[purpleheart]

So my OH finally said he was quitting the coke after he went on a weeks bender at a friends – led him missing work etc . I kicked him out and he has to go home to his mum for nearly two weeks .I told him this time it was over and started getting things in place to cut ties . Then he tells me this time is like no other and I can test him when ever I want because it’s done .so we get to day 12 of being clean the tests are showing negative .. great I’m starting to think maybe theirs a future for us and he comes home to be apart of the family ( our relationship isn’t as a couple though ).Tuesday he suddenly a announces he has to work late but I’ve not to worry because even though that was his pattern of using previously he’s clean and will test when home . I said he didn’t need to test that day as I was trusting his word but he came in and did one immediately ( said he was dying to pee all way home too ) test has a faint negative line ( fainter than previous ) I started to get anxious but he said there’s no question because he’s clean .

So two days pass – we are about to take the children out and I pass him the pot for test unannounced – he protests and says he’s not doing one because he’s clean . I say ok your not driving us then and why the hell not ?! He says I should start to trust him ?!. He eventually does the test and the negative line is like a faint shadow – I challenge him , he kicks off and basically turns it on me . I think my tests are duff we get in the car but somethings not right for me . We get to the restaurant and he says I’ll do another test to prove it , I say ok I brought them in the car – he says it will come back negative . I get the test .. he suddenly says ok I took some two days ago that I found left over whilst I was at work . Didn’t tell you because I think your going to leave me .not once did he say he was wobbling , he had the choice to bin that bag he “ found “ but he didn’t . And then drank as much water as he could to flush the test and insist he’s clean .

I’m numb , is this it ? I told him I’m sick of living a lie and “us “ is not real . He says we are real and once finances and other work issues he’s had are sorted he will be fine . It’s all excuses . Is this what they class as the road if recovery or is he just FOS… everyday I think about him and his coke issue . I’m so fed up x

Don’t know what I’m asking ,thanks for reading I just need to vent to others that get it x

[bellapop]

I could’ve written this post myself Purpleheart… I am currently on the same merry go round. It is absolutely, wholeheartedly exhausting. My husband has left to go to his mums tonight and it’s just heartbreaking.

I have no words to help, I just wanted you to know that you really aren’t alone in this horrible situation xxx

[navy]

Oh my dear Purple Heart. & Bella pop

Your so true in the merry go round from hell it’s so right. They promise they lie they start all over again.

I’m so gutted for you. I feel for you I understand everything you are saying. I’m going through it again. He promised to get help a week ago and he still at it. I found the empty bag hidden and the white stuff on my units!!! He didn’t get up till the afternoon today I was so angry with him because I know it’s not because of coming off it!! It’s because he took it last night whilst I was in bed!!!! I’m so upset I’m so angry why can’t I just up and leave him to it!!! What’s wrong with me.

Sorry to vent.

Take care both look after yourselves and your children

Navy xx

[bellapop]

Navy 🙁 I am so so sorry!! It’s disgusting what we go through.. that’s when my husband would do it.. when I was in bed or asleep on the sofa.

My husband has left me, yep LEFT ME!! He says ‘it’s for the best’ and ‘it’s not working’ I’m beyond confused! Imagine just loving and doting on someone for 12 years for them to turn around and leave with their head held high after what they’ve done?

I’m so done xxx

[purpleheart]

Hey Bella pop and Navy .

Bella pop my situation is mines currently back at home and he’s promising me that he’s here to make me happy and give me a good life after everything he’s done , except Tuesday just gone “ it was there so I just did it – but I didn’t pick up “ oh that makes it better doesn’t it !!. We have a family holiday to go on and almost wishing it’s done because it’s the only promise left to the kids with him . I don’t know what to do though because once I start the ball rolling it doesn’t stop then . Somewhere in my tangled mind I think but maybe this is it when he promises me he’s done and if I don’t give him this chance what happens if I look back and he’s clean and I jumped ship .

I know deep down the answer and I’m sick of listening to myself – I’m still coming to terms with all this because it is exhausting and traumatic isn’t it !.

Bella pop mines just the same – he’s got a drop off and done it when I’ve gone out for a half an hour walk and my kids were in bed . I just can’t get over this is the same person I’ve been with for 15 years ,

Navy mine doesn’t get up in the morning a lot of the time but I thought that’s when he’s coming down . This is the whole problem I don’t know what’s real anymore in the relationship , day you day going’s on . I’m constantly watching him for ‘signs’ it’s mentally and soul destroying isn’t it .

The why can’t I leave I think it’s because we are not quite there yet .

If he was in recovery it would be different , but this isn’t recovery – he calls them relapses but the most he can go with out is 10 days and then he’s deceitful , sneaky , manipulating and just dam right lies .

I thank god for my kids – because i hold it together all for them but he’s damaging me massively that’s not to be overlooked 🙁 xx

[bellapop]

I honestly could’ve written your post myself!! It’s scary how similar this is!! Mine has now stopped saying he’ll get better… he did at first and for a long time after. The more I accepted him back the more it was my fault for the crappy marriage. I will take the blame for my coldness, my lack of trust and my constant watching him… but I wasn’t like this before all of this. I was happy and bubbly. I’m damaged and traumatised.

I’ve never taken drugs, So I really don’t understand… but the hold this has on his mind is petrifying. Also, mine doesn’t get up in a morning either, he works and gets up for work.. but comes home and naps all day after work and sleeps in until midday on weekends. It’s miserable!

I can’t imagine walking out on my family, going back to my mums and blocking the person I’m married to. How can he do that?

I hear you loud and clear when you say you can’t believe he’s the person you’ve been with 15 years, it’s traumatising! all those times we’ve been for a meal, away in hotels and just sat at home with a bottle of wine… all drug fuelled benders that I was stupidly unaware of.

I hate what he’s doing to me.

Thank you for being here, I can’t tell you how much it helps. I genuinely hope that you guys can sort it out cause it’s actually petrifying. Xxxx

[bellapop]

And I know exactly what you mean about jumping ship when he’s actually clean… that’s where my head is at right now!! He’s left and I’m like what could I of done to help? What more could I of said? Maybe if I’d of been kinder, more understanding…. But I couldn’t. And if he chooses to get clean without me.. I guess me helping him wasn’t meant to be. What a head f… it all is x

[purpleheart]

I’m so glad to talk to others who know exactly how this is and how it feels , because even though our families and friends have been so supportive to me since I outed him and I’ll be forever grateful they can’t believe or fully get the crap that happens , the day in day out life ruining path this addiction has caused ,

Mine starting talking about home

Improvements this weekend and I actually said you need to fix yourself before you start anything else – his reply there’s nothing wrong with me that was just a blip last week . Mine has disappeared for days binging since March – in the end I didn’t even have to ask him to leave when I found him out he would go voluntarily and on a bender until he came back all emotional and upset with his pity party and promises that just get smashed to pieces every time .

I stopped even trying to find him in the end . His family worried sick and. Was like don’t worry sounds cold but he will he holed up in a decent hotel somewhere sniffing till his hearts content. I’m so anxious because I’m getting old r and can’t bear the thought that I maybe in the same predicament in 5/10 years time as he’s been at it for 2 yrs now and I didn’t know for part of that .

I am cold with mine , I don’t want any affection from him , physically stopped months ago because I feel sick .realised that he used to make moves when on it and I didn’t know and how I feel used so don’t want him near me . To be fair I don’t know why he’s still with me ( probably because I still run home life for him ) .he’s got us into financial trouble with risky coke behaviour , he drinks too much and refuses to except this fuels his triggers , he won’t get professional help, he’s unreliable with numerous things esp managing the kids , I’m sick of his come downs , he got bad indigestion tonight and was making a song and dance about it – all I could think was well there you go , that’s the coke I’m not interested . I feel like I’m sat on a ticking time bomb incase he goes proper under Meaning work , home everything we share together crashes down all because he likes to shovel that sh1t up his nose ( sorry I’ve got angry just recalling things ). I can’t even watch a tv program with drugs in it without getting angry because this stuff really has ruined everything I know xxx

Bella I’m on anti Ds too – I feel like I’m only on them

Now because of him and I’m frightened of wobbling With the stress from this . Otherwise I’d of been off them a while back xxx

[purpleheart]

Ps mine naps in his car at work claiming he’s working but loosing literally like 4/5 in the day sleeping . It infuriates me – esp as I’m doing everything at home and run abouts with the kids xxx

[bellapop]

I can’t believe how alike we are!! This is very scary!! Everything you’ve said about being physical, financial trouble and refusal to get help. I’ve just had my son come into my room and tell me how much he knows something is wrong and that Dad is the best. How heartbreaking!!!!!!!!! This is truly my worst nightmare!

I honestly don’t even know what to do anymore! The sad thing is I would take him back in a heartbeat if he came home and asked me. I’d put up with the s..t!! I’m such a weak human I hate it xxx

[jamesb]

Hi ladies, I hope you’re all doing okay.

This is actually a really good topic because it’s probably the hardest part to get through for both the addict and the loved one.

So you are at the point where the partner has come clean, you know everything, all the lies and the twisting things all the money etc you know absolutely everything and they have either come clean and told you or you have found out. The fact you are still in each others lives means to an extent you want it to work still.

The addict will promise no more, agree to do drug tests, all the things that they fell they should do to prove to you that they have stopped but for the other half it becomes a full time job trying to catch the lie, analysing everything that is said, everything they say they are doing watching their mood constantly and driving themselves insane thinking that the addict is still using.

The addict, in this situation probably feels full of guilt and shame and really wholeheartedly wants to stop, be able to regain the trust and love of their partner and try to get to living the life they know both you and they deserve. Unfortunately addiction doesn’t let someone go that quick. I’m not saying give a free pass or be okay with it but what I’m saying is in this case the guy agreed to tests meaning that he was serious about stopping. He has caved and obviously taken some and by no means am I excusing it but coming out of addiction is one of the hardest things anyone will go through and if he was a big user even more so. He’s had a moment of weakness, used a small amount and will find himself feeling guilty for a start but also scared of the consequence of his partner finding out. Coming clean would feel like suicide so he resorts to the tactics of trying to cover it up.

The point I’m trying to make is that although every case is completely different and you can’t just allow them to keep going back to it but this isn’t just a switch off thing. He in my eyes was still making great progress and a small bump in the road does not mean that he has not been giving it his all up until that point and genuinely is trying his best for you.

Imagine telling yourself you aren’t going to drink coffee anymore, and you prise your partner you won’t but after a week you’ve had a really stressful morning, you’re tired and you drink just one cup. You feel guilty afterwards but you acknowledge that you have done so well so far and you start again knowing that you’re on the right track.

I know it’s not the same thing but I hope you can see what I’m saying.

Please be understanding with addicts who are trying to stop. It isn’t easy, we aren’t perfect and sometimes we fall. It doesn’t mean me don’t care about you or that we want to carry on living the life of an addict.

I completely understand how hard it must be to feel that the trust has been broken again and I don’t blame you for feeling mad but always try to gauge whether someone is really trying or if they are making excuses.

I hope that this didn’t come across wrong as I know you’re all hurting.

Stay safe

James x

[navy]

Hi James

Thank you for your insight and knowledge how hard it is. If they are trying and are willing to open up I think that helps but when they lie and hide it, it makes it hard to trust again.

As for me he still lying to me. I’m biding my time which is a horrible thing to say but I know he won’t give up until I leave!!

Oh well onwards and upwards

I have to look after me

Stay strong James

Xx

[purpleheart]

James , What an insight . I’m glad you took the time to write that thank you very much , if I didn’t know who had wrote it – it could of come from my OH.

I hear what your saying and I feel

A little bit ashamed actually because I’m hoping for an instant fix ( even though I know that’s not at all realistic ). I’m just impatient, extremely tired and not at all trusting . It doesn’t help that he’s wanting to borrow money from our assets now to resolve the money issues he’s caused whilst taking that stuff ( gambling went hand in hand ) and I’ll be honest I can’t cope with anymore trouble on my head or being wound into something else after everything he’s put us through already .

part of me wants to support him and look after him – have him back the person we knew before this , but the other part can’t see a future with all the deceit and the constant ‘detective ‘ work and the finally nail will he fall properly and go back to the serious using and tricks the imposter that’s lived here for 2 years nearly .

Right now we are not even a proper couple just cohabiting , we often can’t discuss anything without all hell breaking loose and yes it sounds selfish – but Where’s my support, happiness and joy – I can’t have any because I recognise he can only deal with himself right now . . I can’t make any plans because I really don’t know where we are going to be any further than a weekend !. It’s hard , I wish it on no one . I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like from his side – I suppose I will never understand that .

James thanks again – it really helps to hear it from the other side even though it’s hard to swallow some of it .

Look after yourself – stay strong . Thanks for making a difference X

[lmb15]

Hi both, just looking through the posts and this situation is so similar to mine – how are you both doing now?

It’s beneficial to see the other post from the addicts perspective also!

I am just so lost, not sure where to turn just trying to get through each day. But the empty promises and the stress and impact of it all is really getting me down and I feel so low.

[lmb15]

Hi both, just looking through the posts and this situation is so similar to mine – how are you both doing now?

It’s beneficial to see the other post from the addicts perspective also!

I am just so lost, not sure where to turn just trying to get through each day. But the empty promises and the stress and impact of it all is really getting me down and I feel so low.

[mlft]

<p class=”p1″ style=”margin: 0px 0px 3px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 35px; line-height: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”><span class=”s1″ style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-weight: bold;”>I don’t know if this will be seen, but I so badly hope so! This is my first time reaching out to anybody, especially people that can relate. I don’t even know where to start so I’ll sum it up as best as I can. I’m 27 and my partner is 29. We have 4 kids, the youngest being just 6 months old. My partner has always been one for drink and drugs and has always left me and the kids to go on benders. It started with not coming home from work, then strolling in the morning like nothing had happened. Then after a couple years of that it was him drinking in the house, he’d say he was popping out and wouldn’t come back or he’ll wait until I fall asleep and let us wake up in the morning to find he’s left us again but now it’s got worse. My son is 6 months old, at 8 weeks he disappeared during the night and didn’t come home for 3 days, at 5 months old he done the same but this time for 5 days and now just 3 weeks after sitting my children down and apologising to them for the first time in their lives and promising he will never leave them again, he has done just that. This is night 5 of him being gone, absolutely no contact from him at all. My kids are broken and so am I, I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him to much to be without him and I so badly want to keep our family together but it feels like we are never going to be enough for him. Why does he keep choosing that life over us? How can he be here everyday living normal family life with us then just change in an instant and treat us like we don’t even exist? I don’t get it. I’m so angry and hurt, I feel like he’s got our hearts in his hand and can crush them at any time he feels like it. I underhand he has problems but it starts with a choice (that’s how I see it). He doesn’t drink every day and can stay away from it but the minute he touches a drop he can’t stop and it will happen more and more everyday until he explodes and goes on a drink and drug fuelled bender. There has been times where he’s stayed away from alcohol for awhile but little did I know that he wasn’t sober at all, the only reason he managed to stop was because he was sniffing cocaine every day to replace it and believe me he was very good at hiding it. I had plenty of suspicion but he just made me feel like I was being crazy and paranoid, even when I would find the empty bags and white powder on the floor in the toilet after he’d been in there or on the worktop after I’d just heard him sniffing!! I keep standing by him hoping that one day he’ll get completely sober and we can be that happy family but I think deep down I do know that it is never going to change. If I want him I have accept that this is going to be mine and my kids life forever! I’m angry at myself for allowing him to hurt them over and over again but I there’s that part of me that just think keep fighting for them.</span></p>

[navy]

Hi Mlft

im so sad reading this, I can’t believe this happening to you with 4 children and one under a year old. How do you cope? I have to tell you that they don’t change. If they have been doing this for years it’s so hard for them to come clean. It’s takes alot of effort and determination on their part to get it out of their system they have to have professional help on a daily basis this drug is nasty stuff. They have to want to do this for themselves.

I’ve been going through this since I met my husband  back in 1998,  in 2020 I started questioning things I was lied to for years. I desperately wanted to believe that he wanted to be sober. I left him a couple of times but I’m now so tired and old that I just want to give up, apparently he has been off it for a month now which I don’t believe I’m so tired of all this. I’m watching him constantly.

if you have a chance to leave him and bring up 4 children without him do it. You will find love again. Your children will be happier as you can stop pretending that everything is ok and you lying to them about where dad is. I say go.

sending you all my love & hugs. Keep strong for your children and you

 

navy xx

[purpleheart]

Hiya MLft.

I’ve just logged on and seen your post I’m so sorry to read what your going through because there is no pain like it  . I am of the same opinion as Navy , if you can break free and go no matter how daunting the prospect of being a single  parent is – please do it  as you will be ok and your sanity and life for you and your children will be better- pull your support network in and do it for the future  .

If some one 5 years ago said to me this is how my life was going to go because of my ex husbands choice of path I would never of believed it and laughed in their face . My ex still is in the thick of it , I cannot comprehend the person he has become , he lies about use before he has our kids and currently I’ve cut contact ,  our divorce has turned pretty awful by his demands ( his addiction has plummeted him into debt and I am the one on the receiving end ).
MLft did your other half come home ? Where are you up to at the minute?. Your stronger than you think you know ..

mine started disappearing to hotels for 9 months solid at the end of our relationship, 4-5 days straight in hotels using and good knows what else . £2k a week habit . I was left with our children scared , dealing with backlash of his wrong doings and trying to hold my job down and a front as I didn’t tell anyone until nearing  the end of our relationship I’ve never experienced something so hear breaking .

it’s like he has died but I can still physically see him but it’s just not him – horrendous .

here with an ear if you log back on , sending hugs and strength – completely get where your at xxx

[thistim3]

Though not intentional, comparing a coke addiction to a coffee addiction so grossly minimizes the absolute hell that my spouse and I experienced. I’m not even prepared to be able to give a comparison as I’m not sure that one even exists. The person that I knew and loved became someone that I didn’t even recognize. It all started with a wrong choice and a lie. The day he decided to use it and not tell me. Why? How could he? We were great before this day. He said that he was out of control. How so? He never smashed the car during those years, didn’t get arrested, managed to keep his job, and kept all the truths to himself. There is some self control going on there. He used, disappeared, lied, cheated, and stole. All takes choices, all takes steps to get there. To get to the person that I didn’t know and that I never would have chosen. It is traumatic and can’t be minimized.

[purpleheart]

I agree – my story in a nutshell also , I hope your life in on a brighter path now xxxx

[Author]

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