[amandaa]

Hello
My son is a drug addict, full on heroin and is on methadone. He also has mental health issues and Aspergers. I have stepped in and out of his life and went to drugfam meetings for about 6 months or so and they really helped. I never really believed in tough love but went with it as thats what the professionals said i should do. Then I got dragged back in. I have tried to help him. Listened to his tale of woe, dug him out of trouble. Hardest thing is he has no friends so seeks undesirables as they are the only ones who will be with him. They then take advantage of him, steal from him, beat him up, bully him, taunt him. I get the phonecalls and texts and go through hell and then the next day he is with them again. He hasnt lived with me for a long time. He has been in a new flat since February and every window in the house has been smashed. Its used as a drugs den and he lets people in. He has panic alarms given by the police and one day he is a victim and then the next he is not. I have spent numerous times in hospital with him on drug overdoses, paid to have his flat sorted, bought him food and paid for electricity. He has debts coming out of his ears, never any money, does not have any sense of reality whatsoever. Misses appointments, discards letters. Its a nightmare. In between all of this he is obstructive, aggressive, abusive towards me. There are very rare times when he is not. Yet still i put up with it. A week ago he was back in A & E with another overdose, this time a massive one. He was in a coma and ended up in ICU with a tube down his throat helping him breathe. I sat and watched him half hoping he would not wake up. When he did, he discharged himself 6 hours later. No remorse, care, regard for what he had done to me or himself. After another week of hell, more rubbish, more abuse I feel i need to back away again as i just cant deal with it. He also has a girlfriend, first friend/girl friend in a very long time. She too is a drug addict with mental health issues. Its a very volatile relationship but sometimes think it has its positives as it means he is not on his own. She is meant to be going to rehab and if she does, I fear it will push him further down although not sure how much further he can fall. I am battling with myself not knowing what i should do. Do I block him from my phone again, no food, money, electricity, phone, nothing? Is this the right thing to do. Can I do it again, can i go through the heartache and grief yet again? Feels like I have lost him all over again but he was never really there. The situation is causing more probs between my husband and I (his stepfather). Tired of being blamed and told what to do and how to feel. Tired of people who dont have kids in this situation thinking they would not react in the same way. But how could they possibly know? They think they do, but we all know that its not that simple. Its not as if i chose this situation or want it. If I could switch him off i would. Just dont know if i have got the strength to do it all over again. I just wish the problem would go away. I wish i could wake up in the morning with the burden lifted. Would appreciate any advice. xxx

[sad-and-tired]

My heart goes out to you. What an awful position you are in . You do not say how old your son is, is he receiving any help for his mental health. Dual diagnosis is so difficult as it is not easy to know if the drugs are causing the problems or the mental health so it is important he gets proper medical help if you can persuade him. It is hard to see your son being taken advantage of but this is the nature of drug users . I am sorry I cannot suggest more than get medical advice. Try contacting mind, I hate to say this but if his mental health is putting him at risk it is possible for you to request auctioning. Always a last resort and his behaviour would need to be severe enough for a psychiatrist and an amp (specially trained mental health social worker) to feel it was needed. Good luck Czechoslovakia

[sad-and-tired]

Apologies last bit should have just read good luck xx

[sad-and-tired]

And sectioning not auctioning. so sorry writing on a tablet

[amandaa]

Hi he is 23. We have tried to get him sectioned before. Even when he discharged himself fm ICU the psych said he was lucid. He refuses to engage with anybody. Just blames me. So it’s v difficult. My husband thinks he is just clever and there is nothing wrong with him. If he can manage to get drugs, he can manage to stop them. Yest he got £100 in benefits. It’s all gone. He will now expect me to find him for nxt 2 weeks. If I don’t he will starve or steal. Been through the cycle so many times. It’s just impossible.

[cant-take-no-more]

No child should be subjected to seeing a parent being violent to anyone…you have done the right. Thing, and as hard as it is for you, keeping those kids safe is your priority…and keeping yourself safe too! Please try and get some counselling / support for yourself….until your partner wants to help himself, then leave him to it….I am a parent of an alcohol/ meat/ cocaine/ legal highs son…..I have seen first hand how it can effect children…. I made it my mission to make sure my grandson was safe….at the moment had is on the road to recovery and has had 1 relapse in 8 weeks…he has found himself a job, but every day is a struggle and we know that…the biggest change is being there for his son….I hope you continue to find the strength and stick to keeping you all safe…addiction is a horrid illness, that takes away e person we loved, replacing it with a person who lies, steal, and is abusive …….hugs x

[icarus_trust]

Hi KF,

I can’t even begin to understand how this all feels, you are such a fighter! There is somewhere you can get lots of help and support, and that is The Icarus Trust. You will have a family friend to speak to, and they can sign post you to the right counsellor. You can contact them via email on info@icarustrust.org or visit the website at http://www.icarustrust.org. It’s free of charge and they are fantastic.

I wish you all the best.

[sad-and-tired]

Funny how they blame everyone else, my son is the same, you wouldn’t believe some of the things that are my fault so I wouldn’t worry to much about that, it’s the drugs I think as others have said the same.
My son blew his entire wages in two nights a while ago, the whole lot on booze and drugs. Why not try not giving him money for the next two weeks, be strong and do it. My son who I had to tell to leave still seems to manage to find someone to put him up and manages to eat, I think you may find he is more resilient than you think. What mental health condition has he been diagnosed with, I sometimes wonder if my son has a mental health issue, but of course it could be the drugs. Stay strong xx

[cant-take-no-more]

Thank you Susan for sharing….will take sone of these ideas away, and utilise with our family, and addicted son working hard to stay clean…..63 days clean with 1 relapse……praying he stays strong and continues learning to live without drugs/alcohol……..

[susan]

Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment as well “can’t take no more”. I also have an addicted son, yet he has not been able to stay clean only while in a 7 day detox at the hospital, then he went straight back on to whatever he could get his hand on! Addiction is painful and takes it’s toll on all of the family! I am so happy to read that your son is 63 days clean! I wish him continued success and hopefully he will continue to grow in strength as well. I wish all of you recovery and eventually new beginnings!

[icarus-trust]

Hi Shiobhan
It sounds like you could do with someone to talk to who understands what you are going through. The Icarus trust is a charity that supports people who have been affected by the addictions of their friends and family. If you contact us one of our trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’ would be able to talk to you and perhaps help you find a way forward.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope you can get some help to find out wha’ts happening to your daughter.
Good luck!

[icarus_trust]

Hi Susan,

That is so moving and inspirational. That must really help so many other families see that they aren’t alone. I’m pleased that you are in recovery, and if you need or want any more help please don’t hesitate to get in touch with The Icarus Trust. They are trained people who can help you in anyway you need. You can get in touch on their website (www.icarustrust.org) or email them on info@icarustrust.org.

I wish the very best for you and your family.

[justme1]

The first paragraph is the original post.

[savedbygrace]

Hi justme1,

I hope that by sharing some of my story that you can see and feel hope in your situation.

A few months into marriage, the day I secretly dreaded happened, my husband relapsed. It broke my heart because everything seemed ok, we were happy and it’s like he took his eye off the ball and became ensnared again to the evil that is drugs.

I believe that because we are tripartite beings (body,soul and spirit), that taking drugs is a spiritual as well as physical or psychological problem. It is an illness, but also a choice. Medication and counselling can deal with the physical and psychological side of things but only God can deal with the spiritual. What I mean by this is I prayed, I read my bible to find scriptures of comfort that I could meditate upon and also rely on to increase my faith to believe God for the impossible to happen I.e. Setting the man that I love dearly free from the unseen darkness that would lure someone into taking something so deadly, attractive.

It really knocked me for six because there was no rhyme or reason for this madness and heartache that he was putting me through by his choices, but what got me through was my faith in Jesus Christ, even at my weakest point I held on if only but barely, but there were a few people at my church that knew what we were going through and they’d pray for us/me and always encouraged us that no situation is ever to hard for God.

I eventually stopped becoming an enabler and blaming myself for the situation, acknowledging that he is an adult and is responsible for his choices, regardless of what he may have been through in the past, there is always a choice.

Within a few months he was engaging with his drug worker very slowly but surely, and was receiving medication and counselling. It’s been a slow and steady process but we’re getting there. We continue to trust in Jesus Christ that all things are possible through Him if we believe. My husband now encourages others who are held captive by the evil that is drugs, and other things, and many have been helped.

You don’t deserve to be abused whether emotionally or physically, neglect is abuse too! I allowed myself to be emotionally abused for a while, to the point where I tried to take my life, until I stopped being an enabler and blaming myself as mentioned above.

I can’t stress enough how central and key our relationship with Jesus Christ has been in helping me as an individual, my husband as an individual and helping our marriage get back on track. I had to do much forgiving and allowing my broken heart to be healed, it hasn’t been overnight, but one heck of a journey. I love my husband more than ever, warts and all.

I would like to leave this scripture with you from the book of Matthew Chapter 11 verses 28-30, that I hope will provide comfort and be a catalyst for change in your life:
28Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.
29Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

[icarus-trust]

Hi
What a horrible situation you are in but you are not to blame for your husbands addiction. It is very very sad that you have been both emotionally and physically abused but there is help available if you want it. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We offer support for people like yourself who are affected by the addiction of a friend or family member. If you contact us we could put you in touch with one of our ‘family Friend.’ These are trained volunteers who have lots of experience of supporting people in situations like yourself. This is a free service so I hope that you might give us a try.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that you can get some help. Good luck!

[susan]

Thank you very much Icarus_Trust! This post was actually written a while ago, from my blog, but as a family we are trying very hard to find some recovery even though my son is ready to. As a family we must try to stop the guilt and anger and dysfunction we have all become too familiar with and start to begin again! Thank you so much for your kind comment, I have bookmarked your website!

[icarus-trust]

I can see how hard the relationship with your mum is for you because of her drinking addiction. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust that offers support to people like you who have been affected by the addiction of a friend or family member. If you get in touch with us we could offer you the support of one of our ‘Family Friends’. These are trained volunteers who have had lots of experience of talking to people in situations such as yours. It might help you to talk it through and maybe find a way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
This is a free service so I hope you might give it a try. Good luck!

[amandaa]

Aspergers, question bipolar, personality disorder. In order not to give him money I will have to block him fm my phone. He will hassle/abuse 24/7

[cant-take-no-more]

Find a support group and get some help…he is 32 and as such an adult….the hardest thing for us parents to do is stand back and stop enabling, but it was the best thing I did…my son is in the process of turning things around…he has been really trying in the last 9 weeks..even got off his arse and got a job…did 18 hours overtime this week..for us that’s amazing, and because He us trying we are supporting…he had relapsed once , but got straight back on it…and yes we know he could relapse at ant time…..but he. Knows if he goes back, then we remove all the support…it’s his responsibility to heal himself….we can only support….heart breaking but very real! Addiction has to be owned by the addict…you didn’t choose to live it……take real care of yourself and the other children at home ..because they need you as well…..hugs Hunni, and stay strong xxxx

[icarus-trust]

I feel really sorry for you and it sounds like you could do with someone to talk to who could help you to find a way forward. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We support people like yourself who are affected by the addictions of their loved ones. If you contact us we could put you in touch with one of our trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’ who would be there to talk and offer support for you. It is a free service so it might be worth you trying us. It often helps to talk things through with someone who would understand and have experience of what you are going through.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

[unhappy]

Hi I’m in a similar position. It’s so difficult when you have children. Thinking of you wish you good luck x

[so-sad]

Hi icrarus trust i have emailed yous so hoepfully i will get some advice…thank you for your response
Unhappy i know its so hard my son asks daily where his dad is coming back and i dont think he ever will… what hurts me the most is that he has left us both… if he didnt love me fair enough but to not want to see our son too.. shows how heartless his really is… i hope your ok sending big hugs xxx

[icarus-trust]

Really glad you’ve emailed Hope you get the help you need.

[linz4785]

Thank you for your reply. Maybe I have known the answer is down to him, but people who meet him, then feel sorry for him and try to help as they think he has been left all alone and presume his family have deserted him and try to help him. Then I end up telling them he’s not on his own , we have done this and tried that as it makes me feel guilty that we might not of done everything we could of. But coming from someone who really knows it does make me feel better as you know how it makes you feel inside. Thank you for listening

[worriedsickwife]

here if you ever need to talk 🙂 xx

[hawaii50]

Hi, take away the children from a previous relationship and your post could have been written by me.

Being where you are I’m praying that unlike me you will find the strength to make the break from him. I so wish I could. I’ve always considered myself a strong person but for reasons I can’t fathom I won’t do it and to date haven’t managed to find someone/organisation that could help me follow through what is a daily dream of living a relaxed “normal” life where I don’t dread returning ‘home’ from the school run.

A life without his constant put downs, paranoia, ranting, incessant negativity, the list is endless.

I know I’m doing my kids a disservice staying but can’t seem to find the willpower to take them from their Dad and help them through the inevitable heartache. Especially as it’s not like you’re dealing with a rational human being who you can arrange contact with the kids with.

Anyway I hope my post hasn’t in any way dissuaded you and if you ever need someone to chat to who’s in the same boat, please contact me 🙂 xx

[hawaii50]

Hi, take away the children from a previous relationship and your post could have been written by me.

Being where you are I’m praying that unlike me you will find the strength to make the break from him. I so wish I could. I’ve always considered myself a strong person but for reasons I can’t fathom I won’t do it and to date haven’t managed to find someone/organisation that could help me follow through what is a daily dream of living a relaxed “normal” life where I don’t dread returning ‘home’ from the school run.

A life without his constant put downs, paranoia, ranting, incessant negativity, the list is endless.

I know I’m doing my kids a disservice staying but can’t seem to find the willpower to take them from their Dad and help them through the inevitable heartache. Especially as it’s not like you’re dealing with a rational human being who you can arrange contact with the kids with.

Anyway I hope my post hasn’t in any way dissuaded you and if you ever need someone to chat to who’s in the same boat, please contact me 🙂 xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi
If you would like to talk to people who would understand what you are going through and may be able to help you please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people who are affected by their loved ones addictions. We could put you in touch with one of our ‘Family Friends’, trained volunteers who have loads of experience of the kind of thing that you are going through.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

[cant-take-no-more]

The guilt does eat you up, and plenty have said it was our fault….well here’s a news flash..it’s not our fault…he comes from a loving family, who have always worked hard..shown him right from wrong..and I bet that mirrors your family….I don’t give a flying fig what people think any more…I’m happy in the knowledge that I have done everything in my power to help…all I can do now is support him whilst he is trying to stay clean….you sound like a very loving parent at the end of the road..and that’s ok….only he can change things…and that’s the worst thing about this terrible illness….hugs to you, and here if you ever need to chat….praying for all those addicts out there and families xxx

[icarus_trust]

Hi Linz,

As “Can’t Take No More” said, it must be so difficult helping someone who is an adult with a problem such as this. I know you said that he has received counselling, but have you? And your family? The Icarus Trust is here to help the families as well as the users we clearly addiction has countless consequences. If you would like someone to speak to, you can contact them via email on info@icarustrust,org or on the website (www.icarustrust.org).

I hope this of some help for you.

[linz4785]

Thank you both so much
Will contact that. Website thank you x

[icarus-trust]

I am so sad to read your story and hear that you didn’t get the help you needed. The Icarus Trust is a charity that offers support to friends and family of addicts because we recognise how hard it is to a loved one with an addiction. If you feel that it might help you to talk with someone who would understand please contact us.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I wish you and your family all the best.

[sad-and-tired]

I wondered about bipolar/personality disorder with my boy but again is it the drugs causing it, I really don’t know. Yes I know what you mean about the phone, when my son wants something, my phone and text go constantly, so block him for 24 hours. There is no easy quick fix, I am slowly learning that, but as I have become harder with my son, he bothers me less for money, things are far from good or right but I have some peace now, you are in the place I was maybe2/3 months ago. It is so so difficult to do this tough love thing, I don’t know if it works but I do know that my son cannot manipulate me like he used to. Sometimes when he is abusive on the phone I hang up and turn it off, he knows now if he wants a conversation its best to speak at least civil to me. good luck x

[sk]

The lies oh my god the lies and then comes the constant mental torture whats he doing, does’nt take that long to get to shops and back, hes been too long whats he doing in toilet, its like baby sitting someone elses child scared they are going to fall and bang their heads it just never stops the constant wondering the constant questioning yourself when you know deep down whats happening. Thats my life day in day out and its exhausting not to mention looking after two kids but after all I am super women so he thinks but really I am just broken I am just an expert at putting on a front. Heroin is devil n I do believe in them having a choice in putting that rubbish in their body but to them they don’t you have two paths a right one and a wrong one. Take care x

[icarus_trust]

Good evening,

Wow, that does sound like a lot. I know you’ve said that you’ve been to counselling for him and with him, but have you thought about it just for yourself? For the sake of you children maybe? The Icarus Trust is a free service which provides counselling and signposting to services in your area which can be of serious use to you. If you want to get in touch, you can on info@incarustrust.org on on their website.

I hope this is of some help and you can unload and speak to someone for weeks 🙂

[fbc83]

Sk thanks for your reply. Thats so right! He always tells me what he thinks I what i want to hear like if he didnt work hed go to rehab because its funded & we cant afford it otherwise or he’ll take 2 weeks off work to do a cluck. From the outside we look like we’re in a”normal” relationship but like you said we’re broken. Ive even had dealers cross the street cause I used to lower myself to have a go at them. I try not to mention heroin but I dont want him to think ill ever be ok with it. Thanks x

[icarus-trust]

Hi
Its great that your daughter has been clean for so long. You must have been an amazing support for her. But it sounds like you could really use some support for yourself. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We offer support to people like yourself who have been affected by another’s addiction. Our trained volunteers called ‘family Friends’ are very experienced and if you contact us we would put you in touch with one of them. Talking your situation through with someone who understands might be helpful for you. They would also be able to signpost you to other help that is available.
Please contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
This is a free service and I really hope that it might help you.

[fbc83]

Icarus trust. Ive had sessions myself separate from his ones. It did help at first learning the cycle etc but I found reading forums better for me personally. Thanks.

[icarus-trust]

Its sad that, like so many others, you are affected by someone else’s addiction. Your husband has got to want to seek help and it is so difficult for you watching him rejecting help that might be available to him.
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We offer support to the friends and families of addicts. We have trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’ If you would like to talk to someone who would understand how you are feeling if you think that this would help. This is a free service. Our volunteers have lots of experience and might be able to help you find a way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I really hope this helps.

[harshtruth]

You’ve been very brave for carrying this habit around for years, for your husband. Sometimes for the sake of love and stability, we put up with so many things in our partners – some are reasonable and possible but some we make us lower our own standards of living.

If you have the resources to seek an alternative path, I would say separate and don’t let the remaining years of your life be spent in resentment witnessing something that is killing you everyday. It’ll be hard but staying with a partner who is absent isn’t any better.

I have suffered with a similar partner for 8 years, and now that we have a child he has gone to doing cocaine once a week along with marijuana every night before sleeping. The marijuana was still affordable but the cocaine has eaten our money, our life, our minds. I love him, he’s the only man I have ever been with, but I had to get perspective and a grasp of reality – the harsh truth that my husband has an addiction, and I can either spend my whole life hating and loving him and being suspicious or invest that time in making my life and my child’s life better.

[sk]

Well he is on about week 8 of being clean but yet its no easier for me not even sure whether I am 100% convinced he is clean I am constantly paranoid almost obsessed with what he is doing, how long it takes him and I have even stooped so low to checking his phone. I cannot stand the sight of kitchen foil i have’nt bought any for about 5 years. You see with addicts there is always an excuse but fact is they are selfish and only ever put that horrid drug first. Just the word gets stuck in my throat I feel like I have been to hell and back i have bad chest pains and anxiety attacks its crazy because i was once really happy.
He wonders why I cannot trust him thing is I resent him for getting help while I get nothing the only thing that helps is this site knowing I am not alone. I have told him that if he messes up I will have nothing more to do with him and neither will the children I have to protect them and just hope one day when they are older they will understand.

He blamed his old friends for his addiction and I did too at one point but fact is he had a choice its just a shame no one gave me one, I too was in denial in the begining and by the time I realised I was head over heels for him and thought I could save him that was 15yrs ago fact is only they can save themselves.

Take care x

[fbc83]

Hi, obviously you want to believe him but why should you. Ive got to the point now that I feel im always right. Weither hes used or not to me he has I just cant prove it. I used to hunt round the house like a mad women searching for cling film, wrappers. Panicking
whilst doing it. I ended up addicted to catching him out. Everyone he is associated with apart from the
people he works & 99% of his family are addicts of
some kind mostly heroin & crack. I was happy like you said & now im not thats why i looked for somewhere
to share my life really. Im new to this forum & its
shocking to find identical situations thats why I joined.
The annoying thing is if someone I knew was in my situation I would say run for the hills you deserve to be happy but being in it yourself is whole different ball game. Take care now x

[optimist]

You really do need to talk to someone, you are torturing yourself. Can you get the whole family together so that someone can mediate and you can all have your say about how you are individually feeling. When you know the worst, you can confront it head on and put it to bed. you can probably find the support in your area on this site. I take it Kim is still on drugs? It may be useful for her to talk so that she can focus on the next step after coming off drugs.
Radio 5 did a program recently where a young man, a rehabilitated drug user had started mentoring people who wanted to get clean. It is all something that can be discussed. I hope she is open to support and help. Otherwise, Making Space was an organisation I used to help me deal with my sons addictions. Whether Kim is willing or not,you need advice and support on how to look after yourself and your dependents before anymore emotional damage is done to you. My son was never willing, the situation damaged us all because I felt I could help him and it was all my or my husbands fault. You can’t keep thinking like that.
You are not a bad person, Kim will only come out of this when she is ready. Meanwhile please, please look after yourself and your other children. x

[icarus-trust]

I agree that it is important that you get some help for yourself in order for you to deal with the emotions around your daughter and to support the rest of your family. The Icarus Trust is a charity that offers support to people that are affected by the addiction of a loved one. We have trained volunteers who you could talk with. Please contact us and we will put you in touch with one of our ‘Family Friends.’
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I really hope that you will be able to get some help for yourself so that you can stay strong.
Wishing you all the best.

[sk]

Yes I completely agree thats why none of my family know because they would just tell me to leave but fact is I love him and I hate the fact I do, I was the one who chose him to be the father of my children which I also hate myself for although he does treat them well. You say most of his family are addicts but with my partner none of his immediate family are so I am not sure whether it makes a difference or not but I think if I was brought up in that situation it would make me more determined not to be like them but maybe thats a selfish way to look at it I dunno. I was the same always on the hunt trying to catch him out constantly sniffing round the rooms he had been in. Its alot easier him not living here anymore I can be at ease when I get home and know that nothing will be found and the relief of that is unbelievable. I always said if my daughter was in the same situation I would tell her to run a mile I dont want this life for her. X

[emziemelv]

hi, i am sorry for all the troubles in your lives, i myself am in a very similar boat, and it is soo refreshing to be able to read soo many of you that are in the same boat as me, i have struggled with my husbands heroin addiction for years and it is soo hard when there is noone to talk to, even typing this down is relieving some of the tension i have built up.
everyone tells me to run for the hills but i feel obligied to stick by him even when i hate him, i can not trust him to leave the house, he can go a couple of days with just his methadone but then sometimes he will be out everyday buying it. i do not know where am with him. i am becoming a paranoid, wreck.
sorry for babbling but it is soo nice to be able to tell people ,who understand me. xx

[emziemelv]

i have just realised this blog was from sept, hope some of your lives are better?

[fbc83]

Hi. I was the same, I have posted afew times & was surprised at what I read. You say everyone says run for the hills… I presume that hes known as an addict to others. Where my partner isnt only to other addicts. Since I last posted I have been round to a dealer & paid £200 debt that could of brought Christmas presents I obviously had my say aswell. I now have the bank card where his wages go in & hes gone up on his methadone. (Apparently) he hasnt used for 3weeks. He said if he uses on this amount its cause he wants to not cause hes ill. I still dont trust him & never will but im looking forwards now not backwards like I used to. Has your husband been an addict since you’ve been together? Take care x. P.s I get an email when someone adds a post no matter how long its been.

[emziemelv]

yes sadfully that is the downfall to being there for them, all the money WE have to pay out, my husband doesnt work due to a back problem which is why i think he finds it hard to stay off it. he is known to his family and a close friend of mine as an addict, but no-one else knows. hes been an addict for 20 years with a few clean years here and there, he went back on it 2years ago after 4years clean, it is the lies i cant cope with and like yourself even when he says he hasnt had anything i dont believe him, he has lied sooo much even silly little things noone else would think anything of it but it plays in my mind.

[fin]

I know how alone you feel, even when the one you love is near, you still feel alone. I’m feeling it right now as while typing this message my wife is asleep on the floor downstairs due to her addiction to alcohol. I love her but at the same time I don’t know if I do. I love the idea of her, I love the woman I fell in love with but there comes a time when your with an ‘addict’ that you have to realize who you loved was someone different. My advise to you, is don’t beat yourself up, don’t spend countless hours trying to convince him he is an addict or he should change as none of it matters as the only person who can change him is himself. I’ve spent the last 12 months trying to help, to change my wife so to get back the woman I love but I’ve learnt nothing I do matters as it has to come from her and not me. Also do remember that while he may not feel he has a choice, you do ! You can chose to spend your time with someone you love feeling lonely and sad, letting the addiction beat you or you can chose to move on. When you decide is up to you but please don’t let his addiction overwhelm you. If you want to talk I’m happy to help, my advice is just based on experiance. The hardest thing as a partner is to accept your powerless against it but when you do accept this it is hard but does help. I hope this post helps if not now then in the future. Take Care – Fin

[lbz16]

Thanks for your reply Fin. It’s so difficult because it makes me feel like it’s me…like there is something wrong with me because he says he hasn’t got a problem. If he hasn’t got a problem then why am I currently in the situation I’m in now. Looking on this website I found the download about boundaries. I spoke to him about it, asked for some time away from weed, just him to be him, for it not to be part of my life every day. He agreed that i could have today. We’ve had a nice day, he was a bit short tempered this morning but overall we’ve had a nice few hours out of the house. As soon as we get back in he said “are you gonna moan if I have a joint” of course I said yes and now he’s sulking, he doesn’t want to do anything, everything I suggest he’s shrugged off and now he’s gone to sleep, making me feel like I’ve done something wrong. He said it was the same as having a fag or having a brew, we’ve been out and done stuff today and now we’re back home so what does it matter. He says my ideas about it are all wrong, are they? Am I wrong to think it’s a problem that he can’t just be with me without having a smoke every day?!? So sad

[fin]

Hi Liz. You must never blame yourself for this. It is sad but it is his choice to do what he does. It’s his choice that he puts it before you and your future together. Its his choice as well to ignore the impact it has on you both. As for his reaction I know it too well through my own situation, it makes you doubt yourself, it makes you feel bad like your in the wrong. Please don’t ever doubt yourself and be mindful when things like this happen so you can protect yourself. Addiction does affect the adictee but you have a choice as to whether it affects you. In my mind there is no excuse for using drugs or alcohol in a way which is detrimental to those around you. Addiction can almost become an excuse. If your partner doesn’t see this or doesn’t want to listen try writing down your feelings. Tell him how it affects you, tell him what you want and need from him. It’s easy not to listen but he can’t ignore your words. It is sad but if he can’t see this or escape it you can. Trust yourself and never doubt yourself or what you feel. If easier than through the blog my email is gleofinch@gmail.com. your not alone.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Liz,
I’m sorry that you feel so alone in all of this. It must be very difficult for you not to be able to talk to your family. However, there is help that you could access. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We support people like yourself who are affected by their loved ones addictions. We have experienced trained volunteers and it might help you to talk with one of them.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

[amandaa]

I became hardened like you and then let him back in and my guard has gone down so i feel as if i am back at the beginning which is stupid really as nothing has changed and I know it will take a while to become harder again. The other problem is everything is a mess, his finances, paperwork, benefits all over the place. If I dont deal with it, he doesnt and then it just gets into a bigger mess. I hear some saying its not my job, its his, but most of the time i genuinely dont think he is capable of it as he is so far removed from the real world. I know i need to put some boundaries back in place for myself and I intend to do this. I guess right now I am just weary of it all and want some peace, but with him there never can be peace because even if i block him, you still worry, you still think about it. Unless you have been through it, you have no idea how hard it is. x

[icarus_trust]

Hi Susan,

I’m sorry about your son, but the information you found is a very interesting read. The Icarus Trust may be able to help you, or put you in touch with someone who knows the answers. You can pop them an email on info@icarustrust.org.

Best wishes and I hope he isn’t like this for much longer.

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
I’m sorry that you are having such a difficult time and it sounds like it might help if you talked to someone who would understand what you are going through. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust which supports people who have been affected by another’s addiction. If you contacted us we could put you in touch with one of our trained volunteers called ‘Family friends’. You would be able to talk with them and they would help you to find a way forward and tell you what other help is out there. This is a free service.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck! I hope that you can find some help for yourself.

[harshtruth]

Why would you let your life revolve around his yes and no’s? Think about it. He’s deciding the way forward. The only way forward for you is to make one decision and stick to it. Unless you distance yourself from him, you won’t know the clarity of the situation.
You’ll love again, and this time get it back, in its entirety. Don’t let your heart break again and again by being with this person.

[susan]

Thank you Icarus_Trust! I have been blogging about our life with addiction for about a year now and it helps me to research and try to understand, as well as to use it as a tool to help others and for me to try to make sense of it all. If you are interested in more posts it is : http://livingwithmydrugabusingteenager.blogspot.co.uk/

I also have a Facebook page: Trying to Survive Addiction Within the Family
It is mostly to give inspiration to others suffering in one way or another with addiction. I have shared your website on that page for I have not heard of it before and it looks very interesting.
I will also speak to my son and see how he would feel about seeking some help.
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment, it is much appreciated.

[icarus-trust]

Hi if you would like someone to talk to who would understand how you are feeling please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers support to friends and family of addicts. You could talk to one of our trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’ who have lots of experience of what you are going through.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

[icarus_trust]

No problem Susan. I will share your page and blog on our Facebook and Twitter to help spread the word for you.

[susan]

That is wonderful, thank you Icarus Trust! I have looked your service up and it looks very interesting, my son and I have tried a few agencies, but until he wants the help it is very difficult to seek recovery! I can only keep telling my story and hope that their is purpose in it somehow!

[sad-and-tired]

You have no idea how familiar this sounds, I kept trying to harden myself and be tough only to give in and fall back. Its a backward step yes, but each time you will get harder. My son was the same finances a mess, debts, he wouldn’t deal with anything so if I didn’t do it it was left, and yes turned into a bigger mess. This time I have left him, he has lost his job, wouldn’t sign on, I left it, he has now signed on. wouldn’t pay his direct debits, usually I bail him out, now I don’t, his insurance on his car is being cancelled and his car repossessed. You may find he actually can do it just as my son can but he has good old mum to do it for him so why should he. Yes I worry as well, but I worry more when he is under my roof and I can see all the comings and goings. No one can make you strong enough to do this, but believe me eventually when you get weary enough you will find the strength. Trust me I never ever thought my son could do anything that would make me push him away but for my own sanity I have had to do it. It is hard believe me I know but what are your options? xx

[cant-take-no-more]

Susan enabling is something most parents/partners do, without even thinking about it…..when you love someone so deeply, and see their pain, all you want to do is make or try and make things better, easier, etc….. Once a parent stops enabling it can be a time of sadness……however, it empowers that person too..it has been the hardest decision I have ever made, but I wish I had made it earlier…….it doesn’t mean we are giving up on the addict….

[susan]

Hi Cant Take No More! It is definitely such a blurred line that separates helping and enabling especially when you are smack in the middle of chaos and as you say, see so much pain that you want to do anything to help! I wrote that post a while ago and since then my son was told to leave. It is hard and sad but better for us all, and as you say, I wish I could have done it sooner! I still have contact with my son and still try to support him with positive decisions but I will not watch him or help him to get deeper into his addiction. 🙁

[icarus-trust]

What a horrible situation you are in . I do feel for you and am not surprised that you are emotionally drained. Please contact The Icarus Trust as we are a charity that offers support for people who are affected by another’s addiction. We could put you in touch with one of our trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’ who you could talk to in confidence. They have lots of experience of people in similar situations to your own and talking with them might help you to find a way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that you will give this a try and that you get the support for yourself.

[optimist]

Thank you so much for your response, i will make contact.

[amandaa]

My son is 23 and hasnt really lived at home since he was 16. He doesnt know where we live because he would be bashing on the door and i have two younger daughters and just cant risk that anymore. He isnt homeless at the moment and hasnt been since Feb but i fear he will be evicted which is my worst nightmare as the homeless periods are the worst. I have been dealing with this for so long, things got bad from 15 and its just got progressively worse as time has gone on. You see periods of hope but it always go back and i guess its when you see the periods of hope, you step back in. I worry more because of the Aspergers and other issues and know that dual diagnosis is the worst possible kind of addict. I am going to give him a file of all his paperwork that I have and leave it up to him but i know he wont deal with it, he never does. Its only in the last few weeks i have started to do some of it but it takes so long and exhausting dealing with him. I think i am going to revert to taking him a bag of basic food once a week, pay his phone which is now on a pay as you go as the contract phone kept getting stolen, sold or used by other people. My son has a social worker, probation, drug worker and support worker, aside the fact they are useless and I say this with huge amounts of experience with them, he does not engage with any of them so that gives them a good excuse not to do anything. Always feels like a catch 22. After being in ICU a couple of weeks ago i know his time is running out. He will end up back in there, 10ft under or in prison. Right now these seem like better options than where he is. Sad thing is he could have a nice flat, its in a good location but he doesnt care about anything. How old is your son?

[fifi65]

Hi hun, life is ok at the moment, just had a week in Portugal so feeling much better for having that : ) Just waiting for my son to be moved to a long term prison , where he might get help with his addictions. So happy to hear your lad is still on the straight and narrow, stay positive!!! If you read this Sue, thought’s are with you, hope all is ok xx take care Susie , I will pop on this site every now and then love fiona xxx

[daughter-of-alcoholic]

Hi, I have been through the exact same thing, unfortunately for me my Dad passed away on the 15/04/2015 but I can share with you some of what I went through in the hopes I can help and the same doesn’t happen for your Dad.

Does your Dad know he has a problem and has he tried to seek help before? The hardest part to do is to get them to admit they have a problem and you should do everything in your power to get this out of them; if you feel sending this would help, send it. I also have my story on here, I posted it about a week ago, you could show him that.

You said above that your Dad is a strong character and this is where my Dad differed, he was very weak and gave in easily, he also suffered from anxiety and depression which made it hard for him to seek help. If your Dad is strong make sure you let him know that and let him know of all the things he has achieved and support him through the help if he allows it.
I tried everything to help my Dad, my Dad also got caught drink driving and was kept in a cell overnight; I wanted him to be detained for months, I know that sounds bad but I think it would have helped – they couldn’t do that though. I tried to get him sectioned but I got told he wasn’t a harm to himself or others, when he obviously was.
The only thing that is giving me peace of mind is that I tried everything in my power to help my Dad and I could not have done any more, neither could anyone else that helped him out. They can only help themselves too so just be strong and I hope you and your family see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.
xx

[rhona]

Thank you so much for taking the time to send me a message that means a lot.
He does know he had a problem only he keeps thinking after a few weeks off the drink that he can handle just one. Every time he comes off it now he says it’s the last time and he’s knows her must so for good. He has talked to a community nurse this week and has made arrangements to see him again next week with the intentions of getting councellingwhich u really hope he does. I think depression and anxiety is also an issue for him abs he wants to battle it on his own when he needs help in truth.

I have a friend who’s dad died also died from alcohol and he said the same – to never give up trying to help him, it’s just hard sometimes and i would like to step away sometimes.

I should say of course i am so so sorry you lost your dad, i hope ike you said i think he will be at peace and rest now after such a hard time.

I know what you mean about being attested and wishing they could keep him, i understand your thinking.

I might show him this. He is ill today coming off it again. He missed a flight on holiday with my mum because of it and is supposed to be taking a later flight today so fingers crossed. It seems to affect almost everything they do.

sorry this is a little brief I’m just getting ready to go to their house to dog sit for them. Thank you again. X

[daughter-of-alcoholic]

Sorry I’m only just replying, I didn’t get a notification to say that you had messaged back. It wasn’t brief at all however I’m sure you have a million and one things on your mind that you could say.

My Dad used to stop for about a week or two an then think he was fine, he even managed to stop for 6 months and he still wasn’t fine… It just shows how damaging alcohol really is. One doctor told me that in reality if my Dad was a heroin addict he would have been much better off as he would have been able to get better help and it would have done different things to his body (not exactly 100% on how true that is). If he does have anxiety and depression maybe speak to him about trying to get that sorted too; he just needs to be as truthful as he can be when speaking to the counsillors and I really hope he does because then he will get the help and support he needs.

I really wish I could give you something more and be able to tell you where a magic cure is but unfortunately I can’t. I understand you’d love to step away, I always wanted to step away but looking back now I’m glad I never because I think that would have haunted me for the rest of my life and I don’t want you to feel like that if the worst did happen.
I hope your Dad made in on holiday in time and hope he uses the break to chill and sort himself out for you and your family. I really hope things get better for you soon 🙂 xx

[rhona]

That’s really kind of you thank you.

He did get away and had a nice time it was just a long weekend break so i think it did them good. he was sick for about 13 hours i think and then felt sick still for a few more. You’d honestly think they’d learn eh? ! So it’s now the time to enjoy him sober and try and keep taking about it and helping him stay off it. I understand he has a meeting with the doctor tomorrow again to talk about some councilling so fingers crossed he goes ahead with that.

I really appreciate you messaging me when i was feeling really down about it all. I expect you understand I’ve hardened myself to it quite a bit so those low points i find quite tough now.

And i think you are right i will never stop trying to help him even though i know he has to help himself.

Much love to you and yours. Did you yourself ever see anyone to talk it over? X

[icarus-trust]

Hi Rhona,
I am so sad for you and the situation that you are in. Its good to hear that your dad has seen his doctor and hopefully counselling will help him.
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust that supports people who are affected by the addiction of a friend or family member. It may help you to get in touch with us as we could put you in touch with one of our trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’. These are very experienced at talking with people who are in similar situations to yourself and they would understand where you are coming from.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that this will be a help to you. Good luck!

[rhona]

Thank you for getting in touch. My dad seems to be on track, he has admitted it all now and admitted he can’t take another drink without our being a problem so here’s hoping he can keep his resolve.
I feel good about it now so long as he is off it but i might pass your details on to my mum.
Thanks again folks

[icarus-trust]

That’s good to hear Rhona.
Hope everything continues to go well.
You have our contact details if you or your mum needs us.

[cant-take-no-more]

Lovely to hear from you Fiona…glad you enjoyed your hols…..I’m a little worried about Sue…is there any other way I can contact her? Really hope your boy gets the help he needs……sending love to you xxxxx

[franticmum]

Hi Susie and Fiona sorry for worrying you both, ive not been on for a while cos nothing much has changed and I feel unable to offer support at the moment. Life is very dark and has been for a few months now, not seen or heard anything from my son, he was seen leaving his flat with a large bag in july and when my other son asked around he was told he was living with a woman who was also an addict. I have prayed many times for a rest from all the lies anger and violence but I still worry about how he is, I feel like im sitting on a ticking time bomb, just waiting for the big bang that is sure to come. Im so fed up with living this way but am at a total loss how to stop. Anyway enough about me how are you two lovely ladies hope you are managing to find some peace, its so lovely to know you both care enough to worry about me even though we are strangers it really has touched my heart, there is some good in this horrid world, I will try to visit the site more often if only to keep in touch with you both, take care and keep strong ladies
sending bundles of love and cyber hugs
love Sue Xxxxx

[cant-take-no-more]

Thankyou for those words….heart breaking but very true . Sending hugs x

[icarus-trust]

Susan reading your words is unbearably sad but you sound such a strong person with such a lot of love in your heart.
If you think it would be of any help The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports the families and friends of addicts. If we can be of any help to you please get in touch.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that the dreams you have for your son’s future do come true.

[sera]

I share your words through experience by own 21 year old son is going through Your words were so meaningful I would love to be able to talk again if you would also you are more than welcome to message me anytime to share experiences and offer mutual support mypage@mail.com

[crusha]

Heart Wrenching! I am going through a similar situation with my brother but with alcohol. It is wrecking his life. I have even put a temporary roof over his head & he abused it last night by making a bad choice & coming back to mine verbally aggressive and threatening as I wouldn’t let him in as he broke my no alcohol in my house rule & I called the police he kicked open my door & walked in as if he has done wrong & expected to just go & sleep it off ! Police removed him & my decision is from then do u want to press charges & appear in court & he will be put back inside as 3 months ago he came out of prison due to alcohol related behaviour and say is there anywhere we can take him as there is no shelters help for him & he is on the streets tonight. My health & happiness has now drained away just as I was learning to trust a little. Hiding drink to function & lying seems his way to get what he wants. Binge drinking & a personality disorder is not a good mix. I now have to face a difficult decision today do I allow him back sober until he finds a place to live or not allow him & tough love sees him on the streets to reach out for the help he needs. I have accepted after years of support I cannot do this any more I am on my own now & mum & sisters cannot & will not deal with it any more, I am too close to him & he is abusing my nature. I didn’t sleep last night with worry & I am terrified of making a decision today & telling him!

[cant-take-no-more]

Oh Sue, I was really worried and hoped things might have been a little better…it’s hard the not knowing, but remember when he is ready to change he will…..we never stop worrying, and god our sons know how much we love and care for them…but addiction is something that steals their whole being, and replaces someone we don’t know..,hang on in there Sue.,,you are a remarkable mother, and don’t forge that …,and you have a wealth of experience on this subject….you and I have lived it for years…..hugs my darling, and prayers for those addicts out there….xxxxx

[sad-and-tired]

Poor you, you have really been through it. With all the help that has been put in, what can you do? My son is 22 I suspect he started using drugs at around 15 that seems to be when everything started to go wrong. He was selling his stuff, at 18 he stole all my jewellery and when I found out it was him he didn’t bat an eye. Its just got worse and worse to the point I have been stupidly paying his direct debits, trying to sort his budgets out over and over, only to have him ignore what I have done and spend every penny on drink and drugs. He has been beaten up, attacked by knife point, robbed, had clothes stolen, phones missing, money missing after nights out. People take advantage of him when he is off his face. He has been to court for different offences, mainly criminal damage, he refuses to even pay his fine, I could go on and on and on……I am sick to death of it all but worry so much when I don’t know where he is. Crazy isn’t it….much as I love him he is verbally abusive to me and intimidating, I don’t need this in my life and so when he decided he wasn’t going to turn up for work I told him if he lost his job, he was out, he lost his job so I told him not to come back until he was ready to accept the help I was offering to get him off whatever he was on. That was maybe 8 weeks ago, he is still not ready to sort himself out, don’t know if he ever will be, but I hope……xx

[icarus_trust]

Hi Lucy,

I am so so sorry about your partner… There are no words for what you must be going through right now. You need someone to talk to, and there are people who are able to listen and understand in some way to perhaps help. The Icarus Trust is all about supporting families who have a loved one involved in addiction, this might just be the ticket for you right now. You can contact them by either going to http://www.icarustrust.org or via info@icarustrust.org.

I wish you all the best.

[icarus-trust]

I am so sorry to hear what a hard time you’ve been having. You are right it is important to get help. I am glad that you might get to rehab. If you would like to talk to anyone at The Icarus Trust we have trained volunteers who you could be put in touch with.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

[cazandyx]

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss.. my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family x

[amandaa]

So have you. It all sounds very familiar. My son hasnt done a days work in his life. Ive tried to sort the budgeting thing, i take money out of his account to hold back for gas/electricity and by end of day 1, the money has gone. I could never have my son back to my house. Its just not an option, the chaos, damage, violence he causes is not something i can have again. He has been in court numerous times and really has no more lifelines left. He is in breach of his current probation order, always is, we will see whether they enforce it. So far they havent. Its pointless. My sons debts are mostly court fines and train fines. He says its my fault he got them as some of them are against me when he has done something i have called the police! Almost funny he thinks like that! I know my situation is very very extreme. When ive been to drug family meetings i sit there and nobody else’s stories seem anywhere close to mine. Makes me feel very isolated. I dont have hope anymore as i dont think he will ever change. Feels a bit like a life sentence! Always here if you need to rant xxx

[icarus_trust]

Wow, that is horrific… You sound so trapped, you need to breathe. Contact The Icarus Trust, they support families who are affected by addiction, and they can help you, signpost you to what you exactly need. To contact them, simply to http://www.icarustrust.org or email them on info@icarustrust.org.

I hope this is helpful and gives you the support you need.

[little-al]

A friend of mine has just had a baby and her partner is an alcoholic although he doesn’t believe it. I hear similar things froom her and no I don’t think you are paranoid. .. any addiction takes its toll on the family.. its just a shame it takes the addict so long

[icarus-trust]

Hi Mitch
Please contact The Icarus Trust as we have trained volunteers who are there to support the friends and families of addicts.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

[laus232801]

Hello there,
I am in pretty much the same horrid situation as you, only difference being my husband knows he is addicted and tells me he enjoys it and cannot quit completely! He has cut it down a lot but I want this to stop! I want it out of my home I will not have my(our) children aware of this as they grow older! I am trying to bring them up the best way I can and they are good children, but how long will that last if they ever found out! I feel like such a bad mum because I have aloud his addiction to continue in my home! I love him so much he is my absolute world and we get on do well, but I have got to protect my children and put them 1st. He is a great daddy but he could be soo much greater! However my biggest fear is if I was a to tell him to leave, what would happen to him then? Would I be adding to his troubles as to why he uses cannabis! Could it top him over the edge? My biggest fear is that he needs the weed more than me and would rather be without me! I keep sweeping it under the carpet hoping the problem will go away, and it does while I’m closing my mind off to it, but the reality is I cannot continue like this! I already know how stupid I am but I fell in love with this man 11 years ago and I was too naive to think how this would affect us in the future! So it’s not that easy to just say leave my children would be heartbroken, but if he can’t or refuses to stop what choice do I have???

[lolipop]

Hi JR my son also uses weed and still lives at home so I know how you feel . It’s horrible watching them self destruct isn’t it ? I’ve learned over the last few years that I can’t fix him no matter how hard I try . Paying his debts and bailing him out won’t work it makes things worse . I stopped giving him money . I gave him rules that he has to stick by if he wants to continue living at home . Things have slowly improved . Is he “fixed ” no he isn’t and I doubt wether he ever will be . It’s his choice not mine . My husband has had two heart attacks in the last few months in part due to stress . I will never give up hope for my son … He’s a lovely person but boy does he have his demons . He has been of work for 2 months with anxiety and stress but refused to take prescribed medication ! He went back to work 3 weeks ago . I guess it’s s start . You have to put yourself first and stop bailing him out easier said than done I know . It’s hard work but worth it . I used to repeat the serenity prayer over and over again when things where really bad ( he was arrested for driving while stoned ) he smashed doors threw things screamed abuse at me . Tell trusted friends or family if you can .. I kept it hidden for so long once I started telling people it got easier . Is there a counselling service near you . I screwed up all my courage and went to a group meeting it was the absolute best thing I ever did .
Big hugs
Lolipop xx

[cant-take-no-more]

Having a child who is addicted is a nightmare…and it never ends…..they lie, become really good at it, steal , show no respect and treat others like dirt….I’ve been there……my son was in recovery for over a year then has 2 months of doing alcohol, weed, miow moiw and anything else….I stopped all contact…I don’t need that shit in my life…you may think I’m cruel, but it works for me and he knows I will only be around when he gets back on the recovery train….I don’t want to hear how shit his life is…he made the decision to take drugs so if it’s shit, it’s his own doing…forward fast to yesterday…he rings me, tells me has made an appointment for today to see his drug counsellor and doctor….could I take him? So I pick him up from his counsellor and all I hear is poor me…so I tell him to get out the car and contact me, when he is serious…I’m so sick of his self pity! It’s his birthday Sunday and I can’t believe he’s still messing up…time will tell. I pray he pulls his head out of his pitying arse and mans up…I know he has it in him to do it…..stay strong ladies….xxxxx

[barney77]

Hi after reading your comment it has made me realise a few things my son is 22 on coke and God knows what else… He been dabbling in drugs from the age of 16. Iv totally had enough of his lifestyle constantly lie upon lie i think he believes his own lies now.. Stealing and not giving a crap about anyone but him self.. Iv try to help as much as i can . He’s lost a good job due to to much absence and falling asleep at work. I through him out when he was 18 as i couldn’t cope anymore plus i had 5 year old which i needed to protect from all the abuse and stealing even stealing his toys to sell.. He was currently living with my brother and his girlfriend but they’ve now split up so he’s no where to go other than mates couches.. I’m i a bad parent for not taking him back. I just don’t trust him… Any advice appreciated Xxx

[poppy36]

I know how you both feel. I have been with a man for many years now and he has just left me for cannabis and speed. I couldn’t take anymore and I didn’t want my children to be affected but the pain of being abandoned is hard. I feel like I wasn’t good enough and that he has chosen a lifestyle of drugs over his family- he even said as much. He knows it’s selfish but he can’t help it. Since leaving, he has been doing a lot of drugs and I’m sad because at least when he was home with us it was controlled. I don’t want to lose him, he is a good person and loving but he is devoted to drugs not to us. I just pray that one day he will realise for himself that he needs to be free.

[a-mother-that-needs-help]

How can i get sponsered to get the money to get a detox rehab i think a intervention is needed

[cant-take-no-more]

Hi … How brave of you to ask for help …that’s your first step and a great decision…Adfam are a great resource and will point you in the right direction… Keep fighting to get clean, never give up…I wish you well hun xxxx

[sad-and-tired]

If you want to give your email address we could chat. Mine is my name so I can’t put it on here. My son kept breaching his tag, so what did they do took him back to court and ended his tag and gave him another fine that he doesn’t pay. It all gives me nightmares as I cannot stand debt it worries me but not him. Like you everything is my fault, some of the things he blames me for are laughable but he doesn’t seem to see the rubbish he comes out with. I have come close to calling the police on him but haven’t wanted to get him arrested maybe I should have done when he stole my jewellery. I do hope they can change surely this can’t keep on. Xxx

[cant-take-no-more]

Susan, so sorry for your pain…as mums we do everything to keep our kids safe, then they make decisions we cannot control….I too have an addict son, who has drained the life out of the rest of the family….I too use to drop everything for him, enable him all the time, but not any more…I just couldn’t physically take any more, so gave him an ultimatum. No contact, help , nothing until he was ready to change….so when the phone went saying he would kill himself, my instinct was to get in the car, but I didn’t….I told him to go away and ring me with something worth hearing….don’t get me wrong, it went against everything I felt, but if simply had it! It took him a couple of months, a small stint in prison for the penny to drop….he is now in recovery, and it’s early days, he has a job, and had 1 relapse, where he was so mad afterwards, he apologised and said I won’t let this best me mum……every day is another step away from his addiction, and a day he can enjoy…please think about how your family is functioning at the moment, and then how you would like it to be, because although it’s hard standing back and not enabling your son, whilst enabling as parents all we do is add to the problem….hugs sweetie, and talk to someone…if not for your son, but for you, because you need the help too xx

[flo]

I think forums like this are a great place to vent your frustrations to people who know exactly what you are going through and to discover that there are many others in the same (what feels like sinking) boat.
From the medical side of things your go should be able to prescribe medication to counteract withdrawal symptoms and combat craving so your husband could actually stop drinking now if he wanted to. It has to be him that chooses to do it though so it’s perhaps something you could suggest or print the info on and give to him to read for himself.
My husband is also an alcoholic and we have both had a tough time recently with losing a baby, this stirred up some dark emotions in him and led to a very unpleasant drunken argument. Our relationship hit an all time low which seemed to give him the nudge to acknowledge the drink problem and seek help. We both have appointments tomorrow with different councillors, his is to assess his alcoholism and mine is for support, it will help me put things in to perspective and to find out what I can best do to support him going forwards but most importantly to set the appropriate boundaries for his behaviour. I am still undecided as to whether I even want to be with him but following such an emotional roller coaster that I’ve had this last 6 weeks I don’t think it’s wise to make any hasty decisions. You may benefit from picking up the phone to one of these helplines as well. I phoned the drinkaware one found on their website and they put me in touch with the local one. Just having the support makes you feel more empowered and talking it through with someone that is completely impartial really helps. The trouble with telling friends and family is that they tend to throw their opinions in the mix rather than just listen. I hope things work out for you and your husband but do remember that you are not responsible for him but the alcoholism is a disease so he isn’t drinking just to hurt you, he is drinking in order to function as normally as possible x

[when-will-it-get-better]

Hi thanks for replying and sorry for your loss. My husband has been fighting demons for so long but has wanted for a long time to get help but he never felt that he could do it he has been going to a alchol/drug place and has had about a month of counselling and he starts the detox in the 29th of this month which he is feeling positive about I really hope it works and the man I fell in love with returns because when he is drunk I hate him. It really is a horrible disease which affects everybody in the household I hope things work out fir you xxx

[icarus-trust]

If you would like some support for yourself you might find it helpful to contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the families and friends of addicts. One of the free services we offer is called ‘Family Friends’. These are experienced trained volunteers and you could be put in touch with one of them. Talking through your situation to some one who understands what your are going through might help you to see a way forward.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that you might find this useful. Good luck!

[amandaa]

Mine is my name too! Are you on twitter? Check out @mumsvoice

[icarus_trust]

Oh my god, that is horrific for a daughter to have to live through. Not knowing what’s happening with you Father… I can’t even begin to understand. I know your Father was getting help, but have you thought about some for yourself? Addiction, no matter what type or level of it, drastically affects the entire family and all are in need of support. There is somewhere you can go to. The Icarus Trust is listening and signposting charity who is here specifically to try and support families who are dealing with addictions. You can contact that on their website http://www.icarustrust.co.uk or email them directly via info@icarustrust.org.

I hope this is of some help and you don’t get that dreaded phone call any time soon.

[sk]

Hi benji123

I am so sorry to hear about your situation i was in the exact position as you a couple of years ago. My ex partner has done two detox’s and failed both times and fact is you never gain back the trust and even when you think you start to gain a little trust back they just do it all over again to you. The trouble with addicts is that all they care about is themselves. I have sent myself crazy checking all over the house constantly living on edge if he took to long in bathroom or if he nipped to the shop and was gone too long. I have two young children by this man and we wasn’t enough for him to stop he has lost everything through this drug his family, car, job and house. He says all he wants is me and his kids but how can this be. I am now at the stage where i am slowly starting to hate him for what he has done to me i doubt i will ever trust another man again i feel like i am damaged goods. I gave him 19yrs of my life and two beautiful children. The addict has the choice the broken family doesn’t and the heroin always wins. The trust never comes back, you send yourself crazy or you get out. It is easier said then done when you have been with a person that long but no trust then no relationship. I found an excellent quote that said ” if you have to play detective in a relationship you know its time to move on” and that’s what you do become looking for clues all over. Good luck.
I am sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear but this is my truth.

[icarus-trust]

I am sorry about what you are going through and understand how difficult it must be to trust your partner. If you would like to talk with someone who would understand what you are going through please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people like you who are affected by the addiction of a friend or family member. We have experienced trained volunteers who you could be put in touch with. This might help you to make sense of how you are feeling.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

[little-al]

I hi .. I am sorry to hear of your situation benji..I to live with a heroin addict.
For 9 years…I have been to countless meetings with him..I was once told it takes the average heroin addict 15 years before they manage to get clean..My advice to you is in order to stay strong..is to keep a diary of all your thoughts and feelings and recently I did a life plan of goals for myself and the kids..remember as much as you love him his relationship is now with heroin and if he doesn’t already he will be needing it to get out of bed in the mornings. .also I have found when my partner is on the gear he is ‘normal” but when he hasn’t got it he’s selfish and agitated and can be nasty..so stay safe ! Also for him if his habit does escalate..try to avoid giving him large amounts of money..Some dealers offer more gear for less cash..I. e 6 bags for 50 quid..and from experience the gear doesn’t last they just abuse it more.Try to get him to make an appointment with can or c.r.I ..After his first appointemeet it takes a while but eventually he will see a doctor.As he has only been a user for 6 months he may be able to do the suited programme..which is a tablet that once taken he won’t be able to use as the heroin won’t work..My partner has been an addict for 20 years and is on methadone. .which I don’t think works for him.

[little-al]

I hi .. I am sorry to hear of your situation benji..I to live with a heroin addict.
For 9 years…I have been to countless meetings with him..I was once told it takes the average heroin addict 15 years before they manage to get clean..My advice to you is in order to stay strong..is to keep a diary of all your thoughts and feelings and recently I did a life plan of goals for myself and the kids..remember as much as you love him his relationship is now with heroin and if he doesn’t already he will be needing it to get out of bed in the mornings. .also I have found when my partner is on the gear he is ‘normal” but when he hasn’t got it he’s selfish and agitated and can be nasty..so stay safe ! Also for him if his habit does escalate..try to avoid giving him large amounts of money..Some dealers offer more gear for less cash..I. e 6 bags for 50 quid..and from experience the gear doesn’t last they just abuse it more.Try to get him to make an appointment with can or c.r.I ..After his first appointemeet it takes a while but eventually he will see a doctor.As he has only been a user for 6 months he may be able to do the suited programme..which is a tablet that once taken he won’t be able to use as the heroin won’t work..My partner has been an addict for 20 years and is on methadone. .which I don’t think works for him.

[babji]

Hello,

I’m really sorry you’ve been dealing with this. Has anything improved since you wrote?

I’m commenting because I’m in a similar situation with my dad. When he’s sober he’s great; funny, intelligent, kind, loving and my best friend. After drinking too much for a long time, he had a major breakdown after the end of a relationship a few years ago where he drank non-stop for months on end, finally ending up in a&e, barely alive. Since then he’s got clean and then relapsed again, going through this same cycle at least 3 times in 3 years. I just found him today, he’s relapsed again and been drinking solidly for 3 days in bed.

I share your sense of despair, it seems like there’s nothing we can do to help them. I feel so angry with him, so sad that he’s hurting and guilty too, for the anger and because I wasn’t there to stop him.

The help of family friends has been invaluable to me during all of his relapses, especially because I’m his only child and he has no parents, his remaining family live far away. His friends have staged interventions and nursed him back to health while I’ve been living abroad. But I know they won’t be able to do this forever and he’s already lost friends because they can’t cope.

Are there any family friends/other family who can help you? Anyone he respects and might listen to?

Ultimately I think maybe there is little we can really do except try to support them to make their own decision and to encourage them to deal with the root causes when/if they are sober. But it is so painful to watch them self destruct and sometimes I feel like I’m grieving for him because the real him isn’t there when he’s like this.

Anyway I just wanted to share my story, no real advice because I don’t really know what to do myself. I guess we just keep going, trying to support them as well as we can and trying to look after ourselves and our own mental health too. I hope things have improved for you and your dad.

[daughter-of-alcoholic]

Hello,

Thank you for your response, I wish I could share the good news that I was hoping for; that my Dad miraculously had a change of heart/mind and got better but unfortunately my Dad passed away on the 15/04/15 due to a gastrointestinal hemorrhage caused by alcohol.

My mum an partner have been absolutely excellent throughout the whole of this and without them I really don’t know how I would have coped. I also have a one year old daughter and despite the fact I have a broken heart she manages to piece it back together everyday.

My Dad had tonnes of friends and family who all tried to help him massively, my Dad did want help and he wanted change but unfortunately not only was he an alcoholic but he also suffered with anxiety and depression which meant he simply couldn’t attend AA or rehab. His GP and alcohol advisior told him he could only gain help if he asked for it, he asked for it, cried and begged to get better, but the help they offered involved being part of a group and socialising which he could not do! He attened AA once and it made him relapse as he couldn’t handle the anxiety and in the end it was a constant spiral round and round again. In the end my Dad decided he didn’t want any help and this led to him drinking and drinking and drinking, he even converted from cider (what he drank all his life) to vodka, whiskey and wine and started to steal money.

I really hope that your Dad is not in this position and can seek the help he needs. I also hope you are not faced with the same situation I am in. I also don’t really have any advice either, if they want to get better they have to do it on their own unfortunately, no one can make them get better as much as we want them too.

[babji]

Hello,

I’m sorry that I didn’t see this message before and I’m so sorry to hear of your loss.

I’m glad to hear your mum and partner have been great supports and I hope you are doing as well as you can be considering.

My dad is currently in “recovery” and seems to be doing well but the fear of relapse is always there.

I wish you all the best. As we both know “alcoholics” are not only their addiction, there is so much more to them and I hope you find some comfort in remembering your dad at his best.

[sad-and-tired]

I have found it and clicked follow. I am not very knowledgeable about Twitter. Can you chat on there?

[Author]

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