[bluebell23]

Hi,

I am a 26 year old female. When me and my partner first met 3 years ago we used to go out and recreationally take cocaine together. As time went on I grew out of going out and doing this, my partner didn’t and unfortunately the habit got out of control and became a really regular thing. To the point where he started to take cocaine during the week and began to tell lies and hide it. This put a huge strain on the relationship.

He only recently this year admitted he had a problem and wanted to stop. He started to stop drinking and going out to avoid being in an environment where he would take cocaine. However he would end up back at square one very quickly.

His mood has deteriorated over the past few months; very irritable, short temper, hot and cold etc. I have tried my best to be understanding done research etc. But no matter what I did I seemed to always get the brunt of how he was feeling and he started lashing out more and more then ignoring me for days after.

He decided he needed to seek help and started participating in CA meetings online which was a huge step and seemed to be really helping. Over the last few weeks his mood seems to have worsened and he has said that he can’t feel any emotion other than anger and feels that the only thing he can do is end the relationship as he can’t stand by and watch himself make me miserable.

I guess I just wanted to hear if anyone has any advice or similar stories. I do believe that we love eachother and could be very happy together on the other side of recovery. Do people going through addiction tend to shut their loved ones out? Once an addict begins to recover so they start to see things differently and want to build bridges they have burnt?

I want to stand by him but I also don’t want to waste my time on someone who would just be willing to throw away our relationship. I don’t understand the feelings and thought process of someone going through addiction and it is all very confusing.

 

Tia for any advice

 

[paw_x]

Hi Bluebell,

I might have spoke to you before. I’m in a similar position. I met my partner 5 years ago in my party phase and it soon became apparent he wasn’t just taking cocaine recreationally, we split up, he was on 3.5 grams every day and he was financially killing me. We got back together a year later as he recovered, he did great for 3 years, then when we were buying another new house last year he had relapsed and for a year he lied to me and himself that he could fix it. It got worse and worse and after he’d blown our savings for moving in, he then lost his job and I eventually kicked him out in February. He’s recovering again but it’s been a rocky process, he’s had a few suicide attempts & we’ve been up & down.

I think a huge part of recovery is realising what you’ve done and how it’s affected your loved ones. I’m wondering if your partner is struggling and now has a realisation of how this affects you, and thinks you’d be better off without him? But this is purely speculation as I’ve tried and failed for a very long time to understand how an addict thinks! Does he ever attend in person meetings? I know my partner has attended meetings before but this year is the first time he’s really engaged with the full recovery process, i.e. meetings every day, forming friendships with those in recovery (they all WhatsApp each other and phone each other, go on day trips), and having a sponsor to go through the book. He tells me this is the secret to life long recovery, but time will tell.

What I do know is that living with an addict in recovery takes a lot out of you and might not be what’s best for you. If he’s recovering, there will be ups and downs but same goes for if he’s slipping or struggling to stay off it. Living with that makes you ill and you can end up sacrificing yourself for that person. He needs to recover for him, and sometimes I think it’s good to have space for you to recover from the stress and trauma of going through this. It took a while but mines realises now that we need to be apart, that he needs to do this for him and while he’s still fighting for us, we need to do that from a distance. That might be what’s best for you?

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