[gardenfence]

Hi all

I’m out of a relationship with someone who during our 14 months together had already been using cocaine for about 7 years before we got together. As our relationship progressed it was clear his cocaine use was heavy, taking it before breakfast, in the day time and at night. He also drank in the evening usually 1/2 bottle spirits and a few cans of larger. As the pressure on his life mounted the drink/drugs/smoking increased. I never judged, gave ultimatums nor said what he was doing was wrong. I saw overtime how he became depressed, said nasty throwaway comments to me yet I never reacted nor responded. The few times I did react was when he left cocaine trails on the table, his face was messed up because of over use (it scared me because I could see he was damaging himself) and every now and again out of frustration (because he’d said he wanted to stop) made some verbal comments about bloodied pillows I was sleeping on, and my concerns about his health.

He ended our relationship with no warning. To this day (we have briefly regained contact) stands by it was my negative behaviour towards him which made him feel negative about himself which is why he ended the relationship. He cannot see my perspective, he cannot see all the positives I bought, but focusses on what he said I did without any regards to the pain I endured seeing him self harming. Everything is about him being the person wronged and treated negatively and no acknowledgement nor desire to understand the impact of his cocaine and alcohol use was having on me and it skewing his brain.

I need some clarity as to whether even when someone says they are clean, they will still retain the same beliefs that the cocaine and alcohol useage at a particular time wasn’t to blame for negative thinking, but it was the other person who made them feel negative about themselves?

[kulstar]

Hi

For someone to believe someone made them do it is irrational. This will only apply if literally held a gun to their head and said sniff that else I’ll shoot you which I suspect didn’t happen?!

Only by truly accepting you were to blame for the choices you made can someone’s DNA change. Once you open your heart to acceptance of your wrong doings you then seek to right the wrong. The danger of giving up something for someone else (partner, kids, partners etc) is that what happens if that relationship breaks down or you have a fight? You’re forever walking on eggshells and not being able to express yourself like a relationship should be.

As a former addict my behaviour and my usage was all my doing. I made my bed and slept in it.

Acceptance is the first step, not avoidance as this will be short lived in my view.

[gardenfence]

Hi Kulstar

I really appreciate your reply.

He never blamed me for his cocaine use he blamed me for creating the negative feelings he had about himself. He stored up over time a bank of things he perceived as negative words/actions from me and said my negativity towards him was why he ended the relationship. I saw his behaviour and mind set change and depression grow alongside his increased cocaine/alcohol use. To this day he will not see his cocaine/alcohol use as a contributory factor to his negative feelings and lack of communication as the issue.

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