[honey2019]

I posted on here just over a year ago. My husband was being vole at the time abusive and obviously had a raging cocaine addiction. He always down played the addiction but agreed to get help and appeared to have conquered it for about a year. For the year he has stopped using we have been back to our happy relationship. There has been zero aggression or violent outbursts. He is amazing with our children. An ideal father. Will do anything for them and me. To an extent he is being like this still. There have been no arguments or violence as I say. The drugs has made him awful in the past and it took months to rebuild the trust in him. He stopped everything. Drink, coke and even going out.

Then… Maybe two months ago he came home and was paranoid and behaving oddly. He’d started drinking a bit again and naively I thought this would be OK. He always needs a substance you see. He seems to feel this need to escape with a drink or something. Anyway I bought some more drug tests. I’m not sure how accurate they are and this is a bit miss marple and a bit gross but he is a bit sloppy when he uses the toilet and I have always used the urine around the toilet seat to test him because in the past it was always very accurate. The test a few months ago was negative so I just assumed he had been drinking and acted strangely. I wrote it off and was happy to have had a negative test.

Then a few weeks ago his friend died of cancer and he went out all night a few times with mates once for the funeral and another just to see everyone. The tests both times two weeks apart were positive. He admitted he’d slipped up at the funeral but not recently. Thing is, these tests have like a 72 hour window. So he’s obviously lying right? He starts to make me genuinely doubt myself. And the tests. He just isn’t willing to discuss it. His behaviour is mostly OK. No aggression as I say and no paranoia. But this drug nearly destroyed us last year and we have recently been so happy. I feel like he has just been hiding things for the whole year. I love him so much and he is a good father but I have told him no cocaine. Not ever. That it’s a deal breaker. Bit he just makes me question myself because he will say the tests are wrong and I’m out of order for testing him and not trusting him. I just don’t know what to do. He’s spend alot of money lately but says its for fishing stuff which he has produced yet I wonder whether he’s pulling a fast one on me.

Is it so much to ask for a normal life. Everything about this drug makes life so dysfunctional. I might as well be the addict because I seem to suffer more than he does from the consequences of his actions.

Last year all the stress lead me into a deep depression and severe anxiety. I’m still having treatment. I just don’t feel strong enough to go back there again.

[lemonysnicket]

I’m sorry, Honey. I hope it’s a lapse or two and not a full relapse. I’m divorced from my husband now and he’s at last living a clean and health life, but when we were together and he was using on and off for years, he never gave up drink and I think that was the key. He nolonger drinks. I think he’s not had one since the start of lockdown but drinks zero per cent beers (they’ve improved so much in recent years he’s happy not to have the real thing). He’s moved back to his home town and in with his parents but that’s been good for his mental health. He’s doing well.

I would make some basic demands of your husband. Set some boundaries and if he breaks them, separate from him. If he is tumbling back into full blown addiction and it looks as if he is, there’s nothing you can do but leave him to it, because only he can make the changes needed.

I am not surprised you feel like you can’t go back there again. Neither could I and I had to walk away and leave a 20 year marriage. Hardest thing I’ve ever done and 18 months later it’s still so hard. Good luck to you, I wish you the best xx

[kel1]

Hi ladies,

I can completely relate to everything that’s been written here sadly. I ended up with PTSD over the hell I was put thru. You’re right, that drug is so destructive, and the behaviour from the addict can drive you to insanity. The lies, let downs, manipulation and so on..

I left what was once I good relationship of 22 years. No idea what he is doing now, but the fact he don’t see our kids speaks volumes.

I’m 8 months down the line now and I’m still in alot of pain. I hope it gets easier but it’s hard to hang on to some sort of hope when you’ve been so badly treated

[icarus-trust]

Hi Honey,

I’m sorry that things are difficult for you again.

If you would like to talk to us at The Icarus Trust please get in touch. We are a charity that supports people having to deal with a partner’s addiction. We have trained and experienced people you could talk with if you feel it would be helpful.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrst.org

Good luck.

[honey2019]

Thankyou for your replies. He has admitted to occasional use but the tests are still positive every time. I am just sick of it. I try to be supportive but I think I’m just enabling him that way!

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