[runningonfumes]

Hi,

I’ve never posted on a forum for anything before, but I could use a little objective perspective. Hope you guys can help.

I have been with my husband for 15 years this week (married for 4). We have battled through the stages of “I don’t have a problem”, “I have a problem, but I can handle it”, “I have a problem, and I can’t handle it”, and “I need rehab”.

I recently found out (a bit less than a year out of rehab) he has been lying to me again and sneaking booze while I’m at work. So, I left. I’ve been staying with friends for over a week trying to sort out my own head. I’m no less confused about what to do than I was a week ago.

When he’s sober (as he is now), he is so sincere. He’s apologized for the pain he has caused. He has started attending meetings every other day, or every day if he feels he needs to. He’s looking for a sponsor, and genuinely seems to want to do better this time. He says he sees things he hasn’t seen before and how he (and we) can work on those things to set him (and us) up for success this time.

Herein lies the rub.

I’ve been through this cycle so many times. I love him more than anything, but I just don’t know if I can do this anymore. I want to believe him. I DO believe that he means every word when he talks about the evolution of his thinking and how he wants to handle things going forward. I just think he meant them as emphatically every other time this has happened, yet here we are again.

I don’t know what to do. My heart breaks for myself and the man I love at the thought of calling it quits, but I don’t know how to trust him. The lies just hurt so much.

He has never once been honest with me about his drinking. I have tried to encourage him to be open with me. I have told him that I understand how difficult alcoholism can be to overcome, and that it is rarely a straight road. I’ve told him he can talk to me if he’s struggling. I’ve checked in with him regularly as to how he’s doing/feeling, but all he ever says is that it’s going well. Hard occasionally, but well. Then I’ll come home and can tell he’s been drinking. I used to yell. I don’t yell anymore. I try, in a calm and respectful manner, to ask him if he had any issues that day. “No.” Give it a few minutes to see if I really am seeing signs, or just reading into something. Nope, I’m pretty damn sure. Ask again, still respectfully, if he’s SURE there’s nothing he wants to tell me. “No.” These “no’s” may be slurred, and one of his eyes may be half closed, but I still try to be respectful. I ask him if he would, then, mind waiting 20 minutes before eating or drinking so he can take a breathalyzer (yep, I have to have one on hand at this point). He will then get defensive and angry, to which I will respond that, if there’s nothing to hide, this shouldn’t be an issue while we are trying to rebuild the trust that has been broken. At which point he will finally say, “Okay, yeah. I had a drink.”.

Over and over we’ve been through this. It’s not like he doesn’t know the breathalyzer exists, so WHY does he keep lying to me? And how do I deal with it? Or, am I as dumb for staying and buying into his efforts at recovery as I feel sometimes, and it’s time to leave?

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