[vmac123]

I’ve been with my partner for 7 years. He’s a gambling addict with an alcohol problem that he denies despite having been diagnosed with a fatty liver a few weeks ago. He hasn’t paid a single bill since we moved into our home 3 years ago. He lies to me about his drinking and gambling and our relationship is pretty strained like we haven’t been intimate in 2 years strained! I know that sex isn’t everything but I keep waiting for him to get himself together so our life together can start – he says he wants this too. However, every few weeks, he goes back to the usual gambling and drinking in secret. I’m not exactly getting any younger I will be 32 this winter and I want to have a family. I am starting to wonder if I have to make a break for it and leave him to either sort himself out or move on entirely. It’s such a horrible position to be in because I love him. I just don’t want my life to be like this.

[bt1978]

Hey

Thanks for sharing

You are in a tough position as you clearly care about him, and seems like you are waiting for him to get it together – the problem being that unless he admits he has an issue nothing will change unfortunately.

It sounds very much like he has addiction issues that really need some help and support, but only if he is willing and no half measures.

Gambling is a really difficult one. Not only do you haBe the strain caused by trust issues, it also creates financial insecurity too – having to pay for everything must be really upsetting especially right now.

Do you think a break of some sort may work? It may give you time to assess properly, and may be a wake up call for him

Does he realise this is an issue and is he ready to get some help?

[vmac123]

Thank you for replying.

I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I do love him but I’m not sure I can keep doing this over and over again – especially now I know it’s impacting his health.

He’s tried really hard to sort his money out lately but his drinking is so erratic still. Saturday he was out for 12 hours then he was out last night again for 6… I hate to think of how it’s affecting his liver.

I think that we may be headed for a break. Perhaps if he stayed with his parents for a few days / weeks, it might help to clear the air?

I’m just sad because I love him and don’t want to break up deep down but this isn’t how life should be.

He does have an addiction but, whilst he sometimes admits this, he sometimes doesn’t because he’s not as bad as someone else… I feel like he makes excuses to keep drinking when if you have a liver problem, it’s recommended to abstain.

[bt1978]

Hey no problem

The break is completely up to you by the way, I should be careful when giving advice.

With addiction you can’t compare to anyone else – everyone is different. Some will be worse, some better.

If he is receptive to help that’s a start. This won’t go away or get better sadly

[vmac123]

I think it will be a mutual thing as he’s contacted me today saying we need to talk to sort our differences or go our separate ways… the differences being that I don’t want him to drink (at least until his liver is better) and he obviously does.

In your experience, do couples survive this sort of problem or does it always come between them? I think I’m looking for some hope that I’m not sure exists

[bt1978]

from what you have put it seems like he can’t stop when he wants to, or drink safely. It’s affecting you and your lives and that falls into the bracket of it being quite a problem. His liver may get better, but staying stopped is really the key.

Regarding surviving and recovering – yes of course you can – but this very much depends on him being open, honest and willing to sorting himself out and getting help and support. You can’t do this stuff for him.

Talk it out tonight see how it goes. I think a good idea is to see if he’s open to getting some help, abstinence is the only way in my experience and this is from someone 12 years sober

I hope you guys can find a way through and if he needs any pointers or advice post here I’m happy to help

[yesokthen]

We are in a not too dissimilar situation. I have not been intimate with my partner for 2/3 yrs….I wonder if we had that if things would be different for us. As it is I have asked him to leave after 15 + yrs of the same (of varying degrees over the years) and this time he seems to be taking the request seriously and is viewing properties this weekend. The secrecy of the drinking is the thing that wounds me the most. It is hard to move forward with someone when they look you in the eye and just lie. After years of this I find it near impossible to respect him. I hope you can talk and find a way forward….together or apart.

[vmac123]

I think today is a no go. He’s clearly already been drinking when he got home so he’s in his “I don’t have a problem any more than X” mood and saying that he just wants to be able to have a drink when he wants and not be nagged.

I think I’m going to ask him to go and stay at his parents for a few days tomorrow. Even though I’m frightened and sad, I know I can’t keep living like this. It doesn’t have to be permanent but I think space will do everyone some good.

At what point did you realise you wanted to be sober?

[yesokthen]

My partner is exactly the same when he has had a drink and it is me with the issue. He talks to me in an awful way. I no longer want to enable this behaviour. When we got together we used to party all the time and both consumed far too much….me more than him. I had my first child with him at 37 and then endured years of fertility treatments so that was my focus and I stopped drinking but he was on a bottle of wine a day and binging lots. This he did openly but it is the secret drinking of recent years that have broken things between us. I always believe there is hope and that if there is love and respect things can change. I really hope you are able to get some space to think things through more clearly

[meerkat]

It’s so hard to love someone with an addiction and do the right thing for you and for them. You mentioned wanting to have children. I wish I’d thought more what life would be like for children with a husband who has an addiction. At every age, there have been different things to think about. When they were little I couldn’t always trust him to look after them when he’d had a drink as it wasn’t safe, as they get older, they compare with their friends and don’t understand why things are different, what will happen as they grow into adults and see this as normal. How will this inform their choices as young adults? I don’t have the answers, but I do wish I had been more honest with myself years ago. If life is like this now, is there any guarantee it will change in the future? Hugs of support and strength to you x

[vmac123]

It’s been another week of him drinking and gambling behind my back. I gave him an ultimatum last Thursday. No more drinking or no more us. He said he wants to be together. Then we had a chat in person and he said he can only help himself… it’s obviously been a few days and whilst I can’t say he’s drinking or gambling, I also can’t trust that he hasn’t. Is is possible to rebuild trust? I mean I find that no matter what he says to me, I am constantly suspicious and I don’t like feeling this way

[bt1978]

Yes it can be rebuilt, but it’s very much a case of show me don’t tell me of that makes sense

[vmac123]

I think. So I shouldn’t ask him if he’s drinking / gambling but just look for ways for him to show me he isn’t?

[bt1978]

You can ask, but are you realy going to get the truth?

[vmac123]

Well no. My problem is that I can’t seem to make myself stop thinking he is. I know that he’s trying and I know he’s not always drinking or gambling but after so long where he was my brain can’t seem to let go of that belief

[bt1978]

The only real way around this is to ensure that he demonstrates he is serious, that means action. And not you doing it for him either. Whether that action be seeing a counsellor, doing meetings – whatever it takes.

[vmac123]

I see. Well that’s the other thing – he seems to be not drinking but never actually goes to meetings etc. I paid for a counsellor before (he went for a few weeks then just spent the money on gambling / drinking) and he went to GA for a while… he says neither helped him because it was just talking. I’m not sure what he expects like if he thinks there is some magical cure. He says I don’t get it because I’m not an addict – perhaps he is right about that ????????‍♀️

[bt1978]

I mean spending money that someone ga e you to straighten out from drinking…. On drink probably tells you all you need to know about this situation!

[vmac123]

Yes that I should know better… that was last year. I was scared to issue an ultimatum and follow through because I feel like walking away shows I don’t care. I’m starting to see now that if he doesn’t meet my boundaries it isn’t showing I don’t love him if I walk away. It’s proving I don’t love myself when I stay.

[bt1978]

There are practical things that can be done. I know g long addicts who hand over cards and accounts to their partners.

It just shows you the power of denial

[vmac123]

I have his card. The desperate have other means of accessing money though – you don’t need a card to withdraw from the bank just ID apparently as that’s how he accessed money on his last splurge… He seems unable to get past the denial. He admits he’s an addict but he’s not “that bad because he doesn’t drink / gamble everyday) (his words)

[bt1978]

Yeah they were mine too and shows a poor understanding of the condition…

Stay strong

[yesokthen]

I posted on this thread a couple of weeks ago re my partners drinking and lying. He left last week and is now making a big show of how he has stopped drinking and is in a better place. The implication being that he was drinking due to being with me. I don’t buy it and I give it four weeks before he starts slipping back into it. Do people drink because of being in unhappy relationships/predicaments? I am now questioning whether I am to blame as that is how he is framing it. I am so exhausted after years of lies – my experience of this is that any attempts to not drink last no more than six months before the cycle of lying and hiding starts again Sorry to hijack your thread. Trust your gut. I am in the most pain at the moment but not having him physically in the house is a huge relief.

[vmac123]

Hey sorry I didn’t respond before. That is positive news for you. I find that I get blamed a lot too. I’ve just been told he wants to get a beer tonight because he hasn’t had a drink since last Wednesday and he wants one. Fine. The problem is apparently that I don’t want him to drink full stop and I make him him hide his drinking. I think I may suggest we spend some time apart because as you say maybe it is us making him unhappy and making him drink ????????‍♀️ Or maybe it’s just him and this is broken

[vmac123]

He’s agreed to attend an AA meeting! Last night he drank. I don’t know how much because I refused to engage in it. This morning he was late to work. I was ready to tell him to leave and he has said he will try AA. He’s looked and there is an online meeting Monday. I am prepared to give him this last chance because AA could mean progress.

[bt1978]

Nice one

Just remember to listen to similarities and not differences

I hope he gets some identification

[vmac123]

So he didn’t attend the meeting because on Sunday he went out and got wasted again with his friends at the pub after football.

We’ve barely spoken since then. I’ve told my mom about how he drinks too much and doesn’t pay for the house. I feel better now.

We have spoken for me to tell him that it’s one more chance and then I’m done. I’m actually not hopeful that there will be change but I think I’m strong enough this time that if he doesn’t follow through, I can be strong enough to come true on my word and ask him to leave.

Anyone else at that point?

[bt1978]

I’m so sorry to hear that.

It’s difficult. But also clear that getting wasted is the priority now and not you. Whilst it’s admirable that you have given him one more chance, you probably know already what is going to happen. Glad you got some support as well, it’s going to help

[vmac123]

I have a feeling that it’s going to end up with me asking him to move back in with his parents… but then he’s not drunk since Sunday as far as I’m aware so maybe he is actually trying?

We’re still not really on speaking terms though and it’s clear that he’s very upset that my mom knows as he’s barely spoken to me since I told him that. He said she will think badly of him…

I just have no clue what he wants from me. I mean he’s said for months I should tell her so I had someone to talk to. I’ve told her and now he’s mad ????????‍♀️ I know that a lot of his behaviour is probably because he’s experiencing a withdrawal or come down from drinking but it is hurtful.

[yesokthen]

He probably thought you were calling his bluff with regard to telling your mum. Maybe he will now take your threat of ending it unless he cleans up his act more seriously but based on last weekend’s performance I doubt it. Put simply, I think he wants to satisfy his own needs and have a drink.

I maybe projecting some of my own experience of this so I do sincerely hope he now starts taking things seriously. I am now two weeks from partner moving out. He is making a big show of how he is much happier but he has left a trail of destruction behind him and so much hurt and anger. I have been giving him second chances for years and I am now left with very poor self esteem and a lot of mess to clear up. I actually joined a local support group this week for a zoom meeting. It was really interesting to see how alcohol effects families and the pain it causes others. There was an ex alcoholic amongst the group and he was amazing giving the insiders view on things.

[vmac123]

I think you’re right that he didn’t expect that I’d tell my mom. She had noticed how much he drinks and that he was always out herself but I’ve told her about his gambling and not paying the bills etc.

It’s just very strained at the minute. I think he is trying and whilst I’m glad, I’m also still angry that it’s taken this to get him to even take me seriously. I guess I’m resentful at having carried him for the last 3 years but then I should really be angry with myself since I did that.

I’m happy you have found some help. Was it an Al Anon meeting? I’m wondering if I should try something like that. It might help me to get some perspective.

[yesokthen]

I contacted my local CAB for a support go – this one covers addictions so different experiences- there was the ex alcoholic, Father and young daughter, the parents, the girlfriends etc. So much damage, pain and love there. I have also reached out to al anon but they have not come back to me. Actually I have found Mumsnet to be extremely valuable – the women there have no time for what they call enablers that give second changes so it can be brutal. MN is where I found the suggestion to reach out locally as one of the posters said she much preferred them to al anon. One thing I noted with all these people (me for years not now) is how we centre them in our world and fail to our our own needs first. I didn’t know what my needs were towards the end so fogged up was my head. I have a long tough road ahead dealing with the fallout of this but i am at least putting myself and children first now and not his needs.

people can change. People do beat this. I have had my own issues in the past and beat them but it takes so much and someone really has to want it badly.

[vmac123]

Interesting. I’ve never considered the CAB and I can’t really use MN because well I’m not a mum so I don’t think it would be the right space for me.

I am starting to try and rebuild things for myself before I get too far gone. I’ve realised how small my life has gotten. It literally revolves around him when I’m not at work. It’s either me dealing with the house or covering for him or waiting for him or we’re talking about him…. I could go on but I’m sure you know the drill! I’m going to start trying to take back more for me. He’s been a bit shocked this week I think by the fact I went out for a full day without contacting him and he was waiting for me and wondering where I was for a change!

[yesokthen]

Re MN there are all sorts on there – most on the relationship threads do not have kids. But I do appreciate it is not for everyone. I only went on there the week I asked him to leave as I was so broken. I still am.

Try to do more for you. This stuff is so exhausting.

[vmac123]

We’ve been to a family bbq tonight. He had one beer and pops because he was driving. He can do it.

I just wish I had the faith to believe he can continue to control this for good… I just don’t know if it is too far gone now. Will I ever trust him again?

[danman83]

I’m same as your bf. It’s up 2 him to quit. It’s hard and I’ve tried everything. But do what makes u feel happy and right

[vmac123]

He’s sat downstairs drinking whiskey in pop. I smelt it in the glass. I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to tell him to go and stay with his parents tomorrow when he’s sober obviously – we all know that there’s no point talking to him drunk. I feel so broken right now like I’ve failed him but I just can’t keep doing this

[bt1978]

You haven’t failed anyone. Don’t ever forget that

[vmac123]

I just can’t stop thinking what will happen to him now. I know it’s not my fault and his own demons and choices have led him that way but I do love him. I just can’t cope living like this anymore

[yesokthen]

The 3cs re alcoholism are:-

You did not cause this

You cannot control this

You cannot cure this

[vmac123]

I know. I feel so lost and helpless right now. 8 years of my life is being wrenched away because he can’t get out a bottle or away from a bookies. It just all seems so ridiculous

[bt1978]

Right now I think it may be time to embark on damage limitation and also getting support through this

[vmac123]

My mom knows this is coming I think. She’ll help me. I’m going to text his mom now and tell her he needs to go back to them for a bit at least. Maybe the shock of me making him go will prompt him to actually get some help ????????‍♀️ I just wish it weren’t so painful to do this

[yesokthen]

It is such an awful and sad situation. You have come here….things will become clearer for you. I really hope you can manage some sleep tonight and also that you can have start prioritising your own needs. That bit is the difficult one.

[yesokthen]

@bt1978 I wanted to thank you as just a few weeks ago I staggered onto this site asking for help and you were the first person to give me a clear answer re the potential that my partner was an alcoholic. It has set off a series of events that, whilst extremely traumatic now, will hopefully leave me in a happier more empowered place.

@vmac I am thinking off you this weekend. I am here to support you/read your posts

[bt1978]

Hey Yesok – no problem at all, I hope you and everyone here gets something in the way of support. I really mean that too

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