[sam0918]

I am angry and resentful. I try not to show it. I want to be happy and studied psychology, i know the relationship is severely unhealthy but i care about him. To start off i have always had a heart my mother was an addict who had abusive husbands who beat me in her My Father by logically raped me for 4 years I’ve only had five Partners one with a one night stand one was a flame I’m at my fiance 8 years when I was 22 I’ve been divorced for six months he had a daughter who is 8 so he understood being a parent everything was great we were in a happy spot with our relationship when we first met of course everything that’s said he knew you so you have sex and you enjoy each other’s company we only had our kids half the time so we had time for self within a year of being with each other he started doing heroin he lost a job wind up moving that job that he caught the second time they close down so he got an employment he was doing heroin the other place we couldn’t afford to live there so end up moving again they happen again and again and again seven years of moving into a new house each year 3 years ago nearly for he stopped using heroin after you overdose but then he became into cocaine and crack he tries to stop he stops for a little bit but then he switches to beer it’s gotten so bad our relationship has actually gotten physical will there be because he’s depressed or angry and when he can’t have those two things he turns to sex we have a two-year-old daughter together she does not sleep so it makes me want to cry when he can’t be satisfied with having sex Monday Wednesday Friday and every other weekend he couldn’t handle that to where it made me feel like I had to do some kind of sexual favor and between those days to where I can go to sleep till midnight and then she would wake up four times after that it seems to me like freaking sex was becoming a tour along with him getting high and spending up half the night and he’d say oh it’s only $10 here $10 there he doesn’t see it and then he just got off of Bender of freaking cocaine for 2 days and beer for two days and I came up with a conclusion cuz I told him the last time I can’t keep doing this because again we got into a fight and it turned physical and emotional and mental to where I told him this was the last time I couldn’t do it that I will compromise and I will have sex every other day why don’t we just started this Sunday yesterday was a day off and he of course started fighting with me but I didn’t cave and then all day today it’s all he can talk about all he can think about his daughter supposed to come over and she won’t be going home until 11:30 when her sister picks her out to go back to her mom’s to where he’s getting upset over this and he knows it’s going to be a bad night because our daughter doesn’t sleep and his other daughter’s coming over he makes it miserable and I want to cry we don’t have any other family his parents are dead My adoptive mom lives in Missouri and we live all the way in Pennsylvania so there’s like twelve hundred miles between there I don’t have a job I haven’t had a job since our kids been born he doesn’t like me getting a job because he’s afraid that if I get a job you can I’m going to leave him we have a car that’s a stick shift that I can’t drive I feel like I’m slowly losing myself because I’ve done everything I can to make him happy he’s paranoid he’s constantly thinking of cheating on him that people are coming to this house I talked to know and buy him and my mother and he just reads into everything if our daughter goes into our room he freaks out and thinks I was in there no one comes into this house has gotten bad to where he puts cameras outside the houses he puts little traps outside the door so that he knows when they’re open he goes through my phone just about every single day because he thinks I’m talking to someone that I’m not talkin to I don’t know what else I can do I’ve never cheated I used to have guy friends he didn’t like him because he thought they were getting into my pants and two of them did say they wanted to be more than friends and I told them know they were friendzoned and I was 24 I dropped all social media I haven’t had social media since I was 24 and I’m turning 30 and it’s exhausting because I’m not cheating I’ve never cheated I don’t do anything that I’m not supposed to do he doesn’t even like me talking to my mom about him so we’re I can only talk to her about my daughter or my son or the coronavirus that’s going around have always had a hard life my mother was an addict who had abusive husband who beat me and her my father biologically raped me for 4 years I’ve only had 5 partner one was a one-night stand when was a flame I’m at my fiance and 8 years when I was 22 I’ve been divorced for 6 months he had a daughter who is 8 so he understood being a parent everything was great we were in a happy spot with our relationship or first met of course everything is exciting a new so you have sex and you enjoyed other’s company we only had her kids half the time so we had time to herself within a year of being with each other he started doing heroin he lost a job we end up moving that job that he got the second time they close down so he gone unemployment he was doing heroin the other place we couldn’t afford to live there so end up moving again and it happened again and again and again in 7 years of moving into a new house each year 3 years ago here only for he stopped using heroin after overdose but then he became into cocaine and crack he tries to stop he stops for a little bit but then he switches to beer it’s gotten so bad or relationship has actually gotten physical weather be because he’s depressed or angry and when he can’t have those two things he turns to sex we have a 2 year old daughter together she does not sleep so who it makes me want to cry when he can’t be satisfied with having sex Monday Wednesday Friday and every other weekend he couldn’t handle that to wear it made me feel like I had to do some kind of sexual favor and between those days to where I can go to sleep till midnight and then she would wake up four times after that it seems to me like freaking sex was becoming a chore along with him getting Hines burning up half the night and he’d say it’s only $10 here $10 there he doesn’t see it and then he just got off of Bender a freaking cocaine for 2 days and beer for 2 days and I came up with the conclusion cuz I told him that he last time I can’t keep doing this because again with got into a fight and it turned physical and emotional and mental to where I told him this was the last time I couldn’t do it that I will call for my eyes and I will have sex every other day when we just started this Sunday yesterday was a day off and he of course started fighting with me but I didn’t cave and then all day today it’s all he can talk about all he can think about his daughter supposed to come over and she won’t be going home until 11:30 when her sister picks her up to go back to her mom’s to where he’s getting upset over this and he knows it’s going to be a bad night because our daughter doesn’t sleep in his other daughter’s coming over and he makes it and miserable and I want to cry we don’t have any other family his parents of dad my adopted mom is in Missouri and we live all the way in Pennsylvania so there’s like 1200 miles between there I don’t have a job I haven’t had a job since our kids been born he doesn’t like me getting a job because he’s afraid that if I get a job he can I’m going to leaving we have a card that’s a stick shift that I can’t drive feel like I’m slowly losing myself because I’ve done everything I can to make him happy he’s paranoid he’s constantly thinking of cheating on him that people are coming to this house I talked to know and by him and my mother and he just reason to everything if our daughter goes into our room he freaked out and thinks I was in there no one comes into the house it’s gotten bad to where he puts cameras outside the house is he puts a little traps outside the doors so that he knows when they’re open he goes through my phone just about every single day because he thinks I’m talking to someone that I’m not talking to I don’t know what else I can do I’ve never cheated I used to have guy friends he didn’t like him because he thought they were getting into my pants and two of them did say they wanted to be more than friends and I told them know they were friends owned and I was 24 I dropped all social media I haven’t had social media since I was 24 and I’m turning 30 and it’s exhausting because I’m not cheating I’ve never cheated I don’t do anything that I’m not supposed to do he doesn’t even like me talking to my mom about him so where I can only talk to her about my daughter or my son or the corona virus that’s going around and I just feel lost I want to cry. I feel like i ha e given this relationship my everything all the fibers in my being and its not enough. I mean even with sex he gets mad and says oh well I could go find this person and screwed this person and do this and do that or I could be like every other man in cheat on you or go to the massage parlor and me sitting there going please do I need to break go and then I feel guilty because I’m thinking that and he doesn’t get that he doesn’t see it from my perspective and I’ve always tried to see things from his I just need to know I’m not alone and I need to know what other women have done when they were in the similar situation

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