[vivvief]

I have been taking care of my drug addict brother for over 50 years. Three years ago our father cut him out of his will six months before he died, ever since then my brother has turned against me and somehow blames me, even though his share of the money went to my other brother, not to me as I said that I would give it to my addict brother! Although I am still expected to constantly bail him out financially and include him in my family activities, he is still making sarcastic remarks and talking about me behind my back!

Anyway nearly two years later I took the step of contacting Adfam, I had six counselling sessions, and learned so much about myself and my brother and in a way had a bit of a light bulb moment. I decided to finally think about myself and the harm it was doing me and my family to keep looking after my brother, time after time after time…

and also the harm it did him to have somebody who would constantly pick up the pieces and bail him out of whatever trouble he was in .

So now I have talked the talk it is time to walk the walk. It is my brothers birthday in a few days and normally I would take him out for lunch and buy him clothes, but this year I am not going to, I am going to post him a card and transfer a small amount of money into his account.

I know that some will say that I shouldn’t give him any money, but small steps.

And now I am sitting here feeling angry and upset and would like to phone him up and shout at him! However, I am not going to say or do anything other what I intend to do, so decided to offload it on here.

Sorry!

[vivvief]

I will start at the beginning. I am the eldest of four children and the only girl, the brother closest in age to me, started using injectable methadone at the age of 15. I knew he had tried it as we have always been really close and he told me, thinking that he was really cool!, I was shocked, shouted and ranted at him and he promised never to take it again. Forward two years, I had left home and got a phone call from my Mum saying that my brother had been caught trying to break into a chemist through the roof and had fallen through the ceiling! As he was young and it was his first offence, he did not go to a detention centre. At about the same time, my Mum found him lying on his bed with a needle in his arm, as a family we were devastated and my parents had no idea about drugs or what to do. Mum was so upset and anxious that she went to her doctor and was prescribed lorazepam, an anti anxiety medication, and so began her lifelong addiction to tranquillisers.

Again, he said that he wasn’t an addict and would stop, which we believed, he had started a good job and seemed well.

These things happened a long time ago, so I am struggling to put them in order!

Anyway, fast forward a few years, I am living abroad and get a phone call from my Mum saying that she thinks that my brother is using again and would I come home for a bit to try and help. I fly back and talk to my brother who again assures me that he hasn’t got a problem. However, while I am home I look at my youngest brother and instantly know that he is now taking drugs. I confront him and he admits that he has used cocaine and that my brother had turned him on to injectable methadone and heroin. We talked and both went to see his GP who was hopeless and just told him to stop! He as well had a good job, which took him abroad a lot and I hoped that going away again would help him to kick the habit. I will continue soon, I am afraid that it doesn’t get any better.

[soph]

I couldn’t just read and not say anything. There’s something we all have in common on these threads, is that we take a huge sense of responsibility for our loved ones who are addicts when we shouldn’t. The guilt eats at us. You are so courageous to finally see its time to take a huge step back and think about yourself as it sounds like your life has been consumed by this with no appreciation. You’ve done so much for your brother not just financially but emotionally, you’ve used so much precious energy. Now it’s time to think about yourself

[vivvief]

I will continue first with the rest of the story about my youngest brother. He seemed to be doing so well, his career took him all over the world, he owned his own place and had a few girlfriends in different countries! As he was travelling so much he rented out his place and stayed with our parents when back in the UK. I trusted him so much, that I let him take my ten year old son away for the weekend. While they were away I received a phone call from my Mum telling me that she had found a used syringe in the bin, I was frantic, I had let my son be with a junkie, as this was before I had a mobile phone, I just had to wait, and it was a very long wait. When they arrived home, I confronted my brother and he admitted that he was using again, so as usual I stepped in to help. He moved into my house and stayed clean, we had lots of talking and all seemed positive. After a month he had to go abroad again for work and was returning in three weeks. He phoned me from the airport to say that he was back and coming back to stay with me, I said that could he postpone coming until the next day and he agreed that was fine and he would stay in a hotel in London for the night. The next day we were all waiting for him to arrive at my house, including my parents and children. Instead there was a knock at the door at it was the police, my brothers body had been found in a hotel room in London, there was a syringe by his bed and he had choked on his own vomit. He was 29 years old.

I am sure that you can imagine the devastation this caused us all, and the guilt that I felt, if only I had told him to come straight from the airport, something I have had to live with and try and come to terms with.

I will continue my story about my closest in age brother at a later date and also about the ripple effect of having an addict in the family.

[vivvief]

I just want to add something about the shame we as families feel when there is an addict in the family. After my youngest brother died, my parents didn’t want anyone to know how he had died, so I had to lie to friends and family and say that he died from a heart attack! So as well as the grief and guilt, we can add shame to the list. There is definitely a stigma to having an addict in the family,.. were they brought up badly? were they neglected ? Have you tried everything to help them?. In our family it just wasn’t talked about unless there was a crisis and boy, my youngest brother dying was a big crisis, my mother just completely fell apart and never recovered and for the first time ever I saw my father cry, but still nobody talked about the elephant in the room which was that my brother was still an addict and my youngest brothers death had just made him spiral down out of control.

[vivvief]

Moving on, my brother continued to use drugs and had times where he managed to keep it all together and times when he didn’t. When he didn’t I would step in and help. he has lived with me, my husband and two children several times over the years. I want to mention one of these stays. I was living in rural Ireland and my children were small, when I got the usual phone call from my parents saying that my brother was in trouble, so I stepped in and said that instead of going to rehab he could come and stay with me. He arrived with a ‘friend’ and basically partied for a week, but then whatever he had, ran out and his ‘friend’ went back to the UK. My brother then went into full withdrawals, it was June and we had to keep a fire going at all times, he lay around groaning and looking terrible, and then I could hear him pacing around at night. However after a couple of months he was clean, for the first time in fifteen years. What I didn’t realise is that he needed something to replace it, so when he got his benefit once a fortnight, he would disappear for a couple of days until he had drunk all the money. I had the brilliant idea of taking him to see a commune of people that worshipped a guru, some of whom were ex addicts, but he wasn’t interested! After about a year he met someone and seemed to be happy and healthy and drinking had taken a back seat, she had to continue her studies in London, so they moved to the UK together. Two weeks later he was back into taking heroin and whatever else he could get his hands on and his partner never found out. She finished her studies and asked him to return to Ireland with her and he said no, I knew that always the drug comes first. Can you see the pattern now? He gets in trouble or out of control and I step in to rescue him, and I continued to do this for fifty years! The last part of my story is how I have disentangled myself from my brother and how great it feels.

[vivvief]

It is now just over two years since my father died, cutting my brother out of his will and leaving his share to my other brother, because I would not say that I wouldn’t give it to him. Since then my brother who I have looked after for fifty years, has turned against me, because he thinks that somehow it is my fault, even though I have lost money not benefitted. I could not believe after all that we had been through together that he could just turn on me because of money, it broke my heart. I decided to take action, got in touch with AdFam and had six online counselling sessions. It was the best thing I ever did and I wish that I had known about it years ago. I have learned that I must separate myself from him and set boundaries for myself. This I have done and also I have realised that he doesn’t really care about me, only if I can help him or supply him with money. Now that I have stopped doing things for him, I have not seen him for over six months! He speaks to my other brother, who feels guilty and gives him money! It is early days and I am sure that if he hits a crisis I will be the one he calls, but I am ready to set those boundaries again and if necessary cut him off altogether. It is easy in hindsight to say ‘I shouldn’t have done this or that’ but I did all that I did because he is my brother and I love him. However, I will not let him walk all over me and my family again, I will think about myself first.

[fayzey]

Hi Vivvie, I have just read your story – I don’t know what to say but wanted to reply, it’s not fair you have had to deal with this all this time, it must have been so hard. I really hope you can make sometime for yourself and start putting yourself first. I’m sure your brother does care for you but the drugs always come first don’t they unfortunately xx

[eddie123]

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

[Author]

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