[doobear]

Hello everyone.

I am new to this forum and really glad I found it, it has been very enlightening to listen to others stories. I am in a predicament. I don’t know what to do and would welcome others thoughts and experiences.

The weirdest thing happened last September , after 20 years of not seeing my first love, we happened to cross paths in an entirely by chance way. We had been boyfriend and girlfriend back when we were 16 for a few years, it was an intense time, we lived together and fell in love.

I was addicted to ecstacy back then took numerous other drugs. When I was 19 I left London and cut off all ties to that life. stopping drug use and alcohol and have never touched anything since. Rightly or wrongly, this is what I needed to do to recover.

Anyway this is not about me, I met my first love again back in September 2019 after not having seen him for all this time, I had always thought about him and likely always loved him so to see him again was ecstacy in itself! we spent a couple of days catching up and he told me very honestly that he is a recovering cocaine addict. He goes to NA meetings and has been clean for 6 months or so. I couldn’t believe that he had stayed on this path, everyone else around him had moved on, cleaned up and settled down. But I made no judgement at all, he told me about his 12 step program and was extraordinarily positive about his new way of life. I was very proud of him and encouraging. he was just as I remembered him and the delightful man who I fell in love with and knew that I would easily fall back in love with him.

I live in France and went back home after a couple of days but we arranged for him to come over in 6 weeks time and stay for a week. We had an amazing time.

He then admitted a couple of weeks later that the minute he landed after going home he had got some cocaine. He had relapsed. We spoke about it, I was devastated and felt like it was my fault. He explained that when an addict feels so good they think they can handle just one line or one pill and then not do any more, but of course this isn’t the case.

Since then I know he has been using regularly, it eats me up knowing this and him not telling me, my emotions on this are obviously compounded by the fact that we live so far apart and can’t talk eye to eye. I don’t let on the disapointment or the frustration I get when he goes into his world. He is a different person and it sticks out a mile. He does try to be honest with me about when he uses, though he finds it difficult because of the shame and guilt but when I know it’s been going on I ask and then he tells me.

Since the lockdown, his NA meetings have moved online and I think it has set him back even more, the online meetings don’t quite do the trick for him.

Sorry I have waffled on a bit. I don’t know what to do now. I have obvioulsy rocked his world both good and bad, it seems I have derailed him.

I am now left with the choice of either walking away with the knowledge that I will be doing him a favour for his recovery by not being a disraction and saving myself the heartache of a life long recovery that may end up badly.

Or sticking around, not giving up on him and offerring my full support for recovery.

Will he let me help him? Will he be able to find the desire for a better life?

Am I kidding myself that I can have a lovely loving life with this man?

Can he commit both to recovery and me?

Will cocaine always be his lover over me?

Without blathering on too much I have a pressing need too that is having children, or at least one! before I am too old.

I hope I don’t sound horribly selfish but I feel so stuck and don’t know which way to go. I love this man and he loves me too, I want him to be in my life.

Sorry for the long post.

[hox-26]

Whilst you and everyone else has cleaned up and moved on he has stayed on this path. He now has the best of both worlds cocaine and yourself.

But now you feel you have to support him with his recovery. You can’t. Only he can get himself clean and until he does you will have no life with him.He has a better life, cocaine and you. You cannot have a lovely life with cocaine and him. If he wanted to commit to recovery and you would he not have done this already. There is no excuse for taking it, they take it when they are happy, take it when they feel depressed. There is always some excuse. It is something that you have to decide for yourself I’m afraid.

[kel1]

Absolutely nailed it. Couldn’t have said that better myself.

Cocaine destroyed my family and I’m only just picking myself off the floor from the damage it’s caused. It’s awful. It devastated my whole family and as a consequence I had a break down. Six months on and I’m still working hard on myself to cope and learn that IM NOT TO BLAME. As I was constantly told. You ain’t that far ahead yet so be very careful you want to engage with this.

This literally has changed and scarred me forever.

Leave. Just leave.

[mo229]

Hi doobear, your story has mirrored mine to an extent, me and my ex partner met 6 years ago and fell madly in love, broke up due to his cocaine addiction and him cheating on me (which I didn’t realise at the time) and a year ago we rekindled our love and he had told me at this point he had sought help and had been clean for a few months. I didn’t know too much about addiction and recovery at this point so we got back together and fell head over heels in love again because he swore that he would never go back to that life, so why shouldn’t I believe him? We had a blissful 10 months together which took a sudden turn whilst I was away on holiday, when he admitted to me he had relapsed on a night out. I thought he had control of the situation but the following month we spent together and I found him trying to make more and more excuses to drink and use. Cut a long story short, whilst he was quarantining himself in separate houses he ended things very abruptly with me, told me this is how he wanted to be, that he didn’t love me anymore, wants to be on his own and that I was a narcissist etc. All of these things came completely out of the blue, only a few days prior he was telling me how in love with me he was and how he wanted a family with me. Its now been a month and I have heard nothing from him, I’m assuming he has gone back to using again, who knows.

What I’m trying to get at is I understand how you feel in regards to you so want to believe the clean version of him is the one that speaks truth and the one you should stick by. I, like Hox26 and Kel1 have tried to support my partner in every way possible, yet as soon as it was convenient for him I got discarded for with no emotion for the addiction. Because he is relapsing already, and had only been clean for 6 months, it sounds like he still has quite a long road ahead before he’s fully on the right track, and going by everyone elses story on here…it’s not a simple road. You will always be second best and honestly, if you’re looking to have kids, this really isn’t the person you want to have them with. I’m in my late 20’s and that’s how I’m trying to view things, it’s better to walk away now, no matter how much it hurts, rather then further down the line when it gets more painful and complicated, which inevitably it will. As Hox26 says, its always going to be a life with cocaine and him, not just him.

I hope this provides a little comfort x

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