[louiseh]

Long story short I have been with my husband for 6 years. I have a 12 YO son from previous relationship and a 2 year old with my husband. About a year into our relationship I found out he was doing cocaine. But thought it was just following on from the single life with the lads (not that I find that acceptable) fast forward another year and I realised it was a serious problem. Money going, lies, going missing, blaming me the list goes on. Even having social services at our door after an altercation. I thought the death of both my parents, marriage, a baby and social services involved would be his wake up call but it wasn’t. I take it and take it and forgive him each time. Things seemed to get better after the wedding in September and I thought it had all stopped. Fast forward to today… Tuesday he just didn’t come home! Which led to a week bender and him being away from the house with no contact. He came home Thursday in a bad state and a large debt. I just struggle to see remorse and change. I can’t keep doing it and I’m at my wits end. He denies he’s an addict but everything about him scream addict. I can’t sleep or eat I feel frantic with anger and hurt. I just don’t think he’s ever going to change but I can’t bare the thought of walking away.

Anyone going through the same would be greatly appreciated. Just needed a rant where people understand.

[redfox20]

hey louise,

Firstly, how are you?

So sorry to read your story, wow you have been through alot. You’ve come to the right place as there is many us on here who understand how lonely and overwhelmed your feeling right now. Its a living nightmare one you would’nt wish on your worst enemy having an addict in your life.

Im a little further into my story then you but it started off the same way, hes use escalated into full blown addiction. A new baby, me kicking him out, him loosing jobs, depression he still goes back to it.

You will spend alot time trying to understand why he does the things he does and you wont make sense of it all. Gather as much information about addiction as you can this will help you understand and also not take it personally.

It will come above everything sadly which was so hard for me to accept. They will not change unless the consequences are so great even then they may carry on. You cannot help them unless they want to change it has to be their decision. you cannot control the outcome.

What you can control is what your willing to put up with if its affecting your mental health you have to put yourself first. If you feel it wont change then leave put you first this may provoke change in him or it may not he may do periods without it and go back.

Sadly it will get worse for him its a progressive disease. Unless he gets help and recovers this is the path he is on. You need to ask yourself where you fit in this situation if your enabling in any way its allowing the addiction to continue, sometimes cutting them off is the best thing for you both as it is a emotional rollercoaster trying to stay with an addict.

i hope this helps you.

xx

[louiseh]

Hello,

Thankyou so much for your response to my post. You have no idea how nice it is to have a message from someone in the same boat.

I’ve kicked him out in the past and we’ve gone a week with no contact but he gets his act together and ‘love bombs’ and I fall back into the same cycle.

I learnt a lot about enabling ect and I don’t give him money, he’s not allowed in the house until he’s back to normal after use and if I’m honest I’m vile to him after he’s used and I enjoy it as horrible as it sounds.

He went to the doctors after I lost my mum just before lockdown. But because he admitted his use they wouldn’t help re depression as that’s what he claims makes him use (from the research I’ve done depression is made worse by cocaine). They told him to come back in 3 months but unfortunately we went into lockdown and he didn’t take it further.

Unfortunately I’m financially dependent on him being a stay at home mum to our son. Both my parents have sadly passed away so it’s not like I have ‘home’ to return to. So finding a way out feels so slim right now.

May I ask did you leave, or are you still struggling on in the cycle? How do you cope with it all 🙁

Thankyou again so much for your response xx

[redfox20]

Hey Louise,

You’re very welcome and you’re not alone! it helps me so much coming on here so anytime you want to chat i check in daily. I know all too well the cycle of them leaving promises the love bombing etc you miss them and let them home but deep down in your gut you know its not right neither is it helping but you dont know what else to do.

Thats good your not actively enabling although the cycle is enabling if that makes sense. i totally get that you do get so angry at times it often falls on deaf ears though or they get defensive, so your not achieving much.

So sorry to hear the doctors weren’t much help, they should of offered him advice on where to get help for the addiction and suggest he stops and sees how hes depression is then and review it then as nothing will change in 3 months unless hes stops. Its a tough one because some people do use because they feel depressed to numb it and that drug is the worse for depression as you know. He wont get the help or answers from that until he stops unfortunately or speaks to a therapist to get to the bottom of it.

Sorry to hear that you cant just leave, its good he still has a job but it wont be long before that may be affected and you may have to look for financial support elsewhere. Its so tough if you need support to deal with living with an addict and detaching alanon is good i haven’t used it myself but its brilliant for people who cant just leave be it because of financial or if its your child suffering with addiction.

After a few times of him just disappearing when he either went to work or didnt go and went on a binge or he would go shopping drop food off on the doorstep and text to say hes messed up again he would then ignore my calls and left me heavily pregnant with 3 other children, racked with worry and anxiety i had enough asked him to leave that was last may he still lives with hes mum as not much as changed its got worse unfortunately. Were also not together.

I had to leave mainly for my mental health, it scared me how out of control i felt with worry and anxiety and nobody is worth my peace of mind. I felt guilty for this an wished i was stronger to help him but came to realise either way i couldnt help.

I cope by keeping busy, sorting areas of my life out that i can change or improve. 4 kids keep me very busy thats for sure. Im discovering myself and my strengths again also reading massively helps take me out of my head for a bit or reading up on addiction as it does comfort me at times as strange as that sounds its my mind making sense of it all i think.

xxx

[louiseh]

Hello again,

Sorry I haven’t been on here sooner. I completely understand the feeling of feeling out of control with your own emotions.. it’s so scary. I really admire your strength I honestly do. But take such courage to remove yourself from them and the situation. Sounds really silly but have you got tictok? Even though I am still with my husband I really found the whole narcissist and addict side of tictok so eye opening.

Just a little update on my situation.. he went to the doctors off his own back the following week and this time saw a different doctor who has prescribed him anti depressants and so far he seems in a better place and hasn’t used cocaine. Although I am not silly and know his normal pattern of behaviour is stays away from coke for roughly 6 weeks and then we have another awol not coming home bender. So I guess in a couple of weeks I will see.. as it’s only been 3 so far. I’m trying to drop the past and try and be supportive but it’s very hard at times.

I guess if this fails then I will accept there’s no helping him and I will have to remove myself and children from the situation. I guess I then know I’ve tried absolutely everything and he has nothing to hold over me regarding him changing. Because he’s never done anti dependents he’s always had the “I will try them and sort myself out”. Time will tell.

I hope your doing ok and remaining strong. Does he accept it for what it is or does he blame you for the break up? Has he accepted his issues or does he think he’s absolutely fine. If you don’t mind me asking.

Xxx

[emjay]

Hey.

I have just seen your story. I’m sorry and I hope that you and your children are ok.

This is almost mirror behaviour to my husband. I put up with it for over a decade. He is still a functioning active addict. He was prescribed antidepressants, attended c.a, had a sponsor. Two lots of rehab (which he left) and councelling.He manages 6 to 8 weeks clean, but even our marriage breaking down and having to provide drug tests to see our children is not enough. We moved to another country and within 8 days got cocaine delivered by our furniture removals!!

Please feel free to read my story. I’m sure you will identify a pattern similar.

You have done the best thing. You need to concentrate on you and your children. It’s so hard loving an addict.

If your mental health is suffering, that will impact the children and day to day living.

Leaving them is hard, but its way better than watching the person you love slowly kill themselves, destroy you and your kids lifes.

I read very little recovery stories for cocaine. I see mostly lapse, relapse after relapse. Working with addiction (which I no longer could, my husband made me feel like a shit counselor because I couldn’t help him) cocaine is awful. There is no medication like there is for heroin.

I hope you stay strong, look after you.

Much love x

[louiseh]

Hello Emjay,

Thanyou so much for taking the time to read my post and respond.

I read and re-read your story last night and was shocked with how much my story mirrors yours! Can I just I think you are so brave the way you continue to carry on and fight for your normal life. I can’t imagine how hard it must be living in a foreign country and deal with everything your loved one has put you through.

Your post has given me such hope that it is possible to break away from your loved one and get grips on your life.

I’ve sat here reading peoples experiences and desperately try and find happy endings but they are few and far between and sadly relapse is so common. I’m still with my husband but slowly I can feel myself emotionally detaching myself from him. Like I’m preparing for the next bender. I used to cry and worry when he was missing but now I just feel angry! My first thought used to be had he had a accident or something but now I’m like here we go again. And although full of rage and anger I just get on with my evening.

The thought of leaving is scary because right now we have a picture perfect life. From the outside we look like a happy couple with a beautiful family, home and cars as shallow as that sounds. When I leave the reality is I will have to move into a council house and leave my beautiful life behind. Although I do know in the long run I will have my sanity and happiness. Also my childrens happiness. I know all of this affects them and like you say when it starts taking it’s toll on your mental health it takes it’s toll on your day to day life. Some days I struggle to get out just to walk the dog and want to sit in my house in my pjs. Like someone had sucked the life out of me. Being an addicts spouse is just consuming and heart breaking. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Currently waiting for the next slip up and know if it’ll happen it’s only a matter of weeks.

How is your situation now? Are you still no contact apart from him being a dad. Does he realise it’s him with the problem or is he still in denial.

Sending you love & Thankyou again for sharing your story xx

[emjay]

Good morning LouiseH,

I feel like I’m reading my life! We, too, had the picture-perfect life. Excellent wages, beautiful home, cars. Everyone, including family, thinking it was a perfect life. My children were privileged in so many ways, but all this meant zero to them.

They asked me why it took so long to not let their father back ( we are looking at kids under 12 here) I explained I didn’t want them to not have everything.

My daughter says it’s worth more than anything to have me back, happier, not crying or stressing. Also to not be made to lie for her Father.This breaks my heart.

The impact on them also is far more than I thought.

My now 6-year-old son doesn’t even bother to get ready to see his Dad. If and when he turns up, he goes with him. He tells me it’s because he always forgets. It’s a surprise if he remembers.

I am embracing the beautiful country we live in. My children now go to local schools and speak the language fluently. They are much happier. They have friends over, and no one’s frightened of an under the influence Dad rocking up.

Financially, I am careful. Yes, things have changed. My kids no longer attend international school, but they now tell me they hated it and alot of their extra curriculum activities!!! They love being free to communicate with their new friends and be part of the city we live in.

He does not help. We still have a home, car, eat well. But, reality is no money or possession is worth the emotional abuse of living with an active additct for me.

My husband is just a Dad (when he manages to be); we are civil.

I do not entertain his pity party, excuses, or ask any questions.

It’s a huge decision, and hopefully, your loved one, will make a change to keep his family. Please remember this is his addiction and you can not fix him! Also, always remember, everyone’s breaking point is different and how you deal with it is the best way for you.

I would never say to anyone, Leave!! because it’s not that simple. Just always put you and your children first. He is a grown man and needs to take responsibility for himself.

Take care; I pray it changes for you. Hope to speak soon xx

[louiseh]

It’s funny how children pick up on it all and the affects it has. You must be an incredible mum as your children sound very well adjusted. My son is 12 and I try and shield him from the drugs side of things but he knows ‘dad’ goes awol and doesn’t come home. But it’s heartbreaking watching him confused and upset when my husband is gone alright he tries to put a smile on. Luckily my 2 year old doesn’t understand but I can see changes in his behaviour when his dad returns home.

Started my morning by demanding him to take a drugs test! He’s never done it in the house.. but this morning I woke up and had a gut feeling, went out to check the car and what appears to be tiny bits of coke was in the car and he just seemed off, also one of his cards was hidden in his draws with some white residue on. He’s passed the test so I’ve spent the rest of today trying to work out how he’s passed it. I know I look for things and ultra paranoid but it all points to cocaine use. I heard him to the test so he hasn’t used water or anything.

All will be revealed as either a debt will crop up or I’ll find something on his phone. Such a horrible way to live always playing detective!

Xx

[emjay]

How are you doing?

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