[afratto7-1]

My 19 year old daughter,  ella, has been back from rehab for 2 weeks. Her DOC is perks/fentynal. I went in her room to tell her dinner had arrived. I walked in and it smells like something  was burning. I reached for her cell phone to see if it was hot. It wasn’t. I take a closer  look at her and she looks asleep but her head is laying on the night stand and her mouth is open. I think she must have fallen asleep watching utube. But what smells. So I continue my search for the burning smell. As I get closer to her, I see a piece of tin foil on her night stand. It has burnt sections. I then see the outer casing of a vape in her lap. I then grab her and say Bella wake up. She wouldn’t wake up. I lightly smacked her, threw water on her face, shook her, I didn’t know what to do. I thought to myself. Did she just smoke her DOC in her room?  Does it make a person hard to wake up? So I ran to my bf and said come here ella won’t wake up.  Ran back to her room. My son, Atas, asked what is going on. I say she won’t wake up. We are all shocked and didn’t know what to do. Should we call 911? Is she breathing, my bf asks? I then realize oh shit is she breathing? By now her lips are a red grape purple and she is limp with no response. I had taken cpr so I knew to check for pulse. It was beating. Then I checked for breathe, there was none. I picked her up with my adrenaline rushed mommy strength from the bed and gently but quickly laid her down on the floor. I immediately started cpr. Meanwhile Atas says I am calling 911 right now. I am crying, shaking profusely with fear and pushing on her chest. screaming her name over and over. Her lips are blue her face and skin are pale. She is lifeless. I start counting 1 one thousand 2 one thousand  out loud. Just trying to keep myself focused on the task at hand. Every time I push in I hear a breathe leave her body. I know it is working. 30!!!.. I tilt her head and breathe into her mouth twice. I start again 1 one thousand…..I ended up breathing into her like 10 times. Then the police show up. He says keep going. My face is wet with sweat and tears I yell, I will. He runs out to his car and grabs the  overdose med. He comes back in and says, I got it from here. That is when I completely lost it. I am wailing, shaking, thinking my child is going to die. He puts in the meds and keeps on pushing.  She wakes up with an inhale. I was so relieved it is unexplainable. Now, I am just so confused and shocked and glad and mad. How could she do this?  Meanwhile , Atas is in total shock he can’t speak I grab him and hold him tight.. He squeezes me and says,, she is ok mom it is going to be ok.. he is 14 and was and is so brave. 

What if I hadn’t gone in her room? Would she have died in her bed?  Would my child have actually died?  Is this how we have to live? In constant fear that my child, his sister, will die? What about my son? He shouldn’t have to see this. We have all tried and tried and tried again to support her. I gave her a clean slate, I trusted her again. I do not want to live this way. I am angry with her for putting us thru this. If she loves us then how can she do this? If she wants to die then please don’t do it in my home. I cannot and will not allow her drug use in my home.  I will not support her in her addiction. I will only support her in her sobriety. Even then, I still don’t trust her. How can I? I give up. I have boundaries that I will not allow her to cross. Our home is not safe for her.i will not be responsible for her addiction. I will not inspect her room every day. I will not allow her to continue to lie and steal from me. I truly believe I am done. Tough love is so hard.

As she is waking she sees the firemen and starts to scream No, no I won’t go.the medics must take her to hospital. She will not go. So, they each take a limb and carry her out of the house screaming, mom mom no mom…My heart is breaking.  My neighbors are being wakened by her wailing. I can’t think,  my body won’t stop quivering from the shock. I don’t want to go with her. I don’t want to help her, I can’t, I must get myself calmed down. I have to stay here for my son. I am being torn from all directions. The police ask me to sit and

help them by answering some questions.  The house is now quiet. I answer questions in an adrenaline induced fog.

I kept thinking, I just saved my daughter’s life, she almost died. The police say their sorry and leave.  Now it is just myself, my bf and my son. We sit on the couch and stare . My son and I are in each other’s arms in complete shock. I was asked to go to the hospital to see Bella by the fireman. I said not right now. So, do I go to the hospital?  She can’t come here tonight. We made a pact that if she relapses she goes right back to rehab.

I can’t just leave my son. So we decide to contact his father to pick him up. He wants to stay with me and I want to stay with him but I now must go see to Ella.

He begrudgingly goes. I tell him I love him and we will figure this all out tomorrow. 

I take some time to breathe and calm myself. And then pack her bag for rehab. I head to hospital. She has decided she will not do what is best for her and go back to rehab. I have to explain she cannot come home until after rehab. She proceeds to cuss me out and tell me I don’t love her if she can’t come home. Once again, my heart is breaking. I must summons the courage to stand my ground and guard my boundaries. With embarrassment I start to try to explain. To the nurse why she cannot come home. He stops me and says he understands. So, I ask one more time if she will let me take her to rehab. She yells no just leave. Meanwhile she is calling  “a friend” to pick her up. With tears welling up again, I walk away……

She is bipolar and a drug addiction

She has overdosd 3 times. I have been struggling with her since her first runaway at 13. I need to get my feelings out and think it will help to talk to other parents  that have had these issues. When do I have permission to give up?  Tough love is so hard.

Thank you for letting me get this all out into the universe. Maybe I can actually sleep now. Tomorrow is a new day.

[jem]

Hello,

Your story is so sad and hard to read, but so many people on this site will understand what you’ve been through and the helplessness you feel in not being able to stop your daughter from using.

From your email, I guess you are in America. We don’t really have fentanyl in the UK (thank goodness) or widely available rehab.

I made the mistake a while ago of letting my son use heroin at home, on the understanding that he was ‘working on it.’ He didn’t work on it at all, he cut down a little bit sometimes but nothing really changed and he just became further removed from real life.

I look back now and I should have enforced boundaries around using at home. It would have forced the situation but that would have made him confront it earlier on. Once they are using its an uphill battle to get a good outcome and you have to protect yourself and the rest of your family. You didn’t make your child start using drugs, and you/we can’t solve this for them either. Its something they are going to have to confront and manage for the rest of their lives. I read a lot of threads on Opiates Recovery on Reddit, and there are lots of good outcomes, but I don’t think this is ever very much to do with their parents, its about them really wanting to do it for themselves. That thread on Reddit could be a really good support for you, its a really good place to go and ask your own questions to people that have been through addiction or are going through it now.

Your world is very different from ours because fentanyl is so potent and its easy to overdose. I really do feel for you and the fear that you must live with because of this.

When I first got in touch with a help organisation when I first found out about my son and his heroin use, about 5 years ago, they told me to have strong boundaries, not to live too close to my son, and to focus on my own life. I managed to ignore all of it, and during Covid I let him take complete advantage and his presence cast a real shadow over our lives. I used to think that they were very harsh on my son, but now I think its realistic. You need to be the best you can be for your family and to help your child when she wants your help to get her life back. I look at the permanent stress, money I’ve spent, time I’ve wasted, and other family that I’ve not supported in the meantime and its not really done anything.

I am not sure if that has been helpful, but please protect yourself and your family.

[Author]

Posts