[jem]

Hello,

Your story is so sad and hard to read, but so many people on this site will understand what you’ve been through and the helplessness you feel in not being able to stop your daughter from using.

From your email, I guess you are in America. We don’t really have fentanyl in the UK (thank goodness) or widely available rehab.

I made the mistake a while ago of letting my son use heroin at home, on the understanding that he was ‘working on it.’ He didn’t work on it at all, he cut down a little bit sometimes but nothing really changed and he just became further removed from real life.

I look back now and I should have enforced boundaries around using at home. It would have forced the situation but that would have made him confront it earlier on. Once they are using its an uphill battle to get a good outcome and you have to protect yourself and the rest of your family. You didn’t make your child start using drugs, and you/we can’t solve this for them either. Its something they are going to have to confront and manage for the rest of their lives. I read a lot of threads on Opiates Recovery on Reddit, and there are lots of good outcomes, but I don’t think this is ever very much to do with their parents, its about them really wanting to do it for themselves. That thread on Reddit could be a really good support for you, its a really good place to go and ask your own questions to people that have been through addiction or are going through it now.

Your world is very different from ours because fentanyl is so potent and its easy to overdose. I really do feel for you and the fear that you must live with because of this.

When I first got in touch with a help organisation when I first found out about my son and his heroin use, about 5 years ago, they told me to have strong boundaries, not to live too close to my son, and to focus on my own life. I managed to ignore all of it, and during Covid I let him take complete advantage and his presence cast a real shadow over our lives. I used to think that they were very harsh on my son, but now I think its realistic. You need to be the best you can be for your family and to help your child when she wants your help to get her life back. I look at the permanent stress, money I’ve spent, time I’ve wasted, and other family that I’ve not supported in the meantime and its not really done anything.

I am not sure if that has been helpful, but please protect yourself and your family.

[Author]

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