[navy]

Hi all

I found out my husband was taking drugs and it broke my heart. I asked him previously many years ago and he denied it. When I exploded one evening that I new what he was doing and how hurt I felt.

I can’t live like this I don’t think he knows how bad he is how this effects his health? His temper,his anger the things he says. I’ve been reading the forum for the passed couple of weeks hoping that he had stopped trying to understand how we go through this with someone we love. he said there were not drugs in the house that he loved me I was his life just to find that white stuff on my units. It’s killing me I love him so much but can’t live like this knowing he is still doing it. Well it came to a row again today and I told him he said there were no drugs and there has been he said where? all over the units!!!

I’m devastated I don’t know who he is anymore. He said again I’m his life. I said I love you but this has to stop I’m going to try again but am I being naive?

How do you block out what they have done? How do you Turn a new page? How do you cope?

[wavy22]

Hello,

Sorry to hear you are going through this but it sounds like your husband is in denial about what he’s doing which is often what they do to minimise It, like it’s not a problem and they are in control of it but they’re not.

It takes a lot of patience to block out what they’re doing and how they treat you. Mine promised to stop numerous times but could never quite stop for good, he ended up blaming me for the drugs he’s took, as if he needed a reason to use.

It’s made me really ill all the lying, the deceit, the manipulation the anger/mood swings… the list goes on.

If you are wanting to stick it out, I would seek some help for yourself such as counselling or find something that makes you happy, as it really does start to take an emotional toll on you.

If your husband isn’t ready to admit or take responsibility for his actions, make sure you continue to look after yourself, stay strong xx

[navy]

Hi Rae2022

Hope you are doing ok and staying strong.

I’m in turmoil again, I’m sure he used drugs yesterday to get though a stressful day as when I got home from work he had a headache and needed to go to bed, I ended up eating alone again and Iam sure there were traces of white powder that had been wiped down. I think he is now cleaning up after himself but he will slip up if I’m right. ( I want to be wrong) He went to bed (separate) room.

I got up the following morning and went to the gym early, he text me to say he has anxiety just before I finished, I text back that I won’t be long as we were going to go out. I got home and he said he hadnt shower but there was no rush was there. I knew then we wouldn’t be going anywhere. I showered and he asked me if we could have a chilled day. I said I would do the Cleaning and washing then as it’s a beautiful day. He slept on and off all day.…. It was coming up to lunch time and I made food, he ate it and then asked me to watch tv which I did and he slept most of the way through it so I didn’t see the point, I went to the kitchen and done the ironing, he was back & fo grazing on food (this is the come down I think) later in the afternoon, I tried again to sit and watch tv but he kept falling asleep, I had to go out on an errand and he went and made sandwiches for himself and ate them I said I was about to do an early dinner. He said on your way back you can pick up takeaway I said there is nothing around open.

I made him food when I got in he ate all of it, I cleaned up and went into living room to watch tv but he started to get agitated and said a few hurtful things, he lays down on the sofa to watch tv, so he is now complaint that he can’t breath through his nose it’s blocking up he is embarrassed to be sniffing he is also falling asleep again whilst we are trying to watch tv.

I may as well be in another room!!!!!!! He has gone to bed In a huff. Want the hell is all that about. And I forgot to put the quilt back which he complained about. Aaarrrggghhh

I’ve lost it, I’m angry I’ve done everything today.

Do addicts have problems with their nose? He uses a neti he says for sinuses and hay fever which I think is BS he uses it too many times. He also takes a lot of pain killers he goes through paracetamol like smarties. This is where the headache comes from I think….

I wonder what tomorrow will bring. Iam hoping for a good day, I don think we will be going out tho, I reckon he will be ill? It’s going to be my fault, I didn’t listen when he said about not being able to breath which meant when he went to bed he couldn’t sleep for anxiety !!!!!

Sorry for rambling, xx

[navy]

Hi Rae2022

Thank you for your reply

I think I’m naive in thinking he is going to stop. Yes he blames me for being unhappy I need to be happy and give him Unconditional love that is what he said to me

I want to believe him.

He went out last night and I really don’t know if he did it. he got up with a bad chest!

I went shopping leaving him to relax.

I got home to find it on the sofa. I’m thinking did I not clean the sofa! I’m blaming myself that this was from previous use not today. I think I’m trying to block it out.

I go to the gym twice a week which is good for me. I work full time too.

I’m going to try again and see how it goes.

Did you end up leaving your husband?

I hope you are stronger and keeping well now. I’m not sure how strong Iam but I will try.

Thank you so much

Take care x

[donthaveaclue]

It does sound like my experience of someone on a coke come down.

The main things I recognised are:

The moodiness

Wanting to sleep all day and wanting to just lie around watching TV

The eating masses of food/grazing

Nose issues

I have spent most of the time since I had a child doing everything because my addict is either high or on a come down. He very rarely goes anywhere with us or does anything with us. If we are ‘lucky’ he might watch TV with us.

It’s a very lonely and isolating experience. I’m like a single mum most of the time.

[navy]

Thank you for responding and letting me know that you have the same experience as me.

We had a good day yesterday we did get out and friends joined us for lunch we had a lovely meal and drink and was home by 7pm.

Today he is suffering ,he says he didn’t sleep last night and is tired today. He is sniffly and is experiencing chest pains so going to use a Neti as can’t breath and taking paracetamol and going for a sleep he said he is not leaving me all day on my own.

I’m not sure if he used last night as I’m trying so much not to watch and judge but with the way he is feeling today I think he is struggling.

I hope your doing ok it’s such a shame that you feel like a single mum your child must see it too.

Look after yourself too

Thinking of you and thank you xx

[jamesb]

Hi Navy I hope you are okay.

I’m sorry you are going through this but I really respect that you express that you still love him etc.

I was the addict in my story so I’m able to kind of give the other side of the coin advice.

No one ever decides one day to become and addict. No one ever sets out to hurt their loved ones and when your husband tells you he loves you and you are his world I don’t doubt for a second that it’s the truth.

I loved my partner with every once of my being through my darkest days of addiction. Despite all the lies I told to her the things I did I honestly loved her as much as I ever did. It’s hard to understand for some people how addiction takes control of a person, you say and do things that in a sober state you would never dream of and you do them without a seconds thought. It really is like the addiction is in the driving seat. your body has been hijacked and you are not in control.

It’s important to understand that addiction is an illness. Alot of people in your position would take the view that an addict just doesn’t care about them because why would they lie and continue to take drugs but if it was that simple then addiction wouldn’t be a thing in this world. Some people get angry and see it as the addict being selfish. Thinking that they know how much it effects their financial position, their family life, work life but still as long as they get their fix that’s all they care about.

I’ll tell you, I spent hours off my face, in tears longing for a way to break free. A way to be the man I once was and the man my partner deserved but somehow I would still the very next day get on it again.

There is almost always a deep routed reason why someone turns to a substance in the first place.

I don’t mean just recreational every now and then with friends at the pub. That doesn’t need any more reason than it’s fun because honestly at the beginning it is the best thing in the world.

But to take it over that line where its using alone at home, using when you know you shouldn’t be. There is something that the cocaine or drugs is being used to help with. At the end of the day it’s a drug no different in many ways to a drug you would be prescribed.

For me cocaine made me emotionless. It blocked out the ability for me to feel emotions and when I lost my mum at the age of 27, and I was self employed and needed to literally just go back to work the next day, I started to use cocaine because I found myself breaking down at work unable to get anything done due to my greif. As soon as I took cocaine I was able to carry on as if nothing had every happend.

That took my use from every know and then with friends at the pub to every day.

Within a year of her passing my dad did and of course I already was using daily so I just cracked on as if I was okay. Deep down I was broken both emotionally and financially. My partner knew and just looked at it as disrespect to her. Thought it was me just wanting to take drugs to be a “lad” thought it was me being a low life. But as long as the bills where paid she was happy to a degree. That in turn led to a life of constant arguements and carrying already so much hurt I couldn’t stop using cocaine because if I did even for a few days the reality of life would hit so hard I wouldn’t be able to function.

I guess what I’m saying is, talk to him, but more importantly listen. Offer him understanding. And I hope that the man you love will come back to you.

On the flip side however. If he is not willing to change and despite your support gets further and further into addiction l. At some point you have to draw a line to safe guard yourself but please know this.

If someone has mental health issues. You don’t kick them to the curb. If someone has depression or anxiety or a ln eating disorder you don’t kick them to the curb so please don’t treat someone struggling with addiction that way.

Love is the cure for addiction.

Stay strong

James x

[navy]

Hi jamesb

Thank you so much for your reply

I’ve read and re-read your post to understand how he is feeling.

I’m trying

However I wanted to talk about his addiction but he has told me he is not using. He did and has always used (recreational)since I met him. which to me is saying he has lied to me all my life. He said I need to love him unconditionally and get past that he used cocaine. As I’ve asked previously especially when my cousin died from taking drugs and drowned in a river and wasn’t found for 6 weeks!!

I think this is why I hurt so much.

He also has mental illness and was diagnosed this when I was with him as he had bouts of anxiety but I’m thinking again was it really because of his mental health or is his mental illness because of the use of drugs!!

I wish he would talk to me about it but he shuts me out. He is upstairs now as can’t sit in living room & watch tv with me as he sniffly and needs to talk through the programme so he now has anxiety. I need to watch tv without distraction but I will try again for him. As you can see I do love him but if I find that he has been using again I will have to leave as it’s effecting my health.

Thank you for your support and helping me to understand that addiction is an illness but can only be helped if they want it.

Thank you for sharing your story xx

[navy]

Hi Jamesb

I have a few questions if you don’t mind. You don’t have to answer-:

You said you loved your partner but the drug over takes you.

Do you remember what you say when you hurt?

When your not taking the drug do you feel on your own or want to be on your own?

Do you have withdrawals such as anxiety? Snuffy nose? Eating crap food? Tired and need to sleep?

How long is it until the drug overtakes you to take again?

Have you managed to kick the addiction or get help to get you through it. Hope you are now stronger.

Take care x

[pambler]

I have a cocaine addiction and had two wonderful living girlfriends who I hid this from throughout my using . I lost both and lost all friends from it . The more you lose the less likely you are to stay sober because you dwell on the things you could of had so what’s the point anymore . For anyone who has something good in there life work at you addiction then . Get them involved if you think they can cope with it . Don’t lose everything. That’s where I am . I’m on day 4 of sobriety and it’s emotional and demoralising as I have no future in sight but it’s the only way I will get anywhere so I have to go through this pain . I wish I had a partner to help but I only have my mum and she’s been hurt so bad by me it rots me inside . Please talk to people before it’s out of anyone elses hands xx

[navy]

I wish you all the best. Well done for admitting and getting help, this must be the hardest thing to do.

I wish my husband would admit it or even talk to me about it. I’m still hoping I’m wrong but today has been hard he has slept all day and grazed when he awake, then blames me for that he uncomfortable sitting with me to watch tv (which he is asleep anyway).

Take it day by day don’t look into the future. I’m sure as the days turn into weeks and into months you will start to feel better. I’m glad you have your mum support. More support is out there keep it up and post on here how well you are doing and the days you feel like your struggling as I’m sure we are all here to support you too. Keep it up, stay strong xx

[navy]

Hi all

I need to write down how I’m feeling. I’m struggling. I’m angry, I’m upset.

I’m hurting so badly I don’t know what to do. My husband is still on cocaine (years) I don’t know what to do. He has mental health issues too for years and lost his dad a couple of months ago so I’ve been treading carefully and trying to understand his feelings. I’ve found the white stuff on the units and bathroom again!!!!

I know he is still using he was so angry with me today and I needed help he has gone into another room left me on my own. I know he is feeling like this from using and I want to tell him that I know he is using but I’m scared if I confront him what he will do. He is so angry he says he needs someone to love him he will never ever ask for help. I tried to get him to sit and talk to me.

It’s tearing me apart I’m so upset he’s not the husband I once knew. He would have been so caring, loving and would do anything for me.

He says everyone always wants something from him gets all the shit in work

I know he is grieving after his dad but he needs to talk not use cocaine. I never thought he would be like this as the relationship wasn’t close. Perhaps he feels guilty and wished he had been closer!!

What do I need to do? Do I need to be strong and tell him that I know he is still using and tell him I’m going to leave if he doesn’t get help and point him in the direction of CA and the 12 steps, and I need proof that he is taking these steps.

I feel sick. Thank you for listening to me x

[themidgetgem]

It’s awful isn’t it my husband will not admit he’s an addict yet takes cocaine all night long and sleeps all day . He says he’s not my husband and can do what he wants . I find him on dating sites sex sites and messaging other women .

I’m working two jobs because he won’t work yet he tells me to get out the house by next week . I’m depressed I’m lonely and I’ve had enough . My self esteem is in my boots I feel humiliated that everyone around knows he’s messaging all these girls and him telling everyone he’s single . It’s awful and I genuinely have thought of ending my life because I just want it all to stop

[themidgetgem]

It’s awful isn’t it my husband will not admit he’s an addict yet takes cocaine all night long and sleeps all day . He says he’s not my husband and can do what he wants . I find him on dating sites sex sites and messaging other women .

I’m working two jobs because he won’t work yet he tells me to get out the house by next week . I’m depressed I’m lonely and I’ve had enough . My self esteem is in my boots I feel humiliated that everyone around knows he’s messaging all these girls and him telling everyone he’s single . It’s awful and I genuinely have thought of ending my life because I just want it all to stop

[navy]

Hi there

How do you know he is doing this everyday? Do you find the powder or is it tat he sleeps the following day with grazing whilst awake.

You must be heart broken too.

Why are you still with him if you know about the cheating? I don’t know if my husband as ever cheated on me I know he flirted once I front of me many years ago!!

You really need to look after yourself and have support around you. Your life is important and people love you. Please never let yourself get to the point of ending your life because of a man. My best friend did this she hang her self and left two beautiful children behind I still don’t know why she didn’t reach out for help. I hate him fir what he did. I know don’t have a best friend.

I’m sending you all

My love and thinking of you be strong and take care xx

[jamesb]

Hi Navy, I’m so sorry I just realised reading through the thread that you asked me some questions a while back but I must have missed the post so I never got back to you.

I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time, no one deserves this and I know my first initial response to you was mainly giving you information to try better understand what your husband is dealing with with his addiction but it in no way excuses any partner treating their other in a bad way.

To reply to your current situation, him bring angry at you all the time and going in other rooms etc.

You to him (well his addiction) right now are literally an obstacle, you’re in the way. Imagine he has a little voice in his head that is the addiction. That voice doesn’t like you. It tells him to avoid you because he cant use Infront of you. You want him to stop you are not okay with it. That voice (the addiction) in order to survive needs him to believe that h using cocaine isn’t the problem, everything and everyone else is the problem. I know this because I used to do the exact same thing.

He will snap and tell you he needs someone to love him but in reality giving him affection and love right now will be near impossible because all he wants to do is be alone with his little voice and get on it. Even though deep down the real him knows that you aren’t the problem and that he is the one in the wrong his addiction wires his brain to genuinely believe that you are bad.

This isn’t just you though, like you said he thinks everyone wants setting from him and he gets all the shit from work. This is because as an addict he will always play the victim, that’s a coping mechanism to bridge the 2 parts of him the decent part or the guy he was and the addicted side. Without that, when he wakes up the next day and he is back to feeling himself, he would be overridden with guilt for all the bad things he says and does due to his addiction so the outcome is that he feels a victim, he tells himself he’s the good guy and everyone wants from him. He tells himself the greif of losing his dad is why he gets on it. ( I did the exact same for years when losing my parents but the truth is after a while I want greiving, I was just an addict).

The bottom line is right now he is in full frontal denial.

Now the advice I would give is this…

Out right confrontation may be a bad idea because he may become angry ect and blame you. But you need to make him aware you know and that you will not tolerate this forever.

If you have a place you can stay, a friend or family’s place.

Write him a letter. Write it in a way that tells him that you know everything he is doing. Tell him how it makes you feel. Tell him that you miss the old him that you so very loved and tell him that you want that man back or you will have to leave.

Give him the option, if he works through it and gets back to the man he was and is clean you will love and support him but if he doesn’t then you have no intention of staying with the man he becomes.

Go stay with a friend and have no contact for a few days (tell him in the letter when you will be back)

Let him sit and really think to himself what he wants and I hope that this will open his eyes to just how bad it has gotten.

If however he chooses to blame you and continue acting the way he is then as hard as it is you need to protect your happiness and move on with your own life. You don’t deserve to live in misery or fear.

I hope that makes sense and I know that you must feel so alone right now but all of us on here are always going to be here for support.

Stay strong and I hope you’re okay

James x

[navy]

Hi James

Thank you

Your words made me cry so much. But it all reads so true. I really don’t know if he realises what he is doing to me.

Thank you for your advice I need to be strong and word a letter the right way so he understands how much I love him but I can’t live like this. He had lost another friend . I’m not sure why. He now doesn’t have any close friends. He doesn’t go anywhere.

He wants to be on his own today so I’m down My parents and taking my dad out for lunch. I’ve said about us going for a walk later but he said no he will see me tomorrow?!

I’m hoping to have the courage to write this letter to him this week and I will stay in a hotel as I don’t want my parents to worry about me.

Thank you for your support, help and guidance in this horrible journey that I’m going through.

Thank you so much xx

[navy]

Hi James

I’ve re-read your post and I just want to ask when you have had a day & or night on cocaine do you actually wake up and remember the day before? do you know what you said? You said you feel guilty is this because you lied. I’m sorry if I’m dragging up things but your advice is very grateful

Is this why you want to sleep all day and only wake up to eat do you know this is because of your use? I’m trying to understand as today he has slept all day. I woke up not very well and had to cancel my day until my medication worked which they did 3 hours in.

He had to do a call which he did I stayed in my room then came down to get water I said to him I’m going to shower then clean upstairs he said he needed an hour which is fine. When he knew I was cleaning he got anxious. (I think I know why) white powder on floor & I found it in a cupboard!!!!! I didn’t say anything I went about getting it done he slept.

When I finished I said let’s go for lunch out he said I’m not well and went to bed (I’m sad) He was anxious around me. I felt I shouldn’t be there that I’m in the way.

I went out anyway. When I came back he was still asleep. I made dinner he ate it and has gone back to sleep is this because he took it last night and is on a come down? Does it make you sleep that much.

When did you get cravings? Is it always the same time? I know you said it’s a voice in his head and I know I have to write this letter I’m just so upset I don’t think I will ever trust him again and I don’t think he is going to be willing to be tested or talk to me about it. I guess I know it’s going to be over and I need to be prepared.

It’s also not that easy to leave as I have another situation to attend to which I have others depending on me but I also know I need to look after myself otherwise my condition is going to flare up and I’m going to be unwell.

Thank you again for your advice and guidance through my situation.

Navy xx

[navy]

Hi James

Hope your doing well and having a great weekend.

Things are not great but I’m trying it’s been a week since he said that he is given up he says he knows what he has to do but I don’t think he had had professional help.

Can I ask if you drink alcohol does it make you want the the drug (cravings) so it’s best never again to drink again.

I’m struggling as we have rowed today as I thought he wanted to spend the day with me instead he got up feeling Ill. I went shopping when I got back I wanted to know how he was I wanted him to open

Upto me. He said he felt attacked that I’m never going to accept what he did and leave it go. He said I’m judging him all the time I make him anxious.

I thought I was being helpful by talking to him trying to understand wanting him to get out for fresh air with me. Yes I admit I don’t trust him it’s hard I honestly don’t think he has given up as I found a small wrap a rolled up note in a bag under his clothes. He told me he got rid of it all last week!!!

I think he wanted to row with me to get me out of the house which worked ive been driving around all afternoon.

Ivd phoned Samaritans to talk as I feel it’s all my fault. I don’t know what to do for the best.

Sorry for rambling on am I wrong for feeling this way when he had said he had given up should I forget about it. I think I need professional help to cope with this can you suggest someone I can talk too?

Thank you

Navy xx

[themidgetgem]

He sleeps all day he lies , he hasn’t cheated that I know of but he nearly slept with our neighbour but she changed her mind last minute . I’ve found him on dating sites and found messages on his phone . He says he’s single so technically he can do what he wants . I know he takes it everyday he’s always on his phone he lies. I just want him to leave the family home and sort himself out xx

[navy]

Hi themidgetgem

Your basically living on your own. If he wants to be single and act that way he does, he should move out. He stays because you provide him shelter & food.

Do you give him money?

Where does he get his money from to buy drugs?

Can you leave and get somewhere else to live?

I know it shouldn’t be you to leave.

Do you have children? It’s hard when you have children. I’m lucky there I don’t have children.

I have to be strong and think of myself, and do what James advise me to do. As this is making me Ill and I hate lying to the people I love who care and just want me to be happy and are concerned about me.

Im sitting here in spare room again on my own, thinking about the letter I need to write.

Take care and stay strong

Xxx

[themidgetgem]

I dont him money I just pay the bills and food and support the young adult kids we have . He gets carers for looking after his dad not that he does as he dosent leave the house . He won’t leave he just causes a scene . I’ve got to the point I just live my life and he exists . As long as my kids are okay I really don’t care anymore what he does .

I’ve come to the strength that he’s the weak one he’s the addict not me and I am a strong independent woman with a good career and money .

Thank you for your support xxx

[navy]

Hi themidgetgem

Hope your doing ok?

You are definitely a strong woman keep your chin up and as long as you are looking after yourself and getting on with your life then good on you. If you can do this whilst sharing a house your defo a strong woman.

I hope to be as strong as you and get this letter written soon. I’m so scared but I know it’s the right thing to do it’s just timing it.

Take care xx

[themidgetgem]

Hi lovely ,

I struggle with the lies the secrecy . I hate it when people say it’s not him it’s the drugs because he can make a choice and clearly chooses that over me . He sleeps all day too . There’s no conversation there’s no nothing , I’d leave but why should I leave my home because he chooses drugs over his family

I hope you get the answers you need

Take care xxx

[navy]

Hi there

I hope your doing ok? I need to vent I hope this is ok.

I’ve had enough now, today has been awful, I’ve been trying to keep it together but I can’t no more, I have to tell him that I know he is still using it’s all over the house, his attitude stinks, his behaviour is awful.

I’m breaking my heart, I’m sobbing as I write this as he’s gone to bed feeling unwell, he’s Stressed out, he’s done to much!!!!

I think I’m broken, I have to tell him tomorrow. I can’t live like this. He makes me feel that this is my fault that everyone is against him, no one loves him he is on his own.

. OMG I started my day at 6am and got back to the house at6.30pm, cooked, washed up and made box for tomorrow all whilst he watched and complained about everyone and everything. As I’m tyding up I find the white stuff on my units and on the floor! He can’t even see it. Aaarrrggghh

I know I have to tell him now, I’m just so scared of what he might do, oh god why do I feel like this, he is a grown adult he needs to be told.

Thank you for listening I’m feeling a little better since writing this down and sharing

Hope everyone out there is doing ok and looking after themselves xx

[themidgetgem]

Hi lovely ,

Please don’t feel bad ! This is him not you . It’s his choices his behaviour you cannot control how he behaves you can only control how you react . I spoke with the police a few months ago and they told me that addicts need to hit Rick bottom before they finally realise and act for themselves ! Only them can change their behaviour and habits , nothing you do or say will work o my he can decide to change . You are strong and you will get through this . He will realise in his time

Hope this helps

Take care lovely xxx

[navy]

Hi lovely

It’s early hours and I can’t sleep, I feel so sick right now. Thank you for posting, I just feel so upset that this is going to effect so many people when I tell him that I’m leaving, he needs professional help if he wants to come off this drug, it’s not as easy as he made out to me. I knew that really when I read all these posts of what others are going through and website that I read trying to understand. I’ve been naive and stupid.

I’m going to get help for myself today to help me tell him how I feel and that I’m not coming home until he gets help and he has to prove this to me if he wants me back as I don’t trust him anymore as he has lied to me. I can’t just forget this.

Hope you are doing ok? Has he left or are you still living separate lives, I feel for you and your children, stay strong xxx

[themidgetgem]

You are a strong lady !!

I wish I could just leave but I really don’t want to leave my home . I wish he would just go and leave me and my boys to have a happy life . He’s going out tonight with his friend and family I’m hoping he cheats on me (not that he thinks it is cheating because he’s single ) . I just want a normal life with a man who treats me right and isn’t a cocaine addict

I hope your okay today xxx

[navy]

Hi lovely

I’m not very well. I’ve cried all day on & off. I’ve thought how I’m going to talk to him but again I’ve got home and he’s not well and back in his room. I know he struggling with his dad death but everyone goes through this I know it just an excuse

I’m struggling I just wish he wouldn’t lie to me and tell me he still takes it. Why can’t I just call him out what’s wrong with me!!!!! I want to scream at him. I feel helpless. I know I’m going to crack at some point. Thank you for being there for me.

Will keep you updated how I’m getting on.

Thank you. Stay strong and just keep yourself and boys safe

Lots of love & hugs xxx

[navy]

Hi lovely

How are you? Did he come home from the night with the family? I hope everything was ok.

I can’t stand the lying

I got home yesterday after a long day and he had been sleeping all day. I was knackered I would have loved him to look after me. Nope I cooked dinner he ate it, I cleaned up he slept.

I sat in living room wanting to tell him about my day I’m talking to him and he can’t look at me. He’s agitated, moving can’t keep still. He then says about an event which I’m going to and he has the date wrong I correct him and he goes off on one. He said If I never plan anything then we don’t go anywhere!!!!! How wrong he is. I have tried but he is always unwell and can’t go (won’t go more Likely) I tried to talk to him and explain that he said not to make plans as he feels pressured so I don’t now I’m wrong again!!!

Can’t do this anymore ivd made myself so Ill and I don’t like lying to my friends and family either.

I need to be strong today. I need to tell him I can’t go on like this. That I know his symptoms are all drug related and the stuff has been seen and tested. He never give it it up.

Take care and thank you for listening to me go and on. xx

[navy]

I’m having a nightmare

I managed to get to leave the house for a couple of hours but it turned out that He said I don’t love him because he is unwell all the time!!!

But I know the reason is because of cocaine not because he is actually unwell. He has sinus infection and hayfever. He feels down!!! He’s hungry he has eaten a Dinner and I’ve just made him sandwiches I’m breaking my heart. I have to tell him I know he still taking it!!!

I’m so scared of what he might do!!

OMG I feel sick can somebody give me a way out.

Why has my life turned out like this what have I done?

I need to take deep breaths and confront this demon

I’m so tired of fighting

Thank you for listening and sorry for rambling and still not doing what needs to be done xx

[themidgetgem]

Oh my lovely my heart breaks for you ! I know it’s hard I really do but it is not your fault it is his his choices !

You are strong and if you feel you want to support him and stay you do that . At the end if the day we love them and it makes it harder

I hope your okay but please remember none of this is your fault xxx

[navy]

Thank you lovely

I’ve asked him to get help for grieving as he says he is glum all the time!!!

I couldn’t face a row tonight. Even tho I’ve broken my heart yet again. He says not to go there!!!

He says he is suffering with agoraphobia ( he scared to leave the house on his own) does cocaine do this to you? I thought this give you a high? Made you feel better or is this part of the come down? I’m still trying to understand how this drug works. As he is never happy! I know when he has taken it as he is more talkative and walks around constantly, he also has a stupid grin that he pulls.

Then when I get home he says he not hungry and needs to sleep after all the stress of the day!! Then following day eats all day and sleeps.

Why can’t they see what they are doing to us and ask for help and not lie. I think if he told me the truth I will help him but I can’t do the lies. I think this is what is killing me that I know and he hadn’t open up to me.

I have to get the courage to tell him I know and he has to get help or I’m leaving. Every time I write that my heart pangs. It feels good to share

Take care lovely and I hope you have a good week with your boys xx

[themidgetgem]

Hi lovely

I’m drained . He keeps telling me he’s single and can do what he wants . Telling me to get out the house and find somewhere else to live .

I know he messaging other girls and is taking cocaine every day . I can’t cope I just wish he would leave and go live his drug life somewhere else .

I’m not a bad person I can’t understand why he is so nasty to me .

I really do think about just getting up and leaving but I’ve put so much money into my home why should he have it ?

But he’s ruining my life I want a man who treats me right that’s all I want

I hope you are okay , I just wish we could have a quick fix solution xxx

[navy]

Oh my lovely

I feel for you. It’s not fair is it. All the love and attention we have given to our homes and it’s us that have to leave if we want things to change.

Does he openly do the drugs in front of you?

I’m lucky in that I can leave and set up again I have great parents and family who can and I know will support me. I just need the Will power to do it.

I’ve made myself so Ill. I’m working and am exhausted with not sleeping and crying all the time.

I do wish he would admit to me that he still takes drugs and I would help him.

I’m not sure if I am going to go home tonight I’m thinking of messaging him to let him know that I know he still doing it and I can’t cope with the deceit. The trust has gone.

I wish you well and am thinking of you. If there’s a way of leaving and setting up again I would do it. You deserve so much better.

Take care xx

[themidgetgem]

No he dosent do it in front of me I’d kill him if he did .

It’s the lies the separate lives me wasting my life waiting for him to change .

I have the money to leave and start again but I refuse to give him and his horrid family the satisfaction of my money and hard work in that house . It’s so hard I just wish he would get arrested or something just for a few months sort himself out xx

[navy]

Hi sweetheart

I can’t believe what you are going through. It’s only him that can change he has to want to and by the sounds of it he doesn’t think there is anything wrong. He chooses to lead a single life in front of you.

I know you don’t want to leave the house you made together but it’s only bricks. The love of your home you can re-build your health and sanity are the important things.

Are you married to him?

Thinking of you, please look after yourself xx

[themidgetgem]

I’ve literally had enough of having my life on hold ….I’m 40 years old in December alls I do is work come back to this house that isn’t a home . Him living his single free life and me being so unhappy it hurts . I try to be strong and give the right advice to everyone else when inside I’m dying . I hate my life and he’s got me hating myself .I don’t have nowhere to go I have no family I don’t even have many close friends I can turn to it’s awful I just want a happy life it’s not much to ask … every one deserves happiness

[navy]

Oh lovely.

You need to look after yourself, your mental health is important. Do you have any hobbies or interest. You need to get out and live your life too. Forget him, he has chosen this life for himself.

You are a strong person, you definitely deserve happiness. Show him you can live your life without him, shock him by doing something different. Don’t just come from work, go out somewhere the park, a walk, a coffee shop take a book and read for a while.

How old are your boys?

Sending you lots of love and hugs Xx

[themidgetgem]

I know it’s only bricks . It’s the way he’s making me look so stupid . He tried it on with the neighbour took cocaine with her he still talks to her I just feel she’s laughing at me all the time . Feel like such a fool a mug . We are married and I am getting to the point we’re I do not like him at all I love him I always will but I cannot even stand the thought of touching him because of how much hurt he has caused me .

I’ve booked a few things just for me to try and start focusing on me and the boys but they are all grown up now .

I’ve been looking at houses elsewhere aswell . I do know it’s time to move on but it hurts I’ve been with him since I was 15 but he treats me like im a nothing and that everyone else around him is more important including the horrible neighbour

Thanks for listening to me rant xxx

[navy]

My lovely

You are not stupid and to outsiders you wouldn’t look like that. The friends you do have are probably just waiting for the time where you call it quits and they will be there for you.

Please concentrate on yourself look into going places after work. Something you enjoy.

Can your boys see what he is doing? Do they know?

I’m sure they will support you too.

One day at a time. Give yourself time to adjust it’s a big step. I’m proud of you saying that you are looking into things that you can do .

I’m here anytime.

I will keep checking in.

My thoughts love and hugs are being sent down this line.

Keep your chin up you deserve a happy life

Xxx

[thistim3]

Awful what you are going through. While you are trying to sort this out for yourself, know that you presently have many choices. Everyday. Small ones, big ones. The answers will come to you. What can you do about your finances that will provide you with some sense of security? (I put money aside that he didn’t have access to and no longer had his name on bank accounts or credit cards. Yes, we are married). When he says awful things to you – what can you do to help yourself not be affected by it at that moment? (I took our kids to the park, and went out to the show and saw a movie by myself that distracted me from what was happening with him). Make choices that help you feel better about yourself – not choices that you may regret latter. It took about 5 years until my husband confessed to using coke. I have never seen him do it. At that time he quit, just like that as I told him I would leave him. I had no resources, but I knew that I would figure out a way to get away from him – eventually. Just typing this makes me feel kind of sick. Decades later I am learning about the rest of it as we have recently started to talk about it. This drug turned my husband into a weirdo. It is heartbreaking, disturbing, and scary what happened all those years ago.

[themidgetgem]

It’s awful he doesn’t do it in front of me but I’ve never known a man whom needs to wee so much … it’s pathetic he dosent work hasn’t for years yet tells me to leave my home well it dosent even feel like home anymore . I’m next door to the women he tried it on with and they still talk I constantly feel like they are laughing at me . I’m a nurse a professional and I have to deal with all this at home . He tells me we are over and I should just move out and move on but how do I give up on the person I still love after 23 years together it breaks my heart . I have thought of hurting myself and it’s only my children and dog that keep me going . I just wish he could see what he is doing to me but cocaine completely ruins the brain any emotion

I’m going to have to be strong and either walk away with nothing but my dignity or get him to leave because this isn’t healthy

[navy]

Thank you

I’m trying to make the right choices for me. I know I have to look after myself, if he wants to do this nothing I do is going to stop him. I need to be strong.

I’ve known about this for 4 years and I’ve asked and he’s has denied. Until This year where we had the most awful row and I told him that I knew he was taking drugs he threw me out.

What made him confess to you?

How did he quit? Did he do this on his own or with professional help?

Did you help him?

What were his first days like? Is it as hard as they say, the withdrawal makes them sleepy, hungry, angry, moody. How do,you cope with that.

I’m asking as I’m hoping he is going to confess and get help.

I’m so glad your husband confessed and quit the drug and I wish you all the best for the future and thank you so much for posting.

Take care xx

[themidgetgem]

Thank you lovely ???? I’ve gone to work now and I’m in all weekend so won’t be in the house. He was awake when I left he told me he can do better than me and I need to get out the house . I’ve applied for two rented accommodation.

Can’t get much worse so things can only get better xxx

[navy]

Evening hun

Hope the shifts in work go well and keep your mind focused. I’m so sorry he has said this to you, I think he believes he can say this as he knows you won’t leave him. Can I ask do you do all the house work? Do you provide him with clean clothes? Etc. etc.

you need to look after yourself start doing things that you enjoy and try TRY not to think of him at all, your life is important, your health is important you have two boys who love you and need you around. Be strong

Remember the house you live in is a building it’s not a home that it used to be. You can have a home again and set up your life the way it should be. I know it’s hard 23 years is a long time.

Chat soon, take care lovely ???? xx

[themidgetgem]

So I’ve got in this evening house untidy I have had to move rubbish do dishes put a wash on etc … I’m back in work tomorrow on a 13 hour shift

He is sat there on his phone smirking claiming he’s messaging his nephew which we all know is a lie if only his girls he messaged knew exactly what he was like . He’s already been the bathroom 4 times in the last hour …. It’s draining

[navy]

Oh my love

Sorry to say but he is vile. I hate it when I come home from work and there’s dishes, bits of the floor, no washing done, and he says I’ve been working (from home,) I’ve been stressed, I can’t cope, he’s always unwell with something, headache, backache, sinuses, a cold. I believe these are all symptoms. He says this so he can be on his own, go to his room and use. This is because he is secretive, when I want to clean, I know he will go to the bathroom to remove his stuff and hide it, I’m so stupid (gullible) for letting this happen.

I think we have an addiction too, (them) they control how we feel, what we do and how we react, we need to kick this habit too. We need to clean ourselves up put us first and let nature take its course. Yes it will hurt, yes it will take time but we will be more healthy and happy in the long run. Remember your strong, do what’s right for you.

Good luck in your next shift, look after yourself. xx I’m here if yiu need to talk, rant or just get it off your chest xx

[navy]

Hi there themidgetgem

How are you? I’ve not heard from you in a long time. How are you doing?

I hope your well and looking after yourself.

Well since my last post, he never give it up, it’s come to me leaving the house and him promising that he is going to get help, he still hasn’t actually admitted that he has a problem tho.

He says he knows what he has to do.

I’ve told him that he needs to prove to me that he is getting help and when he has the craving to do something else take his mind off it, talk to me. He says he has flushed everything down the toilet and cleaned the bathroom and bedroom from it.

I have come home and cooked for him which he ate, but hasn’t come to spend any time with me, he says he has to spend today on his own and take tomorrow off work. He needs to work on himself.

I really do hope this is a wake up call that I won’t tolerate this behaviour anymore.

I’m hoping he goes into work Tuesday and gives me the day at home to clean properly and remove any residue of powder from the units inside and out.

Iam hoping and praying he really wants me and not the white powder and he has the strength and power to let me help him.

He has told me that the last couple of weeks have been hell when I told him I was leaving him unless he got help he said he was getting help and was doing ok until he looked at me and my face showed that I didnt care or love him. (This was because I knew he hadn’t given it up) he was Looking at me and my face showed disappointment not that I don’t care or love him.

He knows how much he has hurt me. I’ve told him I don’t trust him anymore and it’s going to take time and that I will ask questions that he has to answer truthfully to me.

Let me know how you are doing?

Sending love & hugs to everyone out there who are trying to understand and help their familiesloved ones. stay strong everyone xxx

[thistim3]

My story is in my old posts. After about 5 years of his different behaviors I opened a bank statement that came in the mail and immediately phoned the bank. The bank confirmed that my husband was responsible for all the withdrawals. I confronted him. It was so awful to hear him tell it. I stayed away from him, and he went to a counselor. He slept a lot and seemed even more miserable for many weeks later. Gradually everyday things got better. He has always said that ultimately he quit it on his own. Nobody really helped him do it. He has often said that there is no real secret to quit, you just do it and it is really hard as the cravings are so strong. He was scared then that I would really leave him and take our kids with me. Maybe just confessing to me about the coke helped him to quit it. I was so upset, I told his parents – nobody else. I was so scared that he would die then. His parents confronted him then, which I think helped him to stay off of it. Also, his counselor died of an overdose a few months later, which probably scared him as well to stay away from it.

[navy]

Hi there

I did try to look back as read lots of posts.

Thank you for relaying to me.

I confronted him on Thursday as I can’t go on. He walked away from me he hadn’t actually confessed to me but said he will look into what he needs to do.

He told me later he was suicidal and it says he had to get through the next 3 days as it’s a threat of me leaving

. I told him I will support him but he had to do this for himself. He sent me the link of ‘hopeless’ and cocaine detox.

I read all this to equip myself.

I went to work on Friday with his consent as he said he needed to do this.

I came home and he was ok (I found bits of white powder) I knew he had used. I’ve not said nothing. Im hoping this was his last.

Saturday he slept and ate all day and today is the same. His attitude is not nice but I’m coping. I’m hoping by the end of next week I will start to see the difference in him.

Did you talk about it? Did it help him and you? At the moment he won’t talk to me about it.

I’m praying he wants to give this up and be with me.

I think it’s going to be a hard week but I’ve been through so much I think I can do this for another week.

I’m so glad to read that you husband got through this

Lots of love and thank you again xx

[thistim3]

So long ago, but I don’t remember talking with him about it much. I was too scared. I was too scared to know what was happening with him. He told me that he loved me and that he would quit, I wanted to believe him, so I left him alone. I started attending NarAnon meetings every week for several years, enjoyed our children, prayed for us, and worked at different jobs. We never talked about it – for decades. Despite all of the horror of it, looking back, I have many happy memories. I love him, I love all the happy times we had after he quit. I remember these arguments we would have when he was on the coke and I would think then that I don’t want to argue with him. What can I do, so that we don’t argue about whatever it was ever again. And I would make another decision, then we wouldn’t have that argument anymore. There is many choices that you can make. It’s not just stay or leave him/her. A NarAnon saying is ‘One Day At A Time’, but sometimes it really is ‘One Moment At A Time’.

[themidgetgem]

Hi my lovely

My life has fallen apart . My husband has told me he dosent want me anymore . He is talking to other women he disrespects me too much .

I started divorce proceedings yesterday as I cannot take the way he treats me anymore . I’ve wasted the last two years of my life chasing after and trying to fix someone whom does not want to be helped and has no respect for me . He does not love me and never has any chance of changing himself and trying to fix our marriage.

I’m not leaving the home yet though I’m saving up then I’m buying something. He can live in his lifestyle he can be single and he can leave me and my boys alone . He is toxic and I wish I had never met him . I feel I have wasted the last 23 years of my life and that it has all been a waste of time and a massive lie

I’m glad your getting a result . But sometimes I just think there is no hope , I’ve been trying for two years and had nothing but abuse loneliness and disrespect

Sending you lots of love xxxx

[navy]

Oh my love

My heart goes out to you.

He really is an awful person.

I’m so sorry for the pain & suffering you have gone through.

I hope you have a good solicitor he needs to get out not you.

Make sure you get what’s yours

You deserve a happy life going forward put your energy into you and your boys.

I’m here if you need a chat or vent

I will check in.

I’m taking a day at a time. It’s been a good day but I think it’s only the start as long as he stays truthful to me and we keep the dialogue open both ways then fingers crossed it will work out. I’m holding onto that.

Lots of love. Take care xx

[directionless]

Themidgetgem, I read your story here and it sounded so similar to my situation right now.

My husband, who is apparently sober now, told me he didn’t want me anymore and I then found out he had been sending flirtatious messages to someone else. We have been together nearly 20 years and I cannot believe the things I did out of love for him all that time, including keeping his alcoholism a secret for many years and then eventually helping him get into recovery. I now wonder if he really is sober, hiding that he’s been drinking again or ‘white-knuckling’ it. It definitely doesn’t seem like the actions of a normal human being.

I am deeply hurt by his actions but I know I don’t deserve the massive disrespect he has shown me by hiding how he felt, not communicating with me and going behind my back. I’m just scared of being on my own now having been together so long – and that’s without any kids involved, so I can’t imagine how it must be for you. You are a strong person and you deserve happiness.

[themidgetgem]

Thank you lovely ????,

I’m sure I’ll be fine I’m just heartbroken he was my soulmate .

Take each day as it comes baby steps

Lots of love to you too xxx

[navy]

Hello lovely

I know your heart is broken just remember you have done everything you could

He is an ass***e.

I’m so gutted for you but remember your the good one, your the lovely caring person.

Tahr care and now get on with your life the best life you can live without him. You can do this I believe in you.

Look after yourself

Take care

Thinking of you xx

[themidgetgem]

Hi

I’m doing okay just plodding on . I’ve started back running to help clear my mind it’s hard it really is . He knows about the divorce and clearly isn’t bothered . He is still messaging girls and adding random people on Facebook, it’s so childish he’s 40 years old and is acting like a teenager. But I’m not wasting another second of my life , life is too short and we need to live it. I’m focusing on me and my boys .

I hope your okay

Lots of love xxx

[navy]

Hi there themidgetgem

How are you? how are things going? Hope your still running and you are getting on with your life. I’ve been thinking of you.

I’m still struggling, I know he had taken the drug last night and he is avoiding me all today he says he tired, he’s anxious and worried, I asked him What was worrying him and he said letting me down yet again not having a weekend together. He says he needs to survive the next 19 days and then Once we are away things will change and he will be ok.!!!!!!!

He still hasn’t opened up to me that he is still using. This was supposed to be 3 weeks off it. I’ve not said anything as Iam trying so hard to leave him be, but I’m making myself unwell, I’m having pains in my chest and feeling sick.

I’m so scared and nervous how he is going to be as I don’t know when he is going to take his last use. Also I don’t know if the drug will show up on him when going though security.

I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing?

Take care, sending you lots of love

Navy xx

[themidgetgem]

Hi love

I’m okay I’m just plodding on . He told me the other day he hates me wishes I was dead so hurry up and die , I was so upset .

I just feel in limbo I know I should move on but I feel guilty like I’m cheating or something despite him saying we are no longer together.

He still takes cocaine every day it’s pathetic I hate drugs and the way they have consumed my husband changing him into an awful human being

He is still messaging girls and god knows what else I give in . I’m just focusing on me and my boys . He said he’s going back to work in September so hopefully that makes him have a better outset to life.

I’m going to Iceland in November on my own it’s a birthday present I bought him

I really hope you get your happiness and have a nice time away

Sending lots of love xxxx

[navy]

Oh themidgetgem

I feel for you.

Why are you still there, that man is no longer your husband, that drug has over taken him big time, he can’t say things like that, it’s awful. Your too kind a person.

You need to live your life your way, it’s not cheating your not seeing anyone just living your life with your boys, keep going out, keep that exercise up and getting good endorphins through your body, you deserve to be happy.

Bo**cks to him. I hope your not cooking for him or cleaning up his mess!!!

I hope he does start working and it gives him the kick start of being a decent human being!!

Count down those days for that wonderful holiday, peaceful time away.

Stay strong ???? live your life the best you can

Thinking of you

Lots of love

Navy xx

[themidgetgem]

Hi navy ,

Thank you for your kind words . To be honest I’m heartbroken that he can do all these bad things to me and say all these nasty things . It’s awful . I cry most days I don’t sleep .

He’s not the man I fell in love with. He’s changed I’m grieving the man he once was

I hate drugs they have ruined my life my family everything .

I hope your okay

Sending lots of love xxxx

[navy]

Hi lovely

I know your heart broken, as you say he is not the man you fell in love with, he has gone, his body is here his but is brain is not. You must think of yourself and your boys, pick yourself up for their sake, you deserve happiness in your life.

I’m hoping and praying for you that the day comes when he realises want he has lost.

Be strong my lovely

You got this. ????????

Lots of love

Navy xx

[themidgetgem]

Hi navy

Thank you ???? I’m trying to be strong . I know I deserve better but he puts me down making me feel it’s all my fault

I’ve no where to go otherwise if just leave but renting private is so expensive I can’t afford

I cry everyday it’s like living in hell with no way out

Sending lots of love

Fingers crossed I get my freedom xxx

[navy]

Hi themidgetgem

How are you? Hope your doing well and things are levelling out for you.

I’m exhausted

I know that he used on Thursday & Friday and we were supposed to spend the day together Saturday and he wanted me to go out,he needs to work.

I cried but got ready and left. He slept all day did nothing. I got home tried to watch tv with him but he slept and when awake ate!!!

He then said he needs to go to up it’s only 7.45!!! We rowed I just wanted to spend time together!

I wrote him note this morning to say I’m ironing then will go out,out of the way.

he got up came down and then accused me of having a affair!! That I wanted not to be there today that I was meeting someone!!

All not true even tho he is pushing me away!

I’ve been waiting to talk with him he says he doesn’t want a a D&M

FFS he has to talk to me.

I think I live with a stranger!!

Thanks for listening.

Take care, thinking of you xx

[navy]

Oh my lovely

I do hope you get your freedom soon.

Every time he tries to put you down, count to 5 walk away and remind yourself you are the sane person, you have not changed he is the bad guy, the man possessed with an evil drug.

Yes cry get it out but not in front of him. Be strong like the woman you are.

Thinking of you and sending good wishes to you.

Just take care of yourself and your boys.

navy xx

[themidgetgem]

Hi lovely

It’s awful , my world is falling apart . He hates me he has been slagging me off all day yesterday to his parents saying he wants me out for Christmas so he can spend it with his family . He uses everyday and is messaging girls and adding them on Facebook.

He really hates me and it’s so sad because I love him so much

I hope one day we will both get our happiness.

Keep strong !!

Sending lots of love

Xxxx

[navy]

Oh my goodness

He really is vile,you must be so upset. Remember your the sane one he is then unreasonable one.

Does his family know that he uses?

Im so sad for you. I wish I could give you big hug. Try to stay strings d positive. There is a life out there for you. He will miss you when your gone.

Stay true to you.

Lots of love ????

Navy xx

[Author]

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