[b8988]

Ok so I’ve done research on various sites, I now know it’s an addiction not a choice. Etc. But what I want to know is does the drug (coke) make you that selfish that you don’t know what you’re doing?

So my husband has been an addict for 5 years, but hid it from me for 4. I’ve stopped going mad at him now I know it’s not a choice when he relapsed etc, but what still infuriated me is how little regard he has for not using in our house with our kids in it. I’ve threatened him time and time again! I’ve said if he has to use he should go out to use or even in the garage, (although I don’t want him using at all) but despite everything he still will bring it in the house and use! I feel that I’m trying to be supportive and try to put things in place so even if he does relapse at least I’ve got some sense of safety for my kids. He’s sworn on my kids lives he hasn’t got any on him and says I can check him etc, I then don’t, as I think he must be telling the truth if he’s prepared for me to search him, then I’ll hear him sniffing in the bathroom or I find evidence and when confronted he will admit it then say sorry! It literally drives me mad!!!

When he comes down a few days after, he thinks it’s horrendous and is sorry and says he doesn’t want me to put stuff in place like he has to go out to use as in the garage, as he shouldn’t be doing it at all, it’s not right.

Part of me thinks he must like the buzz from doing it behind my back as when I suggested plans for using he refuses!

[sae1996]

Unfortunately, they have no control over it. The first step of the 12 step programme is the admit that you’re powerless and your life has become unmanageable – which it certainly has.

I feel the same as you, how you can be supportive when you’re being lied to or deceived. You’re trying to be the good person but you’re getting all the backlash from it too.

It’s a vicious cycle. Has he ever looked into getting help for this?

[b8988]

I’ve sent him away to live with his mum 3 hours away. He’s attending daily n.a meetings as there are more down there then where we live. But I keep having him back, throwing him out etc etc. It never ends.

I’m sad this time though as he got clean for 6 months in the summer when I sent him away then, he said missing me and the kids was more of a focus than the drugs. However he didn’t seek help, just kept busy and went to the gym so as soon as he come back and seen it for the first time his brain was straight back to “2 lines will be ok” way of thinking. He says your brain tricks you! I can’t accept that he doesn’t think of me or the kids before he’s about to reuse. Like surely you’d have one bit saying “ no not a good idea” and the other bit tricking you. But he says he doesn’t think of anything but having coke. So how can he ever stop?

[sae1996]

I completely agree! My boyfriend was sober for 7 and a half months and then randomly relapsed and said it was a one off and he went to meetings again and I was hopeful but still gutted. Since then he has relapsed every month and I’m finding it hard to cope.

The thought of I don’t understand why he won’t stop for me or think about me etc. in your position you and your children is hard but an addict will not think about that. He is right, the brain does trick you because it is an illness and its disgusting and makes my blood boil.

The fact that he did get sober is a good thing and it hopeful he can do it – that is what I’m holding on to right now and I’m only 22.

All we can do is be supportive which is SO hard because when I try to be supportive and be there I get pushed away because I’m being annoying or I need to stop going on because it doesn’t help but neither does ignoring it and brushing it under the carpet.

For him to ever stop, is because he needs to want to which is very hard to understand when we feel it should be so easy. 🙁

[b8988]

Yes it’s vile isn’t it? Off drugs my husband is the most amazing man you’ll meet, everyone adores him that’s why his behaviour is so bizarre.

It’s caused so many problems in our relationship. They say to set boundaries and stick to them but you know by doing this it will make them behave worse. If I threaten divorce now my husband has started telling other women that they are attractive etc. He says it’s because he feels like a scum bag and I’m always threatening to leave him, so these are all quick fixes in order to make himself feel better. He claims 100% that he loves me and wants to be with me and never has intentions of moving on, but then thinks “go away!” too I think, he sees me as a nag when he’s using.

I just keep making allowances because he’s on drugs, as he’d 100% never do these things sober. But where do you draw the line? He’s stolen my brother in laws car and damaged it, along with his dads, both intoxicated to pick up drugs. I mean he could have killed someone. He’s almost at times out of control, he says when he took his dads car it was almost like a cry for help, like he wanted someone to stop him so he could get help!

On different days, he’s different people, I swear! If he ever did cheat or leave me and go off with anyone else, I’d be gone for good. I’d never have him back after that!

[sae1996]

My boyfriend is the same, he’s the nicest person, so caring, down to earth – EVERYTHING. But once he’s taken something boom, he is different.

I also make allowances too because I know this isn’t him, but we need self respect too. Everyones story is different but it’s crazy how we can all relate and have the same feelings.

I hate it and wish it would just go away but it’s not going to be a miracle. This is the worst thing I’ve ever gone through and probably ever will.

I feel so strongly about your last sentence as I am the same. Horrible how this drug is controlling them but is also controlling us. 🙁

[danman83]

Im ashamed to admit thats were i did most of my using. I hate myself for doing it. Ive imagined my gf doing it on her own down stairs while im in bed. Id be embarrassed. But recently we went out alot over xmas and thats when i decided i cant do it anymore.

I use sit down stairs on my own crying on a come down. Texting my mum for help. And i use check the floor for bits of coke in case it came in contact with kids. Its discusting what i was doing. Been 22 days now. And i dont want to touch that stuff again. Ive even come off facebook. That dont help being on there. Seeing everyone happy with there fake lifes, well some, and it annoys you. Well it did me haa

[b8988]

Yes I come off Facebook when I had a massive rant and decided to out my husband as a cocaine addict who was out of control and needed stopping. I’m ashamed I did that now, but I did it out of desperation as he went really off the rails last year. He went round telling everyone how I was an abusive wife as to why he’d left me, when in reality I’d thrown him out when he was caught using coke in our house the night I found out I was pregnant. I blame hormones. That was before I knew it was an illness and I thought he was choosing to do this.

Danman83- what makes you keep using in the house even when you know it’s wrong? Does something just come over your brain? Or at that time doesn’t it seem wrong? Sorry just I like asking a user like you directly, I find my husband probably through Shame doesn’t like talking about everything in detail.

[b8988]

SAE1996- people who don’t know my husband well, tell me to leave him and ask what I see in him, but he’s the nicest person ever predrugs.

I’m just so sad that this happened to him and us, I had the perfect life before this. Now even if he does get clean he’s done so much stuff to me and others I don’t see how we can ever get over it all.

[sae1996]

I feel the same.

Me and my boyfriend have been together since we were 14, and I honestly could not be without him and I know he feels the same.

I felt like that too, when he went to rehab we drew a line under everything. I may of not got all the answers I wanted or felt I needed to know but I had the mindset of this is my new life and he is on track and things were amazing.

Now we’ve had a few bumps in the road, all the questions and feelings have come back. I have so many questions I want to ask him but I feel I can’t – it makes me so paranoid.

[danman83]

Mine was drinking beer in the house.. next min i could get it dropped off in 5 min. So i dont drink in the house. In fact ive quit drinking now till turkey in july. Then i wont have it again when im back.

Ill tell you how it works from that louise clarke. Scientifically… might be long this lol.

We have a part in our brain called HYPTHALAMUS.. it governs all our drives, that is drive to eat drink and have sex. It also tells us when to stop wanting things. When we have had enough.

But cocaine goes to this bit and adds itself to the needs.. the other needs are natural, coke is not!but nature did not anticipate the arrival of coke… so there is no creation part for stop! Hence why we keep having more..

Another way of looking at it. The minute you take coke for the 1st time.. u have planted a seed! Each time you take coke, your watering it, it becomes a tree, suffocating your brain were your self esteem is getting crushed.

How do you fix it? Kill the tree.. stop watering it! Dont take any more. Your self esteem grows bigger, and then its back to a seed. But the seed will always be there. Usually 2 year mark is the best to be away from it permanently.

But the seed will always be there.

Sorry for going on lol

[hox]

My husband hated the thought of using at home. He would always go to his ‘mates’. homes. Even though they have children. He was actually embarrassed at the thought of me seeing him do it, said it was disgusting. That was this time last year.

[b8988]

Danman83- I did watch a bit of one of those videos but not properly, I googled it after you put it on here the other day.

You seem really pro active looking at ways to stop etc. Maybe that’s because you’ve hit you rock bottom? I always wonder what my husbands will be. No matter all the negative things that have happened to him nothing seems to work. Well I won’t know unless he gets fully clean, Then I can look back and pinpoint it. If we ever get to that point. I keep thinking “ no one can take coke forever, can they? One day something will give” imagine drawing your pension and still sniffing! 😉 lol

[b8988]

Hox- I’ve never seen my husband do it as such, he locks the bathroom door. And never admits he’s doing it. But it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know what he’s up to though.

Last year he dropped loads over my bedroom carpet, I didn’t discover it until he’d gone back to stay at his dads. Big lumps, I wasn’t sure what it was at first, but I smelt it and it was horrible like a paint sort of smell. He later admitted it, so now if he’s used I can smell it on him. Weird! But I’ve got a good nose! Lol

[hox]

I’ve never seen him do it. I’m wondering if he does it in the bathroom as he does close the door nowadays. Sorry 😉

[bluebell]

I feel for all of us. I tried to,answer on the other thread but i’m having tach problems. Normally I would ask my ex to sort out as he lives up the road but then he would see what I am writing! Haha! That does amuse me!

Well I am half divorced. He wants to divorce me (so he says) as I nag him and am too controlling. Apparently wondering where your husband is after a 24 hour bender is overreacting. I got my decree Nisi on unreasonable behaviour quicker than any other case my solicitor had dealt with, but then again he did treat me badly. Not a day goes by when I do not miss my best friend and soulmate.

I think he has no desire to change. He doesn’t seem to miss me and the kids. He is actually a better dad just seeing them every fortnight. Both my boys say it is a lot calmer now. My ex has no desire to change but seems to spy on my every move, even knew what time I went to bed on Saturday night! I think he was driving back to his flat after scoring something or other…

[b8988]

Bluebell- my husband does this too, before drugs he was devoted to me, he was my best friend. He used to shower me with love.

When we fight and he’s vile, he still stalks me, like searches for me and tells me if I ever go with anyone else he’ll never get back with me even after he’s got clean. It’s all manipulation.

He’s put feelers out to try and move on himself though. But his is justified because in his head drugs have corrupted his brain and makes him think everything is my fault and he doesn’t know if he loves me at times as he doesn’t even love himself. But he knows he loves me really! Haha what a messed up situation. I agree it’s like their minds have been hijacked. Nothing makes sense and we are on this rollercoaster every step of the way!

[bluebell]

Gosh! It really does seem we are living parallel lives! I have had I love you but not in love with you, what is love anyway stupid conversations. He told me he asked to come back after the first time he left (after accusing me of having an affair which for all the flack I received sincerely wish I had) because 1. For the boys 2. Because he was coming down from taking cocaine the night before (I did not know this!) 3. Because he couldn’t bare the thought of anybody else sleeping with me. (Which is actually odd considering he accused me of an affair which I never had, in fact hadn’t seen the person for 18 months! So surely in his head I already had?)

When he left me the second time he said I was too controlling as I said I wasn’t putting up with all night benders when I had no idea where he was (somewhere in London) who he was withor what he was doing. I then kicked him out. He then treated me like I was some kind of bitch to me, I even had his enabling in denial mother shrieking down the phone at me accusing me of being selfish! I have to laugh at the irony of it. At least his dad and step mum have been great. But I even got accused of turning his dad against him! So everything is my fault and he didn’t live the life he wanted (to be a musician) and it’s all my fault. The funny thing again there, is that despite saying he is now following his dreams and going to be a DJ and musician (he’s 40) in the past 6 months I have written and finished 3 new songs by myself and he has written…..none. But he has a book with lots of ideas apparently.

I wonder how all this will pan out? You have to take each day at a time or they will send us looney tunes!

[bluebell]

I still think Georgia is right about him just wanting to manipulate me when he says that we should spend more time together. I’m very dubious about his motives. We both want the financial order. Me so I know I won’t be repossessed (so long as I get another job) and I am paying him off with enough money to clear his debts. …. I have a good idea what might happen to that ????????. But I think in his head after I get the financial order and he gets his money. I think he thinks he might come back! He is so confident of my love that he really thinks it I know it. Even just 2 months ago I would also have clung on to that hope but today something has changed and I think it is because I have been on here, but I don’t think my ex is showing any signs of wanting to stop. Living up the road from me, seeing his kids but not doing the hard day to day stuff. Not being any worse off financially for living separately due to paying me the mini,um, I think he’s laughing at me! I think my lovely soulmate is just a ghost and I don’t think he is ever coming back. And o don’t need a friend like the person he has become ad he shows absolutely no remorse or kindness towards me or our boys. I wish he showed me some hope like with your husband and Adam and Danman who all seem to be trying and genuinely care about their families. No mine is still firm

Y in arsehole mode.

[b8988]

Bluebell- Oh hun it’s awful it really is. He must still be deep in the cycle because the way I look at it, my normal husband would want to be with me and the kids more than anything, I think they know when it’s becoming “me or the drugs” that’s when they make attempts at moving on by themselves. As the drugs will always come first.

My husband around Christmas time when he had his relapse suggested moving into a flat to sort himself out, but I told him that was ok but if that was to happen he would be going there being single, he was horrified and said I was suggesting that because I want to be single and want to start seeing other men. The reason I don’t want him in a flat is because he will have the best of both worlds, keeping me hanging on by not allowing me to ever meet anyone else, whilst him having a flat in which he can take all the drugs he likes in. Plus he will get to see his kids through the week and on weekends and do all the fun stuff with them without all the daily stuff.

I too get dubious about my husbands actions, I never know if he is being nice because he wants to try hard and sort himself out, or because he thinks “oh she’ll have me back” then carry on the same as before. Because they lie so much you just never know.

I think if we divided up the money we have in the house, he got his own flat for a while, I could see what his intentions are, but then I think drugs aren’t a choice. So the pull of the drug may make him spend all the money on more drugs and stay away from me, but if he wasn’t on drugs he wouldn’t want to live away from me and the kids, so it’s a tough one.

If I was you I’d move on, in your head you can tell yourself “if one day he gets clean, fully clean then there is a chance you could both be together” but you’d be able to tell if had stopped using, as he’d eventually go back to being your lovely husband and make effort etc. If he doesn’t then you haven’t lost anything have you.

As in dating other men, I know you probably don’t want to, I know I’m the same, when you love someone else it’s hard. But maybe stick with it for a bit, loads of relationships start off where you’re not feeling it, then maybe something might click. If your husband has been with other women since you’ve split, don’t let him manipulate you into not sleeping with anyone else. If he had sorted his crap out that wouldn’t happen would it?

I couldn’t be friends with my husband if we split because I love him too much, I’d have to cut all contact. Being friends with someone you love and watching them self destruct and have relationships with other women would kill me. However I find I’m more pro active if I’m angry with him, so keep reminding yourself of what he’s done to you, and that your worth more than the way he’s treated you. Understand that all of it is down to drugs but it’s still no way to live or be treated.

I wish you all the best.

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

Am sorry to read your post and to see how hard this is for you. It is difficult to remain supportive I know and it might be that you would like some support for yourself.

The Icarus Trust is a charity that provides support for people in the same kind of situation as you, that are dealing with a partner or family member’s addiction. We have trained and experienced people you could talk with. They would understand how you are feeling and maybe help you to make sense of it all.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck with everything.

[bluebell]

Thank you Icarus Trust. I did actually send an e-mail to you via your website yesterday but haven’t heard back yet. I do feel I am the one going mad!

Thank you also B8998, very wise words and I know that I have to move on I really do, but I just really miss my old husband. But this old husband existed 7 years ago, that’s when he started using, although I didn’t know until August 2017 when he had his psychotic meltown. He was spending on average £500-700 a month on cocaine towards the end, is that a lot or is that like normal addiction amounts, I seriously have no idea! He then of course has to buy weed to bring himself back down but he smoked that before anyway.

I don’t know what to do any more. He picked the boys up this evening and saw I had some flatpack to assemble and asked if I wanted him to help and then promptly gave me his share of the money to send our financial order off! But I do want that order so happy with that. Not happy having this weird courteous relationship though. 19 years together 12 of them being absolutely in love. He used to write me love letters and write songs about me. He still did towards the end, but they weren’t very complimentary! Lol!

He just dropped them off and was weird. It’s all weird and i’m sad and fed up with it all. I sometimes think how nice it would be to bump my head and totally forget all my memories of him but somehow remember everything else.

[b8988]

Our lives are quite similar, I didn’t know either, my husband kept it secret for 5 years on and off. He got hooked on prescription drugs in the middle too for s back problem so I thought his behaviour was down to that and I thought he had bi polar or something.

It’s so hard to let go! I give good advise but I rarely listen to my own. As you say it’s hard when someone was so perfect for many years then they act totally abnoxious and not themselves. You are just wishing that you could shake sense into them. If only! I think we live in fantasy land too, as we wish everything could go back to pre drug days but it will never be like that now, even if they do get clean, things they’ve done or said can maybe be forgiven but never forgot! I keep thinking how many times do I allow this to keep happening before I decide I can’t take anymore? I think not only is he wasting his life but I’m allowing him to waste mine. We don’t know how many years we have left on this earth and do we want to spend our days waiting for someone to sort their sh*t out? I don’t know! X

[bluebell]

You are so right! It can’t ever be the same again. For one I know I will never ever trust him again. He lived a double life, a really decadent one when he was in the City. I only know this because when he had to disclose his finances I saw all these bar bills. He never took me out. He told me we had no money but was spending it all on himself not even on his children. If I truly peel myself away from who I am, float up and look down objectively and look at how he has treated me, I know it would be obvious to me that this man is not the person I loved and that his behaviour is so disgraceful and disrespectful that I should be walking away without a second look.

He said last week that we needed to spend more time together but that is because he doesn’t want me but doesn’t want anyone else to have me either. I am contemplating telling him that we cannot be “friends” that I don’t want anything to do with him and that I am going to start going on dates. This set up is too convenient for him. He’s having his cake and eating it. It’s hard as we have kids and we are stuck with contact for at least the next 7 years. I don’t think he thinks he has lost anything! Apart from his relationship with me, which clearly he doesn’t value anyway. I think I need to be a bit harsher with him, he hasn’t treated me well at all and I don’t want to be friends with this person, I wanted to be the soulmate of the one that died 7 years ago. I really am in love with a ghost.

At least your husband still cares about you and wants to change. Mine has been so unkind to me. I do sometimes wonder whether it is all the drugs or whether there was a mean streak in him all along. xx

[b8988]

I don’t know bluebell, I think the same as you. I question if it is all the drugs when he acts awfully or like you say is that a personality trait that’s there anyway and the drugs just emphasise it?

My husband tried to meet other women when I threw him out in Feb he messaged loads of random women on fb and even met up with one of them for coffee. Nothing happened mainly on her behalf as he was off his face when he met her and she knew. That knocked me for six as my husband is the most loyal man and has never been one for women really. That stemmed from me threatening to be single etc and we hadn’t been getting on for months. When he came down off the drugs he said at the time he didn’t think he wanted to be with me anymore as I was abusive (because I didn’t want drugs in my house with my kids) I threw him out. He spent the week hating me. I believe if that women liked him he could have easily gone off with her and turned his back on me and his kids. He has admitted now that he could of but it would have only been all fuelled with drugs and it wouldn’t have lasted because when he comes down he knows he loves me and the kids so much, he just can’t stop the drugs though, so he knew with me he can’t have his drugs too and at the time drugs were number 1.

He did the same at Christmas, I think he’s started putting feelers out to move on because he knows the drugs are taking over again. I don’t think he’d cheat, but because I throw him out so much and threaten divorce every time he uses he knows the marriage is doomed! I can honestly say that if he ever reuses again I think he could leave me! He will end up trying to get with someone who doesn’t realise he’s an actual addict and probably thinks it’s recreational, which terrifies me. As I love him to death. But I think we should remind ourselves that it’s not them, it’s what the drug has done, I know my real husband loves me to pieces, he would never do these awful things he keeps doing. But that doesn’t mean I can put up with his use anyway.

Even if he does move on, the new gf will be in the same position I’ve been in with him and unless she’s a user herself she won’t put up with it. No money, being accused of having affairs, being lazy and generally moody and distant etc.

I think what terrifies us more is in case they move on with someone new and quit drugs and the new women get our old men back, the ones who were amazing! But in reality if they aren’t willing to change for their wives and the mothers of their kids they ain’t gonna change for some other random woman are they?

[cally1001]

Hi All

I am in the same position of most of you guys.

Been with husband for 12 years married 2.5

Found out in Dec 17 he had been taking cocaine daily /crack on occasions.

3 months is hell on earth and he came back home full of promises but never stopped notthat I knew.

Told me the house we had worked so hard to get and do up was a trigger and I believed him and we sold 50k profit which he has half of (well what he will have left)

He left ME in Nov saying all what you have said, love but not in love, I am abusive, controlling, he was never happy etc.

Seen him few times Nov and Dec but after many rows he came xmas eve and said he had hurt his FAMILY to much and his job was important (after losing 2) and he wanted a divorce and walked out, he left me say there in stunned silence, all Xmas I sat on my own till 2 nd Jan!

He had txt to say he has changed and not a nice person and if I want a future divorce him.

The last 2 months I have believed it was all my fault and though if all the what I could have, should have said etc.

The man I married is dead he doesn’t exist!

He was using 100+ a day and the last time he was here he had a psychotic episode saying the devil was after him etc, he had never done it in front of me but this time he was too far gone!

We dint have kids which is a blessing although that was the plan when we got married as he is 42 and I am 40 so 2 years ago after getting our careers etc that was our plan but he chose drugs!!

After speaking to his sister he was an addict in his 20’s(someone could have told me!!) so him saying he was unhappy is a load of bull as he was already an addict and this was always going to happen.

Since he has gone I have found out he has done it all along for the 12 years but everyday for the last 2 years, also found dating sites on laptop all the usual which seems we have all been through.

This guy was as perfect as could be, a gentleman etc and respectful so I am mourning the loss of my husband, if he had died it would be final but this situation is horrendous!

I agree I worry he will meet someone else and they will get the good guy and he will believe he is happy but it will happy again and again.

I move into a new house next week me and the dog, he is god knows where as he has completely shut me out and disappeared.

Day by day that’s what I am doing.

He said for me to get a divorce, that convenient I have to pay for it so he gets to keep his money for his coke!

He can do it and I don’t care what reasons he gives as long as he pays for it.

Sorry for the rant????

[b8988]

Oh I’m sorry to hear that you’ve gone through all this crap too! My husband never touched anything for 11 years, he was perfect. He stupidly tried coke once when drunk in his 30’s, loved it then got hooked.

I don’t really know what else to say, except whilst they are deep in their addiction it doesn’t matter what you say or do or could have said or done – none of that matters at it won’t fix him! A fellow addict on here was helpful explaining that coke makes you horrible, it turns your heart to stone, you care less and less the more of the drug you use. I’m not sure if you and your husband have had arguments about his behaviour or drug use? Me and my husband did on lots of occasions, our relationship turned toxic, that was his reason for trying to move on with other women. In their head all their behaviour is justified because of what WE have done to them. They are delusional and it’s important to remember that whilst they are in that delusion, they will always make excuses for their behaviour. It deflects blame away from them so that they don’t have to tackle their addiction, whether that is through choice or not.

I attended a al,anon group tonight. I don’t understand how the 12 steps will help me, but I’m willing to try anything to build myself up so that my husbands actions stop impacting me.

[bluebell]

B9898, it’s such a hard one isn’t it! This issue about women really upsets me too and I have exactly the same fear that he will move on find someone else and change for them, but the reality is that unless they are a user as well I think he may struggle! I have begun to worry that my ex is putting feelers out too! I don’t get his behaviour at all!

He took me to pick my car up from the garage at 4.30 this evening. We talked about our son for most of the drive and then I asked how his non smoking was going. He said badly, he also said he was still doing weed but then point blank calmly denied using any cocaine since his birthday!!! What a crock of shit! He went to Amsterdam for New Years Eve and has been to a few raves and Christmas parties where everyone was doing it! I don’t see how someone who had a £700 a month addiction can give it up cold turkey! Plus his behaviour around my kids (sleeping all day Sunday whilst he had contact with his boys!) says otherwise! I really pulled his chain and said he was a miracle and that he should write a book and share his wisdom with other addicts as I had never heard of someone giving it up without rehab!

Calmly, I am so so sorry this has happened to you! I and B9898 have had exactly the same although our husbands don’t appear to love us at all. I know what you are going through that utter pain and disbelief in the loss of your best friend and soulmate. It is the worst drug for sure for changing the personality. If it helps, I have read a lot of medical papers on the effect of cocaine on the brain and it changes then by blocking the dopamine receptors. That’s where you get the normal fuzzy loving feelings from when you get a kiss from someone you love or a hug.They aren’t lying when they say they are not in love with us, they’re not in love with anyone other than Mistress Charlie!

Oh my son’s poorly I will write again in a bit! xx

[bluebell]

Ok, he’s settled now.

Cally, have you not heard from him at all? That is weird after being together for so long. I can’t help but notice our husbands all appear to also be at midlife fe crisis age! I’m actually older than my husband but look much younger than him. He never took me out because he said men looked at me all the time, he has admitted to being very jealous. My ex is weird because he gets really angry at me and says of course he fancies me and that has nothing to do with it. He also said he was intimidated by me which made me feel like a real geezer bird but I think he meant because I am quite extrovert whereas without coke he is completely introverted.

Tonight he said he would clean the fish tank, sort my printer and music software and also build my new flat pack tv unit. I find it really confusing that he says these things. We are getting divorced and it doesn’t feel normal to act like that. He gives very mixed messages.

He was out tonight and tried to play it down but he was driving and it is impossible for him to go out without drinking or drugs. He’ll drive over the limit on something for sure, but again it made me laugh as he said “for a bit” haha! Bit of what…?

Cally, I really do feel for you as it is early stages for you. This has been going on for me for 18 months and at 3 months I was a stone lighter stairing into space and crying at work!

Do you have support nearby you? I’m worried for you as without my friends and family I think I would have had a nervous breakdown!

B9889 do you not think the al anon very helpful then? I’ve read up on the 12 steps. I’m definitely on board with the powerlessness bit! xx

[b8988]

As it was my first meeting it just seemed a bit overwhelming and a lot to take in. All of the other members said it helps massively but it’s certainly not a quick fix, it takes time to learn the steps and begin to practice them. They said that eventually you can learn to detach and realise that you can’t control anyone else’s actions only your own and nor should you want to….. that’s the bit I struggle with, lol I want to control him into coming to his senses. But I guess it will be a working progress and I do need help from somewhere, I’m desperate! I burst out crying in there tonight, mainly because it was a massive release! But I felt like a idiot! All the other women seemed to have it so all together. I hope I will eventually be like that.

I kept thinking if I wasn’t with my husband anymore non of these problems would be in my life, I wouldn’t need to be attending 12 step meetings to fix myself. But I think the damage is already done and the emotional termoil we’ve been through I think we need all the help we can get xx

[cally1001]

Hi

No not heard anything for a few weeks now, absolutely nothing!

He has just dissapeard of the face of the earth, got a new flat, loads of money in his pocket, still got his job etc!

He has left with just his clothes no photographs no memories nothing, just feels like he has moved on without a thought for anyone but himself.

The rows were horrendous before he left so i take part blame for that, i had turned into a spy, checking phones, emails, pockets etc and he said he could not handle that and I should trust him (all the while he was still using)

He had a secret phone which i found full of drug dealers numbers etc and messages to and from them for pickups etc.

He says he has been uphappy for years yet we got married in Aug 2016!! Why marry someone if you are so unhappy with them I just dont understand it, then start to take even more cocaine once married.

I think he got in so deep he knew that he had to leave.

I take some comfort in thinking this he knew he could never do it and still have me.

Towards the end when he admitted he was using again he actually came home off his head (i had never seen this before as his binges would happen away from the house) and it was an eye opener, the come down included him on the couch half asleep screaming the devil was there in so much pain with his nose he was trying to pull it off (quite funny when you think about it NOT!) he was constantly blowing his nose so when he eventually went into a 2 day coma after bottles of gin and whatever else he could drink i looked in the tissue, it was bit of his nose! i took it to the Dr’s and they said it looked like the padding in his nose and he should go and get it checked out straight away.

it has been hell since Dec 2017, some good day but mostly bad.

I have lost 3 stone, my hair falling out etc and i have cried non stop since the beginning of November.

I have told my workplace and they have paid for counselling which is helping and i am tablets from the Dr.

I did attend some councelling with a charity for concerned family members but it didnt help it was all about the drugs and to be honest i am so fed up about drugs that its about me now.

Bluebell – no i dont have any support really, family gave up when he came back in March last year as they didnt want him to, the friends we had are all couples and i know it is awkered for them and they are as upset as me.

Being together so long you lose your identity and that is the hard part, i just work and come home and look at he walls and cry!! its pathetic really

I have been close to a nervous breakdown (think i may have had some sort) Xmas was the worst, to see my husband walk out of the house on Xmas eve was the worst and Xmas day is a blur i cant remember it.

The last time i spoke to him on the phone he said what are you clinging onto, i take drugs, if you want a future get a divorce. I am trying to sort myself out and just want you to be ok – Keep your chin up – KEEP YOUR CHIN UP to a wife who has supported him all this time its just a kick in the teeth.

Drugs aside i just think he wants a taste of the single life.

I am so up and down, one day i am extremely angry and them days are good because i hate him, but like today i am so upset and my mind will not stop thinking about him with other women etc!!

I still think he will stop (i know that is probably not likely) as he has told so many lies to his friends and family, he was doing it because he was unhappy with me, i was abusive, i was controlling etc which they believe – why wouldnt they (he is an expert in manipulation) so he now has to prove it was all true as he wont want them thinking bad of him!!!

[b8988]

Please don’t take the nasty things he says to you to heart. My husband told me in Feb last year that because I always said “ if you love me you wouldn’t keep using drugs” he now thought “maybe I don’t love her” which is so stupid when he showers me with love usually. Plus the week before that I threatened to leave him and take the kids and he fell to his knees crying hysterically begging me not to go. It wasn’t for the kids, as I said he could see them as much as he liked. Plus I know it’s an awful thing but my husband I believe has always favoured me over our children. That’s what I mean, my husband doted on me and everyone else agrees too. On reflection now, he says deep down you know you love people but you push them away because it’s easier, no more arguments, no more being thrown out. Then you kid yourself that single life will be the best life, you can take all your drugs and won’t have to hide them and do as you please. But my husband said when you come down you know you still love that person and feel bad about what you’ve done, so you mask it with more drugs and so the circle continues.

Have you ever thought about saying to your husband you still want to be with him as you love him and you believe deep down he loves you, remind him of good times. Tell him that you’ll be there for him when he chooses to live another life, and if he wants help in trying to stop you’ll be there to help him. Tell him that everything he’s done in the past is irrelevant and you forgive his actions because you know they were due to drugs?

By suggesting this I certainly don’t mean excusing things he’s done and those things will never be forgotten, but it may help you to know that at least you’ve reached out. If he declines at least you know you made the effort. One day you never know he might choose the right path. Xx

[bluebell]

Oh Cally that is awful! I pretty much had the same but as we have kids he has to keep me sweet otherwise I could stop his contact (my son found his drugs and I had to deal with social services but they didn’t do anything as they said I was a protective factor and closed the case) I think I would rather not have to see him as it is like dealing with invasion of the body snatchers every time I see him!

I think my ex has a new woman, she’ll be a user for sure. My friend asked me how I felt about it and I was surprised to say devastated and relieved. Devastated because I loved him once so much, but relieved as because in a way it makes it final and I can draw a line under it all.

Where do you live? I am Essex (but I don’t have a fake tan and false eyelashes ????) if you are nearby we could meet for a coffee, it sounds like you need a big hug and to talk to someone who really knows what you are going through. I know a couple of friends who are divorced but it’s a bit of a different situation with the drugs and nobody else I know has walked in my shoes the way others on this forum have. To be honest this keeps me sane!

Although I am learning my own worth and have developed a sense of humour which makes me laugh at the craziness of it all.

For what it’s worth, when they are coming down they feel like shit. Don’t try and assume anything about him. They think the grass is greener but it isn’t, and at the end of the day we have our health.

Let me know if you are nearby and we can meet up. Big hugs babe and don’t go through this alone. I feel for you as you have lost a lot of dreams xx

[cally1001]

Hi Bluebell

I am near Liverpool (I dont say calm down calm down and i dont go shopping in my PJ’s haha)

its a pity you are so far away as you say others get divorced and say move on etc but with the drugs in the mix it is a total mind game, i dont know what was truth and lies and although i know it is the drugs its still hurts me as he has just vanished and i wonder how anyone can do that, I am still thinking of the man from a few years ago and he would never do that (or would he?? as i never really knew him at all)

Yes its the dreams that hurt so much, the plans we made together just gone.

I feel he is in a win win situation, free to use, free to meet others, no memories etc and i am sat at home with all the memories etc (god i sound like a broken record :-))

I move next week so that hopefully will start to help but its my mind that is the problem, it just does not stop EVER!

I am starting Yoga next week as i have been reading up and people have said it saved them during divorce so will give that a shot.

I truly believe if had had more friends and family it would not be as hard and i would heal quicker, but what has happened and how i have dealt with it and still functioning i must be strong and it will only make me stronger.

What i dont want is this to change me, i dont want to become bitter, i dont want to change as i am a good person i have just been made to feel bad over the last few years.

Have you dont anything other than this forum that has helped? Any advice?

Sending hugs back.xx

[cally1001]

Hi

Thanks for reply.

I have done all those things you suggest that is why i am so stuck in limbo.

He has said he will remember the good times and only the best of me (that was said on a clean day) and i truly believe him.

For how he treated me before all this its like chalk and cheese as i was his world.

When i did see him high that was the end i suppose as he never wanted me to see that and he knew before me that it was over.

I was the one begging him to come back, get help etc but he just said you will never forget it and the arguments make me look for an excuse to take more.

Logically i know all this and i know it is true and i know he loves me, but the emotional part of me and my heart is just so terribly hurt and i cant see past the drugs only that my husband has left me, and i just think i could have done more (i dont know what more i could have done so i should keep thinking that, he just didnt want to stop)

I am just so lost and emotional and up and down which i know everyone on here is so its good to talk to people in the same boat.

I just think he knew it would not change and even if he does get better the embarrassment is too much for him as friends and family all know, i wish i had never said anything to anyone but at the time i was in shock and there is no handbook how to react.

I wish i had of reacted differently when i found out but whats the point in thinking what if etc its not going to change anything.

That he can just walk away like a coward and not try is what is making it hard to accept as i wanted to help but he didnt want it or was not ready for it.

xx

[b8988]

I outed my husband too publicly on fb. That was after I found out he’d began messaging other women last year whilst I threw him out. In his head he said “ stuff her, I’m a good looking bloke I can get with anyone I want” type of thing! He seen everything as being my fault! He went round telling everyone I was abusive and I’d hit him with a cup bevause he had a fb account, which were all lies!! I threw him out because he was caught using coke in our house with my kids in it! This is so unlike my husband, I guess it gives them false confidence and generally makes them assholes!!!

You’re right though, it’s so annoying as like you I do the same, I separate his bad behaviour from the drugs, when I know the only reason he’s doing all these awful things is because he’s a drug addict! If there was no drugs there would be no problems.

I feel I have every right to be mad with my husband and not want a life withdrugs, but I feel that I can’t say anything to him as I’m worried incase I make him worse and he chooses drugs over us! I just want him to come to his senses!

I’ve secretly wished that I’d just fall out of love with him. If I was given a magic wand it would be to stop loving him so that I could be free from all of this. I always feel sorry for myself too like “how can this be happening to my perfect family?” I look at normal families and normal men and wish he could be like one of them.

One day everything will work out one way or another won’t it? It’s the most awful disease though.

[bluebell]

It’s a hard one is t it. I think actions speak louder than words. My ex keeps saying he will do this and that for me but he never does. He’s going to go ballistic this weekend as I have redrafted our letter to the Judge. He doesn’t want it but both our solicitors say he should have part of my pension but I refuse! I See no reason why he should have mine just because he decided not to have one and spend all his money on cocaine instead! I used to make my children share a cake when I took them to Costa because he kept telling me we had no money. All the while he was doing £700 on cocaine! ????

Cally, I have found mindfulness really helpful but the turning point for me was a book called co-dependent no more by Melanie Beattie. You start to realise the part we play in it, and we do play a part, albeit reluctantly, but their condition turns us naturally into paranoid androids, who wouldn’t after all the lies and deceit we have been through. But we can’t control them. The only thing we have control over is ourselves. It’s important to grieve, and Cally you seem to be at early stages, I think I am only just beginning to come to terms with the who,e letting go concept. But I promise you, that once you learn how to do it, it really does free you! That’s not to say you don’t have bad days, sure I’ve cried several times this week, just let yourself feel what you feel then move on. Mindfulness teaches you how to observe those circular thoughts in the brain, they’re not helping so don’t give into them. It’s an odd concept and I doubt I have mastered it, but it’s a good technique to use when you need to calm yourself.

I am really sorry you have nobody to talk to, is there really nobody, a sister or close friend? You can’t do this on your own, the loneliness must be unbearable. Why don’t you get a notebook and start writing down all the things that you can do for you, just you. I wrote music with my ex and he controlled all the programming and recording software. I didn’t have a clue. Now I not only have my own equipment but have written, recorded and produced 3 songs all by myself! I never thought I could do that!

It doesn’t have to be big things, it can be small things lije today I learned how to change the ink in my printer (I am incredibly ditzy!). Earlier this month I flew to Dublin by myself and had a ball!

Funnily enough Cally, I am planning to meet a friend in Liverpool in the next couple of months, so you know what! We are going to meet up and go out for an evening! I don’t believe in coincidences and everything happens for a reason. I can honestly say this who,e experience over the last 18 months has truly made me a better person. I have grown in every way possible and feel less afraid now that I am learning to let go. The truth is, we don’t really know what will happen tomorrow, let alone next week or next month, or even next year.

B9889 is totally right, your husband may take another path. The thing is, maybe they need to hit rock bottom. Who knows what that is, I think it’s different for each person. But what I really do understand now is that we can’t change people, they will only change if and when they want to. It doesn’t matter that we are right and they are wrong, and we’ve learned now that despite all our spying, ranting crying and ultimatums, that at the end of the day people will be who they want to be and no amount of yelling by us is going to tell them otherwise.

I have a new tack. It’s called moving on and showing him that I am. E dry time I pull away he does something like wash my car or try and do something. Yeah that’s his desire to control me, and so far he has done a fantastic job at that. Bit as time moves on we all get stronger. Maybe when they see that they truly will lose us, maybe that will be their rock bottom. But I actually do want to move on and am not afraid of being on my own any more. Who knows, maybe one day they will surprise us all xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Cally,

Just a reminder about The Icarus Trust that you may like to contact. we provide support for the family and friends of people with addictions. It might help you to talk with one of our trained and experienced people. This will be completely confidential and a free service.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

[icarus-trust]

Hi Bluebell,

I really hope that you have heard from Icarus by now and that it has been helpful.

All the best.

[Author]

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