[sdlymsse]

I feel so lost. I need to get it out.

Tonight’s the first time I’ve seen him in such a state, for a very long time. Don’t be mistaken, he’s been actively using for years. But luckily, my parents are separated so I was well sheltered and could stay in the house he wasn’t currently at. Although I didn’t see him in person, I was well aware of him usage. I heard of all his arrests, relapses, benders. But luckily, didn’t have to witness much in person. It was a bit different tonight. I’m 19. He’s 21. Our dad was away the night, where hes currently staying. mum doesnt let him stay at hers anymore. I was staying at my Mum’s house, she too was home with my stepfather. I get a message from his ex. She always got in touch with me when he’s had too much/he’d relapsed/something bad happened. She said she was really worried. Me and my stepdad went over to check on him. He was so- He looked- Just. Its hard to even describe. He looked so dead. His face. I wont forget it. He looked horrifying. His mouth was slung open, fixed in an ugly gormless shape. His eyes were so wide, fixed on me when I opened the door. My stepfather asked if he was ok, he said yes. He asked if he had taken anything. He said no. My stepfather told him to set an alarm for the morning for work then left the room. I wanted to leave so badly, he was scaring me so much, He looked horrible. But part of me couldnt leave him so soon. My stepdad told me he would wait outside. I told my brother we knew he had taken something. He looked like a zombie. He looked dead, like he was actually dead but someone had propped him up. It was horrid. But when i told him, when i said we knew. we know youve taken something. your ex told me i said, she messaged me again. he said nothing. his gormless face didnt change, but the reflection from his broken lamp on the floor made the tears in his eyes glisten. he was welling up. i felt frightened. ive never seen anybody look like that before. it hurt that it was my brother. my own brother. i hate it.im glad i had a safe space away from him at my mums. i wasnt sure what to do i was frightened, but i sat next to him, i poured my heart out. “it doesnt have to be this way” “things can be different” all the usual things. im not sure how much went in. his responses were more gutteral sounds than definite words. i wiped the powder off his face. i felt stuck. i told him im scared to go to uni, because i might come home to him being dead. he pinky promised it wouldnt happen. i asked if he had anything else he was going to take, he said no. i saw a bag right infront of him, with some ketamine still in it. he didnt even notice me take it from him. i actually said out loud, ” i dont want you to have it”, choking up trying not to cry. he didnt know what i meant, and didnt even realise i had it. i threw it down the drain when i left. im so scared. i just cant stop crying. hes so messed up. His room was disgusting. It was filthy. just such a mess. i know thats a surface level issue, but it broke my heart to know he was living in such disarray. i thought i could come and clean it for him, but i know itll be a similar mess next week. and its not like a tidy room will stop him using. i feel theres no way out. for him or us. its like were all chained to him, watching him drown but also were slightly being pulled under too. itd been a while since id spoken to his ex properly. im not sure how involved she is with him just not, its not really any of my business but i warned her she needed to get away again while she could. for her own sanity really. she said she’d tried and failed. I said we could go to a meeting together, a naranon or similar just as something. because its making us ill. im not sure what to do anymore. he was caught drug driving around 3 weeks ago. ketamine. its been ketamine for about a year now. hes tried many, not fixated on one as such, tends to have phases. it was weed, then pills, then MDMA then cocaine. the coke was bad, Im glad that one is over. its ketamine now. were waiting on the test results from the arrest. since that, 3 weeks ago, we caught him ourselves 3 more times. we took the car away. it was too risky. my dad found him at 1 am, slumped in the car seat with a pizza. the lights on full beam. it was clear hed been using. hes been cycling to work since we took the car. he said hed keep going to meetings. he was meant to go tonight. he was so fucked up. i feel so stuck. what more can he do? we’ll be watching him do this til his death, im sure of it, because i dont think he even wants to stop. its killing me, i feel ill. ive never cried so much in my life. i want my brother back. this is the worst waiting game in the world. because there are two endings to his story 1) he sobers up or 2) he dies. it pains me so much to say im preparing myself the accept the latter.

This is such a long post, I’m not expecting any replies but part of me is comforted by the fact it’s all out now. It’s with all the other posts. I skipped all the way to the first few posts on here, from 2011. seeing all those in similar situations to me. I wonder what happened to them. I hope theyre all ok now. I hope their partners/friends/family members got better. Part of me unfortunately knows a lot of them wont have, but i hope the original posters are in a good place right now nonetheless. I hope anyone reading this here right now knows they arent alone. Please talk to your family and friends. Its so important to communicate. You deserve to be happy. I wouldnt wish this pain on anybody in the world. I’m so sorry if youre struggling tonight.

Know that this too shall pass.

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