[anyfuture]

Hi everyone

I don’t know where to start really, but so glad I’ve found this forum. I left my (now ex) partner – the father of my 8-year-old in April. He had been a functioning alcoholic for years, but was getting increasingly nasty and non-functional. He’d been sacked from work (again) and refused to engage with rehabilitation services. He nearly died end of 2021, and was drinking again within six months. As I know you all understand, life was horrific, and I told him early January that I couldn’t do it any more and he needed to leave (it’s my house). I was terrified our son would find him dead, of the damage that had already been done, and I had got to the point I was so depressed I wanted to end it all and was very afraid for my own health. He finally left in April after the situation had got unbearable. He’d been sofa surfing and was back on whisky, his poison of choice. His friend went through similar horrors to me, resulting in him being hospitalised nearly two months ago now after he became incontinent, incoherent and lost the ability to walk.

He is currently on a general medical ward, under the care of social services because he’s now homeless and has two security guards because he’s tried to get out numerous times and he is unable to look after himself, suffering from paranoid delusions. He rings, leaves voicemails and I have missed calls constantly. Ranting messages with his delusions, he believes our son is being tortured so there’s been a big safeguarding issue here with him trying to get ‘home.’ I feel so desperately alone with this, it’s not exactly a relationship breakup, more a me being completely unable to cope any longer. I no longer love him, swing between grief, disgust, terrible sadness of a life lost, anger (for my son who has to grow up without a father who loved alcohol more, for me because I’m now a lone parent), compassion for his state. He’s been diagnosed with Wernicke’s-Korsakoff and is now in a very bad way with lesions on his brain. This never occurred to me, I honestly thought his liver would give out, not his brain.

So here I am, struggling hugely. Struggling with a little boy who has his own problems and now a father who’s killed his own brain and doesn’t know who is he, struggling hugely financially (fall down a crack and not eligible for any help), struggling hugely with my own health – deep depression and anxiety, but no choice to but to work two jobs to try to cover everything. They blow a big festering hole in everyone’s life they touch, don’t they? No point to this really other than by getting it out I know it’s to people who understand, and thank you for the safe space to do this. I’m so sorry for all of your struggles and troubles too and wish you all some peace and hope.

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