[jamesb]

What’s the one thing you want to say to your significant other?

 

If you’re the one battling addiction, what do you wish you could tell your loved ones?

 

If you’re the partner or family member, what do you wish you could ask or what do you want to tell them?

 

Leave a comment and get it off of your chest ♥️

[fayzey]

Hey James, how are you? Hope all’s going good with you ????

I know this is a stupid question but I just sometimes feel like asking my ex (not sure if that’s what he is now who knows?!) – why aren’t we enough? Why would you choose that life of drugs rather than our nice life we had? It doesn’t look enjoyable so how can that be better living in someone’s spare room with no money and constantly ill. Why not just put the effort in and go to meetings and try and sort yourself out? Guess it’s not a rational thing but can’t help but take it personally when I start to feel negative about everything….

[cap50]

I’m the partner of a coke addict, recently separated. I’d like to get off my chest that this problem causes such a path of destruction.. I’ve been in some very dark and lonely places. I’ve felt like I’ve not been enough that I’m not fun, that I moan about everything and I’ve only just started to realise that no matter what I’ve said, nothing will ever make a difference. It’s like I’ve been competing against coke for years. When it gets such a hold of someone there really isn’t anything that you can do or say. They are no longer the person who you’ve been desperately trying to get back. I feel guilty writing this but I feel relieved that I’m out of the madness.. once I get my finances are sorted I will be so happy that I’m no longer controlled and in a miserable uncertain situation.
addicts will never be able to give you what you need when using. The only love they have left isn’t enough for you. I’ve read this forum for a good 2 years whilst desperately hoping I’d have a happy outcome to my situation, sadly it’s just got progressively worse.

I feel like I lost every part of who I am and I’m really looking forward to finding me again, for my kids and myself.
I wish everyone the best of luck with your journey whichever way it take you

❤️

[fayzey]

So crazy how all these stories are so similar cap50 – mine is basically exactly what you’ve just said but I’m seven months down the line of him not living with us – definitely gradually getting back to myself and reconnecting with people I haven’t had time for because I’ve focussed on him for years, but still in limbo as I don’t seem to be able to fully let go – hard when there’s kids though to do that as I just want him ok as he can be for our son.  Wishing you lots of happiness for your new start x

[cap50]

I think it’s because you know the person they are without the coke and you never stopped loving that person it just went away when they don’t have control of the using.
it’s like you don’t want to give up on them but you’re in such a bad place yourself that you know you have to. You cling on to the hope that one day you may be more important to them than the miserable existence that they’re in.
it’s really hard to get your head around isn’t it. I’ve only just had the strength to say I’ve had enough and for now feel liberated by that but im sure it is going to be a bumpy road ahead.
I think we have to just accept that we will never get the answers we want or even understand the madness.
I hope you’re doing well ❤️

[thistim3]

To the women who want to start a family with an addict – DON’T.  It will be the loneliest and most scary time of your life. He won’t be there for you or your child in any capacity.  You will be without resources to take care of your baby and yourself.  He will most likely cheat on you and be surprisingly cruel.  Read these stories. They are all similar stories.  They are all real.  Even if he quits the drugs, he still will never be the same person that you fell in love with.  That person is gone.  Release him with love. Grieve for your loss.  Save yourself and your future children from this debilitating and life long heartbreak.  And move on.

[Ahurtwife]

Why did this happen? what have you done to our children? How can you ever say you loved me? How can any human treat their loved ones this way. You absolute selfish bustard..   I just wish I had the balls to say it.

Thank God for th8s forum, you have quite possibly saved my sanity xx

[thistim3]

I’ve been in love with my addict for almost 50 years.  I want answers too Ahurtwife, but will I ever get all of them?  I have more answers than I ever have had, but he still hasn’t given what I feel is the full story. Most of what I do know – he has told me. I am traumatized by the memories, and even mad that I am having to look at this again after all these years. Yes, I love him – I always have. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. No matter what decision you will make about this S_ _ _ _, it doesn’t change.  You will still love him and the S_ _ _ _ will still be there. So, how do you make it better for yourself?  Hell if I know.  So, tonight I”m in our extra room, which has become my ‘sanctuary’. I can come in here lock the door, and look for some peace to settle my soul. The large window to the back lot offers a beautiful view of the evening sky.  (He is sleeping in our bedroom down the hall.) I’ve been all in all these years, but he hasn’t.  Why not? Because one moment ago – decades ago, he thought cocaine was a good idea.  Should he get eternal damnation for that?  No.  Of course not.  So, then why does it still feel so huge sometimes? I don’t know. Maybe it is supposed to. Maybe if it wasn’t this, it would be something else to torture our souls.  None of any of it matters right now. I’m settling in to the view and feeling blessed that I have this spot here to calm myself and be thankful that we have made it through the worst and we’re both still here – together and apart at the same time.

[pops88]

Why did you think it was ok to sit in our home with our children & get addicted to cocaine?
I understand now that you probably didn’t even know it was happening but you are a smart man , you have devastated are lives and you don’t seem to care , I have asked you for the truth , you even lie when I have evidence, I wish you would snap out of it you have so much to lose,
I have lost my husband / Bestfriend
They girls have lost their daddy ( they see and hear from u more than me but not enough)
I try to hate you for what you have done but it’s hard

[Ahurtwife]

Pops88, i can reiterate every word you have written. I guess that’salways the question, Why??

I am so pleased I have found this site, I have been driving myself insane, becoming as paranoid as he is. All because I care.

Just out of interest has he gone?? If so, how did you get him out??? Big hugs lovely  it isn’t you or your fault. Xx

[pops88]

Hello, yes he has gone 10 weeks , I knew for months something wasn’t rite, he said he didn’t know if he was happy , I respected his decision I would never be anyone’s jailer , I was absolutely devastated as we have been together nearly 20 years had a brilliant marriage (a bad 6 months) then all the cocaine abuse came to light , I was in a much denial as him until I found this sight I have evidence, & what people have told me about him there is no way he can deny it now but he does , I don’t know him anymore , I see now I am probably one of the lucky ones that he left , I think he thought I was gonny catch him, it was only a matter of time , he knows I know, I don’t contact him he can do what he wants now , the emotional abuse that was happening I thought I was doing it to myself , but I know I was craving his attention, as he emotionally starved me , we had a very close relationship, , it really is the devil food , I hope u are doing well, love yourself ????????

[BumbleBee]

I’d ask what was real because everything contradicts itself.  I’d ask if it was all planned.

[navy]

Hi

i left my husband. (worst week of my life) he promised me he would get help, i was his life that’s all he needs is me. I came back, it’s been 4 weeks (it’s been very stressful time)

I know he has been using this past week and it’s killing me.

I just want to know when I left and it supposedly killed him thinking he would never have me back, why or why do you still do it ? and try to hide it.

how come this drug tells him it’s ok?

why am I not enough. ?

Why can’t he be happy with me. ?

I know life sucks sometimes but we all have to get on with it and put our best foot forward no matter what we are faced with.  I’ve had too, I’m trying really hard but it’s draining me again, I’m not sleeping or eating properly.

thank you for listening

Broken hearted Navy

[Caroline0808]

I’ve completely lost my son and daughter to Ketamin I never see a time that I will get my relationship back with my son which was once amazing he was so lovely and supportive and kind and caring now he lies and steals to get money to buy his drugs or manipulates it out of me sadly I have had to block him as its too hard listening to the stories he tells me scaring me into giving him money, as for my daughter our relationship was never the greatest her teenage years I never thought I’d get through I hoped as she got older things would improve however she then found Ketamin its getting to the point now I have to walk away from both of them they wont be helped or help themselves thing is how do I consciously make them homeless?  I cant but I also cant continue to live this way daily continually worrying and stressed I have constant anxiety and am now on anti depressants they are both ruining their lives and those around them I’ve screamed and shouted I’ve cried and begged I’ve ignored I’ve tried to help.  It doesn’t even seem they care what they are doing to themselves there is no real want to stop and get better, my family is completely broken and so am I.

[ceelen]

To the man who took my life, turned it upside down, used me, squandered everything we had and still made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

Well done for getting sober. I believe its been nearly 18 months now. I know that after you left rehab I said I couldn’t do this anymore and walked away.

I didnt have anything left. My whole life, my whole world had drowned in your addiction. Every part of my life was touched, tainted and blackened by the lies, the abuse and the manipulation.

I will never forgive you for taking me to court over our children. Spending the last 18 months pretending that you are the picture of respectability, that it was ‘active addiction’ that caused you to do those things. That shrugging it off and disregarding all my pain and out of your control. I hate you for making me into the bad person who wouldn’t give you a second chance. I gave you second, third, fourth, twentieth, hundredth chances. You took none.

I hate you for lying this whole time that you have been in a relationship. 18 months on and you still tell me, the kids and the courts that you go to work, go to meetings and go home. I hate that you are still manipulating me and those around me.

 

Mostly though, I hate myself. I hate myself for not leaving the first time I could see where this was headed. I hate myself for loving you. I despise myself for you being the father my children are left with. I despise myself for wondering if I could have done something different, or if I should have just taken one more chance to get the happy ending you seem to now have with someone else. I was the one who sacrificed everything, who lost everything. How dare you then even contemplate having a lovely happy life when you stole mine. You stole mine and drank it. You stole mine and sniffed it. You stole mine. You don’t deserve to be happy, because you took all my chances and poured them down the drain.

I followed the rules. You lived a life completely without consequence or remorse. Yet, you won. I lost. And you don’t deserve it.

I’m going to hold on to this pain and not let it go. Because I saw you. I see you still. I live through all those years, while you skipped chapters lost in a hole of addiction. I clung on. I got us through. And my god. I deserved better.

You may battle with this addiction for the rest of your life, but so will I. The difference is, it wasn’t my fault.

 

From an ex partner of a former addict. Saying the things out loud that I just can’t anywhere else.

[paw_x]

Thank you for your beautiful but heartbreaking words Ceelen. I can relate so much to what you’ve said here. Especially the frustration at doing everything right but losing everything because of them, and how hard it is to watch them go from strength to strength when it feels impossible for you to put yourself back together. Almost in tears reading your post. I hope you manage to find your peace after all this. Keep your head up high x

[ceelen]

Thank you. It’s pure burning anger that doesn’t go away. Unfortunately you don’t seem to be able to openly dislike an addict nowadays. It’s stopped being about the harm they’ve caused to others and more about what they still need, want and can manipulate to get.

[jajoso]

Did you ever love me?
Was anything you said true?
Was I an easy target, someone you could easily use and manipulate?
Did you laugh behind my back when I believed all your lies?
Did you care when you cheated?
Why was I not enough?

You’ve left me half the women I was when I met you, I have no confidence, no trust in anyone, I’m negative, I feel worthless, I feel pathetic, I feel stupid, I am tired, I am angry, I feel used, I feel weak, I hate myself,  I hate the world, I hate my life, I hate you!

 

 

[jamesb]

I wish I could answer for you all of those questions but the truth is even knowing the answers, may not put to rest your pain.

I myself am a recovering addict and have at times been quite active on here trying my best to use what I went through to try in addiction and how it effected my relationship in some kind of positive way.

 

I couldn’t not reply to your post because you should never feel any of the things you said due to the pain inflicted on you by someone else’s actions or addictions.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to almost back the people who have been addicted and often explained that in some cases, like mine, addiction wasn’t ever something I chose and tragic events led to me falling into a dark place. That being said, when I was using I lied, I manipulated and I was a horrible person but those actions where not carried out by my true self, they where the actions of a hollow man, weak and gripped by an all consuming addiction. That doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t take accountability for those actions though and a guy on here Kulstar once replied to one of my posts with a comment that really put that into perspective and I’m very grateful for that.

 

What I want to tell you is this. I dont know the person who hurt you. I don’t know their story and their struggles that led to addiction but regardless it is not okay that you have been hurt.

You are not half the woman you was you are infact stronger, a survivor. You may not feel like one but the fact you are out the other side shows you are. People who have never been in a relationship with an addict will never understand the mental drain that comes along with loving an addict and alot of people would not be able to even try, you clearly have and that speaks volumes about the person you must be.

The person you once loved, who caused you this heartache may or may not be a good soul trapped in an illness but for now I want you to know that what ever you did for them and the support you gave them up until you had to walk away would have been invaluable. But now is the time for you to be the oppersite of what you have been and be selfish. Focus on your needs, your happiness, your laughter and know that you are enough. Hold.your head high and know that you did your best for them.

I promise you happiness is out there and I promise you that the universe will bring light into your life.

If you allow yourself to be broken by what’s happend then addiction has won and you’re better than that. From right now detach yourself from the hurt of what you have been through and chase the life you deserve.

 

Send strength and love

 

James x

[jajoso]

James.. thank you so much for your reply. I am really really trying to change my way of thinking. I am so full of anger and hate towards him, life and myself. I feel cheated, let down and bitter. I feel all those things because of the way someone treated me.. but I hate myself more for allowing it.
I knew at times I was being manipulated and lied too.. but I was so weak and pathetic that I just took it. He would wear me down.. I was tired and exhausted. he would speak to me like shit and inside I would be raging but I never spoke up. Even now I am too scared to let him know how his action have effected me.
I find myself crying because I am so ashamed of letting someone treat me this way. I have daughters and I found out they’d been treated this way I’d kill the person.. but yet when it came down to me I just stood there like a fool and took it every time.
I have no one outside this group I can turn to because I am so ashamed of myself. I never told anyone why we split up and I get comments like how could I have let go of such a top bloke.. and I still sit there like an idiot and say nothing!

What is wrong with me!!

 

 

 

[Bubbles24]

You were free of it all and you chose to go back.

Why?

I’m at a point where I’m so close to giving an ultimatum ‘it’s me and the dog or the drugs’ but sadly, I know the answer and not sure I can bring myself to face it just yet.

I tired and alone. I have no friends as all my energy goes into you. But I can’t tell you this as you’d get upset.

Please, just stop taking drugs. I know it’s not easy, but surely it’s easier than this?

[kulstar]

Thanks JamesB for the mention. Only with acceptance and ownership can we as addicts truly reflect on what’ve become and whether or not you want better for yourself. I mention yourself as it has to be for you. Unconditionally for you and you only. What follows is a ripple effect, you’re the stone that creates the wonderful ripples that everyone gets to experience from recovery. Once I had accepted it was all my doing, actually the future looked great. There are no guarantees in this game as we know but I knew I deserved better such was the desire for the true me as you’ve described.

 

To all the loved ones who have responded to JamesB, have hope because at times thats all you have left. Sometimes it really is fate on whether or not that bulb ticks on in the addicts brain for desiring a better future. Question is how long do you hold onto Hope at the detriment of yourself. I know I came very close to removing all chances of hope from my wonderful wife.

Love and Blessings to you all

[ceelen]

This reply has really hit a chord in me. I hoped until there was no more hope in me, so when I was faced with the prospect of choosing to give one more chance, I walked away. I didn’t have anything left in me to have the strength I needed to hope for a better day. I had to take back control of my days, of my life, of my sanity and let go of the future that would justify the past. I think that’s the hardest thing as a partner of an addict, letting go of the hope.

Your reply also highlighted something else. My partner left rehab and has remained sober for 18 months. He stopped drinking and no longer takes drugs. He’s held down a job, formed a new relationship very quickly and today my young children are meeting the woman who feels like took my happily ever after. I often question whether or not it was the right choice to leave, but I remind myself. It was not the drink or the drugs I hated. It was the way his addiction made me feel, lied, cheated on, stolen from, manipulated and abused. The substances may have turned him into a person that he may not have liked either, and I’m sure than when is actually honest with himself, he feels shame. The problem came though, that his new, sober, spiritual form of himself, could not accept that it was still his responsibility that he did those things to me. I received a text last year saying he was at a certain step and wanted to arrange for a brief meeting to make ammends. It was insulting, offensive and still curdles my stomach. How could I live through what I survived and accept a simple apology? I needed actions, not words. I didn’t need to hear that it was the drugs or the booze that made him do that, so it wasn’t his fault. I didn’t need to hear that the substances turned him into a person he didn’t like. I needed to hear some acceptance and responsibility took the one life that I had been given, abused it in a very way possible, and then shrugged it off as though it was someone entirely apart from himself. I don’t know if anyone may stumble across this thread in the future, but I would like them to hear my voice, as he never will-

You caused harm. You may have been controlled by something else, but you made that choice every single time you took or drank something. It wasn’t an easy option to say no, and I recognise that your sobriety is a battle that had to be hard won. But it was still your choice to take something knowing it would affect me. You gambled me with every pint, with every shot, with every bottle. You risked our lives, our home, our future, our children everytime you picked up that phone to get more cocaine. Every single time you did either it felt as though you were betraying me, the children and everything we had ever worked for, wanted and achieved. That was still you. You were that person. The person you became, was still you. Regret, shame and recovery does not magically separate the two people. If you can become a better person, then that is incredible. But please don’t tell the people who you used as a life raft during that time that its not your fault that they are now adrfit at sea, while you sit happily on your boat of recovery and sobriety. They once lived on the boat too. You cast both of you overboard. If you both made it back to the boat, please don’t ever take for granted how much your partner had to do to survive. Never stop apologising and making sure that loyalty, devotion for you in your darkest hour is recognised. They sacrificed their own life for yours. Please don’t come out the other side and tell them it wasn’t your fault. It was your fault. They loved you. They almost drowned for you. The you then, and the you now. You are one person to them.

To the rest of us still listing out in the ocean, still feeling robbed, abandoned, betrayed. Please take a fraction of the kindness, the sympathy, the empathy, the resilience, the love that you had for them, and use it to save yourselves. Whether you saved them or not, whether you saved them and then found yourself cast off, or whether you are sitting back on the boat feeling uneasy. Swim for yourselves. Because if after everything they do not realise it was you as the life raft- it wasn’t the drugs, the alcohol or the pills, it was them and still is.

 

Getting clean and sober, and staying so is an amazing achievement that I won’t diminish in anyway. Actually facing the waves you caused and the destruction they wrought, it may be hard for you, but the people you hurt need it. They need you to not just be medically better, but actually for you to take steps and fix the damage that you caused. Sorry is not a word, its an action. Sorry takes effort, time, patience and self sacrifice. Sorry takes commitment.

[paw_x]

Thanks for your posts Ceelen. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to put into words as eloquently as you how I feel about the whole thing but I agree with everything you say.

I haven’t left my partner but he no longer lives at home to give us space. That’s been since March but I’m still struggling with the anger. The main thing I can’t wrap my head around is how, if it’s not a choice (I’m told it’s a disease and that after the first time it was game over for him), how is recovery ever possible? If it takes as little as that first one, how can he, or I with him, ever live a normal life, if we lose everything any time he slips and has that first one and has “no choice” but to become a full blown addict again for a year – all the while lying to me while I asked him again and again if he was okay.

I am really struggling to get over it. He told me he wasn’t strong enough to say no and that the addict voice kept telling him he was fixing it – we were buying a house and he knew he was putting me and my daughter in an unstable position but he continued. If there was no choice involved, how can I know for sure he won’t do this to us in a few years time?

We planned on having a child of our own and I’m 36 so I don’t have long left for that – so part of me is also grieving the fact I’ll likely never get that chance as he took that choice from me. I didn’t choose to buy a house with an addict who would lose their job and self destruct. I also constantly reminded him I’m from a working class family and I don’t have a safety net if it goes wrong, while he did things with total impunity as his Mum would cover the mortgage, & sent him thousands of pounds to cover what we needed for the new house when he confessed to what he did just before we moved in. Even now, I’m riddled with debt as I had to credit card most things on move in – but he’s in recovery, with money in his pocket, and his Mum’s agreed to pay off a chunk of his credit card debt. Which won’t have been for furniture, or the house, it will have been for cash withdrawals that went up his nose. I don’t have a Mum to pay for me even though my debt isn’t my fault, but in a few months he’ll be back to being on top financially while I struggle along as a victim of his financial abuse.

I just don’t know how anyone gets through this anger x

[ceelen]

If nothing else. I hear every word you’ve said. And you are right. My situation was incredibly similar to your own.

If I can offer one piece of advice, don’t have a baby with him. I adore my daughter, she is my whole world, along with my elder son who is not my ex partners. She is the miracle I never even realised I needed. If I had to go back and make the selfish choice, I would do the same all over again. But it would be selfish. She came into a life that has a chaotic, irresponsible, selfish parent. Even as I type this, she is gently sobbing herself to sleep as she misses her dad. All I can do is hold her and reassure her that I am solidly, without question here for her. I will never be able to explain to her how a ‘disease’ stopped her Daddy from being around. She will never understand how a ‘disease’  took our financial stability, isolated us from friends and family, made us nervous, made us walk on egg shells. How do you explain to a three year old who is crying herself to sleep that Daddy couldn’t ‘get better’ for us, but less than two months later ‘got better’ for another woman and her children. How does a three year old begin to understand why her mum won’t have her father’s mother anywhere near her either, because they used mummy as a scapegoat for Daddy’s addictions? Rather than defending Mummy, the further enabled the abuse, the lies the addiction. How does my nine year old explain to his sister why he is not sad that the only father he has ever known has moved out, moved on and spends so little time with them? My nine year old lived eight years of his ‘Father’s’ ‘disease’. My nine year old begged me last week not to have a glass of wine. How do I explain to both children that money is tight to the point of non existence, still paying off the debt of keeping us all afloat, paying a solicitor to keep us safe, while every penny Daddy had was ground into a powder and sniffed. Daddy’s parents paid for the private rehab, gave him money for drugs, paid his debts, when he stole a family members car, gave the victim their car as a replacement,on top of the insurance money- and paid the court fine for the multitude of offences and convictions. They still pay for a solicitor to drag me through the court to ensure he still has access to the children. How do I listen when they compare our life to his, our teeny mid terrace to their 4 bedroom house in the country?

 

I wish I had more answers for you, but all I have is questions of my own. On a good day I can be rational and say that yes, addiction is a disease. On a bad day I want to scream how ludicrously crap that is. A person with a disease does everything they can, for as long as they can, as hard as they can to stay with their family and loved ones. An addict continues on their path with no thought whatsoever to their loved ones. A person with cancer wouldn’t tell you that you were crazy if you told them they had cancer. A person with COPD wouldn’t steal your car and try to justify it by saying it wasn’t their fault because they have COPD. A neurodivergent person still has to be accountable for their actions. A person with epilepsy wouldn’t be able to steal money and be able to blame their condition. I suffered extremely serious mental health issues- no-one told me it was okay to give up parenting for twelve months and put myself above all things. I see addiction as it is. ADDICTION. I see recovery as a monumental achievement. I see the excuses, the justification, the self-absolving of all sins and guilt as a horrific injustice to those of us who never chose to have our lives ruined. One day I dream of going to recovery meetings and telling some of my stories.

Please don’t have a baby with him. Grieve for the future you had planned and hoped for, but don’t have a baby with him. You will tie yourself to his wagon for the rest of your life. And worse, you’ll tie the child too. You also need to get your daughter out of that situation. Ring Womens Aid tomorrow. Get advice about the debt, the house, how to move forward and how to escape. While he is in rehab, take every single step you can to prevent him coming back into your life. Tell his mother he will not be returning home, take his things to her house. While he is not there with you convincing you of a future that won’t happen, take back the future you deserve. Leaving an addict after they got sober was the hardest thing I will ever have to do, but by giving up him, I also gave up his ‘disease’ and that disease nearly cost me everything. I wasn’t hanging around to see if he could say ‘no’ next time thus destroying the very little the kids and I had left.

[paw_x]

Hi Ceelen,

My heart breaks for what you and your children have been through, I’m so sorry. How you’re still standing after dealing with this for a decade I don’t know!

I understand why you feel the way you do and I hear you. I don’t think I’m in the situation of needing Women’s Aid and I work in law myself so unfortunately I know what my options are, and they are limited. We moved into a new build with a big deposit from his Mum and selling so soon isn’t an option I want to go down. Which is why I am still angry as I would have more options if he’d been honest.,I am livid at what he has done but I do acknowledge he isn’t a monster, he does hate himself for what he has done to us and aside from the addiction, he has never done anything remotely abusive to me. He is without a doubt the best man I have ever been in a relationship with, the love of my life and my soulmate, which makes even thinking about the way forward all the more difficult. My daughter is 18 in September and we’re focusing on us at the moment.

He isn’t in rehab, he has had two suicide attempts since I kicked him out, one of which led to him being in an induced coma for a week. He currently has a few months sober since the last attempt, and is at meetings most of the week. He isn’t around us all the time and that’s what we need just now, and in time I might need to make the big decisions I’m putting off just now.

I hope you and your kids find your peace after all the chaos x

[Author]

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