[andy05]

Hello, here is my story.

My Girlfriend of nearly 5 years split up this weekend.

Back Story: My GF has a history of drug abuse with cociane dating back to her teens. Her father was a violent drunk who beat her mum up when my GF was a child and she witnessed quite a lot of this.

She has grown into this amazing, intelligent woman who’s now approaching her late 40’s. She has her own business as she has had issues in a regular working environment so set up on her own. Sometimes she feels isolated, in fact she has chosen this way.

I have been aware of her past history with drugs from day 1 and have been very clear of my boundaries regarding drugs, violence and aggression. My GF has told me about her relationship with her Cousin who even today is abusing drugs with his husband. Her cousin has recently moved back up North and have been planning to meet up in a few weeks before Christmas.

To be open and give balance, I have my own history of running from relationships when my boundaries are crossed then going back and compromising on them. It’s unhealthy, having had 2 years of therapy to address this, I understand myself more than ever before. I am a survivor of childhood abuse by a relative. I didn’t even realise until I hit 50.

Hopefully, that gives a bit of a picture?

On Friday last, we were on the internet, ordering food and planning Christmas which we were both looking forward to. My GF then says “talking about parties, you know I’m meeting my cousin in a couple of weeks? Well, he’s asked if I fancy a stiffner (a couple of lines). I’ve told him that you (meaning me) would be pee’d off but I’ll ask you anyway.”

She was right, I wasn’t happy and said so, she then went on about how she was an adult and she could make her own choices and taking Cocaine was just like me having a pint with my mates. All the time laughing about it and trying to make it about me.

I didn’t shout, I didn’t swear, i simply said “you’re an adult and you’d have to face the consequences if she went ahead with this” after listening to her for another 4-5 minutes telling me how Cocaine is no different to alcohol I simply said “I can’t listen to this, I’m going downstairs.” I needed space to breathe as I was absolutely stunned.

I gave myself that time and returned 10 minutes later to say in a composed manner “You’re 100% right, you’re an adult and if you want to do drugs then you’d have to do it without me in your life because that’s a deal breaker for me.”

I then get verbal abuse from hell. “You’re abandoning me and you know I don’t like that feeling”, “this is what you always do when you don’t get your own way”, “you’re an f this and b that”. Get your f…g stuff and get out.

I explain that I can’t be around drugs and can’t understand why she couldn’t say no when she knows that I have always said that I would walk away without discussion if drugs ever came in to the relationship.

That night I stayed with my cousin.

The following day, I still felt I needed space so message to see if I could call and get some clothes. On arriving, she asked if I wanted to talk and I said yes and I asked could I ask her a question first. All seemed fine.

I asked her “Please explain why she couldn’t simply say no to her cousin when he asked her about taking drugs, I explained that over the last few weeks, I have been hit with triggers that had affect my behaviour before my therapy.”

Immediately it was like another world war. I was now a sanctimonious F*** control freak, narcissist you can imagine the language and the comments. I was apparently being aggressive because I was stood up and pointing, I was stood up but I was definitely not pointing, I was in a total pleading stance trying to appeal to the woman that I thought I knew.

I went upstairs to get my clothes and as much other stuff as I could. All the time my GF was getting in my face verbally abusing me and me asking her to please move. I didn’t touch her once.

As I was packing I was be called a weak man, a low life scum bag and abandoning a loving relationship and abandoning her. She also called me a Narcassistic B just like my late dad (someone she’s never met). Until that point I kept bringing her back to the fact that she didn’t say no to the offer of drugs. He response was “well I hadn’t decided if I was going to do it” I constantly kept looking down and focusing on getting my clothes. She kept trying to justify cocaine by saying it was like me going out with my mates for a pint and that Cocaine isn’t as harmful as Alcohol.

I also tried to explain that I support her daily with the daily issues from her past usage, tiredness, moods, asthma, her pancreas not working properly so she has big energy dips and has to eat.

I did say to her that the only good thing here is she was honest about her cousin asking her. The rest was unbelievable.

When she made the comment about my dad I looked up and shouted “I’m not the one putting an F**** line of coke before our loving 5 year relationship, you are, I’m not the one abandoning you, you are” I then looked straight back down and carried on with my packing and then getting the comments you’re also a violent aggressive B******, you’re showing your true colours now.

Basically, it was 30-40 minutes of her projecting on to me and me keeping calm and trying to bring any conversation to the issue of her saying no.

I know I’ve done the right thing with leaving. I did message her brother who is a Captain in the army, we are pretty close. I explained that I was concerned for Kate and that things weren’t good and explained about the potential of her using drugs again.

He messaged back saying that he respects my stance and zero tolerance on drugs but isn’t happy with my disproportionate aggressive reaction and doesn’t appreciate his sister being on the end of my aggression. She had already called him and told him that I had been violent and aggressive. I can 100% say at no time was I either of those, I was conscious of my body language, my tone, my posture, where I looked. I feel like I want to speak to him in person but risk him giving me a punch in the nose. Yet I simply want him to know that I love his sister and am concerned for her if she goes ahead with this. I feel I want him to talk some sense in to her, someone needs to.

The only one who was afraid in there was me.

I did let myself down once when leaving, I said I didn’t want anything to do with a Junkie, as soon as I said it, I felt rubbish and immediately apologized and was once again told to F*** Off with lots of other words following.

I’ve been for my monthly therapy today and talked the Friday and Saturday incidents with them and I’m pleased that I have been able to set a boundary then stick to it, even though it hurts and is confusing as hell. I feel like I’ve done wrong and have been accused of something that I simply didn’t do.

This isn’t the first time this sort of verbal abuse has happened, it seems any time I challenge, I get hit with this torrent of abuse, if I stand and try to reason, I get more and told I’m being aggressive, if I leave I get accused of abandoning her and being weak, I can’t win no matter what.

I honestly can’t write what I feel about her cousin.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

I know I have to walk but I feel so conflicted as I can’t stand to see the woman I love damage herself.

I feel so conflicted, I am angry for being put in this position, I’m sad because I’m losing someone I love, I’m afraid because I don’t want her to get hurt or damaged in any way.

I know I need to walk away and protect myself but this is so bloody hard.

[thistim3]

Hi Andy: You did the best that you could in a situation that could have escalated to something much worse – all while keeping true to yourself and Kate. Leave it all where it is right now and take care of yourself. I suspect that she knows that you are right, but the drug has a strong hold on her right now.

[andy05]

I managed to catch up with her ex-husband. We get on well and he gave me some more insight. He also said he was stunned with what had happened as Kate is so happy.

From what I’m gathering and I already knew most of this from Kate. In her teens, she partied hard and was in with a really poor crowd, he bf was a dealer. She has never admitted it but I feel she was an addict.

She got herself off of it and has taken the odd line of coke years apart when she has been with this cousin.

Her ex doesn’t seem to be a fan of his. He also said that he once tried to “protect” her with regards to a promotion at work asking her if she thought it was a good idea. It was the end of their marriage.

He has already explained to Kate that what she sees as normal, I see as frightening which is correct in part. He also said that she was being honest in bringing it up with me but how she handled it when she got the response she knew she got wasn’t fair.

Was I being harsh in just walking and bit sitting down? I was so upset at what I felt was being asked of me. In fact, looking back, I’ve no idea what she was asking me.

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

Thankyou for sharing your story. I’m sorry that you are in this difficult situation because of your girlfriend’s drug use. I’m glad that you have found this forum and are having therapy sessions. If you would like any more support please contact us at Icarus Trust as we are a charity that offers support to people who are having to deal with addiction in their family. Maybe you would like to speak with one of our trained and experienced Family Friends which might help you to make some sense of it all.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck.

[andy05]

Thank you.

We’ve made a little bit of progress after lots of emails projecting at me and bringing up previous disagreements. I’ve stuck to the simple principle of the question being asked and trying to understand the temptation to say yes an not simply turn away.

I know this is a challenge so am trying to understand what brought the temptation on and was there something Kate needed to share that was challenging.

I feel there may be so I’ve agreed to meet next weekend to speak calmly. My position won’t change in zero tolerance. For me that’s not about control it’s about our respective health and well-being, even if it’s a one off.

[andy05]

Thought that I would share an update on my story.

So today after 6 weeks of to-ing and fro-ISG my partner ended our relationship accusing me of controlling her and over reacting to her conversation about her taking coke with her cousins before Christmas.

Last week, I was the love of her life this week I’m not. In the end, she didn’t do the drug with her cousin.

She had said to her brother and ex-husband that she didn’t want to do the drug yet she can’t tell me that and holds me to ransom for me telling her that I don’t want to be with someone who does drugs. She accused me of abandoning our relationship. This just isn’t true at all.

I have a 19 year old son who has a great friendship with her, she also has a great friendship with my sons boyfriend. I’ve explained that I’m a dad and have always guided my son away from drugs, this has fallen on deaf ears, I’ve also explained that they would have to adopt if they want children in the future and any drug issues would affect their chances, she just doesn’t see this or acknowledge this, she hasn’t tried to own anything involving this situation simply projecting and deflecting everything on to me.

She wants absolutely no contact and I’ve moved out of our home and living with my brother.

We have had our issues in the last due to our challenging upbringing and feel this is the final nail in our coffin. However, all I needed to hear from her is that she didn’t want to do it.

I know I have to walk away from the woman I love, I’d be interested to know if anyone else has experienced this as I’m totally conflicted.

[Author]

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