[tere]

My son who is 32 has been an addict for many years. He has been to Rehab facilities both voluntary and once court ordered. When he comes out he’s back to the wonderful person he is but a few months go by and he’s back doing drugs. If he has no money he will steal duster cans and will do that.

He’s died and was revived once with Narcam. He lives with me and my husband. Everyone says I enable him but I don’t want him to be on the streets I feel he needs my support but I don’t want to enable him to keep on using.

Any help will be greatly appreciated

[coffee0105]

Hi, I hope this finds you well. I’m just wondering in what way people think/feel you are enabling your son? I believe my Mum does the same with my sister. It’s very hard to distinguish between being kind/being a mother/and enablement.

X

[tere]

Hi. Just by allowing him to live with me and giving him another chance, both family members and friends believe it’s enabling him. They feel I should give him an ultimatum but I can’t as a mother abandon him. He’s my son and although I know he’s wrong I can’t turn off my love for him.

[coffee0105]

Hi, yes I can understand both sides. Does he want to stop? Does he work? It’s so difficult, you can’t jusy throw him out as you love him, but you also don’t want him living with you and taking you for granted. X

[tere]

Hi he just got out of rehab again. He’s applying for work and he says he wants to stop. But like all addicts they have a tendency to lie.

I have trust issues with him. This situation is very frustrating and I’m even ashamed to bring it up or speak about it.

T

[coffee0105]

That’s a shame rehab didn’t work. My sister is going soon and we really hope it works but I’m sceptical. Yes they do lie and I find it makes me angry as feel they taking the mick out of you.

Could you ask him to help out in the house? I know he’s not working so can’t contribute in a monetary way. Could he cook? Do some washing? Just so he has a little structure to his day and a sense of achievement. What does he do during the day?

I completely understand feeling ashamed and frustrated. I will only speak with one close friend about it because people judge, don’t understand and are rude about it. Then I get defensive and upset. I know it’s an illness, but it is a horrible one. As like you said they lie which causes trust issues. At least on here you can get some support. X

[louise]

I really feel for you, and your situation. I think the term ‘enabling’ gets thrown around alot by others looking in, but you should not feel ashamed for supporting your son. Providing you’re not giving him money to fund his addiction, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. And even if you were, no one has the right to judge you. My mum’s just came out of rehab, and they ran a really good family service. The best advice we were given was to encourage her to go to meetings, to avoid putting her down, and to focus on building up her self esteem. Addiction asks alot from those in the wings, propping up the user, so try to invest sometime in your own well-being.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Tere and Coffee,

Thanks for sharing your stories. Maybe you would like to be able to talk with someone who would understand what you are going through who would not be at all judgemental.

I work for The Icarus Trust which is a charity that supports people who are dealing with a family member or friend’s addiction because we know how hard this is. We have trained experienced people who you could talk with if you think it would be helpful and that might help you to make sense of things and know what other support is available.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

I hope this is helpful. Good luck.

[tere]

I would love to. I don’t know of a place close to where I live where I can talk to someone. But I will contact you by email like you suggested.

Thank you very much

[icarus-trust]

Hi Tere,

That’s good to hear. I hope you can get some help.

[Author]

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