[Trina09509]

Hi everyone,

Apologies that this is going to be a long post but I desperately need to reach out to people who have been in my position for guidance on what to do.

My husband is a cocaine addict and an alcoholic. I found out he was using about 3 years ago and he said it has actually been going on for about 5 years but rapidly got worse and worse. I found out when our mortgage on our house was due for renewal and he kept talking about how he couldnt provide bank statements because someone had stolen money from his account and the bank were investigating. We had been together for 10 years at this point so I had no reason to believe this was a lie. When I eventually saw the bank statements, I saw he was in thousands of pounds worth of debt via overdraft. He told me he had lost it all gambling. It turns out that the gambling was only a very small part of a much larger problem. We had a huge row but eventually I decided to forgive him as we were planning our wedding and I used our savings to pay it all off, thinking we could go back to normal . A few months went by and I found out I was pregnant. Not long after I found out I was pregnant, I found out he was back into thousands of pounds of debt with his overdraft again. This time I was really upset and told him he would have to figure out how to pay it off himself as I wasnt willing to give him anymore money. This same story has happened time and time again but he has taken our personal loans and credit cards and now owes tens of thousands.

Last February I found out I was pregnant with our second child. I had severe complications with this pregnancy to the point where I was hospitalized multiple times and wasn’t allowed to do much other than rest when at home. I found more drugs and this time in our house. I was so upset and confronted him, he just lashed out in anger saying  he can’t help having an addiction and that he will just stay with me till the baby is born and then leave us alone forever. I was so angry, especially given the completely vulnerable position I was in (I was unable to look after our toddler alone as I wasn’t allowed to lift her and could need to call an ambulance at any point should things go wrong with the pregnancy and we were told there was a 70% chance of that happening. I left to stay with my parents for a while and insisted that he told his mom what was going on. He spoke to his mom and I agreed to come back home after a few days. I thought at this point that things were turning around. He started attending an addiction help group and got therapy, he also got on anti depressants and seemed to be doing much better. I was very worried financially as we were in a lot of debt and my health was poor so I couldn’t fit in any overtime etc to try and pay some of the debt off before maternity leave.

At 30 weeks pregnant, I ended up being hospitalized until the birth (2 months). I was terribly worried about him being home alone during that time as I felt that was a great opportunity for him to return to his old ways. His old behaviours starting cropping back up and he would often make excuses not to come and visit me in hospital and for our oldest child to stay over at one of our parents houses. I had a very traumatic time in hospital and had a baby who had to stay in the NICU for a while and I had to have a hysterectomy and multiple blood transfusions. I have been advised to seek counseling for PTSD. Since I have been home from hospital I have caught him numerous times using again. We got rid of all of his credit cards and the only account he has access to now is a joint account so I can see what is coming and going. My dad lent him some money to help us with the debts because we couldn’t make the minimum monthly payments. He has used up the credit he got back from paying off one of his cards so we are back to square one. I can’t face telling my dad what has happened as it will break his heart after he tried to help us. My husband works for his dad who has told him he will fire him if he catches him using again and regular does drug tests. I tonight have found bottles of urine that he has stashed from when he was clean so that he passes the urine tests that his dad makes him take. I can’t tell his dad because if he loses his job, we will lose our house. I don’t get on with his dad so he wouldn’t think twice about how it would affect me and the children

The thing that has really really concerned me is tonight I have found some of my jewelry in his work bag. After a lot of pressing, he admitted he was going to sell it to buy drugs. I have tried so hard to talk to him but he just acts like a victim, like it’s all uncontrollable and there is nothing he can do about it. He says things like he would be better of dead or that the only way to live without addiction would be to not live anymore. I don’t know how to respond. He is clearly in an extremely dark place but I can’t force him to stop (as hard as I’ve tried). I’m hesitant to get him to go to the doctors because I’m worried that social services will be involved and I’m worried about the impact of this on my children. I don’t know if it’s better to leave and then he can get better help without the worry of putting our children at risk ? He has promised he will go back to the groups again but he doesn’t talk about them with any confidence that they will help. The fact that he is stealing from me turns my stomach and I don’t think I will ever trust him again. I really want to believe this is just the illness of addiction and I’m trying so hard to be supportive but I don’t know if I’m causing more problems by supporting him and I certainly don’t want any of this impacting my children. I mourn the life we should have together but can’t, I’m still hanging on to the hope that things will get better but just when they seem to be, I find out its all a lie. I’m currently dealing with all the trauma from having my baby and just can’t take anymore and am really struggling to be the strong one all the time. When do I get to be the one with some suport? It feels like its always about him and how hard things are for him. I don’t know if I can do this on my own but I feel like he’s not coming back and I will spend my life waiting for him to make a change he is never going to make. I just don’t know what to do or where to turn. I’m also afraid that if Ieave, he will do something stupid as he is in such a low dark place. But by being in that place, he is dragging me down with him. Sorry this has been so long, my heart is so broken and I’m so exhausted I feel almost numb to it all. I can’t believe it has reached the point where he is stealing from me. I’m simultaneously angry with him and really feel for him. I love him but I can’t stand who he has become.

[Lozzy80]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Trina</p>
How much more can you take , you’ve had so much to deal with. Hope you are getting the support you need , it sadly won’t be from him but hope you can turn to family, friends and professional help.

There are many many similar stories of coke addiction in this forum, mine included … Your statement about morning the life you could have had struck a cord with me… I had sooooo much hope, dreams and, goals when I married my husband, I thought we both did… I soon realised however he wasn’t going to be there as a father so I gave up on my dreams we decided best not to have children ????

I wish I could say they recover with a bit of determination and love and support , but you will see from many posts here …love, support , family to live for etc isn’t enough. They need proper help and I think there must be something else that has to happen inside of them for them to recover and remain sober..

Focus only on what you have control over – your own actions, decisions , choices … Start putting yourself and your children front and centre of your life, take care of yourself and spend time with positive people who lift you up not drag you down

It’s all easier said than done…I find keeping a journal and visiting here helps get me back in track . You’ve been through so much so I can tell you are so strong, and you will get through this

I wish you all the best for a peaceful happy future xx

[dodger03]

Hi Trina,

I can really relate to your story as my ex fiancé also works for his parents 2 weeks before our sons first Christmas he confessed to using, we had been together 10 years before our now nearly 10 month old.

How I am coping and how I’ve delt with it is this not saying it’s the right way but will tell you my reasons.

Evicted him from my home.

Told his parents what was going on.

Told Soical services about my concerns.

Made a concious effort to keep up activities with my son to make sure he had things to take his mind off his dad not being around as for a week or so I think his eating was effected.

Insisted on a drugs test if he wanted child contact.

Refused child contact in mine sons home.

Contacted the CMS to attempt to claim maintenance.

So far not rushed to court, as if he is using I can’t allow that around my son anyway.

I drink 2 litres of water a day and take vitamins to try and stay healthy go for walks with friends and tell my mum the truth about what’s going on.

The reason why I’ve done these things is because I belive that if I didn’t and something happened to my son, I would never forgive myself.

It’s heart breaking but when you have kids you have alot to live for and you need to keep your own mind in tact in order to look after them. I don’t do nights out myself more meals out in the day with my son and excerise by walking with friends so I don’t feel like I’m missing out on a social life.

It’s tough but you know what I think you have to be thier rock when he cannot. Because kids deseve better.

Playgroups, ball pits, sand pits, swimming reading them stories buying them clothes that make them feel nice.

Sometimes I feel like mabe too much activities as like overcompensating because he’s lost he’s dad to addiction.

All I can do is hope a pray that he one day sees sence.

So far it’s been a month since he missed our sons first Christmas over a drugs test! He was removed from my home by the police for refusing to take a test.

He can’t get up after a Friday night to do the activities. Sadly after all of his failed promises in the past I just can do him on top of looking after my son, as I feel like ultimately trying to have patience with someone who’s isn’t helping themselves will turn me into a resentful person and that’s not who I want to be. I think when you maintain the distance you get back peace in your life, you children get consistency.

I said to my ex that he had been in and out of my life every 5 minutes ( exaturation but still) for the last 10 years and I’m not prepared to let him break my sons heart.

So I said I will take the strain on this one. Even if it hurts me at least my son only has to get over it the ONCE and not back and forth heart broken wondering when his dad’s going to come home or if he will come home.

I spoke to a lady at my Playgroup who was a psychologist in addition she said it frustrated even her working with these people because sometimes they seem so genuine with all the best intentions but the addiction often takes hold.

My Ex is sadly one who thinks he has no alcohol or drug problems claiming he can stop wherever he wants but then doesn’t.

Supposedly according to the psychologist there are ways they can get over it with:

Environmental support.

Medication

Councilling

The highest success rate was in spiritualism which is aparently 20% that is in Kenya not brittan but still was an interesting opinion.

There’s just so much to consider when they set foot in your home. That’s supposed to be your safe place the place u can go to bed early with no one wanting to stay awake late, the place that’s your meant to be able to inwind not get riddled with anxiety from all of the stress. It’s tough on your own I’m not gonna lie but if you look after yourself and have good support network things can improve.

If you got the patience for it your probably better equipped than me, both my parents were alcoholics one was present and the other I only met 5 times. So couldn’t do round 2 in my adult life as I seen enough of it.

Should have known better than to gravitate towords addict right, stupidly always trying to fix my past in my future, it does have an effect of kids.

But if he wants to step in and play the roll of the addict.

I will always rescue the child x good luck

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