[desperate92]

So I have been with my now fiancé for 10 years. We met at uni and he was always the life of the party and liked to smoke weed. I thought it was just a phase and he would grow out of it as everyone at uni did it. We’re now 10 years on and last year he decided to quit. It had to happen as he had a breakdown and told me that he had debts over £50k that I didn’t know about because of it. He had switched to smoking a vape version which is stronger and really expensive! He was 7 months clean and for the first time in lockdown I had to leave him for the day as I volunteered to work at a test centre to try and get some more money in (on top of my job and doing my masters degree). I came home early to find that he had picked up some weed and had smoked it. I wasn’t upset about the act of actually doing it. I was upset because of the betrayal that he left it until I had left the house and to go behind my back. I lost it and he promised me it wouldn’t happen again.

The last couple of days I have noticed that his behaviour has been off and he has been looking stoned. I keep telling myself noooo it’s just me being paranoid and that it’s because he broke the trust a couple of weeks ago. It took me questioning him 3 times to admit that he has purchased vape juice again. Honestly, the word broken doesn’t even justify the way I’m feeling right now and I’m feeling completely helpless and I just don’t know what to do….

[desperate92]

Also, we have tried to get help but as it isn’t a “stronger drug” I feel that we’re not taken seriously and we are told to just deal with it on our own.

I think the hardest thing is that nobody knows either. His parents are completely oblivious and as we’ve been in lockdown for nearly a year, I told friends he got clean and they don’t need to know anything else.

I’m so alone

[kjs]

Does he want help and to quit?

If so he needs to first recognise his triggers and why he smokes.

Whatever the reason it is treatable be it depression, chronic pain, insomnia

He also needs to drop all routines around smoking. That last smoke at night? Have a hot chocolate instead

And finally he needs to stop smoking cigarettes and drinking (if he does) both are well known triggers for substance abuse

[desperate92]

He says he does want to quit but as he’s just been sober for 7 months, he’s not seeing this lapse as a addiction issue but he keeps calling it “a blip” instead. Am I being harsh and as he’s just managed to go 7 months without it, does he deserve that “blip”? I don’t think that’s right but I have no idea how to deal with this and what’s the right thing to do.

Some advice says you shouldn’t shout at them or blame them both other posts say to be strong and don’t be enabler. I’m finding it so hard with what to do.

Yes it’s the last smoke at night and because I go to bed before him then there isn’t anyone but himself to say no to. I think that’s where he struggles

[kjs]

It’s a ‘blip’ if it’s once, say in a social situation, and he regretted it, spoke about it and wants to move on. Relapses happen

If you believe that then you need to accept it and move on

It’s extremely hard not to get angry when you feel betrayed and he needs to understand that he did that, not you

You need to think about your boundaries and set some. What is making you anxious or uncomfortable? What does he need to do to build the trust back up? Sit and discuss it and ensure he knows you want to support him but you also need to look out for yourself

[Author]

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