[marnie]

I met my current partner nearly 3 years ago. When we met he was very open regarding having had issues with alcohol in the past and put it down to his marriage break up and his wicked ex wife and her family. He was funny, intelligent and we had so much in common it was frightening. As we saw each other more we both drank socially together and he never drank out of place so to speak. The following 2 and a half years to be honest turned into a nightmare. It turned out he was a full blown alcoholic, all be it for most of the time functioning it just got worse and worse. I was to blame for everything, he kept me away from his family and friends who would have told me from the off set that he had had major issues in the past. We eventually split up last feb after he had gone on a bender at his sisters, who is just as bad then returned to mine off his face, coke and alcohol I believe. After a huge row he stormed off in his car. He was stopped and arrested after police saw him driving erratically. I blocked him after this, the police had visited my house as a concern for my safety after his arrest as he had told them we had had an argument and he was aggressive with the police. The police wanted to speak to my son who is ten to make sure he was ok. My poor son had no idea what had happened as he was in bed and was scared by the police wanting to speak to him at 10pm !

I was so shook up with this incident I totally blocked him, he had been released to his sisters so just continued the party through until July. I heard nothing from him and just carried on with my life. It was hard as my son had grown close to him and I felt responsible for his hurt, that my partner had just disappeared out of his life. In July last year as lock down 1 was lifting he had to start to sort himself out and start get a grip of reality. He then started making contact with my family saying he needed to see me. I fell for it and met him a couple of times, as I still loved and cared from him, I had also done a lot of research into alcoholism and realised it is a disease and everything he did to me I shouldn’t take it personally. I instinctively wanted to help him but knew he needed to make the decision himself to seek help. Mid July he had hit rock bottom, he was in a terrible state. He was begging the GP and local alcohol services for help but to be honest they were useless when he was in crisis. He was admitted into private rehab for a 28 day program at a cost of £10k. I took him but made no commitment to have him back permanently in my life. He absolutely excelled in treatment. He did amazing and by the time he came out he was singing the praises of AA and doing 2 meetings a day via zoom. When he came out I allowed him back into my life and my sons life as he was a changed man. I’d never known this man as a non drinker. There was no suspicious behaviour, no walking the dog and returning wobbly. There were no white lies that were clearly lies. I gave up alcohol and we’ve not had any in the house. We had a wonderful 6 months until last week. It’s all gone wrong again. It started by him getting resentments about the AA meetings and then about AA and ended up the other night me finding a bottle of vodka on top of the wardrobe after he had walked the dog. I flipped and he ended up walking out at 1030pm and walking to his mums in a nearby town.

I’m absolutely torn, he’s still there but I spoke to him today, he’s saying it’s not fair on me and my son and he loves us to bits and dosnt want to upset us, he said he will come back to mine tomorrow. I believe he’s staying there to drink. I made it clear he can not come back here while he is drinking. My dilemma now is what do I do tomorrow if he says the right things, how do I believe him if he says he’s not going to drink. I don’t want to loose the sober him, I don’t want my son to loose the sober him but I don’t want either of us to have a relapsed alcoholic in our life either. I also am asking myself will this ever end ? Will I be going through this again in 6 months time or even a year. I’m actually quite gutted by all this and don’t know where or who to turn to this is such an awful position to be in.

[roundy]

Marnie, hello!

Your story is so so similar to mine. Im in the exact same position at the moment. He was 8 months sober, and it was fantastic. But now I feel like we are back to square one! It’s so difficult to deal with, isn’t it?! I just can’t get my head around it all. He was doing so well.

[mjmb]

And similar to mine. My husband was the ‘star pupil’ at rehab and came out telling me how well he’d done but within days he was drinking again. He blamed the rehab for not doing a good job! He’s never really stopped since- he has short periods when I can tell he’s not drinking but then something happens and he starts again. The wobbly you mention is always a give away…. He hasn’t admitted to himself that he still has a problem – I know for a fact he has attended more than one zoom AA meeting whilst drinking.

The advice I was given by the rehab place when I contacted them was to look after yourself and your children and to make sure you put yourself and your family first. They also told me to make sure I didn’t continue enabling his drinking and that the decisions he made were his and there was very little I could do to change things

It is the most horrible feeling when you realise that all that hope and hard work hasn’t changed things. I guess it doesn’t mean that it will never change but that depends on the person.

Take care of yourself and best wishes

[marnie]

Well he came back, it’s been a week, found an empty bottle of vodka yesterday under the wardrobe, he said it was from last week which as we’ve not had any wobble I think that’s right, he then went to the Shop for a beer today, he has lost all understanding of what an alcoholic is and is saying it’s ok he can just have one and be normal. I know it’s the alcohol which has got control of his brain again but I’m never going to believe a word he says. Is there anymore bottles hid around the house ? Absolute nightmare and won’t be getting any better ????

Think it has to be decision time tomorrow.

[afriend]

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[marnie]

So we’re a year on from my original post. I took the decision to have him back. All ok until July 21 then he goes off on a bender again. Again to the leach sister who facilitates the situation for her own ends, her addictions funded by his money. A few weeks on when the money has dried up and he’s begging to come back, again I caved. Made it clear it was the last time. 3 weeks ago he withdrew money from my account. I got a notification and rang him asking what on earth he was doing. I could tell he had been drinking, he said he had, I said well your not coming back here. Last I heard from him until yesterday. Same old at sisters, off his head, wants this and that from the house, he’s not had a change of clothes for 3 weeks. He was goading me via text but I was calm and didn’t give him the rise he was after. Eventually ignored him. A couple of hours later my 25 yr old daughter came round in floods of tears. He had been texting her saying he had feeling for her and always had and was drilling her phone with missed calls. As he never got on with her I do believe this was to get a rise out of me and her to be honest to make him the victim, as she’s hot headed like me !

After speaking to his mum it appears he left me ! Because of my secret eating apparently. I have a gastric sleeve so eat little and often. Nothing to do with the fact he can not drink at my house and it’s party central at his sisters, until the cash has gone.

I have given up what is now 4 years of my life, when sober he is intelligent, caring and a loving human being. When back on the drink and whatever he can get his hands on via his sister he is the most evil , lying, manipulative,nasty piece of work Iv ever come across.

Enough is enough, I’m out now for good. My daughters have now begged me never to have him back and I’m not going to come what may. They say I need someone who will respect me and make me happy. I know their right, but it still hurts ????

[Author]

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