[lece13]

Just been reading everyone’s posts on here and wanted to share my story for advice / guidance / support.

I’ve been with my partner for 17 years and have 3 young children together. He has had a cocaine addiction for the last 10 years. Previous to this he used it occassionaly at parties or going out with friends etc. Like most addicts it slowly ate away at him where he couldn’t resist it.

He has been in 2 comas through missuse. One of which he was close to death and doctors were worried he would have permanent brain damage. Both times he has thankfully pulled through with no lasting effects. He has tried to fight his addiction for many years. He has attended NA meetings, attempted to follow the 12 steps, communicated regularly with a sponsor and has kept close contact with like minded people trying to build a support network.

Previously he has managed 6 – 8 weeks clean before relapsing. Which to some might not sound alot, but it is better than constant missuse.

The last 2 years myself and his family have seen a massive change in him. More so the last 12 -18 months. It is like he has given up. He no longer has that fight or enthusiasm to try and attend meetings and get the help needed to try and stay clean. He is taking it most days or one day miss a day along with gambling heavily now. A newer addiction that has occurred through the initial coke addiction.

I’ve thrown him out of the family home numerous times. He has had 3 different flats over the last 18 months but still that has not motivated him to get clean.

He has never truly given up on our relationship. Meaning when I have gave him the chance to walk away and for us both to move on with our lives separately hes never outright done it. He’s always tried to stay in the picture and not just for the kids. Whether its been for the comfort from me and the support and not for love I don’t know. Either way he has never completely cut ties with me. Even taking me on holiday in October and staying at the family home some nights. However, in January I found out he had been seeing another woman for 5 months. Turns out he was drinking taking cocaine etc with her. This is something I have never done with him as would never encourage it. TBH the last time I think I even drank with him was about 8 years ago!!! It feels like a massive kick in the teeth. Everything I have done for him the support I have given him. The kids I have brought up more or less single handedly. My life which I have put on hold to help him and be a good mam and he has done this to me.

He said he has always loved me he just fell for her as we had drifted through the drugs and he was basically enjoying what he couldn’t do with me with her.

It’s like he is a different person. He has no emotion, empathy, he is cold, distant with the kids, constantly lost in his own mind. I can see him thinking and talking to himself in his head if that makes sense.

Like previously mentioned he is using everyday now. Its like he has lost all sense of reality. He can go days / week without even talking to his kids.

I know he is not with this woman at the minute but that doesn’t change the fact of what he has done.

How do I move forward from this. A part of me wants to blame the drugs and the person it has changed him into, but I don’t know if that is even true or just an excuse. What I do know is that cocaine has ruined his life and mine as well. It has killed our family, and has ate away at person that much that he is completely unrecognisable.

The lies, unfaithfulness, broken trust is this all through the coke?

[emjay]

firstly thank you for replying to my post.

Reading your story is very similar to mine.

It’s so hard to walk away, easier to keep making excuses for them and blame addiction.

My husband was dismissed from his job for using cocaine at work and engaging in sexual activities with a colleague in the work car park!

He blamed the drugs, I heard the same spill about enjoying drink and drugs with this women, because he couldn’t with me.

I can tolerate alot, but affairs can not be excused by their addictions. Its just enabling that behaviour on top of the lieing.

I’m on day 5 of his latest disappearing bender. My children have not asked for him once, we are all calmer. I feel an emptiness, my stomach is still in my throat through anxieties… but its not for his well being this time, its for the fear of him coming back and me giving in.

My husband will never stop, losing his family will just give him another excuse to use and pitty himself. His future is looking very bleek.

We know the answers to our own questions, its just being brave to take actions.

Lots of love xx

[lece13]

Hope you have had a more positive week!

Completely agree with knowing the answers to my questions, so why do I keep being weak by allowing him back in the house!

He has been clean a week tomorrow and has attended 2 NA meetings in this time. However, that has not put my mind at ease. The constant thinking, worrying and waiting for something to happen is so tyring.

The lack of feeling and emotions that he has displayed is just eating away at me this week. He goes on as normal although nothing is a matter whilst all the time showing no remorse for his actions.

I try to tell myself this is because he is not the same person through the drug missuse, but that still doesn’t make it any easier. It is such a hard slug especially when young children are involved.

Here is to eventually gaining the strength and courage I need to get on with my life. Taking the action that I so need.

[emjay]

Lece 13

A positive is he has taken steps….

Addiction is selfish… the journey and recovery more so.

They never acknowledge your feelings or the impact on anyone else…

Well I would not allow mine home. He did 5 days and 2 c.a meetings…

Today he’s taken my car to get to his meeting, my work keys, bag I stupidly left in car as he was in a rush….he went and has not returned after his Ca meeting.

His phone was on. Now off. Withdrawals made….. usually amount.

I’m stressed to hell, will lose business…. more money and can’t even get kids to school.

This is it. Removed him from my home…. hes still affecting me and the kids. He now will be removed from my life.

I’m so ill from this. My mental state is being impacted. I’m in a foreign country and need to start over!

I wish you luck and hope for the on going weeks. Lots of love xx

[lece13]

Sorry, just noticed your message. I haven’t been on much this past month, but having a difficult time at the moment and need to try and get my head together. Hoping some positive stories on here can help me through this tough period!

He went missing last Tuesday and returned on Thursday this is when I told him to get out and not come back. He hasn’t been in touch since. He seen the kids at the weekend. Only because he wanted the key for the caravan and he used the kids in order to get it. Since then he hasn’t spoke or seen them.

He has become a vile addict that doesn’t care about his 3 children. It’s so sad because my oldest (8) can see what is going on now and generally doesn’t want to see him. She cried at the thought of spending time with him last week. She sees the pain I am going through and feels for her mam.

I honestly wish I could get him out of my head and move on. Life would be so much easier. At times I wish there was a pill that just took all your feelings for that one person away.

I know I have to take each day as it comes and move one step forward in the hope of putting him in my past.

I do wonder if one day he will return and he will be remorseful for his actions, but at this present time I don’t see that happening. He is quite happy to carry on doing what he is doing. Living day to day with no goal for the future, having no responsibilities, and doing what he wants.

I’d never wish any bad on him as I know the drug has buried the person I fell in love with deep inside. However, I can’t help but feel dislike even hatred and bitterness towards the person he has become. In time I hope this passes to where I feel nothing.

I hope you are keeping well x

[emjay]

Only just saw this. Not been on in a while.

How are you? X

[heartbroken88]

I’m so sorry to read this. I hope you are ok. Thank you for sharing your story, I know how you feel in terms of the addiction, lack of emotion, the not letting go.

I only found out a few months ago my husband of only 4 years has been addicted to cocaine (every other day use) for at least the last two years of our marriage. It was a massive shock. We had a good life – good careers etc – on the outside we wanted for nothing. But inside it was miserable and I had no idea why. I put it down to becoming first time parents in a pandemic and him really struggling with the adjustment of fatherhood.

His unusual behaviour was noted – coinciding with me getting pregnant with our twins who i have also basically raised single handedly and am doing now as a single parent completely (they aren’t even 2).

He too goes days without checking in or asking about them. Even cut them off financially. That is hurtful in itself. Then he rings up / wants to see them, completely un- remorseful about anything.

It’s text book behaviour isn’t it. We cling to hope that one day they will phone up and be remorseful (and mean it) and want the life / person back that they were and the life we should be living.

We ask ourselves if we have been delusional- if our lives were ever even real. And we hide from friends because we are embarrassed to say what is really going on and why our marriages and father of our children are not in the pictures/ stepping up to responsibilities . It’s devastating.

I have started divorcing my husband and it’s the hardest most gut renvhing thing. I’ve wavered a few times on proceeding with it hugely.

I’ve offered a way back but he doesn’t see it. He just sees me as the the enemy. Sometimes I think I won’t find better or happiness. I get angry that this isn’t a common thing surely for people to go through. Affairs maybe?! Growing apart maybe? Being robbed a life by drugs – I don’t know many people I can relate to on that one. Being told over they don’t love you or like you and it’s your behaviour driving them to use, then occasional (rarely) being sent flowers and being told a divorce is hasty.

There are up and down days. I try to remember on the down days the hurt (in my case emotional and even physical once) and the person that is no more.

I too find days of calm when I don’t hear from him as awful as it sounds and I am slowly starting to prefer these days. My children get the best of me and it’s what they deserve.

He doesn’t understand my upset or anger or hurt, or even respect the job that I’m doing with his children – because without being rude he is basically incapable (the fact he doesn’t check in on them at an age where they require 24:7 care proves that). Just sees me as a nag. Tells me I shouldn’t have had children if I find some days particularly hard. It’s a shocking attitude and a selfish one.

I can’t say ive proof my husband cheated but I have a gut that he did. And as heartbreaking as it was to have this feeling (before I knew about the drugs) now I feel at peace with it. Because I am not the person he is – I have never used drugs and point blank would not use drugs and if he prefers the company of someone who does then so be it. And if they aren’t drug users themselves then they will only be getting manipulated and hurt in the same way as me. Not until they are ‘recovered’ will a relationship be for them what it was for us in the beginning. We can however go on (as hurtful as it feels to think) to make new meaningful ones. Which is what I hope one day I may do when I’ve healed a little and got more time/ not in lock down!

It’s not easy but know there are us here who completely 100% get it.

It’s like they read a textbook of how to behave. Xxx

[lece13]

Firstly thank you for your reply. Everything you have said is so true. They are textbook material when it comes to behaviour.

I’m having a difficult time at the moment, and finding it hard to cope mentally. I’ve been here before and pushed through, except this time I feel its the end of the book rather than the chapter.

The same scenario, same traits and usual behaviour as previous times except this time he hasn’t even tried to contact. I don’t know if this is what’s making me feel worse. Obviously, the addict in him has never cared, but there was still a little part of the person i fell in love with in there somewhere who previously tried to reach out after a blow out.

This time he’s driving around with his friend as though everything is fine not one bit bothered about his kids. I’m working from home, taking the kids to and from school, looking after a little one, making teas, bathing them, and doing the cleaning etc. Whilst he just sees to himself. It infuriates me!

You get a point where you think he deserves everything he gets in life for the lack for consideration, feeling and emotion he displays to his children and their mother.

I know I’ll keep plodding on. It is much easier when he is out of sight as the saying goes out of mind. The only thing is he does keep popping up in my head, however it could be worse if I seen him in person.

Hope you and kids are doing OK. Take care x

[emjay]

Hi Lece13

Sounds like things are still very much a living nightmare. Have you used any of the wellbeing services on line?

You really need to put you first now and your children. He clearly isn’t ready to start his recovery.

It’s taken me 2 decades to learn that I can not fix addiction, to stop enabling it and to put me first. My career was even around it. It was not healthy!

My loved one is doing ok in his journey of not using. I am not part of this journey now, because I can never forget or trust him and a huge part of me is just awaiting his next lapse.

I’m proud he is working on him, he’s still very much in the early stages, but this time he seems to want to be clean.

I will never trust him, always question him and never ever forgive him for choosing a decade of drug use over his wife and family. I am not able to be around him as anything but the mother of his kids.

I love him, but he destroyed me mentally. He is recovering and I’m recovering from years of battling with his addiction and the mental torture he inflicted on me from his addiction.

We see him. He’s now a much better dad. Every time I weaken I remind myself he’s an addict and all the years I wasted crying.

Please look after you. Do not waste your life trying to battle his addiction. We can not fix others.

My husband said he had to literally lose everything to see this wasn’t what he wanted to live like or die from. I had to let go…. to start living again.

Love, hope and hugs xx

[lece13]

Hiya – yeah you are absolutely right it is time to start putting myself first.

I’m still on that rollercoaster where some days i feel better and hopefull in moving forward. Then other days my mind starts working overtime thinking about all the events, the what ifs, where is he etc. It’s crazy how your mind works. Had a cpl of positive days, but today has been the first time we have spoke and it has set me back / off track.

I think it would be easier to have no contact at all, but that is difficult when children are involved. To be fair he’s not committed to them at the minute anyway. Just pops up when it suits him.

Just got to keep plodding on.

I am happy to hear your husband is taking positive steps. I pray he continues on the long winding road to recovery.

I’m pleased you are also doing well and feeling much better. Just goes to show how clearing your mind from all the negativity can help your recovery.

You don’t realise how lost you are when you are caught up in it all. Its not until you loosen the grip with the addict that you see yourself again.

Fingers crossed you continue in this new direction. There is hope out there for your future and likewise mine if I keep moving forward!

Xx

[thistim3]

Hope that you are all doing well.

[thistim3]

‘The lies, unfaithfulness, broken trust is this all through the coke?’

No.  It can’t be.  There are too many steps to get there. Our addicts choose these behaviors for their coveted drug/drink. They know what they are doing and choose to do it anyway.  You have described the traumatic life of a woman in love and totally committed to an addict.  It is lonely, scary, and confusing to watch this person that you love change into something else – when you are looking right at them.  They don’t magically change back into who they WERE before drugs after they quit the drugs.  Don’t be fooled. The devil is running this show. If your decision is to stay, leave, or somewhere inbetween – then add this part into your decisions.

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