[meandfi]

My son is 21, and his problems started at around 13. He went from a kind and helpful kid, albeit one who never had any interest in school/ sport- to an aggressive, sometimes violent person who lied constantly and stole everything we had he could sell, to fuel what started as a cannabis habit, and progressed to everything else apart from heroin. We had to put locks on all the doors to try and keep him away from anything valuable, but he would just kick them in when we were out. He left home the first time at 15, and was put into a type of hostel for problem children. At 16 they threw him out because he was abusive, didn’t follow any regime, didn’t show up at any meetings….. So we picked him up and brought him home. The next few years were like Groundhog Day…. progress for a few weeks, then back to square one. He agreed to go to a residential rehab we found, but once we got there, he kicked off, and they said they couldn’t take him.

When My son was 18, his father, my husband was diagnosed with leukeamia, spent 7 months in hospital, and passed away 2 and a half years ago. My son wouldn’t stop his drug habit, couldn’t hold down a job, had no respect for our home, and continued to steal, and I wasn’t prepared to have my house smell of cannabis every day, so 8 months later, we agreed that I would rent him a room in a shared house, so he could “live” his life the way he wanted, without it being in my face, to give us the chance of maintain some kind of relationship. I agreed to pay for 3 months, in which time he had to get work/ get housing benefit or just do anything for himself. Within 9 months, he had been thrown out of 3 houses – each time, I found a new one. I couldn’t have him home, but couldn’t see him homeless. Last Sept I got him into a residential rehab, and I genuinely thought we had turned a corner. It lasted 4 months, during which time I actually “liked” my son for the first time in many years. But again, his complete disregard for any rules/ behaviours meant they asked him to leave. He came home, stayed clean for 4 weeks, and they agreed to take him back. One week later he walked out, took a train to London, and took whatever £100 could buy him, before calling me the next day. The last 7 months have been a continuation of me finding houses/ him screwing it up./ going missing for a few weeks/ me driving round looking for him. Today I found out he left the house he was in 2 weeks ago, having stolen money from the friend of his landlord. I haven’t heard from him/ been able to reach him in 2 weeks, have checked his usual suspect friends, nobody has heard from him.

I am so angry that he is putting me through this again. Every time he goes missing, I’ve told him that I think he has died, either from some violence/ overdose/ other – and all I want is to know he is alive, because I imagine his funeral over and over.

I’m so sorry for my long rant. I just needed to get it out. My friend already find it hard to deal with my husbands death, so I’ve stopped talking about my son ( if they ask, which they normally don’t anymore) because it doesn’t help me to hear them saying how selfish he is being, and how he should appreciate everything he has. I am allowed to not like him much, but nobody else is. I just want someone to solve it now x

[2468]

My son is 30 and much the same lies steals is aggressive always has been. We go round in circles he has never been to rehab only just agreed to Dr’s and councerling but how long it lasts I don’t know. All I know is I want a life but mine is on hold he has all my spare cash I now I shouldn’t give him it but he asks everyday and unless you going through it u have no idea how hard it is our job as a mother is so hard I’m so sad at times my husband his stepfather tries to understand but he dosnt I can’t see him homeless so like you I’m stuck. I love him but dislike what he does also there mental health problems get worse. My other grown up children dispair off him ur not alone but it feels like it sometimes. Do u worry all the time I do and people say u can’t do anything but they not living it pls take care I know it affects my health

[lucy28]

My Mum was my twin brothers main carer after my dad died of lung cancer. My brother was drinking drugs crack, she had to sleep with her bag because he’d steal was intimidating. She did everything for him she got him supported housing rehab etc, collected prescriptions he took over her life and i said to her if anything ever happens to you I am not doing it neither his older brother as we have our own young families. Mum died suddenly, i did actually help him move in to another place but he mucked it up again and again and again. He ended up sleeping rough as i couldn’t have him around my kids with his lifestyle again and i was grieving.

Anyway he ended up in hosp with pneumonia and because he had no one else he got put into a hostel and now has a flat. Sometimes if people know there is a support network there they are reluctant to help.

[meandfi]

It’s so hard – I’ve been told he needs to hit “rock bottom” before he can turn his life around…… but how much lower can you get than being homeless and living on the streets?????

When I got him into rehab, everyone else was 30 – 60 years old, mostly people who had spent the best part of their lives in prison…….. and even the rehab people told me he was “ too young” for rehab!

There is no part of what he is doing to himself that I get, and no part of “ too young for rehab” that I get.

The only reason he is not in prison is through pure luck…… but I’m at the point where I hope he gets caught for something ( non violent) and goes to prison, because maybe that’s rock bottom??? But then, prisons are full of drugs!!!!!

Sorry for ranting……. I just don’t see a solution

[lucy28]

I totally understand, my brother has avoided prison in his 37 years and there are times I’d wished he was there but like you say they are full of drugs.

Since i last posted.my brother has texted me and his older brother asking for money for “beer” but i know the desperation he’s in it must be for drugs………and so it goes on!

[meandfi]

From what the rehab people told me, addiction is all one thing – drugs lead to alcohol ( a lot of the time) and alcohol leads to drugs.

It’s clear that their minds aren’t right that they feel they can con us over and over again ——— on the other hand, maybe it’s our minds that need testing when we keep falling for it ( even though we know what we are doing is wrong) x

[lucy28]

I remember my Mum went to a carer meeting and by her or us giving him money we are being his enablers.

I wish someone would just give me an answer or the right or wrong thing to do xx

[meandfi]

It’s true – that is what they say.

On the other hand, most of the people working in rehab were ex addicts, and the program leader told me that he was helped by someone who “ was always there and never let him down”

I guess we have to listen to the experts, but I am confused about what rock bottom means ( and how you know to step in before the do something they can’t come back from) and how not to let my son down without enabling him x

[2468]

I am the same i give my son money I know it’s wrong I just don’t know how to cope watching him anymore. It’s consuming my life but I’m his mum it’s alright theses people saying what we should do its doing it im not strong enough at the moment.

[Author]

Posts