[dot]

So yeah my name is Dazza, I’ve been addicted to cocaine for 7 years.

I got with my wife 9 years ago. Everything was good I got married to her 5 years ago.

After this I started cocaine. It started as a secret habit that turned into a big problem. Using everyday and its affected everything in my life. I’ve tried quitting a few times and its never planned out properly.

Recently it got that bad that she said she was talking to someone else and I over reacted and took he car that I wasnt insured on went out and was placed on bail and couldn’t see my own children.

Since that day I haven’t touched a line. Nothing. I’ve stopped myself I’m on day 13. The problem I have is that she doesn’t want to fix our marriage now. I have looked up the effects of addiction and I’ve pretty much done everything that it says. I’ve lied, stolen, been out for days on end off my box and just basically trampled all over her. I’ve never been violent physically but I guess the mental effects have left its mark.

Right now am set on never touching the drug again because I’ve lost everything. I’m unsure on what I do rebuilding and regaining trust. I dont want to lose her and I do think it can be fixed but she wont trust anything I say. I really am set this time on not relapsing and sticking with it but I’m punishing myself on the fact I’ve had chance after chance after chance. Where do I start? What do I do. I’ve stopped taking any cocaine but shes heard it all before and yeah I just feel lost. She doesn’t care.

I dont blame her it’s my actions that did this. Is there hope for me and how long will I feel regret for… like I said I wont relapse. We’ve set up contact with out children I’ve seen them the last 2 days. I just dont know the way forward.

Basically I’m lost and I will keep doing what I’m doing. What would anyones advice be going forward??? I’m on day 14 and I have a long way to go I know but I’m set on beating this now. I just neee guidance

Really feel like just going. Dont wanna give up but I think I have too now. I hurt that much my head tells me to just go and leave everything. I’m living in so much guilt its unreal. Just feel like going away completely and just starting a whole new life. Really struggling to cope not just because of her it’s a combination of things.

[ash2013]

Hi Dazza,

As the wife of a recovering addict, you might need to give her time.

You’ll go through a period of about 6-8 weeks of feeling crap, but the end result will be the best thing that ever happened to you.

My husband was doing coke daily for a long time, and he’s 5 months clean. I did stick with him, because I thought if I didn’t he would spiral into self destruct and our child might end up with no dad. I think if we didnt have a child I probably wouldn’t have stayed. The negatives outweighed the positives, and I was scared of him. He never physically abused me, but the mental abuse was possibly even worse. He too made accusations of my fidelity, because he was paranoid, and also because he had been unfaithful he assumed I must be too.

Don’t give up giving up, give her time, give her space. Let her know you love her and apologise. It doesn’t make you weak saying sorry. Time is a healer, you have to give up for you, not for anyone else.

I hope you have some support around you. My husband ate quite a lot in the first couple of months of stopping, dont worry about that, he’s back to normal weight now.

Stay off the beer, eat well, take up some exercise and you can be you again, and not a slave to an evil drug that has taken the old you and crumpled you up.

Here if you need to talk 🙂

[charley]

Hi Ash,

Sorry if this is not the right place- I’m new here. But the story of your husband giving up coke gives me hope – I found out a year and a half ago my fiancee had a cocaine addiction. We’ve been together nearly 8 years and are meant to be getting married next year. He said he wants to get clean and has agreed to see a counsellor, but it feels like such a rollercoaster and I don’t know what to do. The thought of leaving him breaks my heart, but I know I can’t live like this forever.

[ash2013]

Hi Charley,

No problem. I’m probably not the best person to answer, yes my husband is clean (5 months) but I have been here before, and the dread of the return of the addict is here always. I love him, and clean he is wonderful. On coke he’s not.

I have to live my life still thinking about him all the time, its exhausting, Learned experience makes me think ‘how will he react’ to literally every thing I do or decision I make. Thats not a good way to be. But I’m still here because there is a good man here.

There is no point setting boundaries and not following them through, if he wants to stop he will, but the consequences need to be instilled so they are clear.

Coke is an evil sly drug, it tricks people into thinking they have it under control, then boom, they dont, and theres nothing you can do about it by then.

Here if you need to talk 🙂 Thinking of you x

[dot]

Well basically she just said she doesn’t understand addiction and never will. She said I chose drugs over her it’s a fair comment. She says even if I stick to my plan and go rehab there is no hope so yeah.

I’m on week 2 and my emotions are everywhere its unbelievable indeed like am just stuck . My heads an absolute mess not gonna lie. But I know I will get there eventually its just hard right now.

Thabkyou for the advice though

[robb]

Best thing you could do is continue keeping yourself clean, remind her every day that you will do whatever it takes to show her and your child that you want to be back in their life’s. if you make a promise with her, keep it.

She might be at the end of her tether, you may need to stand back and think she may just want some happiness in her life.

But I hope you stay clean and hope she relies that you are trying.

All the best.

[kklost]

Dazza I’m replying to you, while also asking a question.

I plan on testing my husband regularly and I will write a journal with every test/date/time in it. Tonight will be his first test and I hope it shows positive so I can see the change to negative, This is def for me. But also for him.

Can you do this? Would this help put her mind at rest? As I sure won’t be believing my husband when he says he will stay clean ever ever again. But I will believe a test.

Others on here, what do you think?

[dot]

Morning everyone, I am not actually trying to get back with her. I just want things to be amicable. We had a lot of arguments yesterday regarding the children and she is very hurt. We did alot of shouting over the phone then actually talked a little. I feel myself now that I don’t want to be with her I really dont. I’m scared that maybe she could be the trigger to why I used to use. We are both trying to get along but I see no future with us. I rely appreciate everyone’s feedback I really do. I’m not saying I’m giving up because in all honesty I want her to forgive and understand my actions so that I can move on myself and feel better but that may never happen.

And Kk all tests start negative then the second line comes. Can you elaborate on it?

I think that if he is scared of doing it it can cause a row aswell. Goodluck.

Regards Daz

[kklost]

How are you doing Daz?

[dot]

I’m good thankyou day 29 today.

Engaging in my CBT therapy next appt is June 25th

My ex wife is now meeting other people etc butbits getting easier for me. Acceptance is hard but I just get on with it.

I’m noticing my calmness and happiness slowly coming back and I’m learning to love myself again my likes and dislikes etc.

I’m physically healthy again on the outside gaining weight I’m nearly 12 stone I was 10 and half a month ago. My mental health isnt too great but it’s getting better day by day I’m waking up happy ????

And im sleeping normally again and waking up early. This new life is great I’m totally against the drug and wont ever go back like I said.

I’m looking healthy and I’m getting here. I’m slowly returning to my old self before drugs. I’m excited myself because I know I’ve get a very bright and optimistic future

Ty for asking how are you?

[kklost]

This is great news!!! I am so glad you have nearly done a month. That has gone fast.

When you say ex is seeing other people, do you mean romantically? That must be so hard for you. But you sounds pretty together about it.

Let me know what the CBT is like.

We are doing ok, into 2.5 weeks and all drug tests are clean. He seems much more like himself now and is sleeping again. Albeit using doctor prescribed sleeping pills, so hopefully these will stop soon.

Social Services haven’t been a major issue either, but keeping an eye on us. They want to video call with the children so that will be next we suppose.

[dot]

No shes only just having a bit of fun but I leave her too it that’s her choice now. My moods are still up and down but nowhere near what I was like before.

The CBT is good and very helpful so far it gives me a different perspective and outlook on things.

I dont need help sleeping st all. The over eating has calmed down aswell it’s like I’m starting to enjoy life and enjoy things again.

And am glad SS are helping you they are there to help so work with them

X

[dot]

Officially 1 month clean today. 31 days ????????

Doing well. Working nand trying to live a much better drug free life

Not 1 slip. Not out myself around it and changed my friend base.

Ty everyone whoa had input and helped

[robb]

Well done Dot!

[kklost]

That month has gone sooo fast! Well done you!!!! You can do this!!!

Only person you owe is you, so keep at it!!!

[ash2013]

Fab work Dot!

Amazing things happen to those who believe 🙂

[ash2013]

How are you doing Dazza?

[jorge15]

Speak to your go about your mental health and be as honest as you can. They might be able to give you something that can help in the short term.

[dot]

I have. He said once I’ve done 6 months the are going to refer my to a psychiatrist. If they refer me now the referral will come back because I’ve not been abstained long enough.

And kklost no definitely not I cant afford to slip! Theres no room for error I’ve made a life choice. It also helps that people said I will never do it so am motivated to prove everyone wrong.

When I see my kids it reminds me why I’m doing it and also gives me strength to continue doing it for myself and them

[dot]

Just seen my emails today

Day 50 today ????????

Things are alot easier. Cravings are next to none.

My erratic behaviour has dissipated. I’m thinking clearly. I’m calm and finding self happiness.

My ex still hates me she says trying to wind me up yesterday messaging but I genuinely dont care at all 0 emotion 0 feeling. She was also slagging me off but got 0 reaction from me. I treat her like I’m one dimensional now so if she says something I just give her blunt replies and smile.

She was tryna call me a druggie etc etc I’ve said when I’m at day 90 I’ll do a hair strand for her and she can swivel on it.

17th may was last time I used when it happened. It’s like something in my head clicked and I cant go back to that life… never. The anxiety during the withdrawal Stage was unbelievable. I’m in week 7 so not long till it’s completely extinct from my system all guidelines state 10 weeks.

This Is for a lifetime but after week 10 lifes meant to be much easier.

I did this on my own the hard way. Was homeless with no money no job and no one.

I’ve got alot more money even bought myself a new car. Bought the kids an electric bicycle aswell the other day.

I have a job I have family I have new friends.

I list what am grateful for everyday. Last night I listed about 20 things. When I started I could only do 1 or 2

But thankyou for asking ????

[kklost]

I was starting to worry, as hadn’t heard from you!

Good for you not getting worked up by it! Better person than me. I’m getting more stroppy as the days go by I think! Lol. Hubby has done 6 weeks now clean. He’s still taking the drug tests.

Glad you aren’t having any cravings. How long did it take for them to stop?

[dot]

Heres my progress

https://ibb.co/y4wkw6V

These images auto delete after a week. I’m not fussed if people see me aswell with how far I’ve come I’m never going back

[kklost]

Blimey you look so much better!!! Beautiful children too.

Keep going!!!!!

[dot]

The cravings stopped for me after 3 weeks. My anxiety went through the roof though.

My behaviour strops Stopped like a week ago they was getting better anyway. What I mean is them little strips over something little. I had a little outburst feeling sorry for myself. (Not with her just with a friend) and since that I’ve been calm no outbursts and no anger or resent towards anyone.

[dot]

And well done to your husband his behaviour should be still fixing itself but It should be miles better lol. Be proud of him !!

[kklost]

Thanks. I’m trying to be. Hard

[kklost]

Thanks for that, I think we are two weeks off that stage. Which can’t come soon enough, he’s been pushing me a lot!

So glad you are doing well, was starting to wonder if you may have fallen off the wagon.

Onwards and upwards!

[kklost]

I bet seeing the kids keeps you focus. Nothing more important than them

[ash2013]

Oh great to hear you’re doing well Daz, you can even see the improvement too. I used to look at my husband and he looked angry/frowning like all the time, but now he’s not, and neither are you. You look content!

I’m so happy for you!! And you Kklost, good to hear from you too. Your husband is doing so well 🙂

Just got to help everyone else now, LOL x

[kklost]

Thanks Ash. Appreciate that.

I think now he’s more stable, he always knew when I found out that would be ‘it’ – I am so against anything dodgey/wild… whatever the word is. So maybe it was only a matter of time!

How are things with your husband? Hope you are ok!

I have organised a counsellor for me and start 13th July.

[ash2013]

Things are good here thank you Kklost, thank you for asking.

I feel like we have turned a corner, its been a long road though!

Good work on the counsellor, I havent been back to mine since lockdown, I probably should, but I feel ok, so I’m not too worried. The constant state of high alert/worry is dissipating by the day, so I’m not on edge all the time.

Pleased to hear you are doing well x

[kklost]

That’s so good! I can’t wait to be in that position.

How long has it been ok now for you and your hubby?

I felt so angry and just angry with him. So I felt I should talk it through with someone. Start next week and not sure what to expect.

This is such hard work! All of it

[ash2013]

My husband has been clean since basically just after Christmas. So we are in Month 7. The fact we had lockdown probably helped as he has to draw to go out.

He has mentioned going for a meal with some friends at some point, well the fact its a meal, and he’s choosing the friends on the basis that he wont choose anyone he knows who does coke…. I have to give him some slack, or he’ll end up hating me. Thats a way off anyway, you can’t meet more than one other household to eat inside at the moment, thank goodness. I will worry that evening!

x

[ash2013]

He wouldn’t have gone for a meal before, whats the point when you arent ever hungry (apart from on a come down) x

[dot]

I went out for an hour on saturday but It was strictly an hour then went to a cousins house (safe zone) (drug free)

I went out today on a date had a nice day in blackpool went for something to eat. I’m genuinely really really happy and becoming content on my own.

I’ve promised myself I will learn to love myself again and that’s what am doing. Not been this happy in a very very long time. I feel like my marriage was over years back when I think about it rationally and it’s the best choice we made. I dont feel attraction to her and I dont even feel anything when I look at her I just feel like eww what was I doing I guess which is quite sad. And I’m actually starting to find that happiness finally.

I felt a bit of past guilt today because I felt I was having fun but I didnt have kids with me but I suppose that will just take getting used too it’s still early days!

The meal idea is perfect It may get him to adapt to going out again. And also do you both some good you should both go!!

[dot]

Still on straight and narrow. Lifes getting good again and I’m really happy. Day 67 today

Pic update

[kel1]

You look so happy. Well done Dot ????

[kklost]

For some reason I can’t see these today.

So glad to hear you are still doing well! Day 67! Wow! Has flown by!!

[kklost]

How are you doing?

[dot]

I’m on day 92 today and I’m doing really well.

I still dont get along with my ex wife but injustice speak to her mum now regarding the kids. Divorce is on the cards.

I haven’t had any slips and knowni wont ever go back.

I’m seeing someone else now but its still early days and we are taking things slow. I made her aware of my past and she knew me before anyway and has helped me through alot. All I can do now is look forward to my future but thankyou for asking.

Up until day like 70 things were hard. The anxiety in general was worse than ever.

Noe it’s like I’m back to me 8 years ago but alot more wiser. It’s amazing to be me and I mean that. Theres no anger or hate and no sadness anymore. I’m just living a really happy life finally

[kklost]

Hi Dot, really glad to hear that you are doing so well.

Glad you feel so solid and confident about not going back, that’s so important.

From the ex wife’s point of view it must be really hard not to hate you. I feel so much anger towards my husband and what he’s put us through. And still putting us through.

Must hurt her to see you moving on with someone new.

Glad your new partner is fully in the know. That’s so vital, vital for you to continue getting well!

[dot]

Hi just a quick update.

I am day 105 I think I stopped counting now.

Everything is going really well now. Me and the ex wife don’t really argue now and I have the children on set days etc and she let’s me have them when I’m free if I call and ask.

Still seeing someone and she’s lovely and knows about everything.

Working 4 days a week and starting college in 2 weeks while working part time.

Hope everyone is well.

[sickworried]

Dazza…..wow! You have done so well and come so far. It is amazing to hear that you are happy now and making such wonderful progress in your life. You reached on the forum to me when I needed help and I can see how much you have tried to help others too. That is a beautiful thing. I really wish I could help my husband to get better but he doesn’t want to admit he has a problem at all. Your story has made me realise how long the anxiety and pain lasts for between the dug use – but if he doesn’t think he needs help, I can’t do very much and being with him is just an unsafe and desperately unhealthy environment for me to be in. Once again….so happy for you.

[coco1212]

It’s so nice to hear about a positive outcome. My on/off partner has been doing crack for at some point this month 18 months. I found out in October and told him to leave. My whole world fell apart it still is that way. I’ve asked him to get help and he says he wants to but he doesn’t. He’s done nothing to get help. On our baby’s 1st birthday we was raided he had a small amount of something and now the social services, council and what feels like the whole world knows. He doesn’t seem to care. I feel like he’s doing all of this and I’m the one being punished for it. I know some of you may think I’m being selfish by saying that but I do. I terrified of losing my kids and home, terrified that he may end up dead if he carries on but he doesn’t want to listen he just says I’m bitching all the time. When I’m trying to make him see that this is no life. He’s now in my garden in a caravan which the council have said it has to go. I just don’t know what to do. The social services have said they may force myself and the children to cut him off. I mean can they do that ? Can they control your life ?

[dot]

Sorry for the late replies been away with my new partner.

The hard thing to accept when using is taking responsibilities for your own actions. The lies the manipulation and the control becomes a way of life that I suppose you just get used to as a user and also vice versa because you accept it the other way.

It has took me 3 years of repeatedly trying to even get this far but until I knew I’d lost everything I would have never changed… I didn’t want to stop deep inside because I knew I could carry on getting away with it. I would be snappy and exert horrible behaviours making my ex wofe feel worthless. I’m not making am excuse but I never realised how bad I was until I got to week 8 of being clean.

My honest personal opinion is that someone will not change until they lose everything and they are cut off. No borrowing money. No shoulder to lean on. No nothing. Me and my ex wife have started talking amicably again now and I’m gonna give her a link to this thread so maybe she can share her feelings on this post… it’s a bitter pill to swallow but the honest truth is.

Until that switch in your head clicks and you realise you have a problem and you want to actually stop using and you accept your selfish behaviours. A user will never change. You have to change your whole way of life. Know what triggers you. Know what to avoid.

I go to the gym regular and use creatine. I get my mum to put the mix in because looking at the white powder is a trigger.

The first thing I did was prepare. I had multivitamin tablets and fruit juice every morning for first 9 days.

Then I got active. Started with walks then jogs and runs.

During all this was routine. Going to bed at a set time. Even if you can’t sleep I kept my arse in that bad and I made sure I got up. Also the over eating. I’d sit and eat a 16 inch pizza to myself some nights I was constantly hungry. But eating was key to stopping cravings.

On the 3rd week the anxiety took its toll. It was unbelievable. Panic attacks and night sweats. This was when I engaged I’m cbt. The physical side effects had gone mostly but the mental side effects stayed up until week 9 or 10.

At week 10 the behaviour had fully settled the anger had gone. The smile i had years ago has returned.

You have to tell yourself this is a life choice and just 1 key can take you back to an unhappy situation and ruin everything you have.

My conclusion is that if he’s got away with it for so long he’s not gonna change unless he loses everything and am sorry to say that.

[dot]

Social services will get involved if they think you aren’t protecting your children. My honest opinion is have him removed or go somewhere to a family members.

They have to see you are putting your kids first and not in a dangerous situation with someone who’s vulnerable.

If they think your children are in danger them will remove them and trust me I know because I seen it happen with a few people at the drug service I go too.

If you tell them you want help to get him gone they will help you….

Listen while am giving you advice sorry to be blunt but my ex would of done the same to me. Your children will always come first and there safety is your job as a parent. Difference with me was I never went back or had my children when I was off my face. Doesn’t make me any better but it’s all down to the risk assessment.

[danman83]

I’m the same as you dazza. But my problem is just once a week or every 2 week. My gf is quite good to be fair with me. God knows why.

But going back to your question, and I really can’t give advice, but just get yourself sorted 1st. That’s what they teach you in recovery. Think of yourself, get yourself clean and everything else falls into place. It might of only been a few week since you used. But thats nothing. You can even tell yourself you won’t use again. But your brain tricks you into using. Just keep showing her things that’s proving you are doing your best. Eg.. Meetings, apps, drug test.

[coco1212]

Dot I think that message was for me. Im not an addict I’d never touch the stuff and the reason I don’t see him as a danger is because he barely sees his children even living on our front garden in a caravan and he never sees them without me being around.

[dot]

142 days am at now 🙂 New girlfriend thats official :). For some reason ive felt a bit of depression creep back in but i know myself its a phase that will pass.

no cravings

no anxiety

but in general am good. hope everyone is well

[coco1212]

That’s brilliant

[dot]

L

[kklost]

How are you doing?

My hubby is 5.5 months clean. So relieved.

[dot]

Kk so happy for you ???? hope things are much better. This Tuesday I’ll be officially 6 months clean.

What a different life it is. I’d never go back. I’m working 2 jobs and full time college

My kids are more settled and happier

Me and my ex get along much better

My family is much closer

My friends are all supportive

I’ve applied for uni for next year. So much has changed.

Thanks everyone on here aswell for sharing stories and helping me see what damage I did and understand the impact it has on families.

[kklost]

Dot, this is great. I am so impressed and I believe you won’t go back! 6 months is such a long time and look at everything you have achieved.

My hubby is working really hard at staying clean and I do finally feel like it will happen now.

Covid has buggered up everything for us both work wise. So if that could calm down we would be better off.

[lindyloo]

Hi Guys

Just noticed your thread, great to hear such good news and positivity.

Dot: you should be so proud of yourself, your family too.

Kk: Great news about your husband, such a relief for you all.

The future looks good for you all.

My son is 30days clean so far, fingers and toes crossed.

Lx

[kklost]

L- that’s great. What is he doing to keep straight?

My hubby has no money at all, he has given his whole salary to me each month. NA meetings AA meetings and 1-2-1 counselling every week and so far it’s kept him on track.

But being out of work this month hasn’t helped x

[lindyloo]

Fortunately he has a job, which he’s good at working from home, which suits him atm. That keeps him busy Monday to Friday. In evenings its daily online meetings, occasional face to face.

Starts the day meditation, we have bank card so no temptation at weekends.

I’m so proud of him I know it’s hard, we have daily contact as he lives alone.

He’s gotta keep busy, though, diy, painting etc. No counselling, only support from his groups.

Lx

[kklost]

That all sounds so encouraging! Glad he is doing so well.

He is lucky to have you supporting him through it. I’m sure he appreciates it a lot! It’s been super hard times.

[lindyloo]

Thank you Kk, we wouldn’t be on this forum if we didn’t care right?

Lots of prayer too – got a black belt in it now!

Take care

Lx

[dot]

Thankyou for the positive comments. Yes my family are all proud and very supportive.

Lindy congrats to your husband 30 days. That’s the most hard time fighting the anxiety and depression it’s gonna be a tough 6 weeks from here but I’m sure with the support you give him he can do it. The irritability will calm down in a few weeks and the anxiety.

Just always remember him to keep his belly full of food and eat 3 meals a day and the cravings are easier.

It’s amazing seeing a person blossom and come back to there old selves

[lindyloo]

Thanks Dot,

Yeah, hes eating us outta house and home just now, which is good though. He was told at his meetings to avoid feeling hungry, he gets hangry! But I guess it’s part of withdrawal.

Thanks for your encouraging words, keep strong guys,

Lx

[dot]

Lindy after a couple more weeks the over eating will calm down. When it does if he can get him exercising. His body has had a lack of nutrients so he’s making up for it. Plenty of vitamins and fruit juice he will be good.

I’m so glad he’s managed to start doing it it really does get easier. I look at myself now and think what an absolute state I was in. I’m back to my old cheeky and witty self.

And yes the sex drive comes back with a vengeance… Mine did anyway lol

Recovery can be beautiful

[lece13]

Hi dazza – I have been reading this thread and your posts and firstly I’d like to say how amazing you are for all your hard work in getting / keeping yourself clean!! As well as supporting people on this forum.

My partner has been battling a cocaine addiction for 10 years now and what a rollercoaster these years have been. He has been in two comas, gambled loads of money and cheated!

We have 3 children together which makes everything so more difficult. He has went through phases of going to NA, following 12 steps even tried meditation and yoga, but it never lasts. The addiction comes back with vengeance.

I have a QA to ask you based on a comment you made in one of yours posts about sex drive. I hope you don’t find this intrusive and you don’t need to answer but does coke affect your sexual desire when not using? Does it have an effect on your feelings?

[lindyloo]

Thanks for that Dot, I’ll keep that in mind about stocking up on healthy stuff.

Re sex drive…it’s my son who has the addiction not hubby thankfully!

I’ll keep that info to myself ????

Yes, looking forward to full recovery.

Thanks again Lx

[kklost]

That’s great news! Well done you!!! My hubby has done over 7 months now and is starting to enjoy life more. We even had a little family outing today and was very stress free.

Hopefully it all continues for you and don’t give up! You have done amazing!

[kklost]

That’s great news! Well done you!!! My hubby has done over 7 months now and is starting to enjoy life more. We even had a little family outing today and was very stress free.

Hopefully it all continues for you and don’t give up! You have done amazing!

[lindyloo]

Hi all

Fantastic news, well done Dot!!

The festive period is always going to be a difficult time for people in recovery.

My son is also still clean 70 days..I thank God, what a difference it’s making to his life and ours. He’s doing his daily online meetings, working through the “steps”. I’m so grateful to the guys in the fellowship who’s supporting him.

I’m also grateful for the help and support here, so many helpful and kind people.

Wishing you all a Happy and Healthy New Year.

Stay strong ????

Lxx

[kklost]

Lindy loo – so pleased for you. Exactly what he needs and he sounds like he is working really hard.

[lindyloo]

I’m so pleased for you too Kk, it’s such a relief isn’t it, you can see a Ray of light now.

I hope and pray it continues for everyone on this forum.

Take care ❤

Lx

[kklost]

Huge ray of light! When I first joined here it felt bleak. I was in shock and completely clueless to my husbands issues. For a while I didn’t even think we would last. It’s been a lot of work, couples counselling and his own counselling. Still got a long way to go. This never ends I realise, but it can be easier x

[laylab1]

Hi Dazza, I been following your msgs on here ever since you posted first time, just wondering how are you? I hope all is well and stay safe.

[dot]

Hi I’m good thankyou was going to post a few days back I nipped on.

I’ve had a great Christmas. Not slipped still I just think that life’s behind me now but I know not to ever get complacent.

Still in college and doing really well thanks for asking and with my new partner now

[dot]

7 months 2 weeks 6 days clean

[laylab1]

I am so proud of you it that even makes sense since I don’t know you lol

I been reading you story over past few months and you truly have come a long way! Great job! Your story should definitely be inspiration to others that want to quit.

Stay safe

[hw12]

So pleased for you dot, you have given me some great advice when I have needed it at some really hard times in 2020. You have done amazing. Well done!

[dot]

Thankyou am glad to be a help to you all I’ll just continue doing what I need to do ????

[dot]

.

[dot]

Officially 9 months clean today…

What a journey I’ve been through. Zooming in on that 1 year clean thick and fast

[kklost]

Brilliant news! Well done DOT. Hubby has done nearly 9 months too.

[smh1987]

Hi Dot,

I have been reading your progress and it’s incredible! I need some advice if possible or just some truth if that’s okay, my now ex partner has left for the second time, he is a daily user and has got himself into a lot of debt, he chose it over me and left me with no explanation..is this common? I want to help him in anyway I can with support but I keep on getting told I can’t help him he has to help himself, I am lost and worried it will get completely out of control. I guess what I am asking is it normal to push someone you say you love away regularly when using and let them feel like it’s something they did or said. I don’t want to turn my back on him but he will not speak to me at all, your story has been great to read and I just want to know if you did similar? Please don’t feel like you have to reply if it is difficult for you. Thank you

[dot]

This is completely normal. The question I ask is:- has he become co dependent on you for his wants and needs? Do you let him get away with it time and time again?

If you do then yes he will continue doing it. I used to go out on Friday and come back on Sundays with no explanation to my ex wife. When she confronted me we argued but I’d blame her and make everything her fault… It’s what happens when you confront an addict.

I know it’s hard and it won’t get better but you have to consider is it worth putting up with the behaviour anymore? I’m all for making it work but until he stops and knows you are going to leave then he will change his ways.

When you are on cocaine it’s a blanket over your feelings to the people closest to you. You don’t care how they feel… You don’t care that you are hurting them. I didn’t realize till it was too late

I wouldn’t dream of exerting that behaviour to anyone ever again in all honesty

Cocaine is a selfish drug. You only take interest in conversations when it’s about that. You can’t balance the two and live a normal life that’s my take on it anyway.

I used to run too it when I was using over the slightest thing

“Oh my dogs shit in the house I need a line”

“I’ve had a bad day I need a line”

My tyres flat I need a line”

The circle has to be broken somewhere or you are gonna be used as a punch post “not literally but you get what I mean” for when he’s on his comedowns and it’s not fair

Ash I’m so happy for you. I bet life is much easier. My life has come together piece by piece and am much happier. Glad it worked out I really am

[ash2013]

Wow – well done Dot! So pleased for you!!

My husband is 13 months clean now too, I never thought i’d be able to say that. I’ve had the best year ever, and it should have been bad through Covid, but for me its been like a walk in the park, compared to living with an addict.

Smh – I’ll let Dot come back to you, but essentially what you’ve been told is about right, you can scream, shout, bed, cry, threaten but you’ll be wasting your breath unless he wants to get himself clean and chooses a different path in life.

Take care of yourself, and keep smiling. There are plenty of people on this site in your shoes, you’re not alone – even though I’m sure you feel like you are x

[ash2013]

Wow – well done Dot! So pleased for you!!

My husband is 13 months clean now too, I never thought i’d be able to say that. I’ve had the best year ever, and it should have been bad through Covid, but for me its been like a walk in the park, compared to living with an addict.

Smh – I’ll let Dot come back to you, but essentially what you’ve been told is about right, you can scream, shout, beg, cry, threaten but you’ll be wasting your breath unless he wants to get himself clean and chooses a different path in life.

Take care of yourself, and keep smiling. There are plenty of people on this site in your shoes, you’re not alone – even though I’m sure you feel like you are x

[ash2013]

Wow – well done Dot! So pleased for you!!

My husband is 13 months clean now too, I never thought i’d be able to say that. I’ve had the best year ever, and it should have been bad through Covid, but for me its been like a walk in the park, compared to living with an addict.

Smh – I’ll let Dot come back to you, but essentially what you’ve been told is about right, you can scream, shout, beg, cry, threaten but you’ll be wasting your breath unless he wants to get himself clean and chooses a different path in life.

Take care of yourself, and keep smiling. There are plenty of people on this site in your shoes, you’re not alone – even though I’m sure you feel like you are x

[smh1987]

Hi Ash2013

Thank you so much for replying, I am so happy to hear of your husbands progress, I am so happy for you also, I am at a total loss, I have tried my very best with my former partner I never told him what to do, I never shouted until he let me down on my birthday with false promises of just spending time with me, he chose the drugs instead, and now he will not speak to me and it’s like he doesn’t care, it has broken my heart we were good and strong he was my right arm but the drugs take his heart and I’m left. I just want to see if it’s a pattern as he left and came back before blamed it on the debt, I never gave him money for drugs but I have supported us financially like food and clothes, I just don’t know what to do, does he actually not want me or is the cocaine doing it x

[ash2013]

I didnt mean to post that multiple times!! bloody technology!

[ash2013]

Smh, bless you sweetheart, no it is not that he doesn’t want you, but cocaine rules his head. Please don’t take it personally. It is NOT and in NO way your fault, nor does it say anything about you.

The problem is that cocaine takes over your life and he probably spends all his time around like minded people, its what happens. He will spend less time with people who dont do it, and more with people who do, until it gets to the point where he’s almost 100% with the addict mates, and never with you or the non drug users.

I dont want to alarm you, but it took 15 years for my husband to get to this point, and before that for the last 7 years we had a few months clean here and there. It took a hole in his nose and a massive reality check to get himself clean.

Here for you whenever you need to talk x

[smh1987]

Thank you so much for the support, he is the same health issues, has to sleep on a certain side due to breathing difficulty on one side, he doesn’t sleep well as also works nights so in strange patterns, I just wish he would talk to me so I could be there to listen, I love the person he is but he keeps so much from me other than bits here or there or if he feels he wants to prove something for praise purposes, he has only ever asked me for money once and I said no but I know his friends and family bail him out but it’s very very large sums of money, when he came back last time and told me a bit he owed so much money he has to pay them £1000 a month out of his wages, I have a lovely home and a great job, I only spend what I can afford but was willing to give him a lovely life which he said he wanted with me, I just don’t understand how he can walk away and give that up, but like you say that will rule his head and heart, I’m scared he is in trouble people chasing him as he said before he left me he had people on his back and didn’t want me at risk but didn’t say that was the reason he left me, he didn’t give any of explanation just ran away and not contacted me. I just want to be there for him as I care probably too much, but also leaving myself wide open for hurt and danger I guess, I haven’t tried to contact him in a few weeks now but nothing x

[dot]

This is truth but the man you love when he is using is not the man you fell in love with… It’s a bit harsh I suggest you try and get some help there is a charity that posts on here who give some great advice.

I can help you best I can with advice but the fact is unt he is willing to go through hell and bring himself off it when he’s ready this will continue. The behaviour won’t stop.

He has to be ready and want to do it. Nothing you say or empty threats will make him stop. If you say you are gon a leave you have to do it and make him prove he is clean.

My wife left me numerous times but I always knew she’d come back… The last time 9 months ago I knew she was serious and she hasn’t come back.

I’ve not done it for her this time though I did it for me which is a major factor and my children

[smh1987]

Thank you Dot, yes that all rings very true, and I understand what you mean when you say about if something happens he goes to that every time, thank you for taking the time to explain that to me and like I have said your story is amazing to read and where you are now, unbelievably happy for you. I will step away for now and give him the space he wants and see if it changes his views on things. I think you are right I have possibly fallen into the trap of never outing his behaviour at the risk of losing him if that makes sense, he has never shouted at me or been violent he just vanishes every few months then comes back all sorry and never fully explains the extent of what is going on, I worry for him I really do 🙁 he has 3 children and they adore him

[dot]

Well maybe inside he’s crying out for help but is scared to admit it to you incase you do leave him…

Have the conversation about it. That if he’s not willing to stop that he will eventually lose everything. And you are willing to support him but support can only go so far… Least he got s chance to change now before you do start resenting him because you will eventually get strong enough when you’ve had enough xx

[dot]

Kklost sorry just seen your post congratulations to your hubby we started this journey together so happy

[kklost]

Thanks DOT, so happy for us all. I did t know what 9 months on would look like and it seems pretty good so far. He now does one meeting a week either a weds or Thursday night. Still doing his counselling 1-2-1 and we do couples session once every 6 weeks. Seems to be working.

He was secretly drinking and I blew my top. It’s the secret part I hate. Any advice?

Do you think you can drop the drugs and still drink?

[smh1987]

I would completely help him if he asked me too, but like I say he hasn’t spoken to me for a few weeks and has cut me off totally, I will be here for him if and when he needs me even if he doesn’t want to be with me I would always support x

[ash2013]

Kklost – mine is 13 months drug and drink free, he cannot do one without the other, but thats probably not true for everyone, it depends how you used it I presume?

[dot]

I’m quite fortunate as no matter how drunk I get I can still say no. I’m a little different what stops my craving is eating… So if I’ve had a drink and that even crosses my mind I order food instead…

I’m known now for ordering pizzas when I’ve had a drink lol…

And I’ve not slipped once I’ve not had a key or a line or anything.

I don’t know what to suggest but always make sure he has a full belly when he has a drink and that’s all I can say where it relates to me

[dot]

And kklost that is incredible to hear it really is about the meetings and counseling.

I only do counseling now for my anxiety mainly and my everyday issues I suppose lol.

From when this post Started off It was about my wife etc… Genuinely now it’s about me and my kids I’m sort of relieved she didn’t forgive me because I’ve learnt a lesson of a lifetime.

Not gutted I feel I’ve dodged a bullet now in all fairness but I hold my hands up to my bad behaviour in the past

[kklost]

Thanks for your replies Ash and Dot, his secret drinking is what bothered me. I chucked every bit of booze we had out and he hasn’t had a drink for 6 weeks.

I wonder if he just ‘needs’ a secret. I’m going to bring it up at our next session this Friday.

He def hasn’t had any drugs as I’ve got all our money, so he has never has more than £20 on him at a time. Also still drug testing ad hoc.

Yeah he certainly needs these meetings and hasn’t missed a week yet. He is def committed to not falling off the wagon.

I’m just torn about the booze. It’s def a lack of control as when he drinks he just gets completely plastered.

[dot]

Well he’s kicking one addiction for another I’m extremely careful in everything I do. When I quit drugs I quit gambling online. Won’t even have a bet on the grand national… I’m careful with everything I do.

Like you said maybe he has to have a secret but I hope you get to the bottom of it. My only addiction is smoking I need to kick this last habit

[dot]

Cigarettes I mean^

[kklost]

Yeah I will def get to the bottom of it and he isn’t drinking at the moment, so he can go without.

His GP has put him forward for an ADHD assessment and that should happen within the next month. Hopefully that will help if he has it.

I used to smoke and that habit was so hard to quit. Good luck!

[dot]

Funny you say that I have ADHD

Look up on Google ADHD and cocaine self medicating articles.

I stopped taking ritalin/methylphenidate when I stopped because that is also linked to cocaine just a heads up.

[kklost]

Oh is it! Does it increase the need for it? I suppose he’s lasted this many years without the extra prescription drugs.

I’ll see what I can find out.

Really interesting you have it too.

[dot]

Yes I was diagnosed when I was 9 then rediagnosed as an adult.

In fact alot of articles state that roughly 70% of people with ADHD find comfort in recreational drugs mainly cocaine as it calms them instead of stimulate… It’s a weird one actually

[kklost]

You have hit the nail on the head! This is exactly what he said it’s like, it made things calmer, controlled so he could think straight.

When he said this ages ago it scared me a lot, as I have no experience with dealing with any of that.

He is due to have his review within the next month. GP referred him back in June! So been a long wait.

[dot]

10 months and a few weeks clean.

After a long winding court battle for my children and fighting social services to prove I was clean.

Got the result I wanted

Kids every other weekend shared birthdays Christmas etc.

Told to continue my relapse prevention course

My ex changed her mind and said she knew I was clean after denying it for months. I offered a hair strand and had references from gps mental health workers and drug clinic to say I’m fully clean.

Life’s going well. My partner who knows about everything is fully supportive.

Just an update. Hope everyone is keeping well.

[kklost]

Really good news for you and 10 months is so good! Well done and I’m pleased you have support to keep you on track.

Hugs those kids tight and well done for fighting it!

My hubby remains clean (lost track of house long now, need to count it up) and he got a diagnosis of ADHD. This was a bit hard for him to hear but they will offer medicine to help!

[dot]

Ermm I don’t find it intrusive I’m an open book.

I’ve found I’ve been back how I used to be and everything is normal after the first few months

When I first stopped I can’t tell you how I was feeling as my anxiety and emotions were all over the place.

My feelings now are :-

Im not depressed in the slightest

My life’s alot better

I can make clear decisions

I can see who is positive in my life

I can see bad people and avoid them as well

My anxiety has almost gone although with court I had a back week with anxiety

I sleep now. Not stayed up all night in over 10 months (since I basically stopped using)

I feel better physically (I do train though)

I look better I’m nearly 12.7 stone where as I was 9 stone I think 10 months back

What I do remember is when I used to use I used to get the urge to cheat and gamble

I won’t even gamble now I think in ten months only thing I’ve done is buy about 4 scratchcards but I’m careful with that as well. I see my friends placing football bets but I self excluded myself. Won’t even place a bet on a horse.

If you are stopping drugs stop the gambling as well

I used to excess gamble when I was high it was infactuating

Sorry to hear about your partner I hope he can get off it because it’s not easy. Coke is everywhere and the only way to stop is avoid it and have resilience to say no and it’s not just a battle at first but a battle forever. The cravings do disappear it’s just a matter of avoiding and knowing to say no.

[lece13]

Yeah the gambling comes in hand with the coke and so did the cheating!!

He’s managed a wk clean so far.

I’m glad you are feeling back to yourself.

He just seems a different person. I mean this wk he has seemed a little better in the sense he has been eating more, looks a bit healthier and has been training. How long this lasts though is anyone’s guess.

The emotions with him are just all gone at the minute. He is so distant with everyone his kids, mam etc. I’m hoping this is due to the missuse over the last year where he has more or less took it every day / every other day.

Everything that has happened though makes me question myself and if its me making him unhappy and thus making it difficult to connect with me and show affection.

I agree with the battle forever. He has gained a few close friends through attending meetings who have and are still continuously battling their addictions. It is hard work and I praise you for coming so far. The commitment you have to put in is emence

[dot]

So I’m in the run up to my big landmark. Was 11 months clean last week. Going out for a meal next month at 12 months clean

The closest people too me my gf and my family and a few close friends to celebrate

[ash2013]

Oh Dot, WOW, so amazing!! Look how far you have come 🙂 And isn’t life better in so many ways.

I’m so proud of what you’ve achieved, and I dont even know you!!

[kklost]

How are you Ash? Hope things better!

[kklost]

Good for you! You should celebrate it all!!!

Hubby’s a few days behind you on the 11th month mark. Relief is all I can say from me!

Celebrate and be proud of yourself! You have given me hope that this can be beaten and we need more positives

[redfox20]

Hey dot have read your thread on here so nice to see a positive story! Well done it’s no easy feat and your smashing it!

[lindyloo]

Congratulations Dot, you should be very proud of yourself!

I agree, it’s great to hear some positive news, it gives us all hope.

My son had a clean 6 months – but relapsed unfortunately. He’s back in early recovery again thankfully almost 3 months now, I know it’s difficult for him , but he knows what the alternative is.

Keep on doin what you’re doin!

Lx

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