[angus]

Hi,

I’ve read through a number of forum posts and it’s reassured me that I’m not alone. The only difference I seem to have is the gender reversal to the norm in my situation.

My partner of ten years endured an upbringing that ticks just about every box on a psychiatry check-list. She’s diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety issues. She also has a substantial history with narcotics and alcohol.

She is beautiful, inside and out but when it all gets too much she’ll binge on anything she can grasp to the expense of anyone and everything else. Usually this involves just disappearing for a bit and then turning up, crap excuses thrown in with ‘it won’t happen again’ – followed by a period of calm (currently 2-3 weeks). Counselling and AA (though a bit too religion driven) have all been tried with increased periods of stability… but I just don’t believe anything she says anymore about pretty much anything. It’s all been slowly eroded.

Recently she lost her driving licence (again – car number 2 written off) and then decided to go and get trashed… handed a 3 year ban for DUI – I’ll go and get wasted… honestly, she is a bi-pedal soap-opera storyline generator! To the point when the police ring I’m just not surprised anymore.

I am now trying to hold down a full-time job and manage our three children and I can do this… But I’m starting to realise it would all be so much easier to do if she just wasn’t there.

I know all the reasons why she is the way she is and her upbringing is a case study for a nature or nurture paper… but I am starting to de-empathise as a self protection mechanism. I also have children to raise and protect and they are my priority 100% of the time.

As soon as she drinks they’re just an irritant.

I’m rambling but am basically trying to figure out how to get her out?

Should I wait till she’s in a state and call the police – she has attacked me whilst drunk due to my, strangely, not being in a party mood. I’m (sadly) open to any suggestions – underhanded or not?

Ultimately I have learned that unless someone actually, really wants to sort themselves out no amount of rehab/counselling/love/care will help. It’s a decision they have to make but some seem to only make it once they’ve lost everything.

I have a feeling she is one of those and my trust battery is on empty – and trust is everything in a relationship is’nt it?

[leda]

I think your instinct is right- you need to prioritise your children. I don’t think it is underhand to call the police if she is being aggressive towards you or your children. It sounds like you are in the US, I am in the UK. But here we have a system where you make a diary of abuse/negative behaviour after reporting first incidents to the police. If it is on-going and you have recorded it then it can help your case. You might consider recording evidence if possible.

[angus]

Thank you for the reply Leda,

My partners birthday so it’s been one of those evenings.

I’m just drained.

I am in the UK so will start a diary as it’s reached a stage where my mental health is finally taking a hammering.

That capacity to look me in the eyes and ‘correct’ me so fervently ‘it’s only a problem because you make it etc.’ it just wears you down. The warped logic employed is fascinating after a while. But it all just makes me so sick that I’m having to choose my children whom I can protect over someone I cannot – but needs protecting/care more. Ultimately it is a no-brainer (i think?), but the possibility of her self-destructing in response is a huge factor as well.

I will start the diary as it might help on a number of levels.

Thanks again for the response.

[angus]

Thank you for the reply Leda,

My partners birthday so it’s been one of those evenings.

I’m just drained.

I am in the UK so will start a diary as it’s reached a stage where my mental health is finally taking a hammering.

That capacity to look me in the eyes and ‘correct’ me so fervently ‘it’s only a problem because you make it etc.’ it just wears you down. The warped logic employed is fascinating after a while. But it all just makes me so sick that I’m having to choose my children whom I can protect over someone I cannot – but needs protecting/care more. Ultimately it is a no-brainer (i think?), but the possibility of her self-destructing in response is a huge factor as well.

I will start the diary as it might help on a number of levels.

Thanks again for the response.

[jap88]

Hi ur post is similar to mine except my partner left Friday morning and still now has not returned. I got a text today (the first contact since him leaving) to say ‘can I see my son at the weekend’ I said he could but he would not be left alone and it will be at a place I know (his parents or park) I then said does this mean u r not coming home to wish he replied ‘yes not coming back I choose this’ I’m not sure whether to take this as gospel and class myself as a single mother and deal with the hurt of it all and now a broken relationship or is he still in the mist of a binge? The problem I have is he has chosen to live with his drug dealer this time and they will pay him in cocaine to do things like gardening walk their dogs so money isn’t a issue to my partner I’m so worrried and I cry everyday but I know deep down he’s not crying about us

[angus]

Hi Jap88,

Really sorry to hear you’re riding a similar rollercoaster! I know the feeling of being in a complete limbo and it sounds like you’re starting to resign yourself to a change in your situation (probably not a bad thing but painful). The problem is this is about the time they turn up on the doorstep again, apologising, and the loop can so easily continue.

Maybe focusing on how you feel and getting what you want clear in your own head will help you make the right choices for you. Horribly, I ended up writing a simple pro’s vs con’s list of being in that relationship… once you remove the emotion bit (very difficult) and look at the actual facts in a list – well, I really couldn’t find a single pro anymore in having them involved in mine, and more importantly my children’s day-to-day lives. I never want to cut them out of the children’s lives but I need to remove all need for relying on them for absolutely anything, whatsoever!

Children always come before any adults. Children need stability and security above all things. If your focus (and it sounds like it is) is to provide those it’s amazing how many other things will fall into place. My partner on her own causes literally all instability/chaos in the household… it sounds like you endure much the same?

Apologies for the babbling – my thoughts are with you.

Angus

[jap88]

Hi Angus, how r thing with u?

I’m in day 7 now and he’s still not home!! Around day 3 I had some texts where I thought I’m getting somewhere then he told me a lie in text that I knew was a lie (he tried claiming he only did it once the Friday he left and the drug dealer he’s living with is now miraculously clean and he’s not seen one bit there and tried telling me he got it from somewhere else except… that somewhere else he named hadnt seen my partner for a year!!) when he realised I knew he’s gone back to being silent and that’s with me texting once in the last 3 days asking how is.. nothing! No reply at all! My stomach is like it’s going round and round in a washing machine

[erin]

It is a difficult situation to be in when the person you love the most and has brought you so much happiness falls into this horrible situation.

The most important thing to remember is, if she doesn’t recognise her behaviour as a problem then she won’t change. The hardest thing is watching the person you love head into a downward spiral but until they realise that the only person who can change their behaviour is themselves.

Never put someone else’s mental health before your own, it sounds like your a great person and have done everything you can.

Maybe if you sit down with her when shes sober and calmly explain that its not only effecting her but its taking a toll on you and maybe, just maybe she’ll realise what she has to lose and is it really worth the pain she’s causing to the person she loves.

Many of people aren’t as lucky to have someone like you but it gets to a stage where its too much and if it did come to that it is important to remember that none of this is your fault, you have done everything you can.

You have the best intentions but only she can make that change.

Remember to look after your own mental health first and foremost and remember you’re not alone. People with loved ones and friends need support too.

Wishing you well and stay strong.

[angus]

Erin, thank you for your comment. It has helped me not feel like a horrible person.

It’s been a difficult week with my partner just on ‘simmer’ – drinking on the sly and refuting it to the entire family. Watching her own children harden towards her is heartbreaking. This evening the eldest gave me roundabout consent to me asking her mother to move out. The girls are strong and, sadly have older heads on their shoulders than they should but it helps that they want calm as well.

The love is there but, but it’s being steadily tenderised now. She needs to come full circle with herself. In her own words she’s a ‘rule breaker’ so my desire to ‘control’ (Please dont drink?) her just makes her want to more… not really anything left to say to that.

I’ve now got to wait for a sober ‘window’.

[jap88]

Well my partner has cancelled his contact with our son tomo he’s only 1. The excuse was ‘can’t do tomo I’m ill maybe I’ll do Monday if ok with u’ erm some of us have work Monday… of which I’ve had to create a childcare bubble for me to go. It’s like he doesn’t to keep what day it is but doesn’t takins like he’s going to work Monday!! I text him back and said come home so we can talk and I’m working Monday and I also said how do u k is u will be ill still tomo or even Sunday (obviously because he’s getting on it at the weekend) why do we love them so much is it because we know what they are like without being under the influence? I wish I didn’t care but I’m hangin on telling myself he’s just being consumed by cocaine at the mo

[Author]

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