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We had a gd weekend, I thought after he overdosed last week he would finally see the light but no he has been on it all day with his so called best mate , we spoke about her and he admitted she is a leech she happy to see him kill himself slowly just so she can get free gear ,drink ,food ,lifts In rhe car from him , but I went to work and had nothing from him and I just knew so called him and yep he on the gear with her and will be all night then tomorrow he will probably yet again miss the treatment ge needs to.keep him alive ,I feel so low ,last week she was nowhere to be seen or heard from when he was really ill it was me who he turned to but boom she clicks her fingers and he runs ,there’s nothing untoward happening between them but kills me all the same , I can’t walk away tho and I don’t know why , he can be verbally abusive but rhen tries to make it into a joke ,he emotionally distances himself from me , deep down I know he does care for me but I’m never gonna come before drugs , I need to walk I just can’t, my friends don’t want to know , they hate him think I can deserve better and don’t understand why I don’t give up and move on
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These leaches are very common, my now ex, as of 3 weeks ago when he just disappeared one day, has a sister who just feeds off his addiction. Takes him in, plies him with vodka and prescription pain killers , rapes his bank account for her own addictions while he’s comatose for a few weeks and then when he’s no money left she decides he needs help ! Well I’m out this time, no more me to the rescue when all hell has broken loose and the money has gone. This has been going on now for years, 4 years of my life and I’m determined this is the end, I deserve better, I need better and at this point I hate him as do my family. We have to move on when we’re feeling like this, we must put ourselves first. Even though it’s heartbreaking as the sober / clean addict is usually our perfect partner ????
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It’s absolutely awful been in this situation, Iv been here before when he’s been “my ex” and Iv been drawn back in, mainly feeling sorry for him and thinking about the “sober partner” and forgetting about the “drunk Partner” I need now to stick to this. He’s an intelligent man, in his last year of doing a degree at 47 yrs old ! He went into education after I encouraged him that he was more than capable. GCSEs through to degree and Iv been there throughout it all with these episodes every few months and picked up the pieces. God knows if he will finish his degree as these last few months are crucial, but not my problem now and that’s what I need to keep thinking. Have a look at my post from a year ago with my recent update.
When he comes out of this episode which could be a few weeks or 6 months I need to not be drawn in again. I feel im too old for this now and need someone in my life who loves and respects me. I’m 48 and need out now or before I know it I’ll be 58 then 68 and my life has gone in a flash. Just so hard, friends and family do mean well but just don’t understand what it’s like to love an addict.
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They’re vultures, preying on someone vulnerable, it’s so sad but I think they are the only one who can change it, doesn’t matter what you say or do and as you say when they are ‘having a good time’ they turn their back on people who really care but always come running for support when the ‘fun’ ends as these vultures are never around when there’s nothing to take.
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My “ex” also had a childhood friend who was an alcoholic, they went through their teens together in the rave scene taking all sorts then as they were older went on to alcohol. The friend died just before Christmas 21. Yes it hit my ex hard but if anything that has probably contributed toward this latest episode. This friend would have been a go to person when he was going on a bender, he even got locked up for DUI while with this person. There is also the sister who is just beyond appalling but What Iv learnt about all this is they will look for type, they will gravitate towards their type who gives them the permission to do their vices that we don’t. These leeches have their own gain from this, often financial or just a buddy to use with, we will never win against these people who do this, it’s truly awful.
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Absolutely yes they can spot each other a mile off and only gravitate towards people who will justify their actions, if anyone does try to socialise with them who doesn’t have that lifestyle they will push them away or the vulture friends will be unwelcoming/ridicules the friendship as they want them to themselves, they also use the same system to try to alienate them from us or anyone who tries to get them on the right path and try to help improve their life. Yes its definitely a losing battle
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You will know when the time is right to say enough is enough and tell him to stay with his leach. My ex is still with the leach sister, although since the last bender when he went there she has swapped into a 1 bed council flat from a 2 bed house where he just about had his own room ! Let’s hope he likes the sofa at hers because he won’t be coming back here. I Carnt continue this life. I hope your ok, it is draining and ends up taking its toll on us ????
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Marnie is right only your can know when the time is right to say enough, as it’s one leach he could choose to cut them off and start a fresh. what do we do when there is more than one leach and their whole life style is built around people like this, can someone start a new life and turn it around or do they just keep meeting more people like it?
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I wouldn’t think it was anything like that, they would basically stay anywhere that they can comfortably take the drugs and know they ‘won’t get nagged’ about it . You do read a lot on here people on about sleeping around being a side effect but for some addicts they do other risky behaviours instead such as gambling and dangerous driving, I don’t they’re all sleeping around, for one thing the people with most severe addiction can struggle to perform in that department anyway . As Marnie says though you have to decide what you can put up with. There isn’t really any point to send angry messages now though if you will backtrack tomorrow on what you have said. You have to decide what you really want. Even if they did sleep together would you draw the line at that.
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And that’s it you know it, the main thing drawing him in is going to be the lack of guilt and consequence tonight by avoiding responsibility, that’s why when they come round tomorrow the guilt and consequences will be multiplied and thats when they feel sorry for themselves and all the apologies and promises start,
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You obviously really love him and I’m so sorry to hear your going through this, I have been through it, not with a female friend, his male friends but the feeling alone and abandoned and not knowing what they are upto is the same, when you get past that part after long months or years you eventually end up not really liking them very much at all as you get so sick of it. You shouldn’t feel bad for not getting rid of him, as even when you outright tell them to go they don’t just leave and obviously our caring nature just tolerates it over and over, by the time they come home they have used up all their money and chances so they won’t leave where else will they go, other people only keep them until they’ve nothing to give. It’s sad and I wish there was a cure but there’s not and it’s a shame we also have to pay for their mistakes.
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And of course you will hate this element of your life being taken advantage of so horribly, for someone to abuse your good nature, but I hope you have some positives in your life to hold on to. If not then that would be my advice to build something for you, as although you say he loves you, he isn’t going to be thinking of you or your feelings and you’ve got to do that yourself . It’s a horrible realisation but whether you believe it’s within their control or out of their control it’s a long journey and you have to get control of your own life for it to not feel so shit.
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That’s the sad thing we get dragged down every time no matter how well we feel there’s only so much one person can do. At first you feel like you must be really strong to be able to support them but over time it takes it’s toll and you start to really resent it, which can obviously ruin any romantic or sexual feelings you have left. It starts to turn more in to a caring role than any kind of healthy relationship. And yes it can be so tiring and so demotivating for every time you get a bit of hope it’s destroyed. No one else can tell you what to do but I am glad you are seeing you’ve things to look forward to so either way you have to keep going and doing those things for you, whatever he decides to be getting up to.
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You are spot on, out of 4 years I think for the best part of that Iv been a carer, because he is a binge drinkers the periods in between binges would be excellent but I was always still watching and waiting for the next binge. Then the build up when I can see things were not right but couldn’t put my finger on it then bang ! Relapse.
When we have been apart previously I’d always worried about other women, he absolutely wasn’t like that at all when we were together to be fair but it was always a worry he would find someone else and be ok with them and then they have the sober him who is an amazing man. But after reading his step work books the other day from when he was in rehab it’s evident this has gone on and on for years and my dreams of him been a new person after rehab for our future together were never going to be met. Because Of this Iv realised now if he does find some one else she will be like him a drinker / addict as no “normal” woman will put up with this behaviour. They may have a good few months but nothing long term and it won’t be some one like me that’s for sure as Iv come to realise I’m better than this, took me awhile though to be fair. Best thing to do is maybe think to yourself do you want to be still in this situation 1 year, 3 years on.
It was 2 years ago this month my ex went on a 4 month bender at his leaches house, was so vile to me and even told his family I tried to poison him then came crying to me and I supported him to go to rehab. I had him back because he was his old self. 2 years on back here we are. Things just won’t change.
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Yes I think it’s really affected my mental health the strain of trying to hold the mess together, a bit like that big box on the cat in the hat lol, trying to lock it knowing it will eventually explode but just delaying it. I am really gutted as I loved him so much but it’s became a job basically with no leisurely activities, we don’t have any plans together, even when we had he either couldn’t be bothered or he’s came with us but high on coke so really ruined the experience for me. I just stopped bothering to plan anything with him, used to have to make excuses why he didn’t get involved, then I just started telling my sister, his dad and mother in law why he wasn’t getting involved and it was like a weight lifted and it was no longer my problem, but did start to make me hate him gradually more and more. I was only covering it up to hold on to the little bit of love and avoid reality. I want more for myself and he’s comfortable just accepting bare minimum, working himself to the bone to hand majority of the money to someone else.
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I’m also struggling to just be there, as if I’m supportive his selfish side just immediately tries to take advantage. offer one lift as you see they have an appointment they need to get to, all of a sudden they think you have the time and money to run them round everywhere; offer to make them a cup of tea as you can see they have had a hard day and it’s a small gesture , the next thing they can’t even make themselves a hot drink they expect you to, they literally become totally dependent if you support in anyway which is really hard to avoid when you are a naturally caring person who literally hates to see people having a hard time. I would help a stranger if I could see their struggle and knew of a way to help so for me this is totally out of character to have to act in this way.
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That’s what’s happened for me I just lost what I think was the real him, and sometimes I blame myself as I don’t know what went wrong. That’s the thing they can say nasty things as they’ve got something to take their mind off the situation where we sit and face the reality and it hurts. I think they say these insulting things to break your confidence as they’re worried you will find someone else who would treat you right.sad but true. The thing is when we aren’t treated right and end up worn out, emotionally beat up we don’t take best care of ourselves, eat unhealthy and no energy or enthusiasm for exercising so we probably don’t look our best version of ourselves. I’ve been trying for a few months to get the old me back who was slimmer and healthier with energy but he’s just drained that out of me over time and I don’t know how to start.
Being crude I don’t think there is a bad way to s**k d**k before they started all this stuff it would be easy to get them going and now it’s like jump starting an old car as they don’t function and somehow that’s someone else’s fault, anything to avoid the real blame and have to take action.i guess that’s why a lot of the partners on here have ended up cheating because you don’t get any love or reassurance from them it’s all a big joke, no sincerity.
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Also hate drugs and dealers, I’m surprised people tolerate it so much in their neighbourhoods, it contributes to so much crime, anti social behaviour domestic violence, robberies yet everyone just turns a blind eye. I know the addict makes their own choices but before when mine had committed to deleting the numbers, changing his own number and paid the debt, the main dealer got his new number off someone partner knows and started messaging several times every day offering a sales pitch of what he’s got available, until hr eventually cracked and got some, then the cycle started again, made me so mad, these chances when they have the strength to stop don’t come round very often,
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But also to one of your previous comments about them seeking out someone to do it with so they’re not alone, when they get really bad later stages they don’t even care if they have company they will just sneak out for an hour ‘to the shop’ and do it on their own, the addiction gets that strong, they don’t even get any enjoyment anymore it’s just a really strong urge they have to go and do. you are lucky that you don’t have real strings attached and when you feel strong enough you can just walk off, when you have a home and kids there’s things you have to sort out and then the overwhelming guilt that if you could only fix things the kids would have their wonderful dad back. That when they’re older they might blame you whether you’re together or not of how he turned out.
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Blame. It’s interesting isn’t it ? The first few times I experienced these benders, of which at the time I didn’t know they were benders, suddenly this lovely man I had met turned on me. Disappeared in his car over a petty issue to the sisters leaving me in floods of tears, texting him I was sorry and begging him to come back. Vile messages, blame all on me is what I got back. I left him to it thinking I’d lost him then a month or two later he would pop up saying he wasn’t right at the time due to ex withholding the kids etc , didn’t mean any of it and loved me. As the years went on we went on holidays of which looking back I always ended up in tears. All inclusive clearly wasn’t good for an alcoholic then expect them to hold it together for a week. Then the huge incidents started, I’d realised by this point drink was a huge issue so the cat and mouse started. I’d question him, he would flip then a huge incident. Police found him asleep in a nearby field. Came to my house to see if I was ok a “welfare visit” as he had told them we had an argument. The drink driving one was a huge incident, he left my house off his head to drive to his sisters in the next town. I begged him not to drive. An few hour later the police knocked on my door, would you believe he had actually rang them and told them he had to leave my house and was currently driving drunk because I tried to poison him and he needed to flee me. Needless to say they had stopped him, dragged him out of the car, he was carrying on so they in his words “gave him a kicking” which I hope they did and he spent the night sobering up in the cells. He went back to his sisters, the leach, then we had lock down and I didn’t hear from him for a good 5 month. When he got in touch I supported him into rehab and then had him back. 18 months later we’re back to square one. The blame is always there to blame someone else for their actions. It was my fault he drove drunk as I tried to poison him, then the polices fault he was arrested because he defending himself against them. It’s not and never is their fault. Their brains convince them everyone else is to blame to justify their actions. The leaches agree with them for their own gains.
Blame can also be felt by us, somewhere in the mist of my 4 years a number of times I felt I have been to blame for his relapses. Had I not told him to leave when I knew he had had a drink he wouldn’t have been found in a field by the police, I felt it was my fault. I was to blame and caused these big issues. Had I not told him on the phone to not come back here 4 weeks ago today when I could tell he had had a drink he wouldn’t have gone to his sisters and we now be in this position. I actually now know I’m not to blame. I’m actually free of him, until he comes back crawling, but as Iv said before I will just ignore any attempt to contact me as I fear I would feel sorry for him and cave. I need my life back this time and not have him as a mill stone round my neck.
As we’ve all said we need to put ourselves first and we are no way to blame for their addictions ????
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You may not see this before you go but if I was you I’d book myself a travel lodge not far, get a big bar of chocolate and a big bag of Doritos and have a night on your own in peace lol x
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I like that idea with the Doritos and chocolate, I’m just here hoping she took your option as the original plans don’t sound very relaxing, it’s funny when you see someone else living similar you think no just get out and go and live your life, but it’s easier said than done isn’t it.
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Absolutely it is ????
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I’m just so lucky. No ties with my ex such as house or kids. It’s still hard though x
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Good luck ????????
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That sounds awful the things she was sending on your weekend away, can he not cut her off? Does she know that you see these things?
I’m glad you still managed to have a good weekend anyway, that’s it you can vent on here, when you tell people close to you they expect you to take action about it when sometimes you just want someone to listen.
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It sounds like progress that he said no to the lift and chose lunch with you over the opportunity to go and take some stuff with her. One step at a time.
We had a great day other day the kids were so happy he was like his actual self but it didn’t last for long he did it the next day. il be honest I didn’t have my hopes up as I know what will happen but it was a shame for the kids I feel sad that they will be introduced to such disappointment and let down at a young age but I guess as long as they have me then really it’s a valuable life lesson that some people are unreliable.
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Ah I see that’s a shame for your daughter.
No, well so far it’s not like that. the kids are happy and healthy and I don’t know how much more careful I could be so far as he’s their dad so he is involved when possible, even if he never saw them again there would still be an emotional risk to them from that so I am doing what best I can. they are safe and well. I guess its different scenarios and they always have me around. There aren’t any major concern in that sense it was more for me personally that I feel sad that if there wasn’t any substance abuse involved that he could be a better dad. And mainly from that I have that view as I had a parent who had an alcohol issue so I know personally how it feels but I also know from people when I was younger who had the seemingly ‘perfect family’ growing up they didn’t turn out any better and with any less issues than anyone else. that’s why I have the laid back view of its a part of life that some people will 100% be there all the time for you and some just won’t, that is a part of life naturally without any substances being involved.
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Hi I was just thinking about you yesterday, glad the weekend went without incident but sad it wasn’t what you wanted.what I have learnt is There is life beyond addiction for us but it’s hard to let go. I went out with a friend on Friday night, just into our village, as I was with an alcoholic this is something Iv not done for a good few years, trying to keep a lid on it all. Everyone was so lovely and said how fab I looked, in the end it was easy, after I’d been dreading the whole thing. It showed me I am worth better than what I had. Even had a text from an ex who was in the pub within 10 minutes of me leaving telling me how good I looked. All good for the ego but helps a great deal to move on.
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I’m so sorry this is happening. We worry like mad but there is nothing we can do is there ? While we’re worrying they are destroying themselves. A few months ago I sat one night and thought is this it ? Is this my life forever now ? Watching his every move, waiting for the reek of booze on his breath. When we have split previously Iv hated alcohol, blamed alcohol for everything, this time no more, there is one person who has not taken the help from rehab and destroyed and lost everything and it’s not me. I have everything I had before him and he has exactly what he had when I met him sod all !
Yes I think of him but Iv detached myself from the “what if he goes missing” “what if he ends up in hospital again” because if not when something happens I would go running. We need to put ourselves first and going out Friday was a massive eye opener for me believe me. Try get out with friends, try to be you and put him to one side for awhile, believe me it would be worth it x
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I’m sorry to read from your posts that you’re having such a bad time. I work for a charity called Icarus Trust that supports people dealing with addiction in their family. We have a service called Family Friends who are trained people you could talk to who would understand what you are going through. They would also be able to let you know what other support is available.
You can contact us on contact@icarustrust.org
All the best.
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I guess I didn’t explain it well and probably sounded worse typed on here when I’m annoyed at him, as he didn’t actually let them down in the sense of planning anything. I meant let down that he had done it again. I know he can be better and more involved, but the kids don’t say anything, it’s always been more me doing stuff as in my family it’s naturally the women who are more involved so it’s normal to them.i guess I just hoped more myself. The kids talk to me about everything- they never stop talking haha, they’re fine.
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Hi thanks for the reply, The issue I’ve got is he’s their dad, he wants to be involved and he’s still having good days, he maintains a job and pays his way and also we have good connections with his family, , until someone says he’s totally gone off the rails it isn’t my place to exclude him as far as I know, unless someone knows otherwise? I think it would be inappropriate and potentially more harmful for them to not spend any time with their dad at this point? If that’s what your suggesting? I’m not sure? My Thought was that as they’re growing older they will learn to see that everyone’s not the same some people are unreliable. I wouldn’t let them come to any unnecessary harm, but it is a natural part of life that not everyone is honest and not everyone does everything they say they will. From what you’re saying I think your situation is different as you have the partner who is an addict now in your lives who you can exclude from the kids lives and also the older ones dad who is also an addict. I appreciate your perspective and thanks for commenting I just think we have different lives and I’m trying to be realistic and making the best of the situation which I am not in full power to change.
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It’s so complicated isn’t it. In a sense he’s not doing a bad job as they don’t know the wrong he does. He’s at work a lot anyway so when he’s able and in a right frame of mind he gets involved with them and they think he’s great lol. And when he isn’t it’s easily blamed on work. Maybe when they’re older it’s going to get more difficult for him to cover up. It really is like it’s only me that it affects as I’m the only one who notices what he’s up to, makes you feel like you’re going mad some times.
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