[elaine]

My partner is the nicest person I know. Everything I could wish for. Until he gets hold of alcohol and cannabis. He’s still a lovely man but it goes too far. He’s generous beyond measure all the time but, with drink and drugs, he becomes an idiot. He gives things we can’t afford to give and he becomes embarrassing. Last night he tried to give a friend a joint. The friend refused four times. At the fifth time my friend ‘lost it’ and walked out. End of pleasant evening. And he goads for reaction. Me, the dog, his son – to the point where I walk out. But this is not ‘every so often’ – this is virtually daily. How do I either stop it or cope with it?

[rani123]

Oh god Elaine … sorry to hear that . Must be really hard ..

You mentioned drugs but what drugs is it just cannabis or cocaine as well ?

As far as I know cannabis doesn’t have that kind of effect on a person to make them act out like that .. it’s the drink ?.

My advice to you is just give him an ultimatum to stop taking the drugs and drink or at least try to cut down and see if it makes a difference or tell him your leaving if he refuses to make changes ..

And make sure you mean it when you say it otherwise no point because you will end up in a cycle and he won’t take you seriously.

Have you tried talking to him when he is sober and explaining to him what his drugs and drink is doing to everyone around him

[elaine]

Hi Rani123,

Thank you for your reply. It is just cannabis and I think you are right – it’s the drink rather than the cannabis. Both together is a horrible combination. He uses cannabis to deal with a very damaging past, I know that, so, if I’m honest, I don’t mind the smoke too much but the drink is evil. He never, ever, gets nasty. If he did the relationship would have been over before it got going.

I have tried talking to him when sober – he is contrite, apologetic, ashamed. Then he has one beer and we are off… I can enjoy a couple of glasses of wine (sometimes far more , then regret it next morning!) but then I’ll go for the kettle and enjoy tea equally but he can’t. One glass is too much then 10 glasses is not enough. To make matters worse, I was widowed three years ago after 20 years of marriage to a man who was ‘moderation in all things’. I’m over 60 and ready to have a bit of fun in my life – and my partner is such a beautiful man in every other way – I want it to be with him, truly I do, if I could just address some of these issues.

[hox]

Hi Elaine. It’s not a nice thing having to cope with the situation. Have you had the conversation about abstaining from the alcohol? He seems to be aware of the repercussions and the upset it is causing you.

[elaine]

Hi, yes we have talked about it and it’s clearly the drink that is the problem. As he uses the pot to deal with horrendous things in his past (time alone will sort this out – if at all) then I have suggested that he doesn’t stop that entirely but that he tries to cut it down a bit – maybe save it for the evening when he most likes a drink. He doesn’t touch alcohol at all in the day – ever.

I have also suggested that he has one day a week where he can look forward to a drink. This would work for me but I can fully appreciate that he may have to stop it completely. I’ve also suggested that we limit the amount of alcohol available to him. Perhaps I take three cans into the house and half a bottle of white wine which is mine. He was really honest and said that three wouldn’t be enough, he’d do everything in his power to take my wine, and would then go off to the pub and probably drink more that if he had loads at home! I have tried stopping him but that does not work. He shows me up if we are in public (saying things like ‘ha, she thinks she can stop me, trying to say I’ve had enough’ at the top of his voice) or just gets ratty with me if we are alone. He’s never violent but he does get angry if I try to stop him. I have my own home so I tend to just walk out but this isn’t what I’m used to and the drink cannot be good for him. The other big issue is that, because he’s drunk, he doesn’t remember much about the previous night so I’m not certain he believes my version of events. Our diet is excellent and I think that may be the only thing that has prevented his organs from protesting.

[hox]

It’s an awful situation when all you want to do is make him see that alcohol is affecting your lives and he cannot see it and won’t listen to reason.

Alcohol doesn’t solve problems it only masks them.

[Author]

Posts