[gopher]

Hi all, my wife is a secret drinker to the point that it’s become difficult to be with her any more. She drinks not to get blind drunk but is one of those people who when she drinks the next morning she don’t get a hangover, but over the past several years it’s becoming more and more difficult to be with her, I can tell when she drinks because her demeanour changes and she turns from a loving caring woman to a hateful argumentative bitch who verbally abuses me. Her family, daughters and myself have all tried to tell her, she just tells them to mind their business.

When I ask her about the drinking she either denies it, lies or just avoids the subject. Last week when I noticed she had been drinking vodka (because she slurring her words) she told me if I didn’t like it I could leave as she doesn’t have a problem. Like others here I have tried to help her, tried to support her but it’s not working. I have a good paying job which I put all of my wages into a joint account every month, I tell her the money is for her/us to use to live so it’s not I don’t support her financially or emotionally. She doesn’t earn a lot and I feel as a husband it’s in me to help which I do. I have now told her it’s either the drinking or me, the next time I find her drunk I’m out as I am fed up of playing this game where I now feel like I’m wasting my life.

If I do leave I would leave with nothing, no where to live and literally the clothes on my back and my car as a home. It’s her home and I would never take it as she struggled to buy it for years.

Am I being nasty or selfish in doing this or should I just tough it out, but how long do I have to put up with this behaviour. If it was me then I am sure something would have been done years ago. The longer it goes on the less I love her, she is not the woman I married 5 years ago and is slowly turning into a drunk who I don’t want to be around.

I’m so fed up and it’s making me depressed and to the point I’m making excuses to stay in work for fear of what or who I will meet at home.

Thanks.

[sapphy]

Hi Gopher,

Tough situation.

First off let me say you are not being nasty or selfish in anyway. I don’t have a correct answer for you but it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind. or at the very least you defo need a break from your wife without the pressures of her drinking. It’s hard to watch people we once knew slip away especially when they are in front of us.

Maybe take a few days off, or a daytrip somewhere (may be difficult in lockdown) but somewhere you can clear your mind and gather your thoughts maybe, come up with an action plan?

When my partner was in denial, I found spending time with him and doing activities (i.e walks in the park, painting, playing board games) really helped us to reconnect. I wasn’t bothering him about his behavior and he was distracted from drinking even if it was a short time.

Hope this helps.

[Author]

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