[kass]

I’ll try and keep this short but just needed to vent and try and get some support from people that get it!!

So I met my husband in 1994, we married in 2004 and had and I’m life, ups and downs as you expect but we’re good together!

We have 5 beautiful children youngest our 1st and only girl is 7.

When she was a baby I found out he was using coke, I lost my brother to drink and drugs so this affected me a lot. I had years of the lies and promises and trying to help but eventually made him leave! Last Xmas day he was involved in a hit and run leaving him in a life threatening condition. I took him back, but by August had realised he was back on the drink and coke, lying, stealing etc so I sent him on his way!

He moved into our local pub, literally 200 yards from my home!

I’ve pushed my feelings aside and tried to get in with my life, I’m now doing my dream job and it gets me out the house and no one knows my problems, I have a great poker face lol

But it’s all getting too much for me now, he lets the kids down constantly, lies, doesn’t pay for them etc. He starts going to CA meetings but then gets back on it!!

My prob right now is I’m struggling with my own feelings, I still love my husband, though I except he is no longer the man I married, i wanted to be his saviour, I wanted him to get better for us but he didn’t!!

I feel like I’m grieving and don’t know how to move on! I have no friends or family around me anymore as most of my friends were our friends and they see me as the bad guy for kicking him out!!

I feel so alone right now!! I’m at work or at home alone with my kids! Over Xmas I didn’t see not hear from anyone for 12 days!

Why am I the one suffering?

He’s also telling me he is not drinking or drug taking yet he lives in a pub where coke is rife!

[kerryjane]

Hi, I understand the grieving your feeling, my son is a drug addict and alcoholic and I really don’t think he knows when he is lying, it’s comes so easily to him now, I want to help him save him but he still keeps on going down the same road, my younger brother was the same, he took his own life 2 years ago, the drugs and alcohol effect the people that live them more than the addicts x

[kerryjane]

Love them I meant x

[kass]

i agree, they seem to be happy doing what they are doing they don’t see the effects it has on those that care!! It’s heartbreaking!!

It makes me sadder that they have everything to fight for and support is here but they choose not to get the help!

Like you I lost my brother to addiction, makes it harder to watch someone else follow the same path!!

I hope your son sees sense and gets some help soon x

[b8988]

I have the exact problem with my husband and cocaine. I feel like I’m grieving for someone who hasn’t died, in many ways it’s worse!

If push comes to shove he will choose me, but not for long and he’s back on it. So the circle starts again, him secretly using, me throwing him out. Only difference is I now have social services involved. My kids will always come first, I am anti drugs! So was my husband funnily enough. He didn’t used to drink or smoke even, just randomly tried coke at 30 years of age and got hooked.

I have lived in hope that he would step up and go back to the man he once was, I’m still waiting.

Only difference is both me and my husband have both said if either one sleeps with anyone else when we have fought or if we decide to separate etc there will be no going back. We both couldn’t get back together after that. Although my husband has started almost putting feelers out to move on. Testing the waters should we say by telling other women they are attractive and making me out to be a monster to everyone. I think he knows deep down what a sorry state he’s in and wants an ego boost, or they are a welcome escape from reality as they don’t know what he’s like, where as I know the horrible truth.

Sending hugs it’s the worst situation ever, but you’re not on your own. Xx

[kass]

It’s so nice to know I’m not the only one in this position.

I know I should be feeling like I don’t care because he has treated us like rubbish for years! I hate his behaviour but I can’t hate him! I really wish I could!

Talking of sleeping with someone else, his behaviour towards me changed recently, kisses on end of texts stopped, and just generally attitude changed, then last week me and the children drive round the corner where he lives in the pub and the kids saw him kiss a women. I know the women and not at all angry with her, just hurt that he can move in when he always said he would only ever love me! I could not imagine kissing another man as I’m still in love with my husband.

He has denied this of course which hurts more as if he admitted it maybe I could deal with it but as he tells lies so easily I’m struggling to believe this was just a friendly goodbye kiss lol

I will always hold out hope and best wishes to anyone that can change so I do hope your hubby can do the right thing

Thanks for your hugs, they mean a lot and I’m sending some back in return!! X

[hox]

I’m in the same boat too. Happily married to my soul mate, then he starts abusing coke and alcohol. Says and thinks he’s ok. I’m the one suffering he doesn’t see anything beyond his nose.

I love my husband more than anything in the world, but I’m afraid he’s dead and I grieve for my loss. It has been a constant struggle. He is no longer the man I married. I do hope the monster he has become disappears as quickly as he appeared and my wonderful husband is resurrected.

I too feel isolated as the majority of our friends don’t know. Family too, so I spent Christmas and the new year alone as we have not been able to have children.

I also go to work then home. It’s a miserable existence nowadays. I too have had to master the art of poker face.

[b8988]

It’s awful, people say leave. But it’s not that simple. I’m in love with my husband but hate the illness that is addiction. I suppose it’s like being married to someone with dementia, they do all sorts due to their illness, become aggressive, say and do hurtful things but no one would say to leave someone with dementia would they? People think it’s a choice, I mean initially I guess it was but I suppose they’d never choose to become an addict would they?

I know my husband loves me, in fact he’s always been borderline obsessed with me, maybe I was another addiction of his. But I guess as time moves on and the addiction takes more of a hold they just accept that they can’t control it and carry on with self destruct. They probably see us either as being the one at fault or accept that drugs and us can’t be so accept that and try to move on.

My husband laughs when I suggest that’s what he’s doing as he said that would be logically thinking and on drugs you don’t logically think or plan. Maybe he’s right, I mean you just don’t care about anyone or anything on coke so don’t take it personally.

I just found a good site this explains the lies from an ex addict.

https://www.addictioncampuses.com/blog/5-lies-i-told-in-active-addiction/

[hox]

I wouldn’t leave either. I will support him now and hopefully when he comes to the realisation that he has a problem.

I get so angry, I get angry when he’s at home and get angry when he goes out.

I have no peace.

[kass]

Hox, I really feel the same pain as you!!

Yes I did tell my husband to leave and many times he put up a fight and I took him back!!

The last time he just left, no arguing, I had caught him stealing again and knew he lad been lying to me again!

I really couldn’t take being the loving wife and wanting to save him when he clearly couldn’t help himself! My children were suffering too! I was in a no win situation!!

I too live in hope that one day my husband comes back from the dead!!

I have filled in divorce papers 3 times but just can’t go thru with it!

Can I just ask? Do any of your partners ever seek help??

Clearly tho as they don’t see it as a problem they won’t!!

I just want to say talking to you has helped me get it off my chest a bit so thank you!! And let’s keep talking if it will help you too xx

[hox]

My husband doesn’t realise he has a problem. It’s me that sees the symptoms of the cocaine. He puts them down to……. it’s just a nose bleed, I have a cold, I have the flu…….I could go on and on. Excuses. I consider him to be an intelligent man so how can he not see?

It does help to vent my anger and its good to know that folk understand being in the same situation as myself.

[Author]

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