[kirst101]

I have been with my husband for 14 years we now have 3 children oldest is 11. My husband is addicted to heroin, crack and diazepam. He has been to rehab and stayed clean for 4 months and now he doesn’t use daily H And C but when gets the opportunity he will disappear and take H and C. He also has been prescribed diazepam but what he gets is not enough as he likes to get off it on them he is currently prescribed 30mg a day and when he abuses them he takes around 200mg in one go. He has resorted to secretly buying them online and will use H And C when he can. He is with addactions but he seems to lie to them and he is saying he is going to get help cos I was ready to end the marriage but he doesn’t ever seem to contact his drug worker it’s been 3 weeks and he hasn’t done any thing just says remind me. I don’t know what to do any more I have hidden his addictions from my family for years and I had finally told my mum, which was so hard and was due to the fact I had left my sons with him and he had went out and scored and then injected in our home and was completely out of it around my boys I have since not allowed him to look after our children. I feel very alone and scared about the future. I know if I end it he will go down hill but I don’t think I can no longer deal with his addictions. I am so confused. I really don’t think he is ready to change and everyone in his family tells me to leave him but I always seem to think he will change but somewhere inside I don’t think he will. I feel like I am a failure. I have tried everything to prevent him from using and nothing works what else can I do. I have even resorted to asking social services for help but they say I am a safety factor and basically nothing they can do. I don’t know who I am anymore I feel like a drug worker not a wife. Sorry for the rant but I am so lost. My husband has been on a methadone program for years, which doesn’t help just stops his withdrawing when he hasnt been able to get drugs. Has anyone had any one that has actually changed am I deluded to think or hope he will change. What am I to do. I love him but hate him at the same time hate what he is doing to me and the kids and what to leave him for my children’s well being but then he mentally messes with my head and when he is good he’s great but when he is bad it’s bad. I am totally confused in what to do

[lemonysnicket]

Hi Kirst101

I’m sorry no one has replied. It takes a lot of courage to post here and especially when you’ve no support in real life. I don’t think that there is anything you can do if I am honest. I tried with my husband for six years. I kept the secret from my parents and his. Several friends and my sister and BIL knew, but because they were as ignorant as I was about how cocaine works, they didn’t/couldn’t help. In my case, things were quiet for months and sometimes years. I’d find evidence of using but the lies were so convincing and the consequences of taking action so great that I lived in denial because it was easier. Denial doesn’t actually cover it because usually there wasn’t much evidence to go on, just the odd bag or strange text that I’d glimpse, or him nipping out abruptly, or sometimes going out “to the shop” very late at night.

In the end he let his debts build up secretly to the point where his company was wound up and we’ve had to sell the house to pay his debts. He let me find out when the court summons came through the door and I knew I had to make the chaos stop. 18 months later, and very reluctantly I’ve divorced him. In the time we’ve been apart he’s improved so much. He had some dark times. He’s had to move back in with his parents. But he has a great job which he loves, and lockdown has helped him a lot. He seems ok now. Change is possible I think but I’m not so sure it can happen with us by their side.

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