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Hello,
I am seeking advice as I truly don’t know where else I can turn. I have been with my husband for 10 years and happily married for 3. I have always believed I was a bit of a ‘paranoid person’ and just ever so sensitive to when people are telling the truth to me. I’ve always had a vibe!
Too many times to recount, I have questioned my husband as to whether he has taken cocaine when drinking, he has always utterly denied it and made me feel so comforted by his lies. To the point where I feel silly for questioning him…. but my internal vibe has been screaming not to listen.
6 weeks ago I discovered a bag of cocaine in my bedroom, when I questioned my husband he immediately shot me with ‘it’s not mine!!’ To which I then had to remind him that only him, me and my three sleeping children were in the house. He then admitted everything, he opened up and told me it’s an addiction. That the debt that we are in is due to this secret addiction and that it happens nearly every weekend in the comfort of our home whilst I’m sleeping after a hard week of work.
Fast forward 6 weeks, he has stopped, is getting therapy and has been put on antidepressants by our GP. I am supporting him and saying all the right things, but I am angry!! I do not trust a single word he says, he has the ability to lie so easily that it scares me! I feel my whole marriage has been a lie, I feel all the times we have been away, all the evenings when I have been asleep everything we have done together has been tainted now by this memory of ‘he was off his head anyway!’
All the times I have asked and begged for the truth, I know I would still be utterly clueless had I not found it.
He lied to his boss this morning about sleeping in for work and I genuinely was shocked at how easy he found it to lie!!
We have booked onto marriage counselling but the wait is 10 weeks.
I feel totally like the betrayal has taken over and my happy marriage bubble has gone forever.
Will I ever trust him again?
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Hi Bellapop
Thank you for sharing your story. I can imagine how angry you feel knowing how you have been lied to and trusting your husband now must feel very difficult.
However, it’s good to hear that he is engaging with the therapy and hopefully the marriage counselling with be positive for you when it arrives.
In the meantime you may like to talk to us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the family around the addict as we know how hard this can be for people.
If you contact us ,you would be put in touch with one of our experienced trained people who you would be able to talk to. They would listen to you and signpost you to what other help is available for you.
You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck to you.
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Hey,
It’s my first time here and I can definitely relate to you about having trust issues with your husband, especially over drugs.
I too was shocked when my husband continued to lie and with such ease and conviction that I fell for it myself every time.. now I listen to my gut instinct as opposed to him!
In all honesty, it will take a long time for you to rebuild that trust with him, but I definitely think you are already on the right track by seeing a marriage councilor (something I should probably consider myself actually) even if it is a bit of a wait, it’s the right step to take and I truly hope it works out for you and your family x
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Bellapop , thanks for adding on mine , j just read this of yours ( I shouldnt be awake at this hour but minds on overdrive as usual ) and yea same sad scenario . Mine started doing it as a daily thing in the first lockdown . I held on to his secret until Feb of this year after numerous broken promises etc. I’m the one whose ended up at counselling and other ways to manage the stress of his addiction ! It’s just horrendous I know so much about cocaine and I’ve never done it !! .
Does he admit he’s an addict ? , how do you feel when he’s gone ( like tonight ) my house is calm and I manage so much better when I’m not under the strain of his habit . I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said this is it only to give him another chance because he’s said it’s different. I can’t comment on does this get better unfortunately because mine has not , but have the comfort that we are not alone and we have to start choosing ourselves first xxx
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Hi Purpleheart, hope you are feeling ok this morning too, how are you feeling about everything today? Xxx
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Hi ladies, I’ve been reading your posts and really feel for you, I am in the exact same situation – it’s unbearable isn’t it. I have 2 kids and a job too and he just does nothing. I hope you’re both having a relaxing non stressful night tonight. Mine has stormed out after behaving ridiculously and demanded £300 be transferred (maybe he started a row on purpose I don’t know) I’m at a point where I don’t want him to come back. It’s nice to have some calm and not be on edge.
He had been doing well for 2 weeks but I can’t forget this time and brush it under the carpet, I feel like something’s changed.
Thinking of you both and hoping things get easier xx
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Fayzey , I’m sorry your on the rose form hell too 🙁 . I find it crazy that there are so many of us in this situation and you would pass each other in a street , chat in a supermarket and just never know . I saw a friend over the weekend that I hadn’t seen for 10 year and she was really lovely and complimentary and saying how well I looked ( she was probably being nice cause I really look knackered ) and how she thought I had it all sewn up with work etc … honest I was seconds away from laughing hysterically and saying not all is always as it seems – so off the mark it’s untrue . I felt so sad afterwards – I’d give anything to not be in a three way relationship with cocaine – because I’m always the loosing party .
fayzey I think that calm kicks in when they are gone automatically after some time because they really drain you. I hope your taking care of yourself and still making time to do some things you enjoy.
How long has he been doing this to your knowledge ?.
Send you a hug too xx
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It’s so crazy isn’t it – we are walking around like everything is ok, it’s exhausting! I thought I was ok but I can’t sleep now as so anxious he will come back – I text him to say I bolted the door but he’s unpredictable when he’s like this so now just laying here stressing!
So yours has left Purpleheart? Is he keeping in touch? It’s so hard with kids as you want to protect them from the truth and make sure they’re happy – did he just go tonight?
Bellapop I think the trust has totally gone for me now- I literally don’t believe a word he’s saying most of the time. I was secretly testing him as that was the only way to get the truth! We don’t deserve a relationship like that though!
He has no where else to go as he burnt all his bridges a long time ago (except me!).
It’s been like this from about 6 months into our relationship (before that I knew he did it but thought it was ‘recreational’ – stupid word) so 5 years now – he had a good phase and we had a baby but it got a lot worse when I was pregnant (I found out he had a lifelong drug problem) – he almost died from pneumonia (caused by drugs I think but who knows really) so there was quite a big gap where things were ‘good’ as he couldn’t leave the house but it’s been about 2 months now he’s been back on it, lying, manipulative as you both know what they’re like….
I was trying to pretend it was ok as he said he’d stop (again) but I just couldn’t forgive and forget this time and I think he sensed it so probably why we ended up arguing. If it wasn’t for our son I just wish I he never met him as horrible as that sounds. Sorry for being negative!
In the time I’ve been with him it’s been one long crazy rollercoaster actually quite unbelievable some of the things that have happened and all the time I just get up go to work get the kids sorted and act like everything’s fine!
Sending hugs to both of you and positive vibes, we deserve to be happy xxx
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Hi bellapop,
I hope you managed to get some sleep and hope you did too purpleheart, I had about 4 hours so it’s going to be a long (hot) day!! I have re read your original post and can totally understand why you are feeling betrayed, he must have told so many lies over the years to cover up but thank goodness you have found out the truth eventually – they make you feel like you’re going mad with all the lies don’t they. Mine has never admitted it but time and again either I’ve found out after being suspicious and doing detective work, or he’s just vanished and not come back from trips to the shop/bike rides etc – normal routine is an apologetic text where he feels sorry for himself and I’m so relieved to have him back, I welcome him home and he’s great for a bit, then repeat! Some good times have been longer than others (mainly cos he was ill) and he is a great dad which is why I’ve stuck with it. His lies have got better each time he gets caught.
It sounds like your husband has had a problem for quite a few years which has now got to the point where he can’t even try to hide it – it’s good that he’s trying to get help – is he going to meetings CA or NA? It is likely to be a long and bumpy road whilst he tries to get sorted and unfortunately may or may not be successful. I get what you mean that maybe he’ll suddenly go back to how he was when you were happy but that will only happen if he stops taking that stuff – I’m guessing he would then realise how stupid he’s been and be trying everything he could to win you back?
Does his mum know what he’s doing and why he’s staying there?
Mine used to do this but the last slip up he’s had he just stayed in the house making our lives a misery being snappy and rude, mainly to me and I told him to go a few weeks ago but he just didn’t leave and that’s when he said he’d stop (again!). I thought it was worth a try but my heart wasn’t really in it if I’m being honest and yesterday he just seemed to flip and had a really petty argument with my son and kicked a football at him can you believe, then said ‘he started it’- I was like yes but you’re 50!!! – it’s the final straw for me but I’ve had 5 years of this rollercoaster and I have come to the conclusion it will never change and I just don’t want the rest of my life being like this as sad as that is….
I’m bracing myself for what’s going to happen next, I just hope I can stick to it this time….
Hoping you both have a good day with no dramas and, it’s Monday so we have to get on with it don’t we which is probably a good thing to keep us sane! xxx
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Morning Fayzey and Bella pop .
Yes Monday again , the start of my working week – a break for me where I actually think about me and what I need to do ! Ha I never would of thought that work ended up bring a sanctuary . This is where my problems start . Mine can’t work without it . So he says he’s quit now but I’ll be armed with my tests every other day . By Friday I can guarantee the week will be ruined with numerous arguments in the bag , my overthinking in full throttle , lots of “ detective “ work done , I’m sick of being the household crazy lady ( know I’m not crazy but that’s how it sends you isn’t it ). My kids got up an hour ago , mines still flat out sleeping through alarms . This when when I start getting irritated , the lack of help and no responsibility whatsoever.
Fayzey do you feel strong enough to walk away from him now then for good?. Do you have a plan? . I have a plan but like I said in another post I’m not just ready to start it just yet – but I need to because I’m sick of feeling lonely and longing for something that quite frankly I don’t think I will ever have again
xxx
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Hi Purpleheart,
Yes I feel the same, it’s a relief to think about something else at work! The detective work is so draining, I have tried to say to him in the past that he should be proving to me he’s clean not the other way round but it doesn’t seem to work like that…. We were doing tests but somehow he was fixing them I don’t know how but when I tested the toilet when he hadn’t flushed it was positive-I got suspicious because sometimes he almost demanded that I test him then and there….
I’m lucky in a way as it’s my house so he will have to go if I stick to it but it’s all the other things – I feel like I’ve put 5.5 years of my life into trying to get his life on track and it will all be for nothing if I give up now, and obviously there’s our son….
It’s true it is lonely because you dont fully have them but also you put up barriers with your friends and family – I just want my life back. I should have not taken him back when I had the chance when our son was a few weeks old he got sectioned as he was secretly smoking heroin and crack – yes it can get worse- but I believed he wanted to stop and I guess I was hormonal I just wanted a family. The way I look at it is if he wasn’t there I could get a babysitter and do stuff whereas with him here I can’t rely on him but also can’t get any help so I’m just stuck!
I hope yours gets out of bed and pulls his weight! Makes you so angry doesn’t it how they can have lovely long sleeps while we’re stressing all night then up early keeping everything going.
Hope you have a good day ‘relaxing’ at work! Xxx
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Hi bellapop, I’m so sorry, I only just saw your post. I’m so angry on your behalf, I can’t believe he blocked you – it’s just unbelievable how they can switch their feelings off but that’s what it does to them unfortunately. I know it won’t help and it’s the reason in the past that I’ve kept going back, but it’s not really him talking, it’s the coke, but still it’s just not on and there’s only so many excuses you can make for them. I’m sure he feels terrible deep down but until he deals with his addiction he will just use that as a reason to do even more probably. It’s easy when you feel angry isn’t it, that’s how I’ve been but the doubts and rose tinted glasses are creeping in now, probably because I’m so tired!
Why is his mum allowing him to behave like this? Does she know what he’s doing or has he not told her the truth??
So sorry it’s come to this, maybe as a glimmer of hope, he will have a realisation of what he’s lost and that will be the wake up call he needs?? They say you have to hit rock bottom but that’s definitely different for everyone…
Hope you’re ok as can be expected, stay strong and remember none of this is your fault even if he tries to make you feel that way xxx and I did read someone else said something along the lines of, ‘you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it’ which I found a useful way to think of it.
I hope your son is feeling better xxx
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Well he’s just called I can tell he’s crying saying things like ‘if something happens to me’ etc so now I’m really worried and sitting here crying myself and feel like it’s all my fault, have I done the wrong thing saying he had to go?? I just wish he could sort himself out but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen xxx
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Hi Bella pop . Wow how callous is he – that’s awful . How is your son now ? Has he got a little better over the day ?. Mines a fantastic dad too and a really genuinely nice guy apart from when that stuff kicked in . Can you imagine if the shoe was on the other foot for us all . My god they wouldn’t of tolerated it for more than a week x x
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Oh no Bellapop I’m sorry xx I’ve literally just had a text too saying pack his stuff and leave it in the alleyway but when I spoke to him earlier he said he wanted to come and see his son tomorrow so no idea what he’s doing.
I’m so close to caving and saying just come back but a part of me is saying I’ll be back here again in a few months/years – it’s so hard to know what to do for the best isn’t it when you love them and you want them to be ok but they just can’t seem to manage it. It’s overwhelming this journey isn’t it.
How was he when he came round? Did he seem like he’s been taking it? I hate drugs so much they are so evil and cocaine is definitely one of the worst.
Sending hugs bellapop and hope you’re ok too Purpleheart, as much as I don’t want anyone to go through this, it is some comfort to know we’re not alone in this xx
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Hey , it’s been a stressful day here. Mine is anxious , can’t concentrate to go to work properly . We are struggling financially again with cash flow apparently and I’m not supportive?! Because I need to be more encouraging .. he’s wanting to remortgage and stuff . I just can’t put trust into him because he’s still playing the same game and is nowhere near in recovery I feel really uneasy as I’ve never been in financial trouble I don’t want to start borrowing more ! . His mood is awful I’m going to bed out of way soon . I’m sorry your two are doing this to you both , I can only say embrace the calm even if it doesn’t last or you have change of hearts. Poor kids in all of this – we should be enjoying our children not constantly thinking about coke and these selfish beings . Xx
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Sorry you’ve had a stressful day purpleheart xx it’s crazy how much money they can get through isn’t it – I’ve just transferred him all his savings which is upsetting cos he’s spent ages getting that together and presumably is now going to blow it. Will you be able to stop him remortgaging if he decides he wants to?? Do you see what he’s spending? I have to do everything for mine so do all his banking and see it all that’s how I found out this time he was back on it….
Do you find he’s in a bad mood when he’s done it or when it’s wearing off?? I was never too sure but I think maybe both – not sure how that can be enjoyable as it certainly doesn’t look it.
Hope you manage to have an ok evening despite the moodiness xxx
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Bella pop you can do this lovely , the ups and downs are all part of the coming to terms with this crap . She are stronger than you know – dig deep . There is life beyond addiction i truly believe this ( I’ve just not finished my journey as yet to it ) Xx
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I really feel for you, I am feeling the same as you to be honest, I was feeling really strong earlier but since he called me crying I’ve just been crying. But the alleyway text I can tell he’s done some more as it’s really cold with no emotion like you’re saying about your husband when he came round, that’s how it makes them but we have to deal with the reality of it and all the consequences.
That’s good you have told people – have they been supportive? It’s horrible keeping it to yourself. I’m so sorry you’ve had to tell your kids though – what have you told them? I hope they are ok? Our 3 year old is confused, it’s heartbreaking isn’t it. I can’t help but think it’s my fault I shouldn’t have told him to go.
It’s not out of character for when he’s been doing stuff, he’s a different person and I don’t feel like I know him, I dread to think what he’s doing I just hope nothing stupid I’m really worried as he doesn’t have a great track record for coping in these situations. I just wish none of this had happened! xxx
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Stay strong bellapop, I can tell you’re a strong person and you will get through this with or without him xxx I’ve got the same thoughts and questions running through my head. I think we have both done the right thing though and I really hope that they both make some better choices over the next few days/weeks for the sake of everyone – it’s out of our hands now that’s the scariest thing isn’t it. What do you do when they’re gone and you’ve spent your whole life worrying about them, doing things for them, checking up on them? I think it’s called codependency I haven’t read about it but I might Google it later. You can do this bellapop and please don’t think you haven’t been supportive, there’s only so much you can do without it impacting on you and the kids – you’re not running a drug rehab centre you’re human and you have done your best in a horrible situation xxxx
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I think it’s a grieving process and it’s our brains tricking us into forgetting a lot of the bad stuff. Have you heard anymore tonight?
Well he seems absolutely fine on the texts just giving me lists of things he needs so he’s definitely doing it and will then feel even worse. He says he’s coming round to see our son tomorrow so will see how that goes I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold it together…. Oh I know what you mean about the bins, I was crying over the washing up as he normally does it so that set me off again. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight, I’m going to try now and no doubt lie here for hours on end!
I guess they can be great husbands and fathers but also addicts, and in active addiction that overshadows everything and takes away the lovely qualities we know they have underneath – they’re still there somewhere but it’s only them can make the choice to start getting better – I really hope for your husband maybe this is the start of a journey for him which will probably get worse before it gets better but may be the thing that makes him get clean eventually if he gets to whatever rock bottom looks like.
Tomorrow’s a new day and I hope we both wake up feeling stronger, sending lots of positive vibes your way xxx
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Hi ladies bellapop and purpleheart, hope you both had good days? I was really busy with work which was a good distraction – he didn’t show up today and isn’t picking up the phone, still worried sick but I can’t do anything now until he gets in touch. Did your husband come over bellapop? xxx
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Hello ladies , sorry been quiet been a crap couple of days . Arguments and tension .
Awh Bella pop I felt so sad reading about your message to your OH :(. How has tonight gone With the children ?.
Fayzey , has he been in touch ?. The mind games never end do they . How are you feeling ? You are so strong though – keep hold of that fire.
We are all stronger than we realise.. better times await us I believe that wholeheartedly xx .
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It’s so tempting to be happy again and give it another go, I’ve done it many a time so no judgement here! I’m really pleased at least he’s saying the right things and have my fingers crossed for you that he can start on the road to recovery now. Will he go to meetings? It’s easy for other people to judge but you have to do what’s right for you and your family.
The tension is so draining isn’t it purpleheart. At least I don’t have any of that at the moment. I feel better than yesterday as just distracted myself with work which has helped. He’s in full on melt down to the point I’m worried about him making it though in one piece – he’s very depressed in any messages he sends but then you would be wouldn’t you, I said let me help and find you somewhere to stay but he won’t let me and is spending so much money (his) it’s making me feel sick to think about it. He’ll run out in a few days. I think he must be smoking crack somewhere…..
xxxx
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Hi all I feel like I’m a little late to the party but reading your current situations is like reading my own life story and I just had to say hello. I’m a mum of 2 and their dad is a cocaine addict and also an alcoholic (can go a week at most cold turkey but then the biggest bender/blow out follows swiftly. He walked out on us on Saturday just gone after I confronted him about him having had cocaine that day whilst at work and then coming home under the influence (we have a 2 year old and a 10 week old) at first he begged my forgiveness but when I said he could stay on the sofa and we would talk about it when he had a clear head he decided he wanted to leave instead as ‘its all too much for him’ which after 2 years of broken promises and the constant lies is quite laughable. He’s staying with his sister who knows all about his cocaine habits but as far as she is concerned the sun shines out of his backside and in her own words to me ‘he’s not as bad as you make him out to be’ despite being fully aware of the fact he spent £1000 on it in 2 days and left me with no money to pay bills buy food etc so I had to borrow from my family yet again. She just leaves him to do whatever he wants and come and go as he pleases from her home and doesn’t have to contribute so for him it’s an easy ride and an escape from the nagging as he calls it. I know I need to put my big girl pants on and stay strong and stick to what I said 2 years ago about not having him back unless he’s actually got himself clean and given it up for good but I can feel myself literally aching for him to speak to me and I feel like I’m begging for him to want to do the right thing but in reality he doesn’t want to be a part of the family if it means he has to give up coke we definitely come second. Sorry for the long post I just wanted you all to know I feel for you all and I hope for all our sakes it gets better one way or another xx
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Hi ladies, and hi rayzy, I typed a post yesterday but I got distracted with the kids and didn’t send it but it basically said everything bellapop had said! Have you heard from him at all?? Very frustrating when their own family don’t see the problem, I have the same with my partner’s son, he just doesn’t seem to get how serious it is but I suppose he’s been dealing with it his whole life so not really his responsibility….
That all sounds really positive bellapop I’ve got everything crossed for you both xxx do you think he could get a diagnosis for adhd and get some meds?? I know of quite a few people where this has made a massive difference as they don’t need to self medicate?
I don’t really have much of an update except still no contact. I’m having to put it out of my mind as things are so full on with work and the kids etc but I’ve got time off over the summer holidays so I think it will hit me then. The crack isn’t a new thing but it’s been a couple of years since he did it to my knowledge, not since our son was a baby and it didn’t end well that time at all as he got sectioned. I’m just bracing myself for whatever’s next…to be honest it’s so awful I just can’t think about it. Life goes on the doesn’t it and when you have kids you just have to get on with it which is a good thing I think.
Hoping you both have a good stress free day xxxx
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Going to listen to that song Bella pop thanks .
Sounds like a trying day , that’s what mines been like all week , then he got paid today arrogant head came back and said he needed some time out so just went to drop out kids at home with me whilst he went out . I was like why can’t you go after bath and bedtime ?. He’s done this all week – complained when I’ve asked him to muck in , let me down last minute for things and I’ve is yo do them , and then had the nerve to say I trap him – all hell broke loose arguing and he left , I’m feeling sad , I’m doing some work for work because I can’t sleep . I tested him tonight and it came up with a faint negative but his routine and attitude isn’t adding up he drank copious amounts of water last week when he tried to avoid the test when he had taken but that came up faint negative too .He’s started to complain about me testing him and asking for help what reason when I do … because you’ve been an addict for over two years maybe !. Bella pop you do sound brighter even if you are feeling tired and miffed .
Fayzey hope your ok too,
Going to try and get some sleep . So fed up with all this . The kids saw some of it tonight I’m mortified it all happened so quit and got heated so get .
Nights girls . Sleep well xx
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Song made me cry x
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Hi bellapop and purpleheart, things aren’t good here, he’s just totally lost the plot, saying he wants to kill himself, I think by taking as many drugs as he can, had a terrible day yesterday, trying to get him some help (even though he doesn’t want it) and am feeling so run down with it all now I’ve been ill for over 2 weeks. I spoke to his mental health worker and she ended up more worried about me I think. Ugh. Totally get what you mean about working purpleheart, I’ve been doing the same as you, it’s just nice to have a bit of normality and something else to think about although yesterday was a struggle.
So he’s gone again purpleheart? Sorry to hear that it’s never ending isn’t it. It’s that pay day thing-I think they start to associate money with drugs and it’s really hard to break that…. I would be cautious about believing the tests unless you are literally watching him do it as mine definitely managed to trick them somehow….did he end up coming back? Hope you’re ok today and managed to get some sleep.
Hope yours is staying strong bellapop! Is there anything that would distract him? I guess it’s better he’s in bed than it doing stuff but totally get how annoying it is when they just check out and leave you to do everything….
I really hope you both have good weekends and we can all try not to let their dramas bring us down too much. I can’t listen to the song at the moment as feel like I’m only just holding it together but will do xxxx
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Morning ,Dont worry bellapop there’s sometimes gremlins in the system when posting Isn’t there . If like to blame my spelling on it sometimes but I can’t unfortunately ha.
Fayzey – that’s stressful how awful . You must try and rest yourself, I find I live off the adrenaline stress for ages and then I get something really bad ten fold :/ .
I hope to god that what he’s saying is a moment in time scenario . Let’s us know how today goes when you can .
No mine didn’t come back last night . It’s usual that though , if he’s gone back to the coke he might clear off for a few days binging . But hoping not for his sake .
I keep him in my sights when he’s doing the test which is rubbish in itself I always think as if it’s come to this . Like I said last week he drank a 1.5 bottle of water before the test in order to cover up he had used unlucky for him it still picks it up faintly .
Maybe he’s not on it maybe I’m wrong but now the testing regularly and him “recovering “ seems to of changed his attitude just this arrogance of me like I have no right to any expectations from him ?! .I feel like he can’t balance work , home life and obvious the addiction over all that . He’s abandoned me so many times physically but mentally , emotionally . I can’t handle his selfishness and my resentment ignites my anger of what he’s done when something happens that I think hang on a minute the cracks are showing everywhere with us 🙁 .
Kids have already asked where he is . Going to be a long day .
Fayzey keep strong your doing good even though it won’t feel like that right now.
Xx
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Thank you purpleheart I’m also thing it’s going to be a long day/weekend on my own with the kids…
I would say trust your instincts about whether he’s on it as they will be right! Mine was the same this time with the arrogance, usually before he would be very apologetic but something was different this time and he didn’t seem very sorry at all tbh but I think that’s because he was still doing it.
I guess that’s why he doesn’t want you to test him then cos he’s getting fed up of drinking all the water! As if you haven’t got enough to do with looking after the kids – hope your day goes ok either way, I think in some ways it’s easier when they’re not there but it’s just a different stress isnt it.
xxxx
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Yep I get what you mean I’m standing in way if he wants to do it – that’s probably what his I’m trapped claims were all About last night because he sure as hell doesn’t have a trapped life .
Last night arguing was vicious though ,they are getting worse 🙁 there’s a line and it can’t be crossed but it’s too close – I tried to stop him leaving so I didn’t help matters .
Catch you later no doubt . Plenty of mum fuel – coffee today xx
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I did reply but it disappeared so I will just update from today. I have told him that unless he gives up coke altogether he can not come back and let him know that although I won’t stop him seeing the kids he will have to see them through a contact centre to ensure he isn’t using when they are in his care as so far he has proven that he has no issue with doing it in their home or on his way home from work so I don’t really see any alternative this ofcourse has gone down like a lead balloon and he has blocked me from contacting him at all (only after i told him not to contact me unless it was in relation to him having given up cocaine for good) I have now had messages from his sister telling me I’m out of order and there is no need for contact centre etc and she will have them but given that she is happy with his cocaine usage again she doesn’t seem to understand why I won’t allow that and is taking it as a personal insult against her as ofcourse my kids will be I’m her care and that’s all I should consider not whether or not she will be taking them to see someone who is off their nuts at the same time please tell me I’m not over reacting
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Razzy sorry quick reply as up to my neck with kids 🙂 absolutely not off your nut, I’ve said to mine previously I would never stop him from seeing his kids they all adore one another – but I will always test and if he can’t pass or abide to that then he misses out. Not fair to the kids but no way would I have anyone under the influence looking after my precious babies .amazing how his sister justifies his behaviour – shoe on other foot I’m sure she would be chirping up with a different tune ! Xx
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Well that’s just it without going into her life story her child’s father is currently a guest of her majesty for drug related offences quite severe ones which I wasn’t aware of until it was in the paper (she is separated from him) but it didn’t just happen overnight and they were together a long time and she was well aware of his dealings so to speak
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Drugs part of every day life then for some , not for us all though xx
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Couldn’t agree more purpleheart if I’d known at the beginning what I know now I’d have steered clear. The odd thing is though is the rest of his siblings are very respectable and had no idea about any of it. I haven’t even been able to tell any of my family what is going on or the real reason as to why he isn’t a constant in out home as they would never understand as it just has never been a thing in my family well not until now. I mean my family aren’t angels my dad was an alcoholic and so was my grandad but they were both kicked to the kerb when the children (me included) were little and had minimal contact so it’s all just a complete bizarre thing for me for people to be so accepting of it as the norm especially when there are young children involved xx
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I feel like writing a book about this whole thing I shall call it ‘memoirs of a third wheel’ or ‘Him, the habit and me’
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I have seen that too siblings brought up the same – but then took complete different paths to one another .
Yeh I spoke to someone I knew who does it “ recreationally “ and he said as long as you recognise to put the white stuff down before Monday mornings work it’s ok … it wasn’t a thing around me when I was younger .. so the attitude takes me back as to how trivial it is. I hated drugs before but my god I hate them now . Think I said on here previously can’t watch a thing program now showing it without getting wound up over it .
Right well when you write that book – invite me to your book launch pls ! I’ll be one of your biggest fans and clapping throughout !!!! 😉 xx
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Hi ladies, hope you all had a good day today. Don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all Razy- my friends partner is an ex addict and he fought to get himself clean to see his kids again, he had to go to court and prove he was clean. It’s not just – it’s quite normal!
Sounds like a good plan to keep busy Bellapop and at least you know you and the kids will have fun 🙂 hope everything’s going ok.
Things are going from bad to worse here unfortunately, he’s run out of money now, I’m not sure what will happen but I hate the thought of him out there desperate and in that state, he won’t let me help him though, I think it’s got too much of a grip on him- can’t help but fear the worst, I just can’t see any good outcome now.
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Well it’s become pretty obvious that my now ex partner is already seeing someone else he’s non stop talking to someone on WhatsApp-which he hardly used when we were together changed all his social media pictures from ones of either him and the kids or us as a family to pictures of him from before we got together when he was in much better shape I will add. I did ask him and the response I got was we are over so what’s it got to do with me -at this point it had been less then 48 hours since I told him he wouldn’t be coming back unless he gave up the coke for good so looks like he’s definitely made that choice for us all now. He is still at his sisters and she Is now not speaking to me either following the contact centre discussion but I won’t lose any sleep over any of it the babies are both bathed and in bed and I’m tucked in with a good book. Fayzey I’m sorry to hear things have gotten worse usually though running out of money means the come down starts and they head home for somewhere to sleep pretty quickly although I’m not sure what you’d prefer at this point I hope you all have as good as night as can be hoped for xx
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Razy, that’s outrageous, it sounds like you’ve definitely done the right thing. You sound quite strong about its probably good to be angry at him. Hope you are ok underneath though – this must be so hurtful. The profile pictures made me lol slightly these men are pathetic aren’t they if only they put up a realistic profile I doubt they’d be getting much attention. Xx
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Morning bellapop and you all x
I’m feeling so down , I know after the bust we had and the two days of him clearing off again to use and god knows what else I have to end this , I cannot live like this any longer , and no matter what he says I have to stick to my guns . I’m so miserable , been having trouble functioning – I can’t be on my best mummy duties because I’m so distracted and screwed up . I’ve tried everything and tried to reset and make it work so many times .
I’ve been thinking , i have counselling for this , go to meditation classes I’ve had to put myself into things to help me heal and try to find a way through … and he has done absolutely nothing to try and fix himself , just week after week lie to me about how this is the week it ends and he doesn’t need help because he’s not an addict !? . 2 years later … I’m still no further on just more damaged mentally and in my heart . Sorry what a glum message for first thing . Hope you all have some of decent weekend , keep strong ladies xxxxx
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Hi purpleheart, so sorry you are feeling this way, I know exactly how you’re feeling , it’s so frustrating and depressing isn’t it. You have to think of you and the kids, it’s no life what we’ve been having to put up with – I look round at my friends and I feel a world apart from them at the moment. Sending hugs xxx
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Thanks Bella ❤️ , just made me cry because that’s so true . I feel like everyone else is growing old together and tackling life as a team and here – nothing , I’ve nothing left in the tank . I know nobody’s relationship is perfect but this – it’s a car crash I wish it on no one . And mine just thinks we have relationship problems like there’s nothing he else in the picture – god how deluded does coke make them xxxxxx
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Yep I know what you mean – i’ve basically been tee total for most of our relatiknship, hardly seen my friends as I don’t want to cause him to relapse. It’s like having an unruly teenager I think rather than a partner. I am worried for the future and how this is going to impact his son but at the moment just getting through each day at a time. I got to the point where I couldn’t do it anymore – have to say stress has got much worse since then but like you said before there’s a line and once it’s crossed enough times you can’t go back. So sad though because I know he loves us and wants to be a better person but he just can’t seem to do it xxxxxx
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I feel like I’m at exactly the same place as you right now. Its so hard to stick with what you know is right once you decide enough is enough as either they come crawling back with the sorrys and empty promises or you literally cant help but beg them to come back and stay as you feel so lonely and worthless without them there or at least that’s what usually happens for me. I’m 24 hours into zero contact on my part now and it’s killing me as I could so easily reply to him as now he’s realised I’m not arguing or giving him anything he’s wondering what is going on. The more I have looked at all the things they do they are just complete narcissists whether that’s the coke making them that way or just how they are I don’t know but please be strong I know it’s hard but you’ve got this Stand your ground it could be the kick in the bum he needs to get sorted or wvwn just the kick in the bum u need to be finally free from the torment xxx
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Sorry Fayzey just realised I didn’t read names properly before and you had replied ( I’ve barely slept last night ).mine tells me that I’m going to have our boys from a broken home if I make to decision to quit . And I will have to take them out of the family home as we would have to sell . I’m so scared of damaging my kids but I’m damaged and I can’t be there for them properly the way it is now .
Razzy I’m a little the other way I think deep down I wish he would end it then he would put me out of my misery . Mine just keeps telling me that we will talk when we are more comfortable ?! … what the hell does that mean – thing is there’s not one thing left to discuss apart from splitting and who goes where . I’m so sad and so done xxxxxxx
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A guy called James on here who is a former addict said to me the other week that even though a break is bad for the kids, so is living with an addict dad and a stressed and miserable mum and I think that’s true – maybe they will sort themselves out and that would be great but in the meantime we have to have some boundaries about what is acceptable to put up with day in day out. But then I am now fully doubting myself as the consequences have been awful. Ugh so draining. Xxxx
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Thing is too I know that somewhere in there the guy I fell in love with is there – but this version I don’t recognise and cannot stand any longer . And I can’t keep waiting and hoping for my old love to reappear because that may never happen ever xx
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The kids will be more damaged growing up in a home with an addict in then without that’s the only thing allowing me to stay strong this time my oldest has not said dada or daddy for the last 3 days and honestly she’s happier just me her and the baby it’s so settled and we have a proper routine. I saw a quote the other day and it’s basically said ‘if you didnt cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it’ and it hit me like a ton of bricks none of us deserve this we didn’t ask for this and the only ones that can change themselves are them not us we are just left to pick up the peaces and be strong for everyone even them its really soul destroying and draining xxx
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Yes Razy I saw that quote too and it’s very true and made me see things in a different way, we’re fighting a losing battle trying to fix them as it can only come from them xxxx
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Bless your baby Razy , mine have been the same because he goes off on a bender so Often and makes no contact at all ( I could never do no matter what I was u see the influence of ! ).
Sorry to be so glum on my messages . I’m in a really awful place . Love you and leave you for now . Take care girls thanks for always listening and reminding me that I am not alone – even though we can’t see each other it’s comforting to know somewhere out there there’s others that completely get all this sh1t show xxxxxx
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Don’t be sorry its won’t always be like this of that I’m sure. I’m the same as you in the respect of not being able to understand how they don’t seem able to remember they have kids when they are under the influence cos there would be nothing stopping me contacting mine even if I didn’t want to speak to who they were being looked after by they come first end of. Today’s a new day and you can get through it xx
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Stay strong everyone, we can do this one way or another and we’ll always be there for our kids putting them first. I’m dreading what today will bring. I’m so glad we have each other I don’t think I could get through this without chatting to you all xxxx
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Yous are me ten months ago. Run and run fast wish I had more positive things to say but it has tore me down to hue point of a breakdown the filthy things that have came out which goes with coke hand in hand are disgusting , you try to convince yourself for months that things arnt but , but trust me they are worse than you could ever imagine
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Mammy how are you ? Not heard from you for a while xx
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Dreadful tbh , any word yet on don’t have a clue x
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Oh dear don’t put too much pressure on yourself . No not a thing been over a month , hope to his she’s ok, find it strange she’s not commented again – just hoping she’s ok been logging on but doesn’t feel like talking 🙁 xx
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🙂 Bella pop .
My doctor said to me it’s like being married to a big child ha she’s quite brutal but made me laugh ( made my meds review not as depressing no pun intended ).
Mine commented yesterday on how he’s figuring out why he started doing the stuff in the first place although he seems to have forgotten he’s been taking “recreationally” on nights out for approx 15 years !!!. He implied it was because of our relationship – I didn’t take kindly to that but maybe it is in some way … but I haven’t turned to anything ! Don’t even drink ! Good job tbf xx
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Hi ladies, hope you’re all doing good and things have been ok so far this week. Purpleheart that’s so ridiculous, its hardly like you’ve been encouraging him. – they always find someone else to blame and I think until they start taking responsibility they won’t change, I’m sure that’s part of the 12 steps.
Mine did actually stop the crack as of Sunday night, he ran out of money and it’s such a relief as I was getting suicidal messages everytime he ran out of stuff presumably, then no word for 12 hours meanwhile I was worried sick thinking I should call an ambulance. Anyway he seems much better, I took our son to see him briefly and we’re meant to go to the park together at the weekend.
I feel totally traumatised over everything that’s happened the last few months – he hasn’t mentioned coming back and I’m glad. I just hope he can stay where he is for a while and we can get into a bit of a new routine. Had my hair cut yesterday so that made me feel better and got some time off work now so hopefully can get back on a level. Couldn’t make this stuff up could you – now have to decide what to tell people.
Sending positive vibes to you all xxx
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Morning ladies ,
Mine can look for blame all he likes but he still refuses to seek professional help that’s what he should be addressing first off :/.
Fazey you must be shattered – emotional adrenaline whilst he causes the chaos and then when it ends the exhaustion sweeps over doesn’t it – does good for treats though like hair 🙂 I promise myself little treats like that every so often just to get by- helps massively – hope your time off helps you recover . Bella hope yours is going ok too.
Catch you soon – take care xxx
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Hi Bellapop, really good to hear from you and glad things are a bit more settled for you. Mine would also have times when he seemed tired/ill/low and he will never say how he’s feeling so it’s a guessing game isn’t it as to what’s causing it – does yours open up about how he’s feeling at all? Do you think he could be depressed?
I am at a point now where the slightest sign like that and I would assume he’s used but i’m hoping I can get some trust back at some point….All I’m getting at the moment is he’s ‘feeling fine’ which I find hard to believe after a week of smoking crack non stop, I get a 2 day hangover after a few glasses of wine so can only imagine how I’d feel after that lol. He’s still not home, I just can’t do it, I feel too anxious thinking about it, but he does seem like the real him is back for the first time in months and i’m taking him to a NA meeting this morning so small positive signs…..
xxxx
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