[thelostone]

I first started posting on here some two and a half, maybe three years ago. I found the forum after discovering my partner was using drugs. Not knowing anything about drugs and not having any support, I came to this site – and found so many other desperate souls in the same position as I was. I look back now, seeing how far I’ve come and what I’ve learned, and so I am writing this. Because if I can help others through what I went through, some good may come of my experiences.

When I discovered my boyfriend was on crack, the first thing I did was call a drug helpline. I will never forget the man’s words to me. “Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.” Even back then, I knew it was the right advice…but I didn’t want to hear it. He was the love of my life. So I stayed, for nearly 3 years – at the cost of my physical and mental health. He destroyed my self-worth and my confidence – and I didn’t even see it happening. A drug addict will chew you up and spit you out, and while you are busy fighting for them, you tell yourself that once they stop, everything will be wonderful again.

You go through very clear and recognisable stages supporting an addict. I decided to support him when he told me he could stop with my help. When it became clear that wasn’t true, I bargained with him (I can’t see you as long as you use). Do you really think an addict takes any notice of this? Then I went through a very protracted stage of splitting up and reuniting with him. I’d break away for a few weeks, and then all it would take would be a message or a call – and I’d go running back to him. A few emotional words… (I love you, I will stop, I can do this with your help, I can’t do this without you). Then I started blocking him – to stop him contacting me. He would instigate a way to bump into me, and he’d look so pitiful and so sorry. What I didn’t realise then was that his sorrow wasn’t for me, it was for him – the type of self-pity that is as second nature to addicts to telling lies is.

As my health declined, mentally and physically, I became ill. Coughs, colds, viruses, headaches, mood swings, sleep deprivation, appetite swings… I was in a constant state of high alert. If I was with him and his phone rang – or his mood changed, or I couldn’t get hold of him or find him (as addicts are wont to disappear off the radar), I would get the most sickening feeling in my stomach. The sort of feeling that by now so familiar it would turn everything in my stomach to mush.

I would trawl the streets and visit his flat looking for him. I put myself in personal danger so many times I lost count. Confronting other addicts he associated with, and even a dealer on one occasion. I just lost my head I was so overwhelmed with hopelessness. I also had a few occasions where I found myself walking home alone (12 at night and 3am one time) because I’d uncovered a fresh set of lies. Did he care? A young woman walking home alone? No. He pulled the covers over his head and went back to sleep. He didn’t even try to contact me.

My lowest point (and this wasn’t even enough to make me walk away) was being sat at a table in a restaurant and he snapped at me, over nothing. I had no confidence or self-worth left by now, and felt sick. He asked if I was going to cheer up, and I said I didn’t feel happy. His reply was ‘Well, you might as well f*** off then.’

I didn’t blame him. I blamed myself. People treat you the way you let them treat you. And I had let it get to this. Because I felt worthless. In trying to help him, to save him, I had allowed him to dismantle my own character. I used to be a strong woman, independent, smart, strong, and really bubbly. Nothing of that remained. He even managed to make me feel like an idiot – with the lies, and the snide remarks whenever I didn’t understand something.

Another thing he did so well was to make it seem like all these problems were mine. They were all in my head, totally imagined. An addict will lie so often and so convincingly that you actually start to doubt yourself. It’s so powerful you may doubt the evidence of your own eyes and ears. I started to feel like I was losing my sanity. Please trust me when I say this: it sneaks up on you and you don’t even see it happening.

My partner went into rehab in early 2021. He spent a total of 10 weeks there. In my heart, I knew it wasn’t going to be enough for him to stop. I told myself, and subsequently him, ‘when you come home, this is it. If you use now, we are done.’ He came home exactly the same man that left. He had zero insight into the driving forces behind his addiction, and no tools whatsoever to fight his battle. Within 2 weeks, he’d used again. Did he tell me? No. How did I find out? I saw the glaringly obvious difference between the clean boyfriend, and the addict that had used again. The mood, the voice, the attitude, even his walk was different, and I knew instantly. It was confirmed to me when he shouted so loudly he even shocked himself. He apologised.. but I knew. And when I asked him why I was getting the familiar old attitude, he swaggered away from me. ‘I dunno. When you find out, let me know’ he said. I gathered my things up and left, and he didn’t bother to look up, or speak a word. That was 3 days before my birthday.

I have spent the last 16 weeks rebuilding myself. Healing myself. Getting fit, mentally and physically, caring for myself, eating well… and allowing myself to grieve for a man who isn’t actually dead – but might just as well be.

It takes much more strength to walk away than it does to stay. Because on a human level, you feel you are giving up on the person you love. If, like me, you are a kind person, it goes completely against your nature not to respond when your loved one is calling out to you emotionally. So many nights I spent alone, crying.. no, SOBBING, and despite him being the cause, I wished he was there to comfort me. I got so low one night I knelt by my bed and actually prayed for a release from all this, because I knew I just wasn’t strong enough to do it myself. But for all those lonely nights, the minute he reached out to me, I was there. If he reconnected with me, I would go running back to help him. I likened it to this analogy: It’s like running into a burning building to rescue them, and they keep running back inside. How many times do you want to do it before you realise you are getting burned?

So, over 16 weeks down, I’ve done a pretty good job. I have got genuine happiness and peace of mind back. I’ve no anxiety, or health issues, or any of the by-products of my time with him. My self-belief is returning, and my confidence will come I am sure.

Then yesterday I had a call from an unknown number. Without thinking I answered. “Hello [name]…” he said. It was him. Because he has remained blocked since the day I walked away from him, he’d withheld his number – allowing the call to come through. I immediately hung up. Within an hour I was hit by a sea of emotions. This reaction is only something the loved ones of addicts will understand. It’s involuntary, it’s unstoppable, and unavoidable. It just hit me. The anger threatened to overwhelm me. But I allowed it to overcome me, and knew I would get through it. I cried. I lost my appetite. I felt sick. Then I started to think about how I would have dealt with this – maybe a year or so ago:

* He called. He loves me really. He must be thinking of me. He needs me.

* I can’t abandon him. I can’t just leave him sounding so low.

* He must be sorry for what happened.

Once I’d calmed down, I looked again at those thoughts and how I felt about them today:

* It’s took him 16 WEEKS to call. Busy doing something else? Yeah, drugs.

* Did he call to see how I was? Was he calling because he was worried about me? NO. Did he think I might be low? NO. He was calling because he has once again hit a low… and thought it was just fine to call me – and that maybe the kind, compassionate person I am would come running back.

* Is he sorry? If I had £1 for every sorry he said or wrote, I could retire. A sorry is meaningless without changed behaviour – and his behaviour didn’t change in 3 years. I relieved the same pattern of behaviour over and over again, like some sick version of Groundhog Day. I took the lies, the abuse, the deceit, the heartache, over and over again.

Did he consider how it would impact me, making that call? NO.

Was he genuinely worried about me? NO.

Will things ever change? NO. The only difference is that now I truly am strong enough to put a stop to the cycle of abuse and destruction that my addict had me on.

I can freely admit this man was the love of my life. I adored him, respected him, admired him. I wanted him. He destroyed ALL of that and systematically dismantled the love, trust and loyalty I had for him.

The break I have had has allowed me to see what he is:

A weak, self-pitying, lying, selfish and manipulative drug addict.

We convince ourselves they love us. Let me tell you this now if you haven’t come to the painful reality. They have one true love – drugs. And if you get in the way of that, they will destroy you and take you down with them.

I write this today, feeling like a strong woman. I am fit, healthy, happy – and I am determined that never again will I let myself be treated so utterly appallingly. I hope this story gives others strength to do the same.

[esta]

Keep going forward

[paul0572]

Wow what an amazing story and I can relate so much .

My ex now has a new partner , and obviously I’m rock bottom . As she went into rehab for 3 weeks but I was told she was trying to get drop offs there .

Straight out of rehab she moved in with her friend from rehab who has a flat in Birmingham , he was/is an alcoholic and he new bf who was a cocaine addict like her.

I didn’t know she had a new bf as she kept this very quiet .

I had to drive there a few weeks ago as she was in a right mess. Saying she felt like she was gonna die , her heart was comming out of her chest , she can’t cope etc ….drove all the way there and she looked like a rite mess .

Last week it was he grandads funeral and she left he new boyfriend on the night of the wake and her family to go and use with another lad/dealer . She didn’t get home till 9 am the following morning.

I texted he old dealer and he said she even asked him 4 days before if he wanted a mid week sesh .

She admitted to me that she did use on the night of the funeral , but that was only because she was back in the local area .

I really feel like she’s still using and I still want to save her. Is it possible that this was just a 1 time relapse or has she moved to Birmingham so No1 can see what she’s up too

[icarus-trust]

Thanks for sharing.

Keep strong.

[anon1987]

Amazing. Thank you for sharing & keep going x

[Author]

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