[vmac123]

I’m not even sure why I’m posting today… I just feel full and need to offload. I’ve been with my fiancé for 8 years, living in our house for just over 3 years. He had told me he had an issue with gambling quite early on but he never seemed to struggle for money after this initial blow out and for all I knew he had put it behind him. 6 years later we move into our mortgaged house and not long after we moved in I noticed he was drinking heavily. I would find cans and bottles hidden as well as notes and letters to himself where he was saying he wanted to kill himself. Eventually I addressed this. Turns out he had severe gambling addiction and was drinking he said through boredom. I tried to support him. I paid for a councillor – he didn’t go. He went to AA but then quit. The last 2 years have been a cycle of him trying then falling off the wagon. As such, we haven’t had sex because I don’t feel in the mood so no way I’m ever going to be a parent at this rate. Last October, I had enough. I told him to go and stay with his parents. He made real progress. He then came home and has started paying me some money towards the house (before this I had nothing off him). He’s still drinking though. He drinks sometimes and hides it from me. Then, last week I found a container with small plastic sachets of white power. I don’t know what they are. We have not had the best of weeks and have barely spoken. I love him but I don’t know if I can keep living like this. Anyway I just really wanted somewhere to offload – I feel like all of this is a weight on my mind all the time. This feels better getting it out.

[holkat]

Hi VMac123

I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through, and I hope it’s been helpful to share here. I completely feel your pain and also go through this emotional turmoil constantly, every day. Also the no sex! He actually said to me once, why do we never have sex? I completely blew my top because why would I be in any mood for intimacy when he had been drinking most days and lies to me and doesn’t ever listen to me or talk to me about anything.

I have just been saying in another post, I do not want to live my life like this or have our relationship like this but I feel a massive guilt and responsibility and that’s what is stopping me at the moment, that is my biggest struggle. My partner has no family and pretty much nowhere to go so I genuinely don’t know what he would do if I said it was over. I would be terrified he would fall more deeply into drinking and all these what if’s just wear me down because I do still love and care about him so much.

Keep talking and sharing, it has been so helpful to me to hear your experience and I am so sorry for what you’re facing x

[Author]

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