[dragonella]

The mother of my 2 year old grandson is an alcoholic. She has been for many years, and the immediate family are deeply affected.

My son is a dedicated father and stands by his partner, living in hope that one day she will get better and they can be a proper family.

I understand she has been to alcohol support groups on and off, and social services have been involved, though knowing the little boy has family support around have not intervened other than a few home visits and inspections (I recently moved house by 100 miles to help my son and grandson)

Every family occasion is ruined by this woman, by her secret drinking and chaotic behaviour. I am beginning to tire of it, and think that by offering help with my grandson I am simply enabling her addiction. She will stop at nothing, and though we plan family events to be alcohol free she will find a way, for example by stealing if necessary.

It is so not fair on my son and grandson! I don’t know why they don’t simply walk away, so she can see how much she has to lose!

I feel helpless and angry with her, and really don’t know what to do.

[vixem]

I really feel your pain, as you know I am living in your sons shoes. There are so many questions and no answers. Where do I go if I leave? Who will care for my child while I am at work? And by helping out we are enabling their sickness. I know that all situations are different but I know we need to find the strength to do the right thing for the whole family. I have a meeting with my boss today to ask for term time work only and sociable hours. Don’t think I will get anywhere but this is the first of many decisions I am trying to make my way through. Send my love and strength to your son and keep fighting on for him and your grandchild. Your support will be keeping him strong. X

[vixem]

How have things been for you today.? I keep thinking about you all, hoping she isn’t causing too much trouble. In the scheme of things ive had quite a good day. My oh has stayed relatively sober and hasn’t caused one upset since the hangover episode this morning. However, I am not letting one good day affect my plans. I am determined to make things better for my daughter one way or another. Having someone to talk to finally is giving me the strength to carry on. Thank god I found this forum. I really was loosing my way.

[seanpaxson]

Try out Ibogaine, its natural and will be of great help to cut his addiction.

In the modern world, ibogaine is becoming popular as an effective treatment of addiction and withdrawal symptoms. It has been used to help people addicted to substances such as opioids, cocaine, amphetamines and alcohol.

Amazing story about micro dosing Ibogaine. Wave bye bye to your habit, no muss, no fuss…

wickr; changshung for more details….

[dragonella]

Hi Vixem, Well I am just the grandma and my son hasn’t been in touch so I can only guess what’s happening. What I think is, everything will have all blown up after I told them I was cross about her downing a bottle of rum at my son’s 18th. And then everything will have calmed back down again. Making it seem like it’s me causing trouble! I think the problem is brushed under the carpet far too often and its the little boy who will suffer. I hope you have a bearable weekend, and manage to keep things under control xx

[vixem]

Unfortunately as you said it has probably been brushed under the carpet again. I can’t tell you how many times my partner and I have had that final row. Then he has got up next morning like nothing had happened. However, in your sons heart he knows it is not your fault, he may not say it because he doesn’t want to provoke the monster. He is just desperate to keep the peace.

He also might still be in denial if he asks her to stop eventually she will.

Hopefully he won’t leave it as long as I have before he starts to make changes. I’ve got a long way to go but I already feel I have achieved so much in the last week..

[dragonella]

Hi Vixem

Well it seems there is more going on than I knew about. My son is desperately trying to do something but he says he can’t afford it. They are on a low income and she gets all the tax credits and a lot of that goes on booze. He says he simply can’t afford to be a single dad (he could live with me but I work too and he says there’s no way he could afford the child care costs on his own)

So the little boy is stuck in a vulnerable position for financial reasons and that doesn’t seem right at all.

She has announced she is taking the little boy on a camping holiday this week coming, on her own with a friend. That sounds like an impossible nightmare and my son is trying to put a stop to that, and he’s not sure how.

Once again he’s been in touch with social services but they are unable to intervene as he is the responsible parent.

I wonder what you would do if your partner announced that he was taking your daughter away like that? Xx

[vixem]

There is no way I would allow it. But at the same time it probably wouldn’t be followed through as it may have seemed a good idea through drink. I have given up on social services I have spoken to gingerbread and they worked out what benefits I would receive as a single parent. Including help with childcare. It may be worth looking at what he could get all depending on what he earns, hours he works. My struggle is I can start at 5.30 am and can finish at 10.30pm so I struggle for childcare. But if he works 9-5 there is more help available. I really feel for you all. It shouldn’t be finances that cause us to stay with these people but sometimes you have no choice. Xx

[dragonella]

Hi Vixem, thank you for the advice about Gingerbread- my son is looking at that now as there’s a benefit calculator on there.

I am hoping my son decides what is for the best, at the moment he says he just doesn’t know what to do. But he does work 9-5 and is also in a band, which takes him away from home now and again. I don’t want to advise him what to do but my heart tells me the little boy needs to be removed from this toxic situation before it starts affecting him xx

[honey2019]

I think enabling her by supporting your son and grandson is irrelevant. Ultimately the welfare of your grandson is paramount and trumps enabling her addiction. If you are heavily involved in your grandsons upbringing you can provide him with a safe place, where he is provided with the care and consistency that he isn’t getting from her. It is very sad as I’m sure that underneath it all she is very troubled but meanwhile that little boy is being brought up in a chaotic environment and that won’t help support his development. Do whatever you can to support your son and grandson. Even if that means she gets worse. Might sound harsh but like I say, child comes first here

[dragonella]

Hi Honey

Of course the little boy comes first. Him and my son were with me most of the weekend.

What I have put a stop to is picking him up once a week to look after him for the day.

The story behind that is that she has been offered alcohol support and rehabilitation.

So I took a full day off work once a week so she could go with a friend.

But that lasted about twice and she’s been using the free day to top up her booze.

That day is what I have put a stop to. As she is under orders from social services not to drink when she’s in sole charge of the little one, which is 9-5 weekdays.

My son is there the rest of the time and does the morning and tea and bedtime routine.

Not acceptable in any way shape or form.

But I am not going to look after little one while she stays at home drinking.

The friend I believe is the biggest enabler of her addiction.

My son is in a financial trap, does not even touch a drop and the only thing I have said (he is in his late twenties) is that I’m not going to make his mind up for him. But I am always here, there is a whole spare room made up and all the equipment a little one needs, high chair, cot, pram all to provide respite whenever needed.

But at the end of the day I have no parental responsibility, only they do.

I am also the single mum of another son, the uncle of little one, who has been too ill to attend school for two years now.

He is also a priority xx

[vixem]

I really hope that your son has found a little help through gingerbread and is managing his way through. I hope the weekend hasn’t been too painful. Mine has been relatively light until tonight when he admitted he should have already gone years ago. This has sent him on a spiral of remorse and regret. Waiting for him to come home. Keep fighting your corner and support your son as much as you can. We will find a way xxxx

[honey2019]

Such a hard situation for you. You are doing a great job being there for your son and grandson. Its so frustrating isn’t it? The addiction just takes precedence for them and it’s so hard to make them see. X

[icarus-trust]

I can see how worried you are for your grandson and am sure that you are a really good support for your son who is having such a tough time.

If you think it would help, you might like to talk with one of our people at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people going through similar situations to yourself caused by the addiction of a family member. Talking through how you are feeling might help you and answer some of your questions.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrst.org

Good luck with everything.

[dragonella]

Thank you very much, I’ll try Icarus. I feel quite helpless otherwise xx

[icarus-trust]

Really hope it helps.

Wishing you well.

[Author]

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