[2468]

My son has dabbled with drugs for a long time but now he smoking crack stealing from us just don’t what to do for the best. I don’t want to throw him out of our house obviously it causes trouble with my husband who us his step dad I know I have to stay strong if I’m going to help him as he asking for help just so confused as what I can do I hide a lot from my husband which I hate doing but I can’t cope with it all just needed to sound I know we not alone

[zoescripps]

You’re not alone. Don’t ever feel like you are.

Get help, take him to he doctors? Or go on the NHS website, they have lots of information and let you know about charities that can help. Talk to frank is also a good one.

Don’t feel alone.

[2468]

Thank you for replying. He needs to be ready to go for help at the moment he thinks he dosnt need ir. He gone to stay with a friend to give us some space such a worry as just want him to be happy. Hope u sort yourself out too stay strong

[zoescripps]

Don’t thank me. We’re all in similar situations and should support each other.

I am in the same situation too, my partner thinks he doesn’t need help. He’s constantly pushing me and our daughter away. Unfortunately from the research I’ve done had advice I’ve been given we literally have to sit back and wait for them to be ready. Which is like torture. But until they are ready, there’s nothing we can do. It’s suxh a shame they can’t see the hurt they are causing.

[2468]

Hi there yes it’s such hard work watching someone who you love harm them self’s and us who love them I ask myself why me why my son all the time. I have two daughters and another son all fine and care about there brother. Some times I cope better than others are you like that and some times I feel bitter.

[amethyst2018]

Hello I’ve just joined this group as I too have a son doing crack it’s extremely hard to cope with, I’m trying to get him help have a meeting on Monday…. I’m similar to you as in his step dad deals with things differently to me so I deal with a lot of it on my own… can I ask how old your son is please ?

[2468]

He is 30 and yes I do most of it alone because hubby just negative and hurtful I know he right but he still my son. It’s hardest thing iv ever done I love my son and have no idea how to help. I’m having some councerling about to start with a family group. I hear all they saying bur when u dealing with it its so hard. I’m piggy in the middle all the time. Sometimes I just want to dissappear. How old is your son. I have 3other children 2older girls 1younger sin all independent. It’s so draining feel my life on hold

[amethyst2018]

I think it’s great you are getting some help for yourself too…. my son is 17 I’m so desperate to help him stop, my brother is 32 been heroin addict for 15 years it’s so tough and I don’t want to give up hope but but hubby is very negative too and it drags me down even more

[2468]

I know how that feels I always say once a mother always a mother and that maternal pull is powerful. Hardest thing iv ever dealt with

[mary]

So sad to hear these stories, my son still lives with us (he’s 24) and now has mental health issues which makes it now too hard to ask him to leave. People told me to ask him to leave years ago, tough love and all that. Looking back I think it would have helped him to reach rock bottom. We all want to help our children but sounds like we want it more than they do. I’ve learned the hard way, they need to suffer the consequences of their behaviour, hope you find help for you.

[2468]

I know what u mean but it’s so hard to walk away from your son or daughter. We are not alone we know but it dosnt help how u feel at the moment. I talk to people but when it ends iv no idea. I feel if I moved away would I ever rest he has no one other than me but I really want to walk for my own sanaty it’s horrible situation I have 3other children all grown up and standing on there own 2 feet. Do u get any councerling

[2468]

Hi there yes it’s a very difficult situation we all in and not easy to deal with I want to walk away one minute and help the next.

[2468]

I try and think like that but it’s not easy I go through stages where I think that’s what I should do then I think no I can’t I feel they need u and I want to help but it’s not easy is it. My son can be so nice then so selfish. I except that’s what the life they lead does to them. I’m in turmoil all the time I feel guilty iv got my husband involved in the mess we in he dosnt deal with it that we’ll the stealing ect but it’s my son and I can’t turn my back on him so it’s putting a wedge between my hubby and me

[amethyst2018]

I thought things were getting better as he got a job and changed his focus but no seems he’s in deeper cannot kick him out but also can’t be honest with my partner I feel like such a terrible mother/partner

[2468]

You are not a bad mother or partner all we do as a mother is our best and we are stuck in the middle all the time I’m in turmoil all the time and it gets harder like u I love my son and feel guilty about my partner going through it but we can’t be blamed all the time.

[lizziee]

You are not alone. There are many parents out there living with this nightmare and I have been comforted that other people can understand what I am going through. Once your child is addicted and wants those drugs more than anything else – even more than the respect of their family, then the battle is hard. I spoke to my son a couple of days ago for the first time in weeks and he was sober for the first time in months and admitted he needs help. This is a huge step after years of abuse. I don’t think he will ever understand the impact he has had on our family, I could literally cry while I am writing this as like most people I just get on with it, dealing with one crisis at a time while trying to keep the family together. I have to keep hanging on to that bit of hope that things will get better and both him and me and we will come out the other side with some semblance of sanity, the alternative is too difficult to contemplate. Stay strong! x

[lime18]

Hi I’m also new.my son is 29 he’s been an addict for about 10 years I still can’t believe it and it’s devastating so if anyone fancies a chat .Ive stayed up late tonight reading all these posts and there heartbreaking but I now know that I’m not on my own

[icarus-trust]

Hello,

Thanks for posting. I’m sorry that you feel that you are alone in this. I hope that you can get some support for yourself as well as your son, because what you are dealing with is very hard.

I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust that is set up to support people who are dealing with the impact of a family member or friend’s addiction. If you contact us you could be put in touch with one of our Family Friends, who you might find it helpful to talk with. They are trained and very experienced and can help you to know what support is out there for you.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

[robbiejames]

Hi, I am in the same situation and recognise this is taking over my life. I feel desperately sad, exhausted and have isolated myself from everyone. I feel so numb and feel like I will feel like this forever.

[amethyst2018]

Can I ask how old you are? There is hope you just need to get the right help, I’m in the process of helping my son he’s feeling like you it’s very hard but you can beat this…. can you ask a family member for help? Please don’t give up x

[robbiejames]

I am 53 and my drug addicted son is 29. He has been an addict for 12yrs. Currently he is in hospital but not speaking to me as I won’t give him money. I am terrified he is going to die and am finding it difficult to function because of this. I just wish I could switch my emotions off but I can’t!!

[amethyst2018]

Sorry I read it as though you were the addict… is he in hospital due to his drug use?…. my son is 17 couldn’t bare 10 years of this! You’re doing the right thing not giving him money I hope you get the support you need too

[lime18]

Hi I’m 51 and my son is also 29 he spends quite a lot of time in hospital he struggles with his chest and breathing he doesn’t look after himself or use his medication I haven’t heard from him yet today but the call will come it’s terrible to hear how upset and desperate he can sound he says you don’t understand how I feel etc but yes we all do Don t we ?I feel his misery but have tried and tried as you probably have and no your right you can’t switch off he’s on my mind constantly it wakes me up at night panicking and having palpitations. So your not on your own but I don’t know what we can do ?my son is a lovely caring and emotional young man but he is ruining his life he’s lost most precious things like closeness with his family as he shuts them out and owns nothing but the clothes on his back as when we replace them he looses them I have some socks in my bag for him at the mo but haven’t seen him.??? I’m at a loss

[2468]

We all feel the same it’s a never ending worry I’m away at the moment but can’t stop thinking about my son as havnt heard from him today so worrying. I wish I could walk away sometimes but I can’t but as all of us it consumes our life’s. I’m so sad sometimes

[lime18]

I hope you manage to get some quality time while your away some me time as you appear to be Just like me the worry never goes away I’m at it again today…try to enjoy xx

[amethyst2018]

Things have got worse with my son he needs rehab but I can’t afford it it’s so awful

[lime18]

Hi I’m so sorry to hear that your son has got worse hes only young isn’t he ? You surely wouldn’t need to pay for rehab. Xx

[amethyst2018]

He’ll be 18 in April for an under 18 treatment centre it’s £15,000 for 28days…. over 18 it varies from £1000 -£5000 a week. It’s so unfair no wonder so many people can’t get well again x

It’s a long process to get a nhs rehab sadly

[dnanon]

Hi All, it’s good to read all your posts which makes me realise other parents in same situation as us. My son is 32 and has been a cocaine addict for approx 10 years. He started socially at weekends but it has now taken over his life. Two failed relationships, one child with each. He has no job as ended up self employed but was unreliable. We helped him sell his house before Christmas before it got repossessed. We haven’t really heard from him since end of November as he has cut us off. He ended up with a large amount of money. We were paying his household bills so that he would be straight with these. He still has big debts from credit cards but we consolidated these through Stepchange. He also owes a close family member a large sum of money which we are now paying off. Gave his girlfriend his xmas presents and have tried to contact him via phone, text but hardly anything other than odd short text. Can’t go and see him as he lives in a flat with security code access. We know from when he was in his house that he would just ignore us and not answer. He hasn’t been in touch with his kids or their mums since end of November. He had just got back to seeing them after not seeing them for months. Can’t get any info from his new gf as she has to check with him. She is standing by him but not telling us what he is doing even though we are offering our support. I have watched videos on YouTube and sent for books to try and understand the addiction. I text him and explained what I have done and suggested he watch one of the videos. When I asked if he had watched it he said not yet and then I haven’t had any response since. Over the past two years he has lived on and off with us and let us control his money but in the end he always takes back control and goes back to cocaine. We are both at our wits end and it’s caused a massive strain on our relationship. We have been to counselling but stopped as hubby said it focussed on us but didn’t tell us how we can help our son. Sorry to pour it all out but it does help.

[lime18]

Hi DNAnon I’ve just read your post and I feel for you very much please dont think I’m a misery or negative person but my son is 30 hes been addicted to cofr ffcaine for at least 10 years I’m sorry to say but he has had a lot of help debts paid rent paid etc he has a loving family. No kids and lost his girlfriend/best friend of 10 yrs long story but he is now in a homeless hostel he could engage with services who could help .he was supposed to meet up with me today we were going to make a curry I’d got all the ingredients. He didn’t get up he missed yet another appointment. Probation,doctors .his health is terrible he suffers with chronic asthma made worse by inhaling cocaine and whatever other shit chemicals are in it I am so sorry if I have had a rant but that’s my son .he doesn’t always have a phone but must have one tonight he txt I’m gonna keep fighting I’ve heard it all before he needs to fight a lot harder but that must be extremely difficult when you have evil drug dealing scum on your back getting you to do things for them to be rewarded with cocaine it’s a terrible cycle .sorry I needed to say it because I wait every day and hope x

[dnanon]

Not at all, I think we all need a rant. Sometimes it helps a little if we tell someone else. I know exactly what you mean about those evil drug dealing scum. What annoys me is that some of them seem respectful and have their own families. I hope they all get their comeuppance one day. I hope that both our sons will hit their rock bottom and really make an effort to get clean. It can be done. Look at Danman and how he is fighting to change is life. I wait in hope too along with you. Take care x

[lime18]

Thankyou and yes let’s keep hoping it’s nice to know another mum understands the hideous situation. Let’s keep our chins up xx

[dnanon]

Yes definitely, chins up xx

[lime18]

Hi DNAnon yes let’s try to keep our chins up ! And be happy ,cheerful and normal whatever normal feels like? I’ve had a lovely girlie day out with my two closest friends who I’ve grown up with I love them to bits my son wasn’t really mentioned just briefly I said hes not well ,they know that but hes not there son so they will never ever understand the pain of it .he has a phone at the mo or did have earlier that could now have gone for a bit of that stuff I dont even like saying the C word so I txt him to say I hope your feeling ok? Which he wont be because he is 30 and has nothing hes staying in a bloody homeless hostel with other addicts but I dont think he has actually come to terms that he is also an addict. I really dont know when this will end but hope to God it does one day xxx

[amethyst2018]

It really scares me that your sons are 10 years into there addictions, when did you become aware of their addictions? X

[lou1321]

My son is 24 and dabbled from the age of 16 but probably properly addicted since the age of 19. I had to put locks on the bedroom doors so that he couldn’t steal from his brother and sisters, he admits he is an addict and has been through a 28 day rehab centre at an expense to his grandparents. (£10K) he came out full of hope but he is fully back on it again, I added up what I have paid out for him and have come to the conclusion that I have enabled him to carry on using but now it has to stop and I have told him no more money. He stole from me again at the weekend, and I truly had believed that he was sorting himself out but it is amazing what lies they come up with and emotional blackmail! I have always remained positive and always believed that he would be OK and he would sort himself out but this is fading before my eyes. The desperation you feel as a parent is awful, the breaking heart as you realise the love and hate relationship they have for cocaine is bigger than anything else.

I am so sorry to see so many desperate, anxious parents on this site, I too am a single mum and it’s tough and very isolating because nobody understands unless you have been through it. Stay safe lovely people x

[lime18]

Hi rig21 I’m so sorry to read your story I cried for you and your son in fact I’ve cried most of the day before I started work at 3pm isnt it terrible the misery that they cause to themselves and the people who love them and we cant help them I’ve been trying for over 10 years now and I worn down with it …thinking of you all xx

[amethyst2018]

I really feel the pain you are all going through… each time I think we’re getting somewhere we are back to square one…. I just don’t know what else to do I can’t leave him to it he’s still too young I feel completely useless x

[amethyst2018]

If you knew your child had done something bad because of drugs would you tell the police ? X

[lime18]

Oh God that’s scary and difficult I hope your ok? It would probably depend on weather someone was in danger or could be and also your son but it’s not easy as a mum xxx

[amethyst2018]

No one is in danger but my son would go to prison for couple of years and I’m beginning to think that’s the only thing that may save him but I’m feeling sick to my stomach with worry and questioning myself with what’s the right thing to do x

[lime18]

I’m so sorry you are I this position.my son went for a few months he said “I won’t be going there again its hideous ” but I suspect he more than likely will because sadly he doesn’t appear to be trying to change I dont know how true this is but his probation officer who is sick of his unreliability told me if hed of been there longer he could of got more help but on the other hand I believe they can get drugs whenever they want and usually come out with more debt than they went in with . .so God only knows it’s a vicious circle I’m sorry I cant make you feel any better threaten him about going if he doesn’t try to change ??? Xxx

[amethyst2018]

Thank you for listening and the advice…. I’ve heard the same thing with regards to drugs in prison it’s really hard to know what is for the best , if I had £10,000 I’d put him in rehab but I don’t so at a loss sadly x

[lime18]

I know it takes over our lives if he engages with drug rehab ie inspire (that’s the one up north) he should get into rehab my so got about 8 months at a place called shardale it was great then he got a supported house but he walked away but not everyone does there are lots of places out there that you shouldn’t need to pay for .xxx

[lou1321]

That is something I hope I never have to face… but I honestly don’t know… There are lots of posts on here where parents have and I think they should be accountable for their actions but I don’t think my son would cope with prison at all. Heart tells you one thing and your head tells you something else.. Are you OK Amethyst2018? xx

[amethyst2018]

Im really not ok I’m so torn , I love my son very much he is nearly 18 but he’s doing so much crack I worry about him all the time… will prison be better I don’t know?…, x

[lime18]

Hi Amethyst 2018 I’m just wondering how you are ? And hoping things are going ok with your son xxx

[lou1321]

Hi Amethyst2018

Sorry I haven’t logged in for a few days… As he is under 18 maybe he would be in a juvenile facility and that would hopefully embrace rehabilitation etc… but I have no experience of this so I really don’t know… Have you anybody close that you can talk to about this in confidence? x

[amethyst2018]

Hello it’s been a while…. well my son got arrested and is released under investigation, he is engaging with a drug counsellor and hoping to get funding for rehab but could take a while…. he’s not living with me now as we had some trouble because of him but I’m still I. Regular contact and see him often , never thought I’d be in this situation x

[Author]

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