[miked80]

My partner and I have been together for 2 and a half years now. In that time, he has never stopped being loving, kind, passionate, intelligent, and all around sweet. He’s also, in that time, taken drugs on a purely social basis – mostly ketamine, sometimes coke. When I say social, it really was the occasional dedicated night, other people around, etc. I wasn’t a fan of the coke, but I could happily love with the rest on the occasional basis. Before I met him, he had been addicted to crystal meth, but was clean for a few months.

This year has been a different story, though. He wasn’t in the next place in January, and I thought it was post holiday blues, less daylight and so on. February, though… We’re in an open relationship (has worked for us so far) and one night he went out and when he eventually got home, he had been sexually assaulted. Coerced into taking meth, and then into sex on tape while not in a place to give meaningful consent. I know how it sounds, but with the exception of one relapse since then (and the relapse was buying more than taking, I helped him get rid of it), it hasn’t been a factor since.

But everything else has gone up instead. Ketamine, sleeping pills, and cocaine – that’s basically where all his money goes, and more. He’s racked up debt, and when that’s not enough he asks me. I’ve always said “yeah, you can pay me back”, but it’s become clear that he won’t pay me back. He remembers, but he’s got so much else to pay back, and the first thing he thinks about at pay day is more ket, more diazepam. In the past two months I’ve watched him descend from these drugs as occasional and social to on his own, and increasingly frequent. I’ve watched helplessly as he turned the house upside down looking for either another hit or some cash to buy one. When I’d had no money left myself, he spent the night asking me again and again if I wasn’t sure I had more. He’d bring up instances where I’d fallen short in being his partner, then ask again if I really hadn’t anything more to ‘loan’ him.

There are some positives. It’s still early on in the process, and I haven’t lost him yet. He’s still fine most of the time. He had signed up for counseling, so he recognizes there’s a problem. Albeit that was more to do with meth and alcohol, and to a lesser extent cocaine, and he doesn’t seem to realize the impact of the ket use and the sleeping pills. But I’m watching this descent in real time, and I don’t know how to help him stop it. I feel helpless. His family doesn’t know and most of his friends aren’t aware of how bad it is. I’m hoping that going through how much he spent on drugs last month, and now having missed two days at work this month, that he can realize how much of a problem it is, but I worry he’ll find a way to rationalize it away. And I’ll be back to feeling helpless, alone, and constantly on the verge of tears.

How do I approach this before rock bottom shatters us both?

[donthaveaclue]

I don’t think you really can do anything beyond doing what you are already doing, offering support/to be there if they seek help.

The best thing you can do is work on yourself, protect yourself and your finances etc., while waiting to see if they seek help.

Missing work, racking up debt and asking to ‘borrow’ money are all bad signs in my opinion. The blaming you – bringing up times you’d fallen short as a partner- in order to create a reason/excuse to use and to try to get money by creating guilt is another manipulative tactic you will see partners of addicts (and parents of addicts) mentioning on here. My addict partner has even admitted to causing/creating arguments/strife between us so he can use it as an excuse to get drugs so he can make himself feel better… he will also threaten to get drugs if I don’t behave how he wants – which doesn’t work now as I’m at the stage where I don’t care if he uses. I want him to stop but I’m not the cause so if he uses or not is his decision/responsibility and nothing to do with me.

Mine also does the turning the house upside down thing… for a long time I did not have permission to clean the house or touch anything because I might disturb, hoover up or accidentally throw away some crumbs he’d dropped or forgotten about.

I’m stuck because we have a child together and I’m currently waiting to get rehoused. If I didn’t have a child with him then I would have been long gone and just supporting him from the sidelines.

Life is short and addiction seems to be super complex – so no matter if the addict wants to quit, it doesn’t always work that simply. That’s why you see people doing rehab more than once.

[miked80]

Thank you – and I’m sorry to hear in turn what you’re going through. Although it hurt a bit to read, but that’s because I recognize a couple of things in there that I didn’t mention myself. Starting strife or stress as a pretext to “de-stress” – he hasn’t copped to it but I suspect that’s exactly what happened last night.

Cleaning the house – yep, I got told off for wiping down the dinner table when his parents were coming over for Easter. Cause there was ket on it that could’ve been swept up into another line. Another thing that got brought up directly before “are you sure you don’t have any more money you could transfer me?”.

He insists it’s not bad and has been worse. I’ve no doubt it’s been worse, but it doesn’t mean it’s not bad now. He’s promised that we’ll have a full and frank conversation about his use, but he keeps putting it off “until tomorrow”. I don’t know how many more tomorrows I can hold out for.

[shell98]

The guilt manipulation is the worst because everyone else can see it apart from you.

Mine says all the things I want to hear, we’ll get a house together, I want to marry you have kids etc but it’s all just lies and I fall for them each time.

I was ill last week with a bad infection and he just rang gave me abuse because I had no money for him

[miked80]

I’m sort of lucky in that the manipulation, or attempt at manipulation, was fairly clumsy. So I could easily recognize it, even if I may still have given him money.

I did raise it with him, too. Not that he thinks he was being actively manipulative.

Regardless, we had a long talk last night about his abuse, how it’s impacting both of us. He said he would at least cut down. Was I a bit silly to believe him? Turns out he was almost immediately on to trying to find another dealer.

He said he might be visiting a friend this weekend who’s going through suicidal thoughts. But according to a mutual friend, no such plans. I’m shocked how quickly it’s gone from downplaying to active deception. And now I’m having to brace myself for the probability he’s been lying to me for a lot longer.

[donthaveaclue]

I’m sorry things have taken such a turn for the worse. It does seem to happen like that and it is so unpredictable.

I think you are right to be cautiously aware that the deception might have been going on for quite some time.

Mine is the same with it having been worse or minimising it a bit… and there’s me thinking… well, regardless it is still unbearable now!

[shell98]

It gets worse but we stay

I’ve just been called everything been told it was my fault the business ended I wasn’t the one snorting the profits or staying in bed

[sunflower2020]

I have found myself finding this site,because only after a few Months relationship I’m left with nothing…because it’s all my wages gone on his cocaine addiction.

All.his wages went in the first 5days of being paid,borrowed from everyone…

[donthaveaclue]

I’m sorry… I go through this monthly. I’m in over 7K debt and at least 5K is cos of his drug usage.

[shell98]

It’s like a living nightmare so glad I found you all! I know I’m not alone, and not the mug everyone else is thinking. Thank you all x

[donthaveaclue]

You are not a mug. People don’t understand how complex addiction is and the impact it has on the partner desperately trying to make things right and hold everything together.

[shell98]

Oh this is fun, from getting called all kinds yesterday to apologies today, and now he’s the paranoid one cos my mum has treated me to a meal out

[miked80]

I’m counting myself lucky as I haven’t encountered any abuse. Maybe because I’ve been cautious about trying not to be judgemental. It’s felt like it’s been a couple days of progress, at least. After he and I spoke Tuesday, a friend of his came over yesterday/this morning. She has used recreationally, and been through addiction recovery herself, plus is on the outside. So that external perspective also helped impress that his usage is raising alarm bells to people who don’t live with him, and who also do drugs. Which I thought helped. And she helped us hold a sort of mini-intervention – getting him to analyse what his drug use was like now, what feelings it might be covering up for, and what a desirable goal would look like. It all sounded so positive even going into his first online counseling session this evening.

He’s since made noises about walking back on those goals, about how he’s not sure they’re his goals or the goals he thought we wanted to hear. That might be cold feet after the counseling.

I do know he’s been into his dealer, and is now just gone out to get ket. Because it’s either that or feel like shit. i didn’t expect an overnight change, but this was a fast walk back. I’ll concede it’s at least been a few days since he last used, but that’s mostly down to lack of money.

Disappointing, but I’m going to take one small victory for myself. I didn’t walk with him to the cashpoint. I have made the decision that I won’t enable him financially, and I won’t enable him morally. I will help him with every step he takes towards recovery. But every step he takes in any other direction, he takes alone. It might help him, but if it doesn’t it at least helps me.

[donthaveaclue]

Well done Mike.

It is really jarring and disappointing when your significant other goes from being so positive and making all the right noises re: recovery and then boom… it’s as if that never happened and you feel back at square 1 again.

At least you are not enabling him. That’s a good start… especially for your own mental health.

[shell98]

Good on you ????I’m doing the same from now on I’m being tougher ????if only for my own sanity, I’ve spent these past few weeks in utter despair and I might have a wobble every now and again but I’m helping me from now on

[shell98]

Dear all wow tonight! /this is best everything I’m a rat, I’m messaging other guys I’m to f off .

Guy’s I don’t

[shell98]

Dear all wow tonight! /this is best everything I’m a rat, I’m messaging other guys I’m told f off .

Guy’s I don’t know what to do

I’ve come home and he’s asking for me to get wake my mum up to prove am home ????‍♀️

[shell98]

Dear all wow tonight! /this is best everything I’m a rat, I’m messaging other guys I’m told f off .

Guy’s I don’t know what to do

I’ve come home and he’s asking for me to get wake my mum up to prove am home ????‍♀️

[shell98]

Dear all wow tonight! /this is best everything I’m a rat, I’m messaging other guys I’m told to f off .

Guy’s I don’t know what to do

I’ve come home and he’s asking for me to get wake my mum up to prove am home ????‍♀️

[shell98]

Dear all wow tonight! /this is best everything I’m a rat, I’m messaging other guys I’m told to f off .

Guy’s I don’t know what to do

I’ve come home and he’s asking for me to get wake my mum up to prove am home ????‍♀️

[donthaveaclue]

Shell – Where is your mum? Does she live with you?

You don’t have to prove anything. If you feel unsafe you could call the police. I appreciate how hard all this as I’m in an abusive relationship and have been unable to do this as we share a child and he is vindictive.

I just accidentally threw the rest of my one’s drugs down the drain- they were in a cup and I thought it was dirty water! So he’s really mad at me now as there is no more money to buy any more.

[miked80]

Shell, Donthaveaclue is absolutely right. You have nothing to prove, and you shouldn’t be indulging this abusive behaviour on his part. Because this does for all the world look like abuse to me. He is being manipulative and controlling in his paranoia.

Agreed as well on calling the police if you feel unsafe.

[shell98]

Thank you guys took myself out of the situation went on my interview for waiting on it went well I think???? had a good chat with my mum

[shell98]

So glad I’ve found others In a similar situation! I was beginning to think it was me!

[shell98]

Another Friday Another row, got paid this week and guess what invited out because I asked could we chill with a takeaway sulked all night then caused an argument. Apparently me going to work and him staying in bed all day is OK, I’m sick of it all, an am pretty sure his family will get sick of him being a bum soon.

I feel broken hearted but in a way free, I’ve built myself up before I can do it again, I just keep asking why me ☹

[shell98]

I’ve been working overtime I get up at 5am in work for 7am till 5pm, 1/2 hour dinner and 2 15 minutes break. I’m at breaking point, he’s now saying we are over I make him unhappy, this is due to me saying I wasn’t drinking tonight, a drink I can do went for one with my new work colleagues, but it’s never just a drink for him. I actually feel bad cos he’s not that same person who I love

[shell98]

Getting the usual I’m weird crazy etc no actually I’m a hard worker who has fell in love with an addict now I’ve got.to face the shame of telling my family

[donthaveaclue]

Awww Shell it’s not you. Mine has been on his arse doing nothing for years. He will work for a tiny bit and then quit or be sacked. He doesn’t value or respect anything I do. Even though I’m the one keeping everything going. Well good luck to him when Ieave!

[natasha21]

Oh wow, our lives are all the same living with an addict. It’s horrendous constantly walking on egg shells, scared to say anything in case you say the wrong thing. I’m trying to be positive and stay strong but hes a rat and says the most nastiest things ever to me.can I ask a question? Why do they stay in bed,?that’s where he is now. Eating chocolate, crisps.i also noticed Last night he had the shakes.love to you all x

[donthaveaclue]

Natasha – I can answer your question.

So the cocaine makes the body release a lot of dopamine very quickly thus causing the high. The person using it will typically stay awake, maybe be quite active (mine isn’t anymore but he used to be) like dancing a lot or one of my friends starts doing lots of housework… often users won’t eat because they feel satiated/no hunger… so when it wears off you have someone who is sleep deprived, hungry and has no dopamine… the junk foods can help raise that (especially things like chocolate). Lying in bed is a bit like someone taking to their bed with depression.

[shell98]

You are so like me stay strong xx

[miked80]

Shell, I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s doubly hard because you know that, somewhere, the person you love is in there. And the person you trust, the person you would go to when you’re feeling scared and worried and in need of support. Except that’s the very source of all those anxieties. It’s enough to make you feel all alone. But you’re not alone, as you say you do have family who can hopefully help you.

I want to stress that you have nothing to be ashamed of. At all. It will help your well-being so much just to have a relief valve, let alone someone who can support you. And it sounds like you do need support. It doesn’t seem like you’re free to have any kind of life, because you’re as much a slave to his addiction as he is. From my experience, it breeds sadness, resentment, and anger. Do what you can to set boundaries between his use and yourself. I know it’s hard, but in the long term I think sticking it out will hurt even more.

[natasha21]

Morning everyone, this site is a godsend.how is everyone today? Another day but let’s put our music on and smile. I’m not even talking to the cretin today, he will learn that I’m actually done now xx

[shell98]

I’m heartbroken today ????

[wavy22]

Sorry to hear this. Tough night? X

[natasha21]

Hi shell 98, what’s happened? Mine just asked if I was still sulking, I said im Done.he said fine pack your bags and get out, I said Don’t think so ive done nothing wrong. Hes now saying when he gets paid on Friday he’s not paying for anything in the house, now normally I would be starting to be nice just so I can pay the bills but not today I said I don’t care cause you won’t be living here. Idiot x

[shell98]

????

I’d say to a friend go somewhere safe but having an addict in my life knowing you love them I don’t know what to say please make sure you are ok though xx

[shell98]

????

I’d say to a friend go somewhere safe but having an addict in my life knowing you love them I don’t know what to say please make sure you are ok though xx

[shell98]

I’m in bits he’s split up with me been called everything

[shell98]

And I just did a full day in work I can’t cope anymore

[wavy22]

So sorry you’re going through this.

You’d think with everything they put us through that splitting would be the light at the end of the tunnel but you kind of feel defeated don’t you. Like the coke/ addiction has won ????

None of it seems fair when you’re emotionally invested in an addict.

I feel like I lose all the time. We are going through a break up too and I have so many emotions about it.

If I was you, I wouldn’t say anything to him, don’t try to reach out. You need to try and get some control over this situation. Do the unexpected as they seem to just play with our feelings.

Stay strong xx

[shell98]

So cut all contact xx

[wavy22]

If you feel like you can then I do think it’s worth cutting contact. Even for a couple of days. Message on here instead and rage if you need to.

I find it very hard to do personally but when I do cut contact and stop responding to his messages it does seem to have some sort of effect.

Mine always says I’m too interested in what he’s up to but when I stop, it kind of flips the roles a little.

I feel like no one on here including me, has any control over their situation. We need to take some control back! Xx

[shell98]

We do! If they hurt like we are they’d find it so hurtful

[wavy22]

Hi Shell,

How have things been? X

[wavy22]

You’re so right,

I want mine to hurt like I do but it’s like he’s completely shut off from any emotion other than anger and it feels so unfair and one sided. Why can’t they just leave it alone and choose us instead?!

I’ve felt sick to my stomach all day, I don’t want to break up really and have the upheaval of everything. I hate the thought that he’ll remain happy or what ever he feels on his coke while I have to start fresh and process everything just because of his actions but I don’t want to play happy families and just fit into his chaos.

It’s no life and no real relationship when their primary attachment is to their drug of choice

[shell98]

Not good xx

[wavy22]

Sorry to hear it.

Not good here either. Have you had much contact? X

[shell98]

Hes sulking because I didn’t reply to his text, while I was in work with no WiFi, haven’t paid my phone bill so can only access WiFi.

What’s gone on with you x

[shell98]

Hes sulking because I didn’t reply to his text, while I was in work with no WiFi, haven’t paid my phone bill so can only access WiFi.

What’s gone on with you x

[shell98]

So glad I’ve got people in the same situation, well obviously not glad but you get what I mean.

I’ve been up since 2am done a day’s work an am dead on my feet last thing I want is a battle of words haven’t got the energy for it I’m currently weighing in at 6.5 stone, with all the stress this is the least I’ve weighed ever even when ex husband left me xx

[shell98]

He asked me to go for tea then said I don’t even want to see you I’m heartbroken I can’t do this again x

[wavy22]

Ah so sorry but I completely get it. They just F with your emotions all the time and mess you about and manipulate.

He told me that he doesn’t care about me and that I was nothing to him, said he hated me then today changed his tune because he wanted some money, he’s just turned into this vile man again! Doesn’t want to take any responsibility what so ever.

Expects me to do all the running about and making all the changes he wants. I actually think he’s f’d from the drugs now or maybe he’s just got a shit personality anyway and I’ve been too blind to see it till now ????

[shell98]

I get you they r vile when like this xx

[natasha21]

Definitely I think all the chemicals going in the brain can’t be good and obviously has an effect. Mine is like a jekyll and Hyde nice one day the next day or minute really vile. No emotion and so cold it’s unbelievable. Xx

[shell98]

I get you they r vile when like this xx

[natasha21]

Mines quite forgetful too, anyone else’s like that. Forgets what he said and looks at you with a blank face when you mention what they said the night before. Xx

[natasha21]

Mines quite forgetful too, anyone else’s like that. Forgets what he said and looks at you with a blank face when you mention what they said the night before. Xx

[miked80]

It really hurts me to see you’re all going through this right now. Things have been better on my end – I think because there isn’t the same withdrawal to ketamine as with coke, so less pain to take out on others. I do wonder how much of that “better” is down to his having no money till pay day.

I’ve also been lucky not to be getting the Jekyll and Hyde treatment. I think you all deserve better than that, each and every one of you. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy.

[shell98]

Hopefully he will find happiness with someone 3

[shell98]

Hopefully he will find happiness with someone

[wavy22]

Yes Natasha, mine is also really forgetful then doesn’t believe me when I tell him the truth, like I’m making all of this up. Just getting so fed up of having this constant sick feeling in my stomach ????????

[natasha21]

Yeh hes like it quite often. I try to stay positive and not let him get to me. But sometimes it’s horrendous and he treats me like pooh. But you can’t talk to him because he knows everything and I just want drama x

[natasha21]

Yeh hes like it quite often. I try to stay positive and not let him get to me. But sometimes it’s horrendous and he treats me like pooh. But you can’t talk to him because he knows everything and I just want drama x

[wavy22]

How do you communicate with your other half when he’s not using?

I find it really hard to not be resentful even when he’s not had any for a few days. I just end up overthinking it and then pushing him to it. Like the drug and his scruff mates win and I just end up with egg on my face?!

[wavy22]

How do you communicate with your other half when he’s not using?

I find it really hard to not be resentful even when he’s not had any for a few days. I just end up overthinking it and then pushing him to it. Like the drug and his scruff mates win and I just end up with egg on my face?!

[natasha21]

To be honest I don’t always know when he’s using,although I should know ( he’s normally babbling about shit,) depends sometimes im polite say hi and go to bed or listen to his crap.but sometimes when I think hes normal I just want to scream and shout at him and ask why? Why is that powder better than me and his kids x

[miked80]

Sorry all, it’s been a really hectic week with the long weekend and all.

Rae, please don’t feel any guilt about his decisions. It’s not too pushing him to use, he will find an excuse for his choices.

When mine isn’t using, he’s been really good. We’ve been really good. This hadn’t been going on for so long, so there’s still patience in me. I’m still able to take a step back and see that he’s sick rather than a bad person. The resentment is there but I do still manage to temper it.

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