[meerkat]

My husband is a great dad most of the time, and loves his kids very much. He is kind and patient with them (again most of the time).For their whole lives he has had an alcohol problem, when they were little he would binge drink and not be safe to be around them when this was happening, more recently and especially in lockdown he is drinking every day 4-8 cans. I have said he can’t drink in the house any more, so now he has made a spot in the shed and we lose him for hours every day in there. He gets through so many cans and always comes up with some reason that he needs to go to the shop as an excuse to go and get more beer. Things could be so much worse, I know..and they have been worse. Now the kids are older they are really aware of it. He slurs when he talks to us most days. They can see him not being able to not drink. I feel so angry that it has such a hold on him. I feel ashamed that I have let this happen and that my children have to grow up with this in their lives. They are better off with him in their lives than not, but I feel so angry that they have to even think about this in their little lives. Should I have been stronger and called it a day long ago? Who knows. I worry that as they grow older they won’t feel they can bring friends back because they are embarrassed, already one friend told his mum about my husband drinking a lot and she stopped him from coming to play. It feels like my husband doesn’t care enough to stop and that this will never go away. It will never not be part of our lives and I don’t think I can bear to think of that. How will my lovely little ones grow up having seen this example from the dad they love? It worries me so much. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this so sorry if this has come out in one big run.

[bt1978]

Hey

No apologies needed, that’s what this forum is for.

Reading your post it sounds like you know this is a problem as it’s affecting you, your family and your relationship.

No one can diagnose him as an alcoholic bar himself unfortunately, however based on what what you wrote it does seem that is the issue.

Unless he recognises this is an issue and wants to help himself there is not a great deal you can do

Do you think he would be receptive to the idea of getting help?

[meerkat]

Thank you for replying. I really appreciate that.

He sometimes acknowledges that this is an issue. We talked about it after I posted. He says he can’t stop and doesn’t want to as “drink is all he has”. He feels like he doesn’t have control over anything in his life apart from this. Sometimes this turns back on me and blames me for needing to drink. I know this is not the case. We’re lucky to have a lovely family, a nice home. He suffered a lot of trauma in his young life and that perhaps changed him forever. We have so much to be thankful for, I find it so hard to understand why he can’t see it. And why not want to try to make a change if he acknowledges that this is not a good example for the children? In the past he has tried different types of counselling but says none of them work, they make him want to drink more.

I agree with you when you say that unless he sees it as a problem and wants to help himself there is nothing I can do. Accepting that is hard, I feel weak for giving in and as if I am condoning it. I start to feel resentful sometimes that to stay together as a family, I have to back down and accept something I feel is so wrong, and just put up with it. I don’t think there is a solution, but being able to talk on here is really helpful x

[bt1978]

Trauma and addiction are often intrinsically linked.

The challenge with counselling is that it takes a long time to get somewhere and often addicts want a quick fix, as in right now. I imagimw it stirs up slot of emotions going over that, and if you are unable to handle them a drink is going to be appealing.

[meerkat]

Yes I agree. It seems to be the only coping strategy he has for any negative emotions. I’m really conscious of trying to talk about different ways of coping with the kids if they are sad/worried/stressed out so they at least have some options.

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