[kulstar]

Hi All

Some of you may know my story, some may not. If intersted then please click on my name and have a look for Addiction – Change is Possible.

First of all I hope you’re all doing well, I suspect you might not be else you wouldn’t be here on this forum. So I head into the next couple of weeks with excitement, a genuine gratefulness for life generally and slight nervousness. As a former of addict and now into my 10 month of being clean I thought I’d paint a picture of what life can look like for you or your loved one if you / they just decided to walk a different path.

Over the years my addiction clearly got worse but Xmas was synonomous for partying, plenty of booze and cocaine. This got progressively worse last 3 years I’d say around this time of the year. Last 2 years I think I recognised this was becoming a bit more than recreational. It would be filled with looking at the calendar and wondering how to get out of family activities next 2 /3 days while I was on a debbie downer.

Now, well I’ve got plenty of events in the diary still but I look at them differently. Yes they’re still filled with bars, pubs and restaurants but I’m genuinely excited for the chatter, for the atmosphere and the bantz. I just won’t (hopefully this is because tomorrow is never promised) be drinking or sniffing gear. I’m also geninely excited to spend some quality time with my nearest and dearest in the hope that I’ll just be present. No more thinking that with each engagement, I need some gear to get me through it.

Last years New Years Eve was, well, a shambles. It was my 4th day in on the gear, I couldn’t even stay awake while my blessed wife and kids stayed up to hear the clock strike 12. I plan on being fully awake this time around and to see the New Year with great excitement to see what 2023 has in store.

I talk of slight nervousness. This is based on a new experience of going through Xmas and New Years sober. What will this feel like? I just hope it’s as good, if not better than I imagine it.

Those of you struggling around this time, I hear you. I don’t have the answers but I can give you hope. You just need to believe. You need to accept responsibility for who you really are, not who you think you are because your make up is conditioned to say it’s not that bad to protect you from thinking it’s all over.

Once you take responsibility, map out what what 2023 has the potential to look like. Make it wild, dream, dream big. Only by dreaming big do you have a chance. That’s the end vision, then work backwards until you reach the first step you need to take. Is it acceptance of who you are, who you’ve become? Is it responsibility in that you choose to do cocaine, drink excessively etc? Only by taking responsibility do you then own the issue. Acceptance and Responsibility open up doors you won’t believe in until you truly start knocking and walking through.

Then map out what lies next. This is where the world truly is yours. We’ve got one life and lets make the most of it. People say you only live once (hence why you carry on consuming copious amount of mind numbing substances) but guess what, you only die once so while we have such a short time in this world why not be the best version of yourself? There’ll be tears, time with your thoughts, revelations but with this short term pain will come long term gain.

What remains for me to say is have a blessed Xmas all and a lovely New Year.

[ifonly]

Having just read your story it’s gives hope and Well done.I didn’t think I’d be back on here again to get some strength of what’s ahead .

my husband of 27 years is a cocaine addict a heavy daily user has been for years I have got him off for few weeks in the past but never for long before he’s starting again thinks I don’t notice he doesn’t even go out socialising he just goes upstairs to watch tv usually 7pm then I hear the draw and him getting on it. Like a love affair she wins over me every time.he is such a manipulator thinking he mr big to his friends (users).all the nasty comments towards me then he walks out or stops talking even at present time we haven’t spoke for weeks he has always manipulated people into thinking it’s me and telling me that family friends agree with him! it took a long time to realise that why would they say that and if you thought anything of me why would you not defend me instead I just avoided them.which he wants I’ve paid of thousands he’s borrowed from family friends always saying don’t let me know.that’s because No one knew I had nothing left to give
That was 5 years ago now and I’ve nearly cleared my poor credit report.Not given him a penny since because we don’t have holidays (needs a supply) I just save and now able to get what I want which hopefully a mortgage at some point.i will put on my happy face for Xmas same as last few I never want to put a downer on others.years back we would be having coke together over Xmas but 1 year I woke on bathroom floor didn’t know if I passed out or had a seizure that scared me and I’ve never had it since I have had some brilliant nights out sober as doesn’t bother me so please big up your sober Xmas and new year and enjoy it.

[Bayderertu]

<p style=”border: 0px solid #d9d9e3; box-sizing: border-box; –tw-border-spacing-x: 0; –tw-border-spacing-y: 0; –tw-translate-x: 0; –tw-translate-y: 0; –tw-rotate: 0; –tw-skew-x: 0; –tw-skew-y: 0; –tw-scale-x: 1; –tw-scale-y: 1; –tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; –tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; –tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; –tw-ring-color: rgba(59,130,246,0.5); –tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 transparent; –tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 transparent; –tw-shadow: 0 0 transparent; –tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 transparent; margin: 0px 0px 1.25em; color: #374151; font-family: Söhne, ui-sans-serif, system-ui, -apple-system, ‘Segoe UI’, Roboto, Ubuntu, Cantarell, ‘Noto Sans’, sans-serif, ‘Helvetica Neue’, Arial, ‘Apple Color Emoji’, ‘Segoe UI Emoji’, ‘Segoe UI Symbol’, ‘Noto Color Emoji’; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #f7f7f8;”>It’s the holiday season, and for many of us, it’s a time of joy and celebration. But for those in recovery from addiction, it can also be a challenging time. I understand this firsthand, as I’ve been through the struggles of addiction and have now been clean for 10 months. I want to share my story with you, to let you know that change is possible and that there is hope for a better future. If you’re interested in learning more about my journey, you can click on my name and read my story.</p>
<p style=”border: 0px solid #d9d9e3; box-sizing: border-box; –tw-border-spacing-x: 0; –tw-border-spacing-y: 0; –tw-translate-x: 0; –tw-translate-y: 0; –tw-rotate: 0; –tw-skew-x: 0; –tw-skew-y: 0; –tw-scale-x: 1; –tw-scale-y: 1; –tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; –tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; –tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; –tw-ring-color: rgba(59,130,246,0.5); –tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 transparent; –tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 transparent; –tw-shadow: 0 0 transparent; –tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 transparent; margin: 1.25em 0px; color: #374151; font-family: Söhne, ui-sans-serif, system-ui, -apple-system, ‘Segoe UI’, Roboto, Ubuntu, Cantarell, ‘Noto Sans’, sans-serif, ‘Helvetica Neue’, Arial, ‘Apple Color Emoji’, ‘Segoe UI Emoji’, ‘Segoe UI Symbol’, ‘Noto Color Emoji’; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #f7f7f8;”>As we head into the next couple of weeks, I feel a mix of emotions. I’m excited to celebrate the holidays, but I also have a sense of nervousness. I know that the holiday season can be a trigger for some people, and it can be difficult to navigate the celebrations and parties without giving in to temptations. But I also feel a genuine gratefulness for life and for the progress I’ve made in my recovery.</p>
<p style=”border: 0px solid #d9d9e3; box-sizing: border-box; –tw-border-spacing-x: 0; –tw-border-spacing-y: 0; –tw-translate-x: 0; –tw-translate-y: 0; –tw-rotate: 0; –tw-skew-x: 0; –tw-skew-y: 0; –tw-scale-x: 1; –tw-scale-y: 1; –tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; –tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; –tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; –tw-ring-color: rgba(59,130,246,0.5); –tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 transparent; –tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 transparent; –tw-shadow: 0 0 transparent; –tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 transparent; margin: 1.25em 0px 0px; color: #374151; font-family: Söhne, ui-sans-serif, system-ui, -apple-system, ‘Segoe UI’, Roboto, Ubuntu, Cantarell, ‘Noto Sans’, sans-serif, ‘Helvetica Neue’, Arial, ‘Apple Color Emoji’, ‘Segoe UI Emoji’, ‘Segoe UI Symbol’, ‘Noto Color Emoji’; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #f7f7f8;”>I want to remind you that if you’re struggling with addiction, or if you have a loved one who is, there is hope. Recovery is possible, and it’s worth the effort. You don’t have to go through this alone, and there are people who care and want to help you. If you’re ready to walk a different path, don’t hesitate to reach out for support.</p>

[Jenna321]

Hi Kulstar,

thank you for your posts. As a new member to this, reading them has filled me with hope and it is so useful to hear your story as, like you, my husband is a good man just gripped by this horrible addiction.

You have mentioned your wife a number of times in your post and she sounds like an incredible, strong woman. I’m wondering if you can give any advice on how she has supported you through the process? I have read up on needing to be positive and trying to encourage your partner… but as you can imagine it is so hard. Your story sounds similar to my husband’s and I think his addiction really took a hold of him during the pandemic.

He has many typical symptoms of bloody tissues around the house / a whole in his nose (which for a long time he wouldn’t recognise was connected to the drug abuse) / not coming to bed at night (we rarely sleep in the same room anymore) / days of exhaustion where he can’t get up / eating takeaways non stop and trying to hide the evidence in the outside bin / disregard for personal hygiene.

However, recently he sought help (in the last 3 months) and has been seeing a therapist but not consistently – so he seems to recognises he has a problem and appears to want to make the change but can’t quite get there – he used on Christmas Day when we visited his family as I found messages from a dealer on his phone and he’s used again this weekend after getting bad news about his job.

He’s always been a proud man, works hard with a good job but in the last couple of years it’s been getting more and more out of control.  Looking back I’ve been enabling it as I initially didn’t consider drug use and when I did was in denial that he could actually be an addict.

Is there any advice you can give on how, as a spouse, I can help him.. the do’s and don’ts I guess? I want to sort it NOW and know there’s no quick fix but I need to talk about it. He has told me in the last couple of day his therapist has tasked him to tell me when he is thinking about using as it will break his cycle of lying.  He’s only told me this though because I asked him if he took coke this weekend and said no, but I found a baggie so he had no choice but to then come clean.

I’m quite scared that more is going to come out of the woodwork of what he has actually been getting up to, now that my eyes are open and I can trust myself more and my instincts but that’s anxiety for another day!

Any advice and thoughts are much appreciated.

All the best to you – stay strong, you’ve got this! X

[kulstar]

Hi Jenna

No need to thank me for my posts, I wish life was as straight forward for all of us that such experiences shouldn’t be called upon. However life isn’t a straight upward trajectory and there’ll be ups and downs. With the downs let’s share the experiences to make it easier for one another to get through it all together so the ups are even higher.

Most humans are born good and we just lose our way along the journey called life. Key thing is how far do you want to look within and change what you see in the mirror. How badly do you want to dig deep and fight?

My wife, yes – she’s an absolute angel, an angel I took for granted for far too long and nearly lost it all. It often takes such consequences to realise and wake up that you could lose it all. I wasn’t that far from this point and what a difference a year makes (Feb 28th 2022 was my awakening).

So how did my wife support me? Well, initially she was kind and understanding however this was due to me using a facade – mental health to cover up my addiction. My erratic behaviour was blamed on anti-depressants that I was taking (truth was I never needed them). I pushed and pushed using my words as artilery to defend my position (without anyone knowing my addiction). One day it dawned on me that my words held no weight anymore and this was the turning point.

Once I came clean my dear wife understood all of my behaviour was due to my addiction and joined all of the dots. It all made sense now and at the same time it didn’t, how did her hubby end up this way? I had to come to the table for her to see I was serious about change, only then could she support me. I gave up all access to finances retaining only Apple Pay (I always thought in my earlier days what would’ve happened if the dealer ever accepted Apple Pay?!) and all of my time along with behaviours accounted for. Once I came to the table could she then be of real support else it’d all have been a lie. She could only really support once she saw a change as I’d taken her love for granted for far too long. I shared my feelings, my thoughts, any urges unequivocally. There was no stone left unturned. In life to get, you have to give. I got support in abundance as she knew there was still the man she fell in love with inside somewhere.

Now you see where I am going with this, he has to come to the table first. You can only show him the consequences of what will happen if he continues in this way. He then has 2 distinct choices, either change or choose the powder. He can continue to choose the powder and the consequences can get worse until, he’s no longer your problem (easier said than done).

His symptoms are typical really of a cocaine user. Him seeing a therapist is a great start but was this his choice or did you coerce him into this? This has to be him wanting the change else it will fall down, like a child who doesn’t really want to do something. Moment your back is turned they’ll revert back to doing what they want to do.

Quite often being proud can be mistaken for egotistical behaviours which dictates certain behaviours. Being one of the lads, losing your identity because you don’t do mad nights anymore, not being able to drink or sniff the most, not being the party animal you once were – all of this was a part of what I thought I’d lose and I did. However, what I gained is immeasurable (too many things to list).

As a spouse – be firm but fair. Yes he’s an addict but he’s also  a grown man. Create a pact between you both, that he must not lie, if he uses he must disclose, if he feels urges he must be open. The pact could be made up of initial commandments or rules to be abided by. Both of you sign it. Sounds all airy fairy but it’s a start. As men we’re terrible at being open as we think it means weak. The change in my relationship with my wife really started to happen when I was open about everything. It struck a cord with her as she’s a woman who is used to chatting it out (hence why men and women are very different when it comes to this).

Don’t be scared of what comes out. Remember that cocaine will take you to places you never thought imaginable, it’ll make you do things you never thought possible, It feeds on extremeties. Once you’ve done something you shouldn’t have, it then rewires your brain to think what else you could do, what next to satisfy the most unsatisfiable of urges? If he starts to open up, listen and be considerate. The first few truths will be hard to listen to but let him keep talking. It’s not for you to understand but just absorb it. By him feeling like he can talk could just be the start of a sustained recovery, if you shut him down what do you think his default positon might be?

All the best to you also and remember that life is one big journey, we as humans have got to support one another for the betterment of society. We’ve got this 🙂

[kulstar]

Morning Jenna

Just checked in on this forum. I haven’t digested your post in full but thanks for reaching out. I’ll respond in full a little later 🙂

Kulstar

[BethanMairLewis]

Hi Kulstar,

Thank you for your open and honest writing on this forum. I’ve recently lost my mum to alcohol addiction and I’ve been at a complete loss.

I have never understood why she felt the need to drink excessively and don’t understand why she couldn’t  stop even when we tried to help her. My anger has taken over because I feel I will never get the answer to questions I have around what happened and I don’t know how to navigate a life without my mum at 24.

Thank you again for giving someone like me somewhere to vent thoughts I have around a topic that I feel I have no idea about.

[kulstar]

Hi Bethan

Open and honest is the only way to be to be able to genuinely get to the heart of any issue. Or at least attempt this and you will find the true cause of your discomfort.

Your blessed Mum would’ve been suffering an illness regarding addiction. Don’t let anger get the better of you, you’ll carry that baggage around with you unintentionally and let it effect your very being. I know it’s easier said than done but remember the good times you had and what she brought you growing up. We all want answers and they’ll come in their own good time. Truth is not to want find these straight away, rather question why you feel the way you do and look within.

Kulstar

[Mmike]

You are an incredible person who gives me more hope with each word you say. Please continue doing what you’re doing for those of us stuck in this alter ego. We need it. I need it.

[kulstar]

Aaww bless you Mmike. The fact that you recognise the alter ego is half the battle. See it, get to know it and then tell it you’re the boss that runs the show not him. We all make decisions led by our alter ego, by heck I still do it now in everyday life but key is to recognise it. Once you live a certain way the ego’s decision making effects you and just doesn’t feel right. This takes time, trial and error. Aim of this game is not to be perfect, that’s very difficult unless you are a monk living in the Himalaya’s!

[navy]

Hi kulstar

im so happy your still on the right road. You’re doing amazingly well. Hope you and your family are proud of you.

I haven’t posted in a long time, I left my husband and it was awful, pure hell, the first couple of days was abuse direct to me and an attempt of suicide. It then turned into regret and love and honesty, I eventually went back on the understanding that he will get help, he promised and said we would do it together (it never happened) this is where my situation got worse. Work/life got in the way, stressful days, him not leaving the house for days, not having time to do anything (washing, eating, sleeping) I would come home and he didn’t have time to talk to me or eat with me.
Going away was the worst, panic attack, sweats, anxiety was sheer hell. I put up with it thinking this was withdrawal but it never got better, I found out he is still using as I’ve seen the speckles of white powder (and tasted it urgh). I’m so angry and upset I’ve gone back into my shell, he has told me that I’m not supporting him, I don’t love him, I’m not compassionate and I’ve stopped giving unconditional love. he says he has mental issues from the abuse, and that he loves me but theres no love coming back and I don’t realise what I’m doing to him. He just wants me to accept his behaviour and when he spirals to just say it will be ok.

I’ve lost my husband and best friend.

I just wish I knew how to move on, why do I feel so guilty.

Navy. X

[paw_x]

So sorry you’re going through this Navy.

Please make sure you’re making time for you. Don’t sacrifice yourself for him. What he’s saying is completely unreasonable after what he’s done. I’ve kept my partner at arms length due to the trauma and sometimes he’ll try to rush back into affection and love and I just keep telling him it’s so different for him; I didn’t change, he changed. He’s done terrible things to me and the family and it’s so hard even wanting a cuddle from him after it all. You put up a barrier and you can’t just take it down when they feel like they’re doing better. It sounds like he’s a long way to go but please look after yourself and put yourself first x

[navy]

Hi paw

thank you and sorry for not getting back, I’ve had issues trying log in.

I’m just so lost, I’m trying to hold it together, it’s been so difficult. I know I have to make time for me, I’ve been trying to get him to come out with me, just for a walk, a coffee but it always ends up in an argument. I’ve now given up. I will from now on put me first and arrange my life and friends and he will have to fit around that.

take care and stay strong paw. I just wish and hope that I will get there one day.

navy xx

[thistim3]

I agree with MMike – you’re awesome kulstar.  And, your posts are so needed. Stay close.  Navy, if you’re not strong enough to leave him – then stay, but distance yourself far enough to create a safe space for yourself to get what you need.  The answers are inside of you and will come to you. Trust yourself.  Take your focus off of him and put it on yourself.  One day at a time. One moment at a time. It’s not one decision – stay or leave.  It’s lots of decisions every day.

[kulstar]

Thanks for all the love guys, much appreciated.

Navy it’s all too familiar a story I’m afraid. Addicts will convince themselves that no matter how bad it gets, their loved ones will always be there. By heck in my so called heyday I had accepted that I’d probably end up losing my wife and inadvertently preferred the white stuff over her. That’s how strong it is. My turning point was missing my son’s football match which is not something I ever imagined. You never quite know when the turning point will come. I can’t tell you what you need to do however addicts need consequence else they live in this merry little bubble. As severe the consequences always remember it’s not your fault. He’s prompting these actions from you and he’ll use every trick in the book to make you believe you’re in the wrong, not supportive or compassionate. We become manipulative, masters of lying, smoke and mirrors etc. Talk of suicide when he’s created this mess himself is the classic default when you’ve got no more options left. It sounds harsh but it’s the truth. You’d never want anyone to commit such an act but you can’t be held accountable for another adults actions.

Your partner has got used to you being there no matter what he says or does, IMO and as Paw has said, self care and putting yourself first is paramount. There is only so much assistance you can provide. There is no truer statement than you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. If he’s lucky and blessed he’ll seek real help but he needs a severe catalyst for this to happen. Currently this catalyst just isn’t happening. I do get quite frustrated at times hearing of such situations as you feel like shaking someone pleading them to wake up. Reality is though in my heyday if someone had done that it still wouldn’t have worked. Acceptance of ones own problems for me is half way to a meaningful recovery. No amount of forced intervention is sustainable. One has to accept who they have become before they make a meaningful change. I still hold dearly to my heart who I had become as a reminder (in a positive way) never to go back on that path ever again, it really served no purpose. The so called short term pleasure I was seeking was a mere fallacy. It was true that the Emperor really wan’t wearing any Clothes. I had convinced myself for so long that he was.

ThisTim, I will endeavour to post more my friend.

[navy]

Hi kulstar

thank you. I’m just so sad at the moment and I know I have to0 pick myself up and get on with my life, as paw has said I need to look after me which I’m going to try and do. I just feel so helpless. He says he wants to be the man I fell in love with, I just want a normal relationship where we can go out together without any drama. Where he is not unwell and needs to leave, where he stays awake and asks how my day has been and puts the kettle on for me and listens to me. Where Im Not to walking  on eggshells and being alone every night. When does that begin, how long does it take someone who knows that the stuff is poisonous and creates a monster to stop and wake up to how he is behaving.  You say he has to have catalyst. I thought this was when I left, he had his ‘so called wake up call’ I must be so naive and stupid to put up with this.

sorry for rambling on.

thank you for all your help and advice.
keep in touch

navy xx

[jem]

Hi Kulstar I remember your posts from a long time ago. It’s great that you are getting you’re life back, and must give others so much hope.  I hope things are good with your family.

[Author]

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