[pinkwings]

My son is 21, and a crack and heroin addict.

I have no feelings anymore, I have been through every emotion , took him to all the mental health/therapies/worked through the withdrawals/ashamed to say lent him money for drugs/took him to his dealer to buy drugs. Initially he said it was to drop something off, then I realised.

I have disregarded the baggies, bits of foil, broken straws, burn stains in the bathroom (He told me it was from cigarettes but I had told him not to smoke in the house) , time spent in the bathroom with the shower running yet he still smells? Until I googled paraphernalia and had a massive shock.

Because I didn’t believe he would actually take it in our home … and now I know what the smell is, I’m not sure it will ever leave me?

He has been aggressive, controlling and moody and I finally kicked him out yesterday after he came home hardly walking, then woke up on an obvious come down kicked off, took my phone and stood outside my door shouting at me and people walking past.

I have no idea where he is, and although I obviously love him, I have a massive sense of relief.

I have a couple friends that I can talk to, my GP has referred me to a counselling service, but I need to talk to people who actually understand!

I have heard the phrase ‘Peaceful yet painful’

[cassidy1989]

Pink wings you have absolutely done the right thing. I am in recovery and I think the hardest part was learning I can’t rescue other people from addiction. You have done everything you can and have been more than tolerant. I know the powerlessness is really hard to sit with. I think it’s a really good idea to get counselling. When I was in active addiction I didn’t really care about anyone but myself I was doing it to mask mental pain and I was very blinkered. When I was in rehab and my sister told me how traumatic it was to watch me did I realise how I had affected others. One of the founders of alcoholics anonymous Wife Lois Wilson started al anon up for family members as they realised the family needed to recover as well. I’m wondering if there is something like this you could attend. I know that smart recovery have friends and family meetings.

[scaredtobesober]

Hi PinkWings

Well I want to start by telling you how amazing you have been, and I hope there will come a time when you can realise this.

There are very few parents/loved ones that would have gone to the lengths you have to try and help the son you love. “You don’t take drugs, the drugs take you” literally sums it up in one sentence.

Although I am currently struggling with prescription painkillers, I am a recovered crack and heroin addict and the first thing that I feel is important to tell you is your son is not going to give this addiction up until HE wants to. And unfortunately no amount of love and support is going to change that. Unless you have ever experience the feelings that crack and heroin give you, it must be so difficult to understand but you need to know that you you DID do everything you could, and more.

When I look back, I would say that crack had a bigger hold on me than heroin did. It is so intense, so euphoric, and no matter how much you smoke, it’s never enough.

I feel helpless to find something to make you feel any better about your situation, other than to try and help you understand what a grip these two drugs have on you, and how you couldn’t have done more to help your son.

It is not selfish at all to put yourself first now and get the help you need to help you come to terms with everything that YOU have been through, through all of this. It much too often becomes about the user, but what you have been through needs to be your priority now.

I hope that maybe something in all that I’ve said has been helpful.

Hang in there, PinkWings, you sound like you are strong enough to make it through to the other side.

[bantam]

Hi PinkWings, your story is like a mirror of my own. I have only joined this forum today and posted. I can’t give you any advise but I think you know in your heart as I do, that you did the right thing ‘kicking him out’. My addicts key worker said to me This is HER addiction, not yours, but in a way it is, we live the desperation of it with them. I have put myself in danger many times and reading your story , I’m sure you have too. It’s going to be a hard road for both of us and I’m not totally sure I can stick to it. I have found that the website Drugfam is very good, founded by a mother who lost her son to drugs. The people on the other end of the line have all gone through it. I ring them often when I am going through a crisis, and while it does not solve the issue, just for a few days it helps my resolve to stay strong, so that gives me some peace for a short while. I wish you all the best

[lulu232]

I have problems with crack, never been interested in heroin but people use heroin to balance the crack urges away as they are so strong. You need quite a few things to build a pipe. And I usually make a lot of mess too. Hope ur boy sees sense and me too. It is a dirty drug x

[jennifer68]

Hi , just read your post I feel your pain I am in similar situation , just wondering how your son is now ? Did you let him come home ? I have done same to my son twice now over the years but always take him back just wondering how your situation is now it’s so helpful for me to find out other people in same situations experiences , thankyou

[bantam]

Hi all. Update on my addict. Covid has had a big impact on my situation. I’m ashamed to say I used it -legitimately to distance myself. I was isolating because I am in the older age group with an underlying condition. It broke the dependency a bit and she had to go through the addiction as best she could. The relief was twinned with guilt as every day I was expecting ‘that call’ to say she was dead . She eventually reached out to the drug centre and is on methadone. She is reducing it in stages and wants to be off it by next year. I know there will be hiccups along the way and pray yet again that this is the turnaround she needed. She is taking more responsibility for herself and I truly believe it is because I finally accepted that I could not carry on any more as it was affecting my mental health and life and it was her or me. This addiction has been hers and mine and It has taken 20 years of my life. Today I am stronger and I hope she is too. Time will tell.

[coco1212]

You guys are so brave. This is undoubtedly the worst thing I’ve ever gone through. My ex he’s on crack but now I’m starting to believe he’s on heroin too. How do i find out ? The reason I believe this is when he wakes up he says his stomach is killing him, like someone is punching him in the stomach and he says his legs hurt and sometimes he can’t move for the pain. I was told it’s heroin that does that not crack. Do any of you know if that’s true ?

[fearny]

Reading your post was like looking at my life my son is addicted to crack and like you have done everything to what I thought was helping

My son is bullying me for money and abusive when I have non to give nothing is safe in my home.

I know that if I kicked him out he would be on the street and I’m struggling emotionally as I am now at break down point..

[jennifer68]

Hi Fearny I really understand your pain I have constant knot in my stomach and am too on edge of cracking , I often feel like just just leaving my house and disappearing I had abuse yesterday cause I dared to ask where he was going and who he was meeting as knew he was going out on one ! I have nothing but debt and arrears and he spends every penny on his addictions I look at him when he is screaming and swearing at me and think what hell have I created i love him but hate him sounds terrible but true

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