[nikkic]

Hi, I asked you all to hold my hand a few weeks ago, I just need to write where I am now.

I’ve seen my ex twice in the last 6 weeks. He still hasn’t sorted therapy or changed any friendships or lifestyle. But he did ‘ seem’ to be doing ok. We messaged daily at first as I’d promised to support him through therapy and be there for him if he was struggling. But distanced , very distanced. 3 weeks ago he was awol all weekend and in his words nearly died taking so much cocaine and alcohol . He begged me to let him come home as it’s because he’s not with me it happened , I said no , 3 months ago I would have caved at this. I said no because of the boundaries , no drugs, remove toxic friends, get help. He had done none of these. I have me and my kids to think of first not him.

I did however message him tons of different meetings and phone numbers for help as I’d promised to be there for his recovery.

I saw him last weekend, he’d been really nice, like the straight him days leading up to it, so I agreed to see him , have a take out and chill.

We had a really lovely weekend , but deep down I had that anxiety feeling like it was wrong . You know that feeling…the hurt is coming next, but you ignore it as in those moments it’s so nice to have normal.

So this weekend it’s my birthday, he’d asked to take me out for dinner last night. I had said yes, my boys were at there dads sat night so why not.

I’d opened my heart to him again , was looking forward to it. He didn’t show.

I cried all night, again, over this man. Like a bloody baby.

I had contact from him at 1130 today, he had got drunk Friday night, apparently, and felt shit all day yesterday then fell asleep. Don’t worry, I do not believe this for one second.

Do you ever feel numb?

I wrote him a very long message, which explained how my life had been for the 5 years he’d been in it. I ended it with, you can only hurt people if they let you….

I feel surprisingly ok now. It’s not like the past deep hurt feelings that don’t leave you for a second as I hadn’t seen him much, if anything I’m more cross with myself for letting him in again. To all out there with partners who continue to hurt you, please keep strong, stay on your own path of recovery , feel what you need to feel when it happens , even if it’s overwhelming as the next time won’t be so overwhelming then it will get easier. A tiny bit at a time but it will.

I’m concentrating on things I’m grateful for as it saves my head getting too emotional.

I’m grateful I get my boys back in 1 hour then we are getting Christmas decorations down.

I’m grateful Asda delivery only had 8 substitutes…..

I’m grateful I have the bested friend ever and we are now going out next weekend for belated birthday fun.

I’m grateful I’m not an addict and have the choice to walk away from that life.

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