[3boymom]

Yes, he is out of the house for a month now. He is living with his mother who has been drug testing him. He does contact me in order to check on kids and schedule seeing them. If he can remain clean I have no problem with him seeing our kids; they absolutely adore him. I just think its time for me to move away from the hurtful cycle that continues to kill my spirit more and more each time he relapses. As Coco12 mentioned, its hard when you truly love someone but Im started to realize that my sanity and hapiness should be mean more to me than they do. I need to start caring for myself and stop putting his addiction before everything…..

[3boymom]

Havent got much further but Im sticking to my boundaries and he is out of the house. Its baby steps for me. Thanks for checking in.

[3boymom]

I thank you again for showing such strength. Im walking through it and Im trying to find my strength. I pray for you and your family, that your outcome is a positive one. Its funny you mention him being the hero and you being the boring mom. Thats exactly how it feels in our family and even now that the kids kind of understand the issues dad is facing, he is still the cool guy and Im the bad guy not allowing dad in the house. Thats a tough pill to swallow….Thank you again. This is so helpful to have this outlet and to have someone like you, who is kind enough to take the time to respond. I wish nothing but the best for you and your family. I would say stay strong but it looks like you got that part down!!!!

[3boymom]

KKlost –

Thank you for taking the time to respond. It means a great deal. I love your conviction. He is currently out of the house. No social services involved. Im healthy. He generally functions fine. He loves his kids, he is like the biggest one. Always wresting and playing but at times not the best role model. Its just his mood that changes sometimes and he has slow muscle reaction in his eyes so he looks like he is falling asleep which I absolutely loath. It makes me physically ill when I see it. This relapse is the calmest of them all. The last one was awful, threatening, calling the cops on me while he was high. It was insane and I feel like I should have left then because of how ugly it was. Somehow he convinced me he would changed and worked his way back in only to come to this place again 1.5 years later…..

Im working on being strong and putting myself first. I think empathy is a stong personality trait but in my case I think it can be harmful too. I worry about him and how it will affect him if we split and not what it could do for me(after going through all the pain of actually splitting of course) if I able to free myself from the pain of being a mother to him, the pain of feeling you dont have a partner to depend on, the anxiety of having to watch his every move(his eyes that show me he is using, the bank account where I see the cash leaving so he can fund his habit), the pain of keeping his secret from family and friends, the shame & embarrassment. Its exhausting, yet I believe his empty apologies and continue on this merry go round hoping for a different outcome. Writing it down makes it look like the decision is easy but when you see your children cry in fear of their parents divorcing, and a baby who cries to see his dad; it breaks me inside. I second guess myself. Is this part of my vow, in sickness and in health? Am I abandoning him because I cant handle the addiction. Im truly struggling.

[Author]

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