Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I feel like we are a perfect case for Jeremy Kyle
Our stories are so similar and how my son is still holding on to his job I’ll never know. Like you we know we’ll never see any of the money that he owes us. He was going to set up standing orders but that only happened once. Twice last year I had to give his wife money for the mortgage and baby’s food and every time I was promised it back but it didn’t happen and I still gave in and gave him money after listening to his stories of change and stopping. We were even abroad and I was being hounded. So that’s why now after going to the drugs group I understand why I had to stop and the fact that I’m broke! They tell us it is not our problem and help us deal with living with it. There are so many like us Kate it is frightening.
When I’m really angry I want him to be on the streets with nothing but then when I’m calm I cant do it. Where this will all end I don’t know. When hes nice now i dont know if its because hes taken coke or the real person i get so confused with all the mood swings. Your son was probably suffering with the anxiety and paranoia that goes with the come down when he called you.
Kate I know exactly how you feel I have been in your position so many times. I can only go by my experience which is ongoing. My son gets paid tomorrow and he owes his dad and me so much but when I mentioned it he said there wont be anything left after he pays out what hes borrowed off of other people so god only knows if his loans are being paid. Hes had such a free ride for such a long time now I really want him to go but I dont have the heart like you. I doubt he’ll make any attempt to offer anything to us but by us not making demands for it he just carries on borrowing until payday again. He even uses my car for work as if it was his own. I certainly have made a rod for my own back that why I advise if you’re strong enough refuse the money before you’re broke but it’s so hard not to help when they are so remorseful and upset.
Please try and get professional advice from somewhere kate it will help. Xx
I dont know what the icarus trust is but we have been dealing with a local drugs project and they have been so supportive and helpful x
I so feel for you I dont know how old your son is but mine is 32 and although I love him to bits I’m becoming less tolerant. What’s that saying you’re dammed if you and dammed if you dont. Xx
Hi Kate, he always pays the dealers so this us why he owes the loan companies etc . He too is with Stepchange and so am I now. My husband recently retired and I am 60 next year this is not how we wanted our retirement. We cant be extravagant, we have to watch every penny but he doesn’t get it. To him it’s just money there is no thought about what hes done until he uses and then becomes remorseful, paranoid and anxious. The same pattern everytime. I absolutely get where you’re coming from and I honestly don’t know what the answer is but we have told him the handouts stop and my husband is adamant that if he continues hell have to go . I dont know if I can bear that x
Kate it’s so heartbreaking. I think I said in my first post my son has payday loan companies chasing him where he has ignored their payments. He has buried his head in the sand in favour of his addiction. This is why his wife is asking for a divorce. What I was trying to say was no matter how much you help him financially because he promises to pay off debts and dealers it will be you who is the loser because he will continue to use cocaine. Myself and his dad have been to group sessions and individual assessments and the first thing they tell you is do not continue bailing them out. I hate this whole situation and I never ever would have dreamed we would be in this mess but I do blame myself for being sucked in to his false promises and lies and should have said no when he first started asking for financial help. Like you though I was weak, sad, bloody scared and believed that he wanted to change. I know he does but hes still not strong enough to stop it. So I wont be giving him anymore money. They will probably have to sell the house in the end to pay off the huge debts or the bailiffs will be in. His wife never even had s credit card before she met him and now she is classed as bankrupt. I’m sorry this message isn’t as positive as you might have liked but I’m just telling you our experience. I really hope your son sticks to his side of the deal for all your sakes x
Hi kate this will sound harsh but dont take a loan out. It won’t end up with just one loan. Myself and his dad are over £40,000 in debt because of the promises . Hes been remorseful, wants to change, doesn’t want this life any more and convinces us it will happen but in the last year it has got worse. The more you give in the more he’ll have you to fall back on. I am now with a debt management company because of the amount I had going out and I could cope with it. He emotionally blackmailed me say his wife will leave him, the dealers will do all sorts to her and his house and child or he was going to top himself. But sadly there has been no change and his wife wants a divorce anyway. Obviously you do what you feel is best but speaking from experience and from what our counsellors have advised us, do not give him anymore.
Good luck on Monday Kate i’ll be thinking of you and thank you Oiley and Danman for giving your stories from an addict’s perspective. I too wish I could teleport my son to outer Mongolia to live a different life, to give him a chance to get clean. When he came home after me tackling him about what I found in his pocket he was not happy at all. He’d been to his meeting but wouldn’t discuss what was said. Yesterday he didn’t have work and I went out. I got home just after 4 and he was still in bed which infuriates me. I knew why, it was because it was coming out of his system again! This is what happens so I can read the signs now. If he stays in bed all day its because he’s taken coke the night before or the night before that and it makes him anxious,fretful and paranoid. He did eventually get up, get showered and go and see his son for a hour or so. He was in a better mood than the previous day and when he came home he was nicer. How long this will last I don’t know. He will be out all day today coaching, I just hope he behaves after the game and doesn’t borrow money to either get drunk or do the other. I wish I could have faith in him.
Hi Kate, I feel your pain and empathise with you wholeheartedly. My son, nearly 32, moved back home with us in February after his wife of 3 years couldn’t cope any more. They have a 15 month old son too. He’d run up gambling debts and drug debts and has literally bankrupt them but also myself and his dad. We have been naive in the whole situation and honestly thought things would change if he moved back home. He’s remorseful every couple of weeks but is lairy, or has no energy, blames everyone else for his situation and lies, lies, lies! He’s had counselling on and off for years but his last lot he says went well and now attends a weekly group session. The last year has been the worst I have ever known him to be and he admits to having been doing cocaine since he was a teenager. We always thought gambling was the real issue but he’s admitted that cocaine is the real problem. I’ve been emotionally blackmailed into giving him thousands with the threat of what the dealers will do to his wife and baby. He’s threatened ending it all many times. Today I checked a coat pocket of his where I knew there were used tissues and rolled up receipts and a scratch card that he obviously sniffs the lines from. I wish I hadn’t as I found a fresh used bag. I’ve tackled him about it and he denies it saying it was an old one from his wallet. I’d warned him if I found anything else he’d be out but after arguing by text I’ve backed down. I can’t kick him out. He says he’ll go but he has no money and nowhere to go. Why can I not detach myself from him he’s 32 for Christ sake. Myself and my husband have both been to counselling and my husband attends a group for families and friends but he doesn’t know about this incident today. His wife is a nervous wreck and she has now filed for divorce. He has debt companies chasing him because he hasn’t paid the loans he’s taken out to cover his debt. He has literally made us all pathetic, helpless and broke. As B8988 said he is paranoid about his wife having affairs accusing her of all sorts. She has now filed for divorce. He’s become isolated, he was once the life and sole and very well liked but I believe our community know what he is now and don’t bother with him. I’m waiting for him to come home after his meeting to see what he has to say but I really don’t know how much more we can take. Oh and alcohol is another issue, he can’t just have one he has to become absolutely hammered. What happened to our lovely, talented son ????????????.