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Sorry to hear you are both going through it still. Sounds very draining as I know.
After seeing mine so unwell I have let him back home on a probation type thing.
He’s not sleeping well after all the years of abuse but I think he has stopped it, but who knows. He said he has as it’s effected his health so much. But I’m worried the gambling will take over again now he’s gone cold turkey. As he used to do the two together.
I’m hoping him spending time with his daughter again will give him perspective as he knows this truly is his last chance to get help. The conditions he has is if he wants to live here he has to show he is actively wanting to get his old self back.
Doctors, therapy and getting a routine back then eventually a job.
It’s his last chance. I’m stronger now being apart and with a little child on my own- so I will help but I will only do that if he helps himself.
So we can only hope! I’ve exhausted all chances now so this is really it for me and then I can say I’ve done all I can.
Exactly. They are irrational and unfortunately yes they would be doing drugs/gambling etc etc less if they were with us but still doing it and it still very much being a problem.
The kids are the most important as we know but it doesn’t make it easy to turn our backs on them but it’s also the right thing to do until they are ready to accept help.
That will be good to book your partner into a rehab place. I would do that, but he wouldn’t go so there is no point as they want to have to want it! And unfortunately up until today mine is still lying. I nearly fell for it this week. Him saying he wants to see our little one and start seeing her everyday and having a routine again will help him etc etc. Then of course more lies, he wanted money for this then that etc etc. then when I didn’t give it, the final amount he asked for, he said went crazy. (Clearly not what he asked it for- he clearly needed it for drugs or gambling) he’s blown up my phone to me whole evening and same a-bit different day basically.
Oh I am so sorry you are going through the same.
It’s awful isn’t it. It’s just you know they aren’t being logical with their thinking, but you can’t help but feel guilt.
I agree that’s my thought process too, it has to be them that make the changes and it almost starts to become emotional blackmail/ manipulation. It’s not our fault. They need to want the change. I kept giving chance after chance living together and it hasn’t worked this long so why would it work this time? Unless there is actual change.
Stay strong! We can only hope they realise before it’s too late ????????????
It really does.
I don’t know what came first, the gambling or the drugs but they have unfortunately come hand in hand.
I haven’t heard from him for a few days. I miss him but I almost feel relief also, which I feel bad about too!
Honestly the guilt you have is never ending even if you know rationally we shouldn’t have the guilt, if that makes sense! It’s hard not to feel it.
Completely understandable. I wasn’t ready for a long time to tell friends and family. But as it got worse, people could tell things were off they just didn’t know what!
I held it in for so long and it was such a relief when I had people to talk to. I think it’s always easier first to talk to someone who doesn’t know you both as there is no judgement so you are doing the right thing just talking to anyone just so you don’t have to go through it on your own.
I don’t know what I would do without the support! It’s definitely one hell of a journey at the moment.
I hope your situation gets better soon ????????
Hey there,
I am new to this too in a similar situation. I’m sorry to hear your partner is addicted to cocaine too.
One thing that has made things easier for me which I didn’t do for a good 6- 8 months was tell family. I was ashamed and embarrassed but it was the best move I did. As the extra strain of hiding it was making me feel worse which I didn’t realise until after.
Now all our close friends know as I needed support in people following up with him on a friend level so he had people too.
My husband is a gambler and cocaine addict even though he only admits to the gambling being a problem and he ‘can take it or leave it’ apparently with the Coke. However since the pandemic and he lost his job he hid from me for ages that he was racking up debt gambling and to coke dealers. I was 6 months pregnant when I realised he owed so much money to people.
I paid off his debts and each time he would come with more promising it would be the last time. The amount of times I forgave him, he gave me the speech of ‘ I just need to find a job I like and everything will get better, I promise that’s the last thing I owe. Then after a week or two of things being better and starting to see the old him again, it would all start again. But as time went on, 3 jobs later, I of course had a newborn to look after.
Very long story but here we are 16 months later since my baby was born and I can count on one hand how many times he’s done anything with us outside of the house.
But I have lost count of the amount of times he has ‘popped out’ and been back in 10/15 minutes late at night or another excuse for why he needed money (apparently not for gambling or drugs- yeah right)
The last straw was when he blamed me for losing his recent job because he was stressed with moving house and he couldn’t sleep etc (basically up all night probably gambling or doing drugs) so would take half days at work where he’s so tired. Oh and it was my fault because I went away for a few days with my little one and he didn’t wake up for work one day.
In the next breathe he says I’m not blaming you. He was raising his voice getting angry grabbing things and I thought finally I’m not putting up with this anymore especially with my little one there and told him he needed to go.
Since then he has basically told me he will continue to spend money or do crazy shit until he doesn’t wake up as doesn’t want a life without us. I told him We can have a life in the future once he gets help and starts taking accountability! His constant thing which he keeps repeating is he can’t do that until he’s living with us and that’s just not an option anymore. His brain won’t allow him to do that? It only wants one thing to be with my daughter full time. Yet he won’t see her and only seen her quickly 3 times in the last 7 weeks as ‘it’s too hard leaving her’ so doesn’t want to see her.
The guilt they put on you is unreal. You start to feel unwell. It’s emotional blackmail which I am starting to see clearly now. However it still can get to you. I often get upset about the life we once had and what he’s put us through. Well his addictions.
I really miss the old him. The person who would never of done these things or treated me the way he has. The person who would always check in on me and that I got home safely. The person I have been with all my life.
It would make it so much easier If I hated him. But of course I don’t. I hate this new version but not the person who you sometimes see a glimmer of, giving you false hope that one day they will come back.
His erratic behaviour is out of control now. I’m fed up of having the same conversations and being called heartless for not helping him when all I’ve done is help. It’s time he helped himself.
But I am now also worried he will run up debt against me where we are married and I have my daughter to protect too.
Anyway so sorry that was long! I just wanted you to know which I’m sure you do… your never alone! There are so many of us going through it, even if we never thought it would be us.