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I’m sorry noone’s replied, so here I am on July 17th. He is using and is clearly heavily addicted. The wisest thing is for you to go and see Women’s Aid and see how they can help you and your son (although as an 18 year old he’s now an adult.) As you don’t work, it’s likely that you can stay in your home while he will have to move.
(Realistically, even moving out doesn’t guarantee your partner will change/quit. Addiction is a horrible and selfish disease. Many don’t have the capacity for empathy, as they’re too busy thinking about their next hit.) My younger brother misused drugs most of his life but we had early childhood trauma, so I understood the reasons for using, and as he lived 30 miles away, I didn’t – happily – have to witness it. We met up every 2-3 months for walks and sometimes lunch. I paid a few of his bills the last 5 years of his life, but never gave him cash.
Have you got family close by who can help in some way. You have rights, so get the best possible legal advice – and Women’s Aid advice – you can. Sending hugs and strength to you! Fight for you and your son and don’t look back. It’s not your fault, btw. It’s trauma, not anyone’s fault.
Let your son go……. Really, you’ve done your best and his addiction is really affecting the rest of the family. Far better that he moves out and gets professional help. None of you can fix, nor save him, that’s HIS job. I write as sister to an almost lifelong drug using younger brother and now with an adult son with similar issues. Far easier when they live away and you can see him every 2-3 months. Never give money, pay a bill IF you want to and can afford to. I found just walking and talking really works. No expectations, just treating him like a human being and family member.
Addiction changes our brains. It short circuits the dopamine (pleasure) receptors to make them crave drugs or alcohol. The rest of us are just a blur once the addiction really sets in. If you want to understand more, I suggest you look at TED talks by Dr. Gabor Mate and Marc Lewis, both experts in trauma, addiction and recovery. Beneath our using (and I misused booze for some decades: drank at home so noone knew) is almost always some kind of childhood trauma, or intergenerational trauma. (Going back 3-4 generations.) I quit drinking at 62 and am now fit and healthy with zero depression, nor mental health issues.
Sending big hugs and good luck!
Don’t feel ashamed, make sure you all stay well and live your lives knowing how hard you tried. Sending big hugs.
This is a long time since you posted. Never, ever, ever doubt yourself and your need for safety. Let your son go, quietly ask him to go and change the locks on back and front door.
Only HE can get himself sober and clean. Nothing we do, nor say, helps when addiction takes over. You deserve a much better and calm life. At his age, you shouldn’t be worrying so STOP worrying and take care of you first each and every day. It’s not selfish, it’s life-saving.
Perhaps read Melody Beattie’s book “Codependent no more.”
My younger brother never made it out of drug misuse. He lived 30 miles from us and I saw him every 2-3 months. I gave up expecting him to change when he was in his early 20s. He took his life at 54. Very sad. There were some happy years, but mostly unhappy. We CAN’T change them, it has to come from within. Sending hugs…
I would get help from NACOA – the National Assn. for the Children of Alcoholics. This applies to adult children, btw. They run a free helpline and are really good. And there’s DrugFam who have more resources and will get back to you quicker.
The book I found very helpful (my dad had mental health issues – very similar to booze) is “Unspoken Legacy” by Dr. Claudia Black. It lays bare what happens when there’s addiction in a family, going back 3-4 generations. There’s also a spreadsheet to look at and complete, as often we find there are many of us in particular family groups. It’s in the genes. Because of the way my dad treated us, my younger brother and I both ended up with addictions: him drugs and me booze. Eric (brother) never made it out and took his life at 54. I quit drinking for good at 62, as it was wrecking my mental health. Now 70, and never felt healthier.
The substance misuser MUST want to seek help. No family, nor friends, can force them. It’s very damaging to force them. Check out the information on this site about boundaries: how to decided on them and how to set them AND the consequences of the person not changing. Not following through is also damaging. Sending big hugs.
As a sister of an almost lifelong addict (drugs) younger brother, who later took his life, and with a son who struggles with alcohol misuse – over 50 years of trauma, what I would says is this: Look after #1 first, always, always.
The best possible thing is your son leaving. This gives you more space and peace, which is essential to our mental health. Our loved ones (and we still love them a bit, don’t we?) have to sort themselves out. Some will end up homeless. Unless they get professional help for their addiction, they’re likely to do everything and anything to continue using. This is simply the end result of addiction: the booze/and or drugs have taken over and the need for the daily hit consumes them. Addiction is very natural, because the substance replaces our natural dopamine and many can’t live without the fake dopamine.
There is help here, and on other forums. Make sure you change your locks, hold your head high and reassure yourself that you did your best. 90% of the families I know have been affected by addiction, but most are too ashamed to talk about it. I do: quietly, because it enables other people to share their worries.
You deserve peace, never forget that!