[artemis1]

I met my boyfriend 12 years ago when he was a year and a half out of rehab. I was broken too, I just got out of a 16 year marriage and felt like I had lost my way. It seemed we were on the same path to putting the pieces of our lives back together and in someways we were spiritually aligned. He was good for about five years, and then he had back surgery. That led to an addiction to pain medication for three years plus. He faced losing his job if he didn’t get off the pain meds, so he did it himself I was so proud of him! About six months later he relapsed with crack, and it was once or twice a year for a long time after that. I think the best he did was put a year together. Each time he relapsed, each time he used, he waited until I was working overnight or out of town. I always found out when I came home and I was always heartbroken for him but he was always so open and seemingly honest with me and himself, saying all the right things like he never wanted to do it again… and things would be good for a little while. Recently, we had company from out of Town that we hadn’t seen since before Covid and I was appalled embarrassed and humiliated he was smoking crack in his den hiding away from us right and in front of us at the same time. It was just too much, all the talk of being honest all the talk of recovery all the talk of staying clean it seems like he threw it right in my face. I told him he had to leave. And I meant it. He’s a great liar, he knows exactly what to say so he can stay… I think maybe he means it at the time but I don’t know. I know I can’t live with someone who relapses every 3 to 6 months and lies to me while he’s doing it. I don’t trust him and I’ve lost respect. I told him if there was any chance for us he needed professional help again, the only time he was real and committed was when he was fresh out of rehab. He leaves this morning and I’m both relieved and terrified of not having him in my life. I want to know if you can ever beat crack addiction. He’s been battling it for decades. I love him but it’s reasonable that I don’t trust him to protect me emotionally. He cannot live with me. He knows he can’t come back here after rehab. The future is so uncertain, my love is unconditional but living with me is not. I hope he finally realizes that’s it not his whole life he’s f’d up… he’s f’d up recovery and his life is falling apart. I hope he gets it right this time but how will I know?

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