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Hi ladies,
Where do I start?! Well we’ve been together 15 years, married 12. His use started at weekends, I’m not sure at what point it changed to beyond recreational, but it did, and you can see from my old posts all about what’s happened. It’s been a rollercoaster, and if I’m honest, if we didn’t have a child, I’d have run for the hills when I realised the extent of the problem. But I didn’t realise until after we had a child, or it got worse after that. Accusations of me cheating, shouting, massive paranoia, treading on eggshells, staying out all night, sleeping all day, hanging out with a crowd I didn’t have anything in common with (which made me a snob). My mood took a huge turn, and the stress of it all almost killed me.
But, 2 years ago it all changed, I’d like to think he saw the error of his ways, but I think it was partly that and partly our child growing older and noticing more, but mainly the fact he had started to destroy in his septum, this is years and years of abuse, like 25 on and off.
How did he give up: we did it at home, physically the withdrawal is ok, mentally it’s hard. He distanced himself from friends who did it, he spent more time at home with us, his family, he ate well, he totally gave up alcohol – I think this is important, at least for a while and then only to reintroduce it in a small scale. I don’t drink either now, although tbf I don’t care for it.
He had to make the decision to quit, nothing I could do could stop him. He talks about people he know who still do it in a negative manner now, his mindset has shifted.
He’s done amazing, I however have mental health issues still now because of the fear of it coming back into our lives. It’s pretty irrational but it’s there. I’m sure a lot of partner of addicts have this too.
I hope you can find comfort and hope in my story, it is possible to stop, but there’s nothing you can do to make that decision.
Sending love x
Hi Poppy1234,
How have the past couple of weeks been?
I’m married to a recovering coke addict, he is clean from alcohol and coke for over 2 years, if I can offer some help I will. Feel free to ask anything.
Take care of yourself x
Welcome to the rollercoaster world of life with a cocaine addict.
You don’t know from one day to the next what they’ll be like, you dont know what you can say without making them angry, you can’t be you anymore, you dont know how to be 🙁
I’m so sorry you are going through this, i’m sorry for everyone going through this. I wish I knew what to say to make everyone magically able to know how to cope with existing in this chaos x
We have a child (10) and she has anxiety already, I’m sure it is because of things she was exposed to in her younger years.
She saw him in a rage, smash my phone, talk to me like shit, saw me upset although I tried my best to hide it in front of her, she remembers not being picked up from a childcare setting because I was in another town working for the day, and he was asleep at home (I had to get the neighbour to come and wake him up). I truly hope she doesn’t remember as much as I think she can, but I see her stand up for me in minor disputes now, and then I can remember her comforting me when she was so young and she just knew something was wrong even though I had shielded her as much as humanly possibly living in the same house.
What a mess they leave. Hopefully now 2.5 years in, the good memories will outweigh the bad and she will begin to forget.
x
For sure – you need to look after yourself, because an addict sure as hell won’t or can’t. Whichever it is – they dont.
I think the tests that you do without his knowledge will be the accurate ones Debbie, i have in the past done the same as you, also used the water hanging around in the drain of the shower my husband had, which was always positive too.
I read a post on a different thread from a guy called Jamesb, he’s in recovery, and what he wrote about how addicts see partners who dont use will provide clarity for you.
‘To reply to your current situation, him being angry at you all the time and going in other rooms etc.
You to him (well his addiction) right now are literally an obstacle, you’re in the way. Imagine he has a little voice in his head that is the addiction. That voice doesn’t like you. It tells him to avoid you because he cant use Infront of you. You want him to stop you are not okay with it. That voice (the addiction) in order to survive needs him to believe that using cocaine isn’t the problem, everything and everyone else is the problem. I know this because I used to do the exact same thing.
He will snap and tell you he needs someone to love him but in reality giving him affection and love right now will be near impossible because all he wants to do is be alone with his little voice and get on it. Even though deep down the real him knows that you aren’t the problem and that he is the one in the wrong his addiction wires his brain to genuinely believe that you are bad.
]This is because as an addict he will always play the victim, that’s a coping mechanism to bridge the 2 parts of him the decent part or the guy he was and the addicted side. Without that, when he wakes up the next day and he is back to feeling himself, he would be overridden with guilt for all the bad things he says and does due to his addiction so the outcome is that he feels a victim, he tells himself he’s the good guy and everyone wants from him. He tells himself the grief of losing his dad is why he gets on it. ( I did the exact same for years when losing my parents but the truth is after a while I wasn’t grieving, I was just an addict).
The bottom line is right now he is in full frontal denial.’
Its on the message someone called Navy started, called ‘Unhappy’ you might want to ask an addict in recovery how you should deal with this. He also gives advice on his post about how to challenge him in the right way.
Please take care of yourself – I know only to well how this eats you up, I went from 11st to 8st, not being able to eat and also nervous energy, my nervous system was fully on all the time! I’m tall, so 8st was skeletal!
x
Hi Debbie,
Firstly, are you sure the wee in the toilet was his, not one of his kids? If it was his then that’s likely to be the accurate one, I’ve known people cheat the tests quite easily.
Unless you saw him actually wee in a pot (even saw the wee coming out – gross) and hand that pot to you to test then I wouldn’t believe it!
Believe me, they’ll do anything to cover their asses x
Been thinking about you, are you ok?
The silent treatment is painful, sending love x
Hi Debbie,
I’m not sure what to say. This is classic addict behaviour.
Him saying you’re lucky he’s still there… in what crazy world is that lucky? But they say it and they believe it’s normal to say that.
Look at this rationally, you’re not having an affair, you’re not a drug addict with mood swings, you’re not wasting money, you’re not doing anything wrong. All you are asking is that he stop using cocaine, for his health, his mental well-being, your relationship, for money reasons. Yet you are being blamed for causing ‘this’ just because you want him to stop doing something you don’t like or agree with.
It’s like coke addicts have all read a crap book on how to be an asshole to your partner…. They are literally all the same!!
This situation will destroy you slowly if he refuses to accept he has a problem or accepts it but won’t do anything about it, it amounts to the same thing.
They all lie, they all hide stuff. They’re secretive and then blame you for being suspicious! This isn’t what normal relationships are like.
I don’t know what to tell you in terms of how to handle it. Just be careful and if you need to leave. Leave xx
Hi Debbie,
Oh goodness, this sounds like he’s getting worse. It sounds like my husband, its like living with someone with a split personality, and you never quite know what you are going to get form one day to the next. The problem is that the bad days start to outweigh the good, if they havent already, and you’ll hang on to the glimmer of the good days, even though they are few and far between.
I used to listen to him on the phone to anyone else and he’d be totally fine, then he’d speak to me like he’d just trodden in me. Its because you/me are the ones who are trying to get him to stop! So we are/were the enemy in their messed up brains.
I understand why you want to go away, and why you want to do that with him, and i’m sure you will have a lovely time. But its not the real world anymore, a clean holiday is just a sticking plaster, and it will fall off when you come home. Its paid for, so do it, and enjoy it, but I can’t think it will make any difference because he’s totally in denial.
Take care of yourself x
Oh yes, the old logical side – there isnt any logic anymore is there! No rational thinking for us.
I used to say to myself, ‘just let him get on with it, and live your life’ If only it was that easy!! xx
Oh Faith, I’m thinking of you. It is exhausting living on the knife edge isnt it.
I was meant to be away in the USA in a months time for work, but I can’t do it. My anxiety thinking about not being here is so high, i’ve made my excuses and won’t go.
We went out to an event a couple of weeks ago, and I was worrying about that for weeks, because I knew alcohol would be there. I needn’t have!
He’s fine, I’m not always. I’m ok when I know i’m in my good place, and home with him and our child, and i’m fine with him being at work, its just if he was out of an evening I would be a wreck.
Without trying they have taken our souls away too x
The thing you need to ask yourself is whether you can accept his drug use. By the sounds of it he sees no problem with it, and doesn’t understand your concerns.
It also depends whether if you can accept it now, will it get worse, and will he waste more and more money on it, start staying out all night, sleeping all day, lie and cheat.
Mine got to the point where I believe he had psychosis because of his coke use, he was accusing me of cheating – and actually believed it, was staying out all night (and not seeing any issue with it) on random people’s sofas. Money was never an issue, because he earned well, but my life was basically like being a single parent, but also having to deal with his mood swings and rudeness constantly. I wont go back to that life, and hopefully now he’s seen the good life for the last 2.5 years, he’ll stay this way, he’s achieved so much more clean, and he can see the results himself, and speaks of coke users with negativity.
I would probably go on the holiday, but dont let yourself be fooled that this will be a new leaf, just enjoy it for what it is, and decide what to do when you come home xx
Oh Debbie, I’m so sad to read this.
I mean, his response in the end is plausible, but all this does is (if that is what happened) is confirm he does not have the willpower to say no thanks, I’m clean.
So, now you will worry if he encounters any stress at work, or if he is tired from riding his bike…. as well as going to the pub.
I’m not about to tell you what to do, but I dont think he has enough respect of what this is doing to you to quit for you, the promises he’s made are now empty.
I assume you went home in the end yesterday as I’m late replying. I hope you are ok xx
Err – ‘I was thinking my kids hate you but I would never say this to you!!’ but he just said it, such random behaviour.
The problem is Debbie that you”ll always be wondering, always be dreading events, not wanting the weekend to come, not wanting anyone to invite him anywhere, the trust is disappearing. And he has to work on that with you, rather than act how he currently is.
Would he honestly do it at his mothers house with his son?? One place I knew i’d be safe would be my in laws, as he would NEVER have done it there.
I think you really know the answer to your own questions in your head, its just acting on what your head is telling you xx