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Molly,
I will never understand why women stop grandparents seeing their grandchildren because of a grown childs behaviour. You are not him, its not your fault, and its not fair to lump you in the same group.
Maybe you could talk to the mothers to explain how you feel and what you are going through, I can understand why they dont want the children around your son, but you are not a drug addict. They may feel as though you are taking his side and accepting his problem, make sure they know that you are not accepting of it.
Partners of drug addicts are damaged, they’ve probably been through more than you realise, and they may be scared that you are trying to allow your son to get to them through you. Just make sure they understand that you are at the end of your tether and that you want to have a relationship with your grandchildren, with a sober son, or without him if he cannot be that.
Sending love x
It always feels like you have to show them what they are missing out on by existing this way.
The problem you have here is that your son has nothing else to think of, I assume no partner, no job, no interests. His world just revolves around that?
You have to be the strong one Molly, he’s on a one way street here from what I can see, and its not fair on you.
Have you considered moving away? x
Hi Molly,
I dont have experience in crack addiction, but I presume its quite similar to cocaine. I dont want to teach you to suck eggs, but can you get him to visit a dr?
Crack is going to kill his pleasure receptors, so that he wont easily find pleasure with anything else. Also the more they do, the more it just becomes that you have to use it to feel normal, not good, just normal. Thats because he’s addicted right. Thats why coke and crack are sly drugs, they reel you in with a ‘good feeling’ then it takes more to achieve that feeling, then you get to the point where your son is now, which is using to feel normal, not even to feel good.
I don’t know what to say to help you, can you get him into rehab? Or isnt he interested? If he’s not then maybe tough love, he is 30, he has to move out.
x
Hi Kaza,
My husband is 6 months clean from Coke, and also doesnt drink now either, as they tend to go hand in hand for him.
I’m always worrying about a fall back, last year he stopped for a good number of months, and then started again, I could see the stressful situation coming, and boom, there it was, a couple of lines once or twice a week, and after 6 weeks, back to every day and an absent husband/father.
I’m holding on the hope that one time he’ll stop for good. He seems in a good place right now, and very negative towards friends who do it still.
I never left my husband, so I wouldnt tell anyone to leave, unless they were in danger of course. But i’m sure you have to get to a point where enough is enough right. His problem isn’t your problem, thats correct, however his problem is making a problem for you, and that isnt fair. He isnt showing the same empathy to you as you are to him.
Marriage is about compromise, but when you are married to an addict, you do all the compromising and they seem to do what they like, even though i’m sure they’d protest different, haha.
Have a read of my old threads, my husband has been on coke most of our 15 year relationship, with some breaks, some longer than others. The good the bad and the ugly you’ll read from my posts.
I’m in a good place right now, but the fear of a relapse never leaves, and I still choose my words carefully, and think about his reaction before speaking, even though now, I dont need to!
xx
Naivety is nice, I wish I didn’t know what I know now. Because that would mean I hadn’t gone through all the crap I have 😉
Keep him busy, but not soo busy he has too much stress.
Not drinking will help too, alcohol will drop his guard. His conscious mind will not be fully in control if he drinks, and it would be easy to slip up. Unless you plan to watch him like a hawk if he has a few beers…. which is exhausting I can tell you.
Plus alcohol is a depressant, so that added to the fact he’s recovering so is potentially ‘down’ would be a recipe for disaster.
You’re doing well, keep smiling x
Kaza and K1983,
How are you both doing? I saw one of you mentioned co-depencency, theres a really good book called Hope Street, by Amanda Andruzzi, its her story, and it will resonate.
Its almost like there is a Cocaine switch in brains that makes them act the same way.
Kaza, my husband used to say ‘i’m not good enough, I never have been’. Its the self pity coming through, I guess to an addict, a non addict will always appear to be better than them right? I used to find myself hating myself for making him feel like that. I realise now that how someone else sees us is not our problem to fix.
Keep smiling x
Hi Molly,
I didnt want to read and run.
Can I ask, what drugs is he taking? do you know?
Sending a big hug x
Hi Kklost,
I was so happy to read your update.
Its a bitter pill to swallow, but I know that honesty is the best policy, and that armed with everything you make better decisions.
Long may it continue x
Hi there,
I dont have much experience in the alcohol situation, but if it bothers you then it is a problem. In marriage you have to compromise, you may not like what the other person has to say, but if its a problem for them, then its a problem.
It does look quite excessive, looks like 60-70 units a week, and the recommended guidance is a maximum of 14.
I’d be on the floor after any of those days!
Dismissing is just a deflection, chances are that she knows it is a problem, but doesnt want to stop, or admit it to you.
Some others on here may have some advice, sorry that I don’t personally. Keep smiling, and stay positive.
Best wishes 🙂
I echo Dot’s message. I’m pleased you are ok, and getting the support you need. Sending huge hugs and lots of love, you can do this ???? take care of yourself, you deserve happiness x
Hi Pink Shadow,
Bless you, you had hope and then it vanished. Its so unfair on you, because it will feel like he’s totally disrespecting you, and he is. Although the mental addiction is so strong that you have to remember that this is not your fault, he can’t help it. Obviously at some point some people have a lightbulb moment and realise what they are doing and that they are just this drugs slave now. They get to the point that its not enjoyable, they need it to be normal. I dont know if your chap is anywhere near that point, its difficult to tell, and they rarely admit it. It usually takes other people to point it out to them, and if he’s surrounded by coke heads, then that wont happen.
Re your 17 year old, just remember what you tell cannot be untold. So it may get to the point that he wants to stop, but then your 17 year old will be different towards him, and therefore that’ll be a reason not to bother. You dont know how the 17 year old will react. I can’t answer that for you, I never told my now 18 year old about my husband’s addiction as it would have destroyed the relationship they have, although tbh that isnt that strong anyway.
Just look after number one – YOU, don’t worry about him, make him aware you are there, but you arent going to be there if he carries on with this. He has a choice to make.
Sending hugs x
Is there a way to private message? I dont think I know how to do that. To be honest I’m worried that he’s found that she’s been getting support on this forum Dot 🙁
Thanks Dot – I hope she’s ok, her partners paranoia seems off the scale, and knowing how I felt when my husband was like that, I am concerned for her.
Has anyone heard from Sickworried, I’m worried about her.
Fab work Dot!
Amazing things happen to those who believe 🙂