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sickworried,
Sorry, I haven’t been around much over the weekend. How are you doing?
In my experience, him telling his friends you have cheated, they probably don’t believe him. I know my husbands friends didnt, they paid him lip service, but they all knew it was in his head. However, they didnt help me.
You don’t have kids, please leave him. Your mental and physical health will suffer, I lost a tremendous amount of weight and I’m already slim, I was almost skeletal, because I couldn’t eat through worry.
I didn’t leave because of fear, by leaving I thought it would look like I was guilty, crazy huh. Don’t bother recording your downtime, he’s paranoid about what ‘didnt happen’ in the past, as opposed to what is happening now, and there is nothing you can do about that, trust me. You cannot make someone believe you, you wont have proof that something didn’t happen. The same way that he wont find proof that it did, yet he is happy to make you feel like this.
I am worrying about you, I know how I felt going through what you are. I’m mentally scarred from the years, I’m getting better, but I still second guess what he’ll think to a comment before speaking. I was in counselling myself before lockdown, because I know that I need to work on my ingrained fear. He is fine now, clean and content, but I still can’t change how I react because its deep rooted.
Sending love x
sickworried,
Your story almost made me feel sick, I had an identical situation with my husband early 2017. I actually think he did really believe that he was right and that I was lying, there was no proof because nothing happened, he smashed my phone up, phoned my boss (happily married with teenage children!!) and demanded to see logs of conversations (mortified), demanded to look through my internet history, it got to the point that I actually believed he’d put a tracker on my car – which wouldnt have been very exciting to watch, home, shop, nursery, home and repeat. There was NOTHING I could say to make him believe me, he was obsessed. He was also heavily using Coke. Its really hard to prove innocence to something you never thought you’d have to.
Took my husband almost 6 months to sort himself out, during which time he was awful to live with.
He’s had a few relapses since then, and the same thing rears its ugly head. But clean it doesnt…. go figure!
In addition, its worth mentioning that while I wasnt being unfaithful, he actually was. So I wonder if the guilt of that manifested itself into believing if he was then I must be.
I don’t know the answer, but you are not alone. If you can get out do, it might give him a wake up call. Do you have any kids?
x
Hi Hw
What was my husband like when he was using.
– moody
– snappy
– argumentative
– belittling me
– disrespectful
– sneaky
– selfish
– arrogant
– paranoid
Once I had to go away with work overnight, our daughter threw up, I was in a conference, I had 47 missed calls In 3 minutes and aggressive texts. Because why couldn’t I answer my phone. Totally irrational! The times I used to call him and he would have been able to answer but he didn’t bother.
When I got home there was coke residue in the bathroom, I said why the f**k are you doing coke when looking after our child, he asked how I knew, I said there’s coke in the bathroom. His reply angrily ‘enough for a line?’
Many things like this happened. His clean self would be ashamed if he was reminded of all these times.
It’s like living with Jekyll and Hyde, mostly Jekyll. Treading on eggshells, thinking before you speak etc.
He made me feel like I was going mad. But of course I’m not mad! xx
He didn’t tell you because he didn’t want you to stop him or ask him to leave. Like you have now.
Honestly honey, he needs to sort himself out. You’ve taken the first step, try not to go back on it or you’ll be right back to square one.
He will understand why you’ve reacted this way. He might say he doesn’t but you’ve given him chances, you’ve offered him support, you’ve could have been his rock, but he chose his path.
He can stop. Everyone can…. it’s whether they choose to.
It won’t be a walk in the park, but the world is much bigger than the insular one he’s created.
He had his chance, he blew it. It’s not like you haven’t given him warning.
It’s up to him to sort himself out and get clean, then in a couple of months you can see how you feel. Don’t make rash decisions, you’re grieving, don’t feel guilt, don’t beat yourself up. He did this. Not you xx
Tbh I don’t know how he stopped. It was like he saw the light. I think the fact he realised he had a hole in his nose was part of it too mind.
There is no way he’d have stopped for anyone else. He stopped mid 2019 And relapsed October 2019, first time he came home full of upset that he’d failed, it won’t happen again, roll on 2 weeks and his mindset was more of I can do it every now and then and I can control it, I don’t want to say I’ll never be able to do it. Roll on another 4 weeks and he’s doing it in the day at work and taking Valium to hide it. At this point he then realised he can’t do it every now and then… and it has to be total abstinence and he can’t drink as it lowers his guard. Alcohol is a depressant anyway so that’s really not a great combo! A recovering addict and a bottle of wine. No way!
Once he’d had seen the light he was at home for a good 4 weeks as work was a trigger, He recovered, I looked after him, fed him, reassured him, held him, talked with him. He still knows coke users, scares me to death when he sees them, but he reassures me now, rather than hides it and shouts for being ridiculous (which of course you never are it’s just their defence mechanism)
Xx
I agree Kitten. That’s the problem, the bit of fun on weekends and then all of a sudden you’re hooked And it’s not fun. You need it to exist.
My husband says that it’s the only thing that gives him a good feeling, nothing else in life can do that anymore. His pleasure receptors are f**ked. Cocaine did that.
Kitten, we have a 7 year old too and it was a similar story with lack of interest in anything. Since being clean he’s far more engaging, don’t get me wrong he’s never going to win a father of the year award, but he tries now, will look at her school work, will play a board game with her if it’s not too long ???? it’s certainly improved.
It’s just such a sly evil drug, I despise it and the chaos it creates x
Oh my love, I know you love him. That’s what is so heartbreaking. You don’t want to see someone to deeply care about hurting.
If you think he is ready to change his life, you can help him. I can’t say kick him out and forget about him, because I didn’t and I couldn’t. My husband admitted he had a problem and I helped him fix it, but it wasn’t a walk in the park, he had to cut off a lot of people, not drink alcohol, And be incredibly strong willed. A lot of people have to go into rehab, my husband didn’t, we are 5 months clean but I’m always alert.
You aren’t on your own DW you are strong and brave, I wish I could give you a huge hug x
Hi HW,
I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Yes he’s vulnerable, but by god so are you and his is a choice, yours isn’t. Your choice is whether to allow his actions to rule your happiness.
He has to take responsibility honey, not you. You’re not his carer, you’re meant to be equal and while he’s on this evil drug you’re not equal by a long stretch as it will be taking all his attention.
Be strong and think about you, stop exhausting yourself worrying about him.
He has a decision to make, you’ve laid your soul bare, he knows the score.
Sending love x
Maggie,
Congratulations on the baby news although my heart sank a little.
I hope with all my hope that his use just stays at weekends and it’s kept under control.
The problem is that it generally starts at weekends, then moves to more regularly.
But it doesn’t always. But many many 40 ish year olds I know that we’re using it socially are now hooked.
I’d get, oh it’s such and suchs birthday this week, I’m not kidding id joke that I think Steve had 13 birthdays one year. Honestly if the day ended in a Y it’d be a reason to get on it.
When he’s sober, not high, and not on a come down, tell him how you feel. Explain how it worries you, it’s not irrational. It’s a class A drug for a reason. It’s dangerous.
Sending a big hug ????
Hi Hw
Please please please don’t feel guilty in any way for this. None of this is your choice.
Also, if you leave him and he spirals worse, that’s his problem not yours. He is a grown man and he must take responsibility for what he does.
Sorry, but he can’t have a cosy life at home and take drugs, despite your feelings. That’s called having your cake and eating it right?
I honestly feel for you, I’ve been in your shoes. If you can get him to leave do it, and don’t look back. Make sure you and your children are safe though as he may become volatile depending on when you try to get him to leave.
Sending massive hugs x
Maggie and A,
You are both young right? I’m mid 40’s, my husband is 50. Your stories sound just like mine 15 years ago.
If I could tell the old me what to do, it would be please leave and don’t have children together.
The nights I laid awake wishing he’d come home, wishing he’d come to bed and want to be next to me because he cared. The nights that didn’t happen and he’d roll in at 4am or the next day. My anxiety through the roof, but of course I was over reacting.
You will start to normalise things, like he got home 8 hours after I was expecting him, I was awake all night worrying. He comes home, is slightly apologetic but if you push it he’ll become angry because that’s the way to stop you bothering him.
Think about what you want from life. Don’t become a shell of your former self. If You leave, he gets clean and finds you again it was meant to be. If He doesn’t, you’ve had a lucky escape.
Keep talking to your friends, you need support going through this.
Sending love ????
Oh Pink Shadow, I feel for you. I really do.
Do what is right for you, you deserve to live a happy and content life. It’s so unfair that your happiness is dictated by someone else’s actions.
Here for you whenever you need me x
Bless you what a day!
Be careful, he may be trying to start an argument to give him an excuse to go out and get some. I would test him tomorrow and Sunday but don’t give him forewarning.
None of this is your fault, a lot of people work weekends, it doesn’t mean the other parent has to take drugs to get through it. Don’t feel any guilt for doing what you do, he’s transferring his guilt into you by excusing what he does x
Not all relationships end Pink Shadow. I’m still with my recovering husband. And he has been an addict for about 10 years, used recreationally to start with then when stressful things happened it gets out of control.
My husband is 5 months clean now, I feel like i’ve been here before, because I have, but the good times are great. He also now sees what his ‘mates’ are like, many of them have massive problems, like he did and he sees that they are not nice people.
Take some time to think about what you want, I stayed because I know theres a good man inside all the crap, although part of me also stayed through fear of what would happen if I didn’t, which I appreciate isnt a good reason, but as we have a child together I didnt want to be the reason why she didnt have a relationship with her dad.
Take care and have a good weekend
Coke is called the sly drug, and thats exactly what it is. You think you have it under control, then BOOM you havent, and there’s nothing you can do about it, and at the time you are in complete denial that there is a problem. The fact that you think he has a problem, and he doesnt is enough. If its a problem for you, then its a problem.
Its really for you to work out whether you can live in it, or whether you can demand an ultimatum. If he’s not an addict he wont have a problem stopping, my guess is, he won’t want to try because in his current state of mind, he’s not addicted and you’re blowing things out of proportion right?
I feel empathy for what you are going through, and I hope you find a way through this, sending hugs