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Hi Stlaisinha, sorry I didnt see your email until today.
I hope you are ok, I feel empathy as I too have been in your situation. My husband has relapsed more times than I can remember. He seems to think at the start of a relapse that he has the power, but once an addict starts again they have no power anymore. And unfortunately partners are then thrown into turmoil once more. The fear of it, the fear of how they are a different person, the worry about what they’re doing, when they’ll come home, what they’ll be like when they do. Its horrible.
You will be powerless to stop it, all you can do is explain how it makes you feel (but dont try talking when he’s high, it’s pointless) Tell him you are there for him, but protect yourself.
When people live with addicts they are all consumed, they lose their own identity, you spend all your time worrying about them, and not about you.
We are here if you need us. Sending hugs x
Hi Paolo,
I didnt want to read and run as it sounds like you are struggling.
Start by deleting dealers numbers, sorry, but you’ll have to change your circle of friends, as I imagine you’ve surrounded yourself with like minded people, stop drinking too as you’ll never stop if you carry on drinking, it lowers your guard.
Believe me when I say, life will be easier, more enriched and you will be a much better father to your girls and a much better husband to your wife than you are now.
Focus on them, keep occupied with them, throw yourself into family and work. Its hard to stop, but my husband is 6 months clean after 20 years mostly on the stuff (with differing levels of use)
This site is good for offering support and seeing it from the side of the people the addiction is affecting, which believe me, will be far worse than you realise.
Keep in touch.
Hi PokerFace,
Do you have a positive support network around you, positive relationships, I’d guess probably not because my husband sounds like you (well he’s 6 months clean) but your story is similar, and believe me when I say, all those so called mates that hang around you, wont be there when you are clean, BUT the best mates who are true friends, see the change in you and support you, will be the people you need. I was at the end of my tether with my husband, it wasnt the money, he could afford it. It was the UTTER disregard to anybody elses feelings aside his own. Staying out all night, phone off, working late, the agressive mood he’d return in if I dared to ask questions about his whereabouts. He didnt care about me, or his kids, his parents had started to notice, people he worked with were on the verge of leaving because they didnt want to work in an environment where coke users/dealers were frequent visitors, he couldn’t be bothered to do anything. 6 Months clean and he’s a different person, he has motivation, he has drive, he has love to give and we love him!
Taking the first step in admitting you have a problem is the hardest. There was nothing I could have said to my husband to make him stop, even ending up in hospital after an overdose because I couldn’t see a way out of this s**t life didn’t stop him. This cocaine fuelled world is good for nobody, not you and not the people around you.
Take a step back, not high, not on a come down, and think how much more fulfilling life could be without being a slave to it.
Good luck x
Hi Simon,
How much are they drinking? Are they functioning alcoholics?
Hi Lost4words,
I would probably hazard a guess that the ‘not high’ partner you know and care for still loves you, but the ‘high’ partner loves someone else. There isnt a lot you can do about it though, and nothing, not even your son, is enough to keep him.
He might wake up one day and realise that he’s lost the best thing thats ever happened to him, but you shouldn’t put your own life on hold waiting for that time to come, if it ever does. Probably while he’s still using it won’t, and at a guess his new woman probably uses too.
Its painful to see, its gut wrenching, I get that. But honestly, keep doing what you are doing, find happiness, let him see his son when he wants to and as long as you know he’s not high when doing so.
It’s not your problem to solve, and you wont solve it, it will tear your heart out over and over again.
Sending love
Assuming he’s with other people when using, he’s probably too busy chatting to be on his phone. My husband used to be the same when he was using. He would be on his phone a lot day to day, but then not when high/out. Its because they have something else to do.
One of the other things I found out, was that he was spending a lot of time messaging the other woman, but wasnt online because he was with her! But thats only my experience, i’m not suggested you’re in the same boat with that one.
Sending love x
B8988 are you alright? Have you heard anything from him. In my experience, much as you want to treat him like he’s treating you, punish him by ignoring him, something inside us just wont allow us to do that, right?
I feel so sad reading your post about the relapse, you were only pre-empting this last week, maybe you have a sixth sense and knew it was coming before he did!
A magic wand would be great!
OMG B8988 I just saw your messages, he’s gone? after 7 months clean. What a blow. Like me we both know it’ll come, just living in hope that one day then they stop it’s for good and not just lip service. I’m so sorry 🙁
Don’t beat yourself up, you are stronger than you think.
Your gf should know better than to allow people in the house who have it/take it, let alone those willing to wave it in front of you. TBH I’d kill anyone who did that in my house in front of my husband who is a recovering addict. I was even mad when one of his mates came over the other day and had been using, although I know he didnt do any while here, as he couldnt wait to leave after a couple of hours!
Keep on the good path! You are better than this.
A good rant helps me too.
Well he’s definitely paranoid. I felt like I was being watched because if I had done something it would make him feel better if I was. Sad state of affairs – pardon the pun!
Sounds like your husband might be borderline personality disorder, believe me I have looked everywhere for answers as to why my husband was so intently confident that I was having an affair, to the point where it didn’t matter what I said, he just knew I was, even though I wasnt. There is such a thing as cocaine induced psychosis, tbh I think thats what my husband had, because no sane person would act like he did.
I hope you have a quiet weekend – I used to dread Fridays and Saturdays, they were the worst, out all night, AWOL, phone off.
Lol’d at your last sentence, bet he’d never leave, mine wouldn’t despite the fact he hated me for ‘trying to control him’, he just wanted to stick around and make my life miserable instead. Meanwhile having his kicks elsewhere. I think thats called having your cake and eating it!! xx
Thank you 😉 you too.
Are you some kind of techy whizz kid…. a secret partition! Now that is madness. What is this secret partition doing exactly? Look at it this way, if he had nothing to hide he wouldn’t be so bothered even if he did think you had miraculously managed to do that!!
I had a feeling I had a tracker on my car, I looked for one, but not very hard. It would have made quite boring watching. Home, school, work, school, home and repeat, oh and a trip to Waitrose every now and then! I think my husband’s paranoia stemmed from my finding out about his cheating. If he was following me, it was only to make sure I didnt get anywhere near where he was, if you know what I mean.
Its crazy, that I can talk about it like its a bloody soap opera, so matter of fact, its like its normality and I actually don’t think anything could phase me anymore!
Stay safe, keep loved ones close, dont be alone and don’t let anyone dull your sparkle.
Sending love x
Danman is right, you can’t drink at all. It makes you weak, when at other times you can feel strong, it lowers your guard. So whilst you might not have a drink problem, the two things go hand in hand.
Russell Brand is a good listen I agree, I listened to him and tried to get my husband to listen to him, but he thinks he’s a bit loopy. He also thinks that heroin is worse, so its not the same…. physically maybe, but mentally coke is just as bad. People underestimate its power, its a sly drug that pulls you in and turns you into a different person.
You need some support, do you have siblings, or mates that don’t use?
He knows you won’t do anything if he tells you he’s done lines. It’s like, I’m being honest with you, that’s good isn’t it…. well kind of, but no??
It’s a warped way of thinking and you’ll become wrapped up in it so tight you can’t breathe
I just read the reply from Bluebell. She’s bang on. I could have written her reply, I was accused of an affair with my boss, I now believe my husband was too having a psychotic episode as it was just crazy.
You sound like all the other partners on here, but your journey isn’t too far in to get out.
I think I speak for all the partners who are broken and years into living this awful life. We all should have left a long time ago and been happier.
You can’t help him. You need to look after you. Xx
Hi Egg04,
It seems like all the wives on this forum with husbands on cocaine could write the same story, only alternating sightly.
Sorry you are going through all this, its so draining and so unfair. It seems to me like you do love him, and you also feel like you have to stick around because you dont want to be the reason he spirals, or tries to kill himself… right? But what about you, what about what you want.
Cocaine makes users selfish beyond comprehension, and they don’t give a darn about anything apart from what they want to do.
I don’t have a magic wand, if I did, I would string up all dealers, burn all the plantations of cocaine, and get all these poor addicts back on track. It really is about how much you can take, how strong you are and if you believe he wants to get help. It sounds like you have been through an awful time. You cannot live your life like this, you are still young. His problem is not your problem. Don’t get to my age (45 with a child together) broken.
Its not for anyone to tell you what to do, but what would you tell a friend going through what you are, to do? I think then you have your answer.
You said, dinner parties, holidays, you appreciate thats not all there is to life…. but wouldnt it be nice if you had a glimpse of that. No its not all there is to life, but nor is what you’re having to go through day after day.
Sending love x